Longstanding member, NC for this thread.
Apologies this may be long.
We met online 7 months ago. We clicked from the start and were constantly in contact a few times each day. And after a month of texts, calls and video calls we met up face to face.
I am 44 and he is 50. We both have DC. We both have very good jobs. We live 1 hour 15mins apart. I have been separated 2 years & 8 months. He has been separated 14 months.
After a few weeks, we got intimate. He has ED but we still have a very fulfilling time. He is an excellent and generous lover.
We used to talk alot, laugh a lot and chat about various things. Over time, as we were now intimate, the less we chatted about other stuff and the more time we spent being intimate. I would try to get us doing other stuff and he also said he wanted us to do other things together - watch movies, cook, go to the park, dine out but he always said we have so little time to spend together that he didn't want to waste it on mundane things and we would end up being intimate. He was always affectionate. He has been saying he loves me.
Then a lady he met online and wanted to date but she decided to go with another guy after they had met face to face, got back in touch because she and her guy had broken up.
He said he wanted to be friends with her. He invited her to his home in the evening, they had coffee together then went on a long walk (2.5hours) together, got back went and bought fish and chips, brought it back to his around 9:00pm had dinner and she left his around 11pm. I didn't hear from him that day.
He would not go for walks with me because he felt uncomfortable to be seen in his town with another woman. The day before he went on that long walk, he was feeling upset with his ex and I was meant to come and stay over to be with him. He cancelled saying that my being there would not make him happy.
I told him I was not comfortable with this friendship but he insisted and said he needed to build a support network. His marriage had been very controlling, it made him very ill physically.
He met up with this lady friend of his again another day. I didn't hear from him that day. I messaged him later that night to find out how he was and how their meeting up went.
He responded by saying he felt controlled by me, he felt he had to explain himself and his friendships to me, he couldn't continue to walk on eggshells around me, he said all I wanted was sex (we weren't really doing PIV, he has ED), that he wanted a proper relationship and that his instincts are telling him we aren't right for each other.
I was taken aback and really upset. It was such a 180° from the conversations we were having the day before where he said he wanted to be my rock, to be the person I turn to for support and advice.
My understanding from that message was that he was ending things. I called him to chat and understand what has gone on. We talked for a bit and I called him out on the false things he had said. He said he needed a few days to think. I didn't hear back from him for 3 days, by then though I was really upset, I had made my peace with it and messaged him to ask for my stuff that was at his place and wish him all the best. He replied that he would bring them to me and would like to chat.
We met up, he apologised for how unfair he had been to me, how poorly he had handled things and explained that his instincts are messed up, his history has got him being suspicious of everyone but he knew that it was not easy to meet someone you have a strong connection with and get on with so well. Long story short, I collected my stuff from him but I decided to give it another go.
Since then as much as I have tried to get us do non-sexual activities, he will be eager to do the activities but he still tries to steer things to intimacy. He is less affectionate, he doesn't get in touch like previously but he will message a good morning and a good night, he doesn't make a lot of effort to make arrangements to meet up and he has stopped saying 'I love you'. But when we do get to speak on calls, he will chat away as he has always done and is forthcoming with what he has been upto, he will tell me I look nice etc. He will still try to turn the chat sexual. I don't follow him when he does that. We met up recently for after work drinks and dinner after not seeing each other for over a week and I told him I was so looking forward to seeing him. I asked how much he was looking forward to seeing me and he said 7/10. I felt that was a low score.
I was never much of a dater before I married and I married the 3rd person I ever dated. And that was a long time ago. I feel poorly equipped to understand what is going on here.
I feel like the relationship is regressing..i miss how we used to be... I feel like something is off.
Or is this the normal course of relationships? Is he leading me on? Are we just sex buddies? Or am I expecting too much from a relationship?
Please, give me your thoughts.
Thank you if you managed to get to the end.