Those in a sexless relationship due to partners health condition

[Dogsandbiscuits]

I have read a lot of posts on here about sexless relationships due to other reasons but none about my situation.

I am in a sexless relationship due to my DHs health conditions and am looking for advice from others in a similar situation.
He is a wonderful husband in all other ways and we have an affectionate relationship. He would do anything for me and i often wonder if he is over compensating.
He has diabetes which has given him ED. He also takes antidepressants which lowered his libido to begin with.
He has never taken his diabetes seriously. When he first started suffering with ED I begged him to look after himself to try to prevent it getting worse.. He also smokes and drinks and hasn't stopped.
Consequently his ED progressed to complete non function.
Hes been to the doctor a few times, has been prescribed viagra but even this stopped working after a few times.
I just wondered if anyone else is in the same position.

It doesn't seem to bother him. He has said that we are best friends (which we are) but I just cant imagine my life never having sex again! I'm 43, hes slightly older.
I dont want to leave him, it would seem a pretty shallow reason to do so. I also just dont see him in a sexual way anymore and it has affected my self esteem.
I wondered how others have coped with this. I would say I have accepted it about 90% of the time, but at other times it's very frustrating!!

My issue with this is that it's self induced.
My partner has a recurring anal fissure which has required surgery. It makes him feel unable to have sex a lot of the time due to the pain and it bleeds and weeps 🤢.

He's supposed to eat a high fibre diet, containing little to no white bread to loosen his stools to aid healing.

But he lives for white bread.

I have no tolerance for men who won't help themselves; it's pathetic. You are quite within reason to tell him to look after himself better and if he can't seek some help to find out why he can't. I would be considering leaving.

I'm 40, my DP has had chronic pain since we met.
Our sex life has declined over the last six months to the point where we have had sex 5 tikes this year, last time was more than 2 months ago.

I've in recent days discovered that he is taking daily Valium, endone and codeine to manage his pain. This would be fine if he was doing anything to help himself, he is overweight, and does no exercise, doesn't want to pay to see the Chiro anymore.

We also have problems with his ability to communicate.

I'm at a point where I am considering ending the relationship, I would probably feel very differently if he were doing all he could to help himself, and recognised that at 40 and him 45 this isn't normal.

And to echo PP opinions, if he was prepared to try and improve the situation I wouldn't be feeling this way, I love him so much but the lack of care and thought for how I feel or my needs makes me resentful.

I’m the cause of our sexless relationship. I have vaginal atrophy which is something that affects menopausal women. Basically the loss of oestrogen cause the tissues of the vagina to thin and shrink meaning sex is incredibly painful. I’m treating it with topical oestrogen, moisturisers (I’ve more for me vag than I do for my face!) but it could take months to sort and it may never be ok to have sex again because of the pain.

My DH Abd I have talked about it & he’s very clear that he doesn’t want ti have sex if it hurts me. We are intimate in other ways but bottom line is we’ve both decided that everything else we have together outweighs not being able to have sex

I suppose the difference compared with some PP is that I’m trying everything I can do sort it out and we are talking about it. I’m sure if I was doing nothing at all to try and sort it & he didn’t know what was wrong he’d feel differently

Only a few posters have mentioned the fact that this ED is due to lack of care that the OP's husband takes in his own health! He could change the situation!

@Dogsandbiscuits, how much have the two of you talked about this? It sounds like issues have changed over time. Have you kept talking?

I know it seems a shallow reason to split up but it's not shallow when he is being so selfish!

I think a deeper conversation where he has to admit what a selfish sod he is being, is in order! He has unilaterally decided that sex isn't important. To him! But what about you as a couple.

I hope more people come on whose partners have got ED due to not looking after their health, because the ones who can't help it aren't really relevant to your situation are they?

And it's not just the lack of sex is it? It's the resentment building and building ........

@StarlightLady * I think there is too much emphasis on penetration here. All partners have a tongue in their heads and should be able to learn to use it effectively.*

Bravo! So right. My marriage fell apart due to the issue of the absence of sex - me at ‘fault’. Have always thought WTF? If that’s the absolute basis of a marriage how superficial can you get. Have thought there are so many ways of having intimacy with someone.

@Chamomileteaplease - totally agree that the issue here is more to do with the husband’s lack of self care and how that both transfers and impacts on the poster. An intimate relationship is about the sense of one unit and so care of self transfers to care of other. With that sense of care other ways of finding a depth of intimacy naturally occur.

There is more to life than sex and if you really love them it shouldn't matter

What utter tosh. Sure sex isn't important to everyone but it is important to some and they aren't shallow for that

It's like saying theirs more to life than monogamy and if you really love them it shouldn't matter (if they've strayed once or twice). Sure for some people that is fine and they choose to work through infidelity but for other people it's an absolute deal breaker and that's also absolutely fine. Neither type of person is in the wrong or shallow for having non-negotiables in a relationship (whether that be sex, monogamy, children, or any other thing) no matter how much they might 'love' the other person.

I am in the same position OP. I love DP and he is my best friend. We have 2 kids and have been together over 20 years. He is 48 and has chronic health issues now, most of which I believe could have been addressed if he'd chosen to do so. Instead they've built up and it's hard for him to see a way out. He is addicted to tramadol. He buries his head in the sand. When we've spoken he says he will contact the GP and then never does. The resentment spills over. He's definitely depressed with low self esteem. I have all but given up on trying to help him now, as I end up feeling like his mum. I have my own active social life, a good career and life is generally good but I miss intimacy and I miss sex and I'm lonely. I'm only 47. A man I know has made it clear he finds me attractive and the feeling is mutual and I am worried that one day I will be tempted so I am going to have to ditch the friend. I'm at a loss to be honest.

@omgthepain

My best friends husband has crohns and had a stoma operation 6 months ago and their daughter is 9; They haven't been intimate for 5 years but they have a perfectly happy relationship

There is more to life than sex and if you really love them it shouldn't matter

I don't think there's anything wrong about missing sex. If your best friend and her husband are perfectly happy as they are, great. But sex is a major part of marriage for many people and that is okay.

"If you really love them it shouldn't matter"? That sounds like guilt-tripping.

Lots of points of view, thank you . It has actually made me feel a bit better as I was expecting to be told to ltb, i'm not sure why!
There are definitely times when I have a bit of resentment towards his lack of care, and also his lack of concern as to the impact on our relationship.
I actually cant remember the last time we had a conversation about it. I think it's just been swept under the carpet.

I remember a very emotional conversation we had a few years ago, when the ED started. He asked me if I thought it was going to affect our relationship. He seemed genuinely surprised when I said yes! He has never been too bothered about sex, a couple of times a month would suit him before the ED.
I dont know what the answer is, I suppose there is none. Just nice to know people understand.

The last two years of my marriage were pretty much sexless, DH had terminal cancer and I was worried about injuring him or him stopping breathing (only had one lung). His medications made it harder for him to be capable of it, but he was generous with pleasuring me. The problem was, he would then get really turned on, and I would worry about his breathing. So I avoided intimacy a lot of the time. I regret that now he's dead. Its really difficult isn't it?

OP does he make the effort to satisfy you with things other than PIV?

Not totally sexless but we're only intimate every few months due to DH depression and medical issues. At times it bothers me but most of the time I'm OK with it, I have a low sex drive anyway.

My mum once gave me some really good advice, no relationship is perfect, you've got to decide if you can live with any issues that arise. If not then it's time to move on (obviously she didn't mean abuse of any sort).

No sexy behaviour here either, the odd spank on the bum, but nothing ever goes from that. We hand hold in bed and cuddles in the day but nothing sexually.

U talk about sexless married life now .see I got heart Agana ef this they pic u ct scan an they find out that I have it sence 2003 my medication say off sex heart .know it's hard but my wife has arthris stiff in the joints that bc very pain full we off it completely an I'm reborn Christian I pray alot that where I find my comfort see if u got Health issues don't go look for trouble even if u married see if u know u on medication u know u can not do it at all the two of u sit down never try to judge
U show agape love start there I been married over 15 bot we stop she said I don't want u hurt it was for my safty I hug her I show other wAy show her Gods love she dose same I wash her feet . massage her back we talk open see God wants open honest one don't. Go commit adultery with another guy u sit down u two read ur bible ask the holy spirit to teach u .to be fair I mean how u wife feel.ur husband put his wife last his first with other women or wife .God hold married life sacrid an we here lost fail oh he don't give me sex I go somewhere else the bible say that the only time one can get divorce when u sleep around meny cheat lier .

It is not shallow to divorce over sexlessness. If sex was "shallow" or of low importance to you then you would not have posted here. Suffer, cheat, or leave; pick your regret.