Husband has been cheating with work colleague

[Gunsnrosesx]

Just found out tonight and I can’t even get my words out properly. We’ve been together for 10 years, married 3 with DS 8. I’m still in shock. I never in a million years thought he was the type of man who could do something like this

I’ve had my suspicions for a while. Over the last few months he’s been spending more and more time away with “work”. which didn’t sit right. His job has never involved working away but he used the excuse that it was an important project that they were working on.
I found messages on his phone between the two of them going back well over a year now. He only started the job around 15 months ago so this must have started straight after he took the job. At first it was just flirty chats, talking about work and how they met. As time goes on the conversations became sexual, sending pics. Now they just talk about general stuff and dates of when they will meet up next.

After I confronted him he went very quiet, wouldn’t talk to me. Just kept on saying it was a mistake, it meant nothing and that he loves me. We didn’t argue. DS was upstairs in his bedroom. It was so so hard not to scream and shout but I don’t want DS to know what’s going on. I’ve asked him to leave. No idea where he’s gone, at this moment in time I really don’t give a shit where he is. I couldn’t help but but look at her Facebook and she’s so young. Pretty, slim, fucking everything! It’s such a cliche. He’s 38 and she looks early 20’s. What the hell would a 20 year old woman want with a married man who’s nearly 40???

I I thought he loved me. He seemed happy, I honestly don’t know what’s changed. We hardly ever argue and we spend more than enough time together. Sex life has always been good, so why?? Just why. Please tell me it’s gets better

I'm so sorry, op. What an absolute shit he is. It will take time, but you will be ok. If I were you, he would not be coming back.

Grass is greener. That's why.

Know that it isn't about you or some failing in your marriage. It's about his failure to be committed in his relationship

You will survive and move on but it will take some time to get there. Focus on you and your son. Get shot of him ASAP. Personally I'd start divorce proceedings immediately and look at making a new life for myself. However you have to adjust to the shock and navigate the financial issues. So give yourself time but look forward and not back. The relationship is over and he will never have your trust again. Without trust a relationship is pointless

So sorry you are having to deal with this. The cynical me says he'll be contemplating 'the script' and having had time to think about it, will come back with, it meant nothing, I love you, don't throw us away, etc. Well, the truth is, he thought he could have his cake and eat it too. It's up to you to decide if you can ever trust him again. Very best of luck whatever you decide

I'm so sorry too. It's a horrible thing to find out when you love and trust someone and they let you down like this.
I hope you are OK and try to stay strong.

Ouch, just shows length of time in a relationship is no guarantee, of faithfulness

Thank you for your kind messages. I keep going over and over the messages in my head. I can't help it. The questions he asked her have made me feel physically sick, one of them being "do you enjoy being fucked by an older man". The fact a young, pretty girl took interest in him has clearly given him a huge ego boost. I don't believe he loves her or even has any feelings towards her. It was clearly always just about sex for him. I keep asking myself was it worth it?? I will never be able to trust him again

I so badly need to sleep, DS is up early in the morning for a football match but I just can't switch off

The awful thing here is - for him it will be an ego boost knowing a younger woman finds him attractive and it will only be about the sex -but he has crossed a line and done an unacceptable thing which can't be undone.
He does not deserve to be forgiven and even if you did you will never be able to forget. He has let you down badly I feel for you

OP, it sounds a bit like you're starting to make excuses so you don't need to go through the break up. He doesnt love her or have feelings for her etc. He betrayed you - it's that simple. He clearly has abhorrent views as well & keen to act out the age old sexist script in real life. He has thrown his family life away without a second thought.

I hope you the strength to send him packing. I've been cheated on by an ex partner and I didn't leave the first time, it took me the second time around. I regret that bitterly and wish I had been stronger.

Before you do anything, check out what Chumplady has to say about infidelity:

www.chumplady.com/about-chump-lady/

Some people get past this, others tell themselves that they can get past it......... but most don't.

..........

You've done the right thing.

She probably took interest because she has issues and he gave her too much time. He's in the wrong. Leave him.

On another thread on here the wives who have been cheated on keep repeating "the men always 'affair down'" obvs the lady in question here is gorgeous, but maybe that narrative will help ease the pain? Sorry no advice as I genuinely believe cheaters dont stop, they just get more careful and if its happened now and you didnt lay the groundwork for those seeds to grow (emotional distancing, considerable physical changes etc) then the reasons are his character and that will never change

How horrific, OP.

A “mistake”? Hardly. Your lying, cheating H has chosen to lead a double life for a year+, making a mockery of you and DS. This is strictly down to his sense of entitlement to pursue illicit sex/ego boosts. His question to her about being with an older man was massively pathetic.

Kudos for sending him away. He is uninvested, untrustworthy and unreliable, and is very poor role model for DS. Since he has been out there acting like a single man, I would officially make him one.

Stay strong and don’t fall for any manipulations, such as minimizing or blame-shifting.

I'm so so sorry...

You deserve so much better than his 'sorry he's been caught bullshit excuses...

Do not undervalue yourself OP, by allowing this scum bag to gaslight you into believing this woman meant nothing... remind yourself how long he's been, in his words, fucking her.. He has abandoned your life together..

Kick him out 🌸

OP, I agree with QueenBee. You would be unwise to buy into his “It meant nothing” BS. He has been investing in this relationship for at least a year, indicating that he valued OW both sexually and emotionally...and was willing to risk the loss of his family.

Prepare yourself because he is going to realise at some point just what he has done and he will be in shock and do anything to beg and feel sorry for himself to want his old life back
Be strong, he gave in to temptation for his ego and exciting sex and that was worth more than his family, he is not worthy of you.

He made a mistake: getting caught

💐

Because he can.

Sweetheart. I’m so sorry this is happening to you. You’re being so strong so far and you will get through this.

Do you have any support IRL?

I discovered my Ex DH had an affair. You will go through all the emotions and it's much like grief. Shock is the first emotion. He was very manipulative and blamed me as others have said. And the gaslighting....I even gave him another chance but the affair continued. It will not be an easy road for you. Even now, ten years on for me, I am angry and upset about what he did. I've moved on and have a new partner and you will too. Sort out your finances, take legal advice and don't let him bully you. There are lots of people on here who have lived through this and it's where I turned to when it happened to me as my friend IRL could not relate.

One day at a time OP.

I hope you managed to get some sleep. Do you have anyone you can call in real life for support? Don’t hide his secret for him, you need people around you. Try and eat a bit of something, or shakes if you can’t stomach food.

This is a massive betrayal, and if you hadn’t found out it would have carried on. You don’t need to decide anything right now, but you will either spend years trying to rebuild a relationship with someone who has destroyed your trust, or you can spend the time moving on and finding someone who deserves you.

I wish you the best x

I'm so sorry lovely. To me a 'mistake' would be doing it once. Not continuously over a year. Him having an affair is nothing to do with your relationship or sex life. It's about him being an asshole. Cheaters don't change from my experience. I know it's not what you want to hear, but if you forgive him this time he is very likely to do it again.

Please don't fall into the trap of thinking that she meant nothing to him: if you decide to make a go of things, it must be against a backdrop of acknowledging that he may well have strong feelings for her. When I discovered my boyfriend's affair (which was nowhere near the twelve months your husband's has been) it was abundantly clear he had (and has) very real feelings for her - either in love or certainly heading that way. The one thing I didn't do was attempt to minimize those, even when he did. It does no good, long-term.

He did it because he can.

He doesn't respect you or your son.