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Original poster

Husband keeps erotic photos of ex in his bedside drawer

122 replies

Disappointedpumpkin · 19/06/2021 21:05

I recently discovered that my husband of 17 years has been keeping a dozen or so photos of his ex girlfriend posing nude in his bedside drawer for obvious purposes. He did this before we were married and when I found out I was so upset and he promised to get rid of them. Now I feel he has disrespected me beyond repair not to mention the poor girl in the photos. I was heartbroken at first but now I'm wanting to leave him as the relationship has other faults that he has refused to work on. Am I overreacting?

OP posts:
IAmAWomanNotACis · 20/06/2021 18:06

@TheMotherlode

Do not destroy these photos, however much you feel like it. It's time for a cool head. Take. them, put them somewhere safe and send yourself copies

You may need them in future as leverage in a divorce. Time to protect yourself. 💐💐💐

Just no, I get why you’re saying that, but this is a real person in those photos. Someone who has likely moved on with her life and has no idea he’s kept hold of them. How awful for that poor woman, this is her image and shouldn’t be used in that way. I’m also pretty sure that no divorce lawyer or judge is going to be interested in seeing someone’s nudes as a way of determining a divorce outcome.

THIS.

The only person who should have those photos is the poor woman in them. If they can't be returned to her, they need to be destroyed.

IAmAWomanNotACis · 20/06/2021 18:08

@berrylands

You have no right to shred the pictures. They do not belong to you. I would be raging if a partner would destroy the pictures of my previous boyfriends. Having said that, he's an ass. Pack his bags and remember to put the pictures in.
Erotic pictures of your exes that you keep in your bedside drawer?

This isn't an act of jealousy. It's an act of respect to the poor woman in them who most likely doesn't have a clue he still wanks over her photos from aeons ago.

Newestname001 · 20/06/2021 18:32

@ViewFromTheSteeple

Get prepared, take copies of all the documents you can and go see a solicitor to find out where you stand if you split.

Could you increase your working hours to full time?

OP ensure you have a good knowledge, with evidence, of what your marital assets are. That includes any savings and pension which he has. You will need this information when it comes to negotiating the financial agreement.

Take a look at your own finances - password any personal bank accounts you have to something unique as which he's unlikely to guess. If your wages go into a joint account, change the arrangement to your own account and transfer just enough for bills into the joint account. Also if the joint account currently has your salary paid into it, remove half the money now, into your own separate account. So often on here I've seen the other partner/spouse clear the joint account when they leave and things get nasty. Be prepared. 🌹

Original poster
Disappointedpumpkin · 20/06/2021 18:35

Thank you for all your input, I can't return them as I only know her first name so wouldn't be able to track her down, I will be shredding them when I have confronted him as this to me is the right and proper thing to do. I have advice on divorce already , I guess I am just having trouble ending it and trying to find some reasonable explanation but there isn't one and deep down I know this. The guilt I feel for splitting the family is the hardest but hopefully time will heal that x

OP posts:
optimistic40 · 20/06/2021 18:42

@TheMotherlode

Do not destroy these photos, however much you feel like it. It's time for a cool head. Take. them, put them somewhere safe and send yourself copies

You may need them in future as leverage in a divorce. Time to protect yourself. 💐💐💐

Just no, I get why you’re saying that, but this is a real person in those photos. Someone who has likely moved on with her life and has no idea he’s kept hold of them. How awful for that poor woman, this is her image and shouldn’t be used in that way. I’m also pretty sure that no divorce lawyer or judge is going to be interested in seeing someone’s nudes as a way of determining a divorce outcome.

I agree. Def don't make copies. That woman's nude pictures should be destroyed. I would be mortified to think of one of my exes' wives finding old nudes of me, let alone copying them and keeping them somewhere safe!
Peach01 · 20/06/2021 18:44

I would sharpie some clothes on her. Fold the pics loads.

Seriously though. You do not need to ask if you're being unreasonable. There are many layers as to why this is wrong.
She would be creeped out if she knew he kept pictures like that and was doing that while married. There are no words for this.

IdblowJonSnow · 20/06/2021 18:48

Yanbu. Get rid. Of him and the pics.
What a grim twat. It's all on him, not you OP! Don't feel guilty.

cheeseislife8 · 20/06/2021 18:54

You have nothing to feel guilty for OP, you aren't splitting up your family. His creepy, disrespectful and disgusting actions have done that!

cushioncovers · 20/06/2021 18:56

Op it's normal to feel guilty about splitting the family up I felt it for the longest time after I left my exh but I also tried to remind myself of why I left in the first place.

RandomMess · 20/06/2021 19:00
Thanks
MadeForThis · 20/06/2021 19:04

I would burn them. The poor girl deserves that much.

I'm so glad you're leaving the little pervert.

me4real · 20/06/2021 22:44

You have no right to shred the pictures. They do not belong to you. I would be raging if a partner would destroy the pictures of my previous boyfriends.

@berrylands They're naked photos of an ex he's using to wank and he already claimed he would destroy them nearly 2 decades ago, but lied.

I might have a photo of me in a camping barn with an ex for nostalgia value (he's bug ugly anyway lol but I was 19 and completely 'in love' with the creepy guy at the time.) But we both have all our clothes on and I'm not keeping it for wank fodder, far from it. Nor have I lied to a partner about it.

@Disappointedpumpkin A PP made a good point. As they weren't well hidden or anything, do you think he wanted you to find them?

Sandra15 · 20/06/2021 22:51

@berrylands

You have no right to shred the pictures. They do not belong to you. I would be raging if a partner would destroy the pictures of my previous boyfriends. Having said that, he's an ass. Pack his bags and remember to put the pictures in.
My ex found one of my photograph albums from university and scratched out the face of my university boyfriend. I was absolutely fuming. I didn't even know my ex then, so it's not as if I was cheating on him or anything and he had no reason to feel jealous.

Having said that it was no erotic photo, it was a birthday night out and lots of others were on the picture. I wasn't even standing next to the uni boyfriend.

I was livid.

RickiTarr · 20/06/2021 22:53

No, that’s good enough reason for divorce, and as you say, downright caddish towards his ex. What a bastard.

Life is too short to be unhappy and sometimes upheaval is what you need.

Pinchoftums · 20/06/2021 22:54

@berrylands who gives a fuck what he wants. If his ex is happy with him wanking over pictures of her he can crack on and ask her for some duplicates. Far dos don't destroy normal pics but erotic ones are just weird to keep.

berrylands · 20/06/2021 22:59

@me4real

You have no right to shred the pictures. They do not belong to you. I would be raging if a partner would destroy the pictures of my previous boyfriends.

@berrylands They're naked photos of an ex he's using to wank and he already claimed he would destroy them nearly 2 decades ago, but lied.

I might have a photo of me in a camping barn with an ex for nostalgia value (he's bug ugly anyway lol but I was 19 and completely 'in love' with the creepy guy at the time.) But we both have all our clothes on and I'm not keeping it for wank fodder, far from it. Nor have I lied to a partner about it.

@Disappointedpumpkin A PP made a good point. As they weren't well hidden or anything, do you think he wanted you to find them?

I get your point, but the ex gave her permission (I assume) to have those pics. That's between them. It's not up to the OP to make the final decision over them.
RickiTarr · 20/06/2021 23:02

If destroying the photos isn’t an act of sisterhood, I don’t know what is.

Does anyone really think the ex would be happy to know he still has them (and so on) 20+ years later?

IAmAWomanNotACis · 20/06/2021 23:16

@Berrylands do you really honestly think the ex would be happy that he still has them and is still wanking over them?!

A photo of a fully clothed ex is a totally different thing and yes I'd be really pissed off if anybody destroyed one of mine. But when they're naked or suggestive, common sense says the same rules do not apply.

Iusedtolustafterarmiehammer · 20/06/2021 23:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RosieLeaLovesTea · 20/06/2021 23:21

You really are not being unreasonable. It is disrespectful to you.

Good luck

RickiTarr · 20/06/2021 23:27

@Iusedtolustafterarmiehammer

My now dh had some of an ex in a briefcase which I found snooping about. He had gone skiing with family and I didn’t go as we had a 3 month old dd.

I put them in the dustbin. Also while he was away she emailed a pic and said what she would like to do to him. So I printed it off, photocopied the pic and put it on lots of telegraph poles in her village saying “if you want a good time ring this (her) number.

Nothing has ever been said and our dd is 22 this year.

So just bin the photo’s, he can’t say anything to you asking where they are.

Were you arrested?
notacooldad · 20/06/2021 23:27

Why didn’t you watch him get rid of them before or do it yourself?
WTF?
Nice bit of blaming there!
How do you know he wouldn't have kept some back in secret.
Shocking response to someone that is hugely upset!

touma · 20/06/2021 23:28

@Iusedtolustafterarmiehammer

My now dh had some of an ex in a briefcase which I found snooping about. He had gone skiing with family and I didn’t go as we had a 3 month old dd.

I put them in the dustbin. Also while he was away she emailed a pic and said what she would like to do to him. So I printed it off, photocopied the pic and put it on lots of telegraph poles in her village saying “if you want a good time ring this (her) number.

Nothing has ever been said and our dd is 22 this year.

So just bin the photo’s, he can’t say anything to you asking where they are.

Horrible that you shared these images with the public, if you actually did. Although it sounds like it's not true.
But hey, the woman got humiliated, and your husband got away with it. So much for sisterhood.

berrylands · 20/06/2021 23:29

@Iusedtolustafterarmiehammer

My now dh had some of an ex in a briefcase which I found snooping about. He had gone skiing with family and I didn’t go as we had a 3 month old dd.

I put them in the dustbin. Also while he was away she emailed a pic and said what she would like to do to him. So I printed it off, photocopied the pic and put it on lots of telegraph poles in her village saying “if you want a good time ring this (her) number.

Nothing has ever been said and our dd is 22 this year.

So just bin the photo’s, he can’t say anything to you asking where they are.

Sorry, but this is vile.
QueenBee52 · 20/06/2021 23:36

@Iusedtolustafterarmiehammer

My now dh had some of an ex in a briefcase which I found snooping about. He had gone skiing with family and I didn’t go as we had a 3 month old dd.

I put them in the dustbin. Also while he was away she emailed a pic and said what she would like to do to him. So I printed it off, photocopied the pic and put it on lots of telegraph poles in her village saying “if you want a good time ring this (her) number.

Nothing has ever been said and our dd is 22 this year.

So just bin the photo’s, he can’t say anything to you asking where they are.

Sooooo many questions 🥴