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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

What is this behaviour from husband?

114 replies

TiredMumma23 · 14/06/2021 21:51

I am not sure if I am being over sensitive, but have noticed DH always seems to want to have a say in things I do around house etc.

For example, yesterday DS and I were playing with a water table in the garden having fun splashing around etc. DH comes out sighing and says "can you not go and play over there instead?" and points to a different part of the garden. DS got his clothes wet (bear in mind it was 29° yesterday) and DH sighed and said he is going to catch a cold. He says things to DS sometimes rather than me even though it's obviously intended for me.

Another example is some grapes fell out of the fridge and DH shouted "for gods sake we need to put fruit in a tub please". I apologised and said we didn't have any tubs big enough and that normally they're fine because grapes come as a bunch so won't go all over floor etc. He sighed and stormed off outside.

I just feel like whatever I do is wrong and if DS chucks food or spills something etc, I just clean it up and accept that's what toddlers do but it seems to irritate DH. I just don't understand it as it's not as if he has high cleanliness standards or anything, and his own room has clothes all over the floor, empty coke cans on side etc (sleeping in separate rooms due to me cosleeping with breastfed DS).

I do as much cleaning and tidying as I can around DS' naps etc but I have a chronic illness that causes me pain and fatigue, on top of sleep deprivation as DS sleeps quite badly. I am just not sure if I'm being too sensitive. I do sometimes wonder if DH is emotionally abusive, or emotionally immature anyway, but I am just finding it hard feeling like I am treading on eggshells with things I do around the house. Am I just being a bit petty? Sorry if garbled am very tired.

OP posts:

Houseplantmad · 14/06/2021 22:05

You’re not being over sensitive, your husband is a bully. Does he do it in front of your friends or family?

A good friend of mine was married to someone who was similar to your DH - constantly picking at small things. She couldn’t do anything right. It really affected her self esteem and confidence. Once he tired of criticising things in the house and her parenting, he moved on to how she wasn’t bringing enough money in and so on. Needless to say they’re now divorced and it has taken some years for her to get back to being her old confident self.

BraxtonChic · 14/06/2021 22:05

It sounds like he's the one being petty. If he didn't like the grapes being loose, could he not have found a tub?

And why did he want you to move to another part of the garden?

How much time does he spend playing with DS, tidying up, cleaning etc?

NotStayingIn · 14/06/2021 22:14

You're not being oversensitive.

I suspect if you had played 'over there' instead, he would have come out and told you that was the wrong spot. And if the grapes were in a tub, he would have complained it takes up too much space in the fridge.

Hope someone comes along with advice on how to nip this in the bud soon.

Opentooffers · 14/06/2021 22:20

How old is your DS and how long have you been co-sleeping? I'm surprised you have been keen to breastfeed so long, if you've already got a chronic illness that causes fatigue, as that can sap your energy too.
The grumpiness could be lack of your attention to him, but I'd not be surprised if you don't give him any, as all you are getting from him is negativity.
He is communicating with you as if you are separate entities, living as inconvenient lodgers under his roof. It does sound very much overall like you are not a family unit, there is you and DC, then him being critical on the sidelines.
Does he do any parenting? Help with housework? Get involved in any positive way at all? Who is squeezing who out is the question? It could be him, it could be you, or both of you why your lives are becoming so far apart.

timeisnotaline · 14/06/2021 22:30

He doesn’t sound very nice. I’d have been you know where tubs are. You could always take him outside to play yourself. Are you done criticising from on high oh Supreme being?

timeisnotaline · 14/06/2021 22:31

Oh and it’s a lot tidier than your room and no ones trying to look after a baby while they are in there, so not sure what makes you think this is not great.

ILoveShula · 14/06/2021 22:41

Less of the 'help with the housework' please, @Opentooffers, does he pull his weight?

I'd call him out on the negativity. A suitable response with the grapes would have been 'Could you pass me a tub, please?'.

He sounds a bully.

PixieDust28 · 14/06/2021 23:23

He's a dick.

He could've easily put the grapes in a tub.

Why would you move to the other part of the garden.

Splash the bastard next time lighthearted kind of.

billy1966 · 14/06/2021 23:24

He sounds like a nasty bully.

Don't get pregnant again.

You need to protect yourself OP.

These are not the behaviours of a good man or husband.

Walking on eggshells is the result of being bullied.

Not good.

I think you need to look hard at your situation, see how you can go it alone.

Make a plan, reach out for support.
Look at your financials.

When you have your plan, sit him down and tell him that you are preparing to separate because he is a nasty bullying twat, and if he doesn't adjust his behaviour dramatically, the marriage is over.

You deserve better than him.

PixieDust28 · 14/06/2021 23:25

Also tell him to watch his step when he gets off his high horse.

GNCQ · 14/06/2021 23:35

Stick up for yourself more!

You need to say things like "go away if our splashing is bothering you so much" and "well you haven't provided a pot for the grapes so don't worry you won't be eating any then will you"

I had an ex who sounds a bit like yours. He'd constantly moan at insignificant things so eg one time he complained "why is there mouldy bread in the bread bin?" (Flapping it in my face) I replied "because you haven't thrown it away". Needless to say we didn't last

Carvoeiro123 · 14/06/2021 23:58

(sleeping in separate rooms due to me cosleeping with breastfed DS).

This IS the crucial point...he’s badly handling the fact he’s missing u plain an simple., the closeness an love..believe me u need to change this...yes men can be babies but they still need closeness with their wife and he will not be feeling this if u r in separate beds...I found this out too late..meant in the best way.xx

Grimsknee · 15/06/2021 05:48

My name for this behaviour is "passive-aggressive micro-management".

MrsTerryPratchett · 15/06/2021 05:51

And the name for talking to DS rather than you is triangulation and it's not healthy.

leafygarden42 · 15/06/2021 05:57

@PixieDust28

What she said

TheVanguardSix · 15/06/2021 06:06

You all need sleep! Once your DS is sleeping through and you can return to your bed, things will really improve. How old is DS?

Youarestillintherunning · 15/06/2021 06:14

He sounds like he is treating you as if you are one of the children! Not being oversensitive at all, and he is perfectly capable of sorting these things out himself...

PixelatedLunchbox · 15/06/2021 06:24

OP this has nothing to do with grapes or splashing in the garden. Your child is a toddler so you and DH have been sleeping separately for at least a year right? If I were him I'd be feeling abandoned and irritable as well. Children are important but so is your marriage. Maybe time for some couple time just the two of you?

Original poster

TiredMumma23 · 15/06/2021 06:48

Thanks for replies.

I don't think this issue has arisen due to sleeping in separate rooms, as we slept separately due to DH snoring before DS was born anyway. DH does get plenty of sleep as I do all night wakings and early mornings. He has never got up with him in morning. He wakes up 15/20 minutes before he has to leave for work, has a coffee and goes. He does help a bit with house stuff, he will wash up and sometimes helps with laundry. He just picks at me for little things like if some food has gone through the plug hole in kitchen he says I mustn't move the sink drainer, and when I say I haven't, he says he must have imagined finding food in the plughole then. I do all cooking. He has never made food for DS. Actually I think he made him toast a couple of times. And he has not cooked for me since the day after DS was born.

Tbh I do think this has gone on a lot longer, but I have let a lot slide due to low self esteem (have no friends and was emotionally neglected as a kid). Since having DS though I feel like I can't tolerate it as much.

He does have a thoughtful sweet side too and I do feel sorry for him sometimes. But if I try and talk to him about an issue he gets in a strop, particularly if I try and defend myself, no matter how politely I do it. He will often get in his car and drive off. He will go silent on me or drive more quickly if he's annoyed about something.

He gets grumpy and impatient with DS, for example DS is a mummy's boy and when he was having a tantrum last night he would scream whenever DH went near him. DH sat there sighing and huffing and shaking his head. If I call DH to help with a night waking, like if I have been rocking DS for a while and my back hurts or something, DH will come and help, but he's so impatient and huffs and says things like "this is ridiculous". Last week he "shhed" DS angrily and I said "you don't shh DS like that". He said "yes you do!" back to me. His parenting tends to involve plonking DS in front of TV while he plays on his phone. However, he also makes DS laugh and drives us places and I do think he loves DS, I just don't think he loves being a dad maybe?

OP posts:

Original poster

TiredMumma23 · 15/06/2021 06:49

I know what people mean about couple time and maybe he is feeling neglected. Sometimes we will get a takeaway and watch something together when DS sleeps but maybe you're right and I need to make more effort to make more time.

OP posts:

DotsandCo · 15/06/2021 06:55

@Carvoeiro123

(sleeping in separate rooms due to me cosleeping with breastfed DS).

Oh please!!! Do fuck off (and I mean this in the kindest of ways 🙄)

billy1966 · 15/06/2021 06:57

OP,
He sounds like a nasty, abusive bully who shouts you down to control you.

He also uses giving you the silent treatment to punish you.

He is a nasty piece of work and it is no wonder your son prefers you.

He does the very very minimum.

You know he is not kind.

All you can do is try and make a plan to protect yourself.

Ringing Woman's Aid would be good to talk in real life.

Do not get pregnant under any circumstances as it will just make you more stuck.

Keep posting.

DotsandCo · 15/06/2021 06:58

OP...your husband is mean, lazy, and downright nasty to you! He should NEVER be shouting at your child like that! For the sake of your child and yourself, seek help to leave this toxic relationship. It's not a healthy place to be.

billy1966 · 15/06/2021 06:59

Why would you want to spend more time with such a nasty man.

Humour him more.

I don't think so.

You need advice because he is only going to get worse.

Woweelibfree · 15/06/2021 07:07

Honestly? Well he sounds selfish and bullying. You’re working your butt off and he’s most definitely not! He doesn’t appreciate you or DS. Sorry

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