Husband has been cheating with work colleague

[Gunsnrosesx]

Just found out tonight and I can’t even get my words out properly. We’ve been together for 10 years, married 3 with DS 8. I’m still in shock. I never in a million years thought he was the type of man who could do something like this

I’ve had my suspicions for a while. Over the last few months he’s been spending more and more time away with “work”. which didn’t sit right. His job has never involved working away but he used the excuse that it was an important project that they were working on.
I found messages on his phone between the two of them going back well over a year now. He only started the job around 15 months ago so this must have started straight after he took the job. At first it was just flirty chats, talking about work and how they met. As time goes on the conversations became sexual, sending pics. Now they just talk about general stuff and dates of when they will meet up next.

After I confronted him he went very quiet, wouldn’t talk to me. Just kept on saying it was a mistake, it meant nothing and that he loves me. We didn’t argue. DS was upstairs in his bedroom. It was so so hard not to scream and shout but I don’t want DS to know what’s going on. I’ve asked him to leave. No idea where he’s gone, at this moment in time I really don’t give a shit where he is. I couldn’t help but but look at her Facebook and she’s so young. Pretty, slim, fucking everything! It’s such a cliche. He’s 38 and she looks early 20’s. What the hell would a 20 year old woman want with a married man who’s nearly 40???

I I thought he loved me. He seemed happy, I honestly don’t know what’s changed. We hardly ever argue and we spend more than enough time together. Sex life has always been good, so why?? Just why. Please tell me it’s gets better

I am so sorry that you are experiencing this now. I have just got rid of my cheating husband at great detriment to my position , financially and responsibility wise.
But looking at him day after day , knowing he had lied and lied also for a least a year , betrayed my trust, mocked our marriage vows and disrespected our kids and family unit was far far worse than the shock and trauma you are experiencing now.
It is not easy and I never want to feel like you do now ever again. Please reach out for RL support . You need it so much now. And here , I found great help from other women who understand what you are going through and are able to offer advice and good vibes.

They do it because they can , get an opportunity and think they won't get caught .
Some father on Fathers Day for your son. Utter selfish bastard.

Look after yourself OP. Is there anyone you trust to confide in?

@HotWeather I have my sister but she lives just over 2 hours away so I wouldn't expect her to come all the way over, although I'm sure she would. I don't speak with my dad and my mum passed away 6 years ago. Unfortunately all my friends are also friends with my husband so it's difficult I'm not sure If I want people to know yet, I feel quite embarrassed really. Not sure why

I can understand why you feel embarrassed OP but this is his shame, not yours My husband and I have lots of "joint" friends but if one of the women rang me and said she'd just found out her husband was cheating on her I'd be round there like a shot to help in any way I could and wouldn't give him a second thought. Similarly I'm sure your sister would come if you spoke to her, would it maybe be easier to let her know today because it's the weekend? And she's perhaps a bit more removed from all of your other friends if you're not ready for this to come out yet. But I do think real life support is invaluable in this sort of situation.

If I was your sister I'd be gutted if you didn't tell me because you didn't want to put me out. I'd encourage you to call her. You need a "real life" person who loves you to support you. I'm so sorry this is happening to you.

I’m so so sorry you’re going through this. My dh did very similar (he was 37 she was 23, work colleague, 4-5 month sex thing) when we had our youngest.

Everyone will tell you to leave and that might be the right path for you but my best advice would be to take your time to decide.

I’ve chosen to stay and it’s been 2 years since the day I found out and I’d say we’re nearly “over it”. It’s been hell, especially the first year, but I think if he shows incredible remorse, does counselling alone and together, moves job etc it’s possible if you decide the relationship overall is worth the work.

Unfortunately I think men this age, well weak ones anyway, sometimes do just get off on the ego boost and thrill whilst telling themselves it won’t hurt you as you’ll never find out / that it doesn’t count as it’s not “feelings”. It’s shit and you deserve to be treated better.

I hope you get lots of support in real life whilst deciding if that’s by him or elsewhere. Don’t ever be embarrassed - it’s not your fault - it’s his issues that have caused this (even if it wasn’t a perfect relationship nothing will have forced him to cheat)

You really need some support right now and although I know exactly how embarrassing it is to have people know what he's done as a PP said it's his shame not yours.
You sound like a wonderful mother.
I think that you should ditch this incredibly selfish man and move on with your life as a year is a long time for him to have been betraying you like this he's had plenty of time to stop but he's chosen not to and you deserve better than this.
You will survive even if you think you can't and you'll be so much better off without him honestly.

@Gunsnrosesx I like your username! Please don't feel embarrassed, although I understand you are. You have done nothing to be ashamed of, your husband on the other hand.

Have you spoken to your sister? It might be good to tell someone IRL. You have had a massive shock so please look after yourself, try to eat or have sweet tea if you can't. Regarding DH the ball is in your court. Don't feel rushed into making any decisions. You are stronger than you know.

Another vote for calling your sister. What an idiot your DH is.

You need real life support. Phone your sister.

I am so sorry that you are in this position. 0lease do call your sister. I would be gutted of my wee sister didn't call me under those circumstances (she did and I called her and our brother called both of us in similar circumstances).

If not of. I hate my phone.

Just a word of caution, you are assuming she knows he is married etc. He has likely spun her a complete lie about his life. This will be hard and he will likely continue to lie to you to make to seem either your fault or hers as he will try to play the victim somehow. Or disclose minimal information to make it look better on him. Take everything he says with a pinch of salt. Is he panicking as he is her boss or something and could be in trouble at work if they find out?

Please call your sister x

I agree with a previous poster that you should call your sister. You need someone to talk to in real life.

Don't let him worm his way back in. Stay strong.

Worried you’re already making his excuses for him
It’s not love it’s just sex.

He’s probably just bored, feels undesired. Wants a woman to make him feel horny etc

But don’t let him say it’s just sex

I'm so sorry OP this is awful, he is a utter fucking bastard. Stay strong for you and your DS. Agree with PP, please contact your sister - you need real life support.

I am so sorry, this must be horrible for you.
The young woman has obviously flattered your husband's ego but he needs to grow up a bit more. What he has had at home is better than an affair with a young girl who will no doubt move on to someone more suitable.

Stupid, stupid man and a young woman who should know better. One day she will.

I don't know what you can do, only you can make your mind up about that but don't let him (or her) get away with it.

Good luck.

OP said shes feeling ashamed and we need to empathize with that. So many women feel the pressure to maintain the veneer of a happy marriage so she might not want people ", in her business" if in the longterm she decides to stay with her husband, she wouldnt want them looking at her with pity as in they know what a sham it is and wondering why shes still in the marriage

I saw something online the other day from a man in his 40s/50s who said that some men of his age like much younger woman, not so much because of sex or their looks, but because they were far easier to impress due to their lack of life experience and I think that has a lot of truth in it.

It seems to be very much about having the ego boosted. I am so sorry op. You deserve better than this.

I rang my sister and she is coming over tonight to stay with my nephew. DS still doesn't know anything about what's going on. We're going to have a movie night with the kids. I'm hoping it might take my mind off this shit show for a while

@PurpleMustang from the messages that I've seen, it does seem that she knew he was married as she would ask him what excuse he was going to give me to be able to get away. They talked about me very briefly a couple of times. There was one message where she asked him if he felt guilty for what he was doing and his response was "a bit". The rest of it was just sexual, general chat

Aw op how awful for you.I also agree speak to your dsis my ex did the same and went through the motions but I came out through the other side.

Oh op that's so cruel! So sorry you're going through this, what a pair of ss!

he doesnt deaerve you OP what an utter asshole thank goodness you found out I hope you find happiness you deserve one day x