Husband has been cheating with work colleague

[Gunsnrosesx]

Just found out tonight and I can’t even get my words out properly. We’ve been together for 10 years, married 3 with DS 8. I’m still in shock. I never in a million years thought he was the type of man who could do something like this

I’ve had my suspicions for a while. Over the last few months he’s been spending more and more time away with “work”. which didn’t sit right. His job has never involved working away but he used the excuse that it was an important project that they were working on.
I found messages on his phone between the two of them going back well over a year now. He only started the job around 15 months ago so this must have started straight after he took the job. At first it was just flirty chats, talking about work and how they met. As time goes on the conversations became sexual, sending pics. Now they just talk about general stuff and dates of when they will meet up next.

After I confronted him he went very quiet, wouldn’t talk to me. Just kept on saying it was a mistake, it meant nothing and that he loves me. We didn’t argue. DS was upstairs in his bedroom. It was so so hard not to scream and shout but I don’t want DS to know what’s going on. I’ve asked him to leave. No idea where he’s gone, at this moment in time I really don’t give a shit where he is. I couldn’t help but but look at her Facebook and she’s so young. Pretty, slim, fucking everything! It’s such a cliche. He’s 38 and she looks early 20’s. What the hell would a 20 year old woman want with a married man who’s nearly 40???

I I thought he loved me. He seemed happy, I honestly don’t know what’s changed. We hardly ever argue and we spend more than enough time together. Sex life has always been good, so why?? Just why. Please tell me it’s gets better

Oh gosh, I’m so sorry. What a stupid bastard he is.
He will be well aware he’s made a mistake, but that mistake was being caught. Him sleeping with someone else for a year plus isn’t a mistake, it was a conscious choice made by him, one where he valued the sex with her over you, your relationship and your home life with your son. Sorry to be harsh but he knew the risks, and he thought it was worth it anyway.
You’d be making your own mistake if you chose to take him back. He sounds vile.

You’ll need to go for an STI check.

What an absolute cliche your DH is.Middle aged bloke having a mid life crisis and having an affair with a younger woman.

Also it nearly always seen to a work colleague men have affairs with from all the numerous cheating posts here on this site.

Honestly it's definitely him and not you.He did this to boost his own pathetic fragile male ego.

The only mistake he's sorry for is getting caught out.

Having a year-long affair is not a mistake, but deliberate. If it were a mistake, he would have ended it at the beginning.

He probably does love you, but he also loves her, or the thrill of the chase. Some men are able to separate their lives into separate boxes. However, for me the trust would have gone.

Remember, he’s the one has done this, not you.

Surely it's even worse if he doesn't love her because he's ruined your marriage just for a shag. Don't consider having him back OP, this wasn't a one off mistake it was a full on relationship.

I’m so sorry what a shock. My exh had an affair and ended our marriage to be with her so I know how awful it is.

It is a kind of grief, shock, anger, sadness and further down line acceptance you will go through.

A mistake is not something you do for a year… if you take him back he will do it again and make you more miserable. Cut your losses. Dont have him back.

Can your son go somewhere to grandparents so you can have a bit of space?

Op I am sorry you’re going through this. In reality it’s best to accept it fully and not minimise it, after a year long relationship yes he will have feelings, they won’t just shag and go, they will spend intimate time together.

You need to make some decisions, not right away, keep him gone, and you both need to decide if the marriage is worth saving and if you can accept this.

I’m so sorry op

This is not about you. Its about him and his sad ego and even sadder penis. You will get through this and you will come out stronger and happier. Without him, as he has now shown himself to be, you will have a better life. Promise.

I’m so sorry, what a huge betrayal.

Get yourself out to football with your son this morning. Try and avoid the self pity you probably have coming from him (it’s that or defensive anger, which is as bad if not worse) and don’t engage in conversation. Definitely don’t beg for explanation.

Have you a trusted friend / relative you can talk to?
It’ll help today.

What a complete arsehole. Stay strong OP and always remember when it gets hard that he chose to have sex with her instead of being home with his family. Don't listen to his excuses and remember if you let him gay away with it once he will definitely do it again. I wish you all the best

Get* away with it

OP, this isn't about you. There is nothing you should have / could have done. It's him, it's all him. He is a sleaze bag, a cheating lying arsehole.

Over the coming weeks he will go from mice to nasty in a blink of an eye. He will minimise and blame you.

A fucking year ! I'm so angry on your behalf.

You will move on from this. So many of us here have moved on from this and are happier now.

Massive hugs for you. Take one day at a time. Sort legal advice. Be kind to yourself.

@Gunsnrosesx

Thank you for your kind messages. I keep going over and over the messages in my head. I can't help it. The questions he asked her have made me feel physically sick, one of them being "do you enjoy being fucked by an older man". The fact a young, pretty girl took interest in him has clearly given him a huge ego boost. I don't believe he loves her or even has any feelings towards her. It was clearly always just about sex for him. I keep asking myself was it worth it?? I will never be able to trust him again

Nope. Couldn't get past this I'm afraid. What a cunt

A 12 month 'oopsie daisy' mistake? No. There's no such animal, OP.
It's not THAT decent, I know, but at least- painful as it is- it would have been more decent and honest had he just come clean early on in the affair and said, "I've met someone and I'm moving out". That would have been the right thing to do instead of deluding you into thinking you had a stable marriage.

Don't think for a moment that just because he didn't leave you for her and wholly commit to her instead that you still have a chance- that he thinks 'less' of her and 'more' of your marriage because he's still living at home with his wife and child. No. Your husband only cares about himself. He runs with the hare and hunts with the hounds. He's got comfort, wholesome marital stuff with you and the 'fun' stuff with her. What a dick. She can have him! She can have him AND play unwilling stepmum AND cry in her beer when he can't take her to the moon because his divorce cost him. Believe me, she hasn't taken this into account. Or maybe she has, which is why being his bit on the side has been working for her. She gets all the benefits of being with him without the responsibility that will inevitably come with his baggage.
Fuck 'em both if they can't take a joke, OP. To be honest, your marriage was over a year ago. You just didn't know. Now you do. I am terribly sorry for you. It's an awful place to find yourself in. I was there myself, many moons ago. My life was a grind for a while, as I healed and learned that even a weed popping through the cracks in the pavement is still healthy growth! You will flourish again, but in the meantime, you just have to live through this pain and trust that strength will find you again.

Take care of yourself. Reading the messages on his phone gives you info but will also hurt so much

Some men want to have it all. It’s deeply selfish.

Take him to the cleaners .

Taking the actual affair away, the systematic lies he's told you over the last 12 months would have done it for me. He's lied each time he's stopped out overnight, he's betrayed your trust again and again. A mistake is a ONS not overnight planned meetings.

really hope that you managed to get some sleep. Take things a day at a time, and don't fall for his BS. Look after yourself...and try and get screenshots of those texts, get paperwork in order etc.

Thank you for your messages, it really does mean a lot. I still feel numb to be honest, it hasn't quite sunk it yet. I managed to get a few hours sleep last night but I'm absolutely shattered today, could probably sleep for the rest of the day in all honestly. I took DS to his match this morning but waited in the car. Husband messaged earlier to ask if I wanted him to take DS out for a few hours to give me a break. I said no. Having DS here is keeping me sane, keeping me busy at least. We haven't spoken other than that. I don't think he knows what to say, not that theres anything he could say to make things right

You're functioning.. this is good.., give yourself as long as you need to decide what YOU want to do, without influence or manipulation.

Take as much time as you need OP. 🌸

Sending you a hug 🤗
Look after you 💐

That one message alone made me shudder: "being fucked by an older man" is an indication of his dominant sexual power over the younger female. Absolute twat of a man. Utter sleazebag.

Do you have any support in real life?

You may feel like you can't tell anyone but honestly I've found going scorched earth in this situation, certainly makes the cheating bastard wake up to what life is going to be like going forward.

I told his father, my parents, our friends right from day 1. I think he thought I'd keep his indiscretion quiet Big fucking mistake!!

They do affair down, doesn't always have to be looks, personality, integrity and intelligence are a big part. Put it this way, would you be satisfied being a married man's bit of strange? If the answer is no, then you are worth 100 of her.

His affair isn't about you, it's about your husband being a selfish, entitled cake eating bastard and may his next shite be a hedgehog.

Try and keep yourself hydrated. It'll be tough to eat, but even soups or small snacks will keep you going. Take care.