What is this behaviour from husband?

[TiredMumma23]

I am not sure if I am being over sensitive, but have noticed DH always seems to want to have a say in things I do around house etc.

For example, yesterday DS and I were playing with a water table in the garden having fun splashing around etc. DH comes out sighing and says "can you not go and play over there instead?" and points to a different part of the garden. DS got his clothes wet (bear in mind it was 29° yesterday) and DH sighed and said he is going to catch a cold. He says things to DS sometimes rather than me even though it's obviously intended for me.

Another example is some grapes fell out of the fridge and DH shouted "for gods sake we need to put fruit in a tub please". I apologised and said we didn't have any tubs big enough and that normally they're fine because grapes come as a bunch so won't go all over floor etc. He sighed and stormed off outside.

I just feel like whatever I do is wrong and if DS chucks food or spills something etc, I just clean it up and accept that's what toddlers do but it seems to irritate DH. I just don't understand it as it's not as if he has high cleanliness standards or anything, and his own room has clothes all over the floor, empty coke cans on side etc (sleeping in separate rooms due to me cosleeping with breastfed DS).

I do as much cleaning and tidying as I can around DS' naps etc but I have a chronic illness that causes me pain and fatigue, on top of sleep deprivation as DS sleeps quite badly. I am just not sure if I'm being too sensitive. I do sometimes wonder if DH is emotionally abusive, or emotionally immature anyway, but I am just finding it hard feeling like I am treading on eggshells with things I do around the house. Am I just being a bit petty? Sorry if garbled am very tired.

You have totally done the right thing! I hope you gain the support from this group to realise you and your dc deserved better than this. Lean on your family at this time and stay safe x

You're not over sensitive. Your DH is just an arse

Thank you so much. Reading the replies has saved me and reassured me so much and I'm really grateful.

I did ring my mum initially and sobbed down the phone for a bit. I don't really have many friends but I did chat with my closest one who had been really supportive and encouraging.

He has not come back home yet which has surprised me.

I will now need to try and sort housing etc out.

Oh he is home actually, I've just popped to the loo and I can hear him snoring in his room. Now anxious for the morning. Gah.

He sounds like a lazy partner and a shit father.

I think when mine threw water in one of the DC's face at the dinner table, due to I don't even remember what the kid did, when he hurled a full (styrofoam, thank goodness?) coffee cup at the television, splashing it all over the wall behind it and up to the ceiling, when he stomped all over the house looking for something he lost, screaming about where does something like that go (and this happened a LOT), when he grabbed the steering wheel WHILE I WAS DRIVING because he wanted me to take a different exit out of a parking lot than I did, when he rage drove with our little baby in the car and then rage braked, when a car almost t-boned us out of an intersection and I screamed "watch out" I was told I needed not to shout at him while driving, not hey thanks for helping us avoid a collision, when he told me right after we'd had an argument and we're on our way to a family event that "I had better plaster a smile on my face", when he repeatedly gambled and wasted our money and told me he could do what he wanted, when he wound up in the hospital twice due to MH issues and then refused to stay on the medications or continue seeing a therapist, when he acted the slug sleeping throughout the day on the couch in the living room and everyone had to be sure not to wake him, when every argument about him smoking in front of the kids in our house and in our car ended with "I do what I want", when every argument about gambling our money away ended in "it's not that bad, I haven't lost the house", when I realized that I was living every day in fear of just exactly how and when he would become enraged at me or one of the kids and I finally understood that I had to decide if I wanted to live like this for the rest of my life and the answer was very clear. Even went to a joint counselor for a few sessions and then once alone and it helped me realize that things would never change. I did not want to grow old with a grumpy nasty old man, and I didn't want the kids to have to grow up in that atmosphere. It was the hardest thing I have ever had to do because of my wedding vows, but it had to be done.

So, anyway, good luck there, OP.

When I told my mother I felt I had to get a divorce due to his refusal to get help for his MH and gambling issues she was upset, but not at me. She told me I was strong and brave. She told me he was the one who broke the wedding vows, not me. I had stayed and tried to be supportive but you can't continue to be supportive to someone who refuses to get help.

I think I must've suppressed a lot of the bad stuff because reading your post about him storming out in the car....

Mine did that too! Several times. I would make him angry (he said) and he would storm out and go gambling. Because of course it was all my fault I drove him to it. Even when we hadn't had an argument, he'd just wait until I was asleep and then sneak out gambling. Be out all night. Be incommunicado, not answer his phone, I would worry. I would of course be home with the kids by myself, wake up see he wasn't there, and worry if he was coming back and when. And have to be at work in the morning and have to wait for him to show up in time for me to go to work! And go to work not having slept!

Gave me time to download all the financial statements, though, and see just how many credit card cash advances and debit card ATM withdrawals he had been doing. 😇

I really hope that you find the strength to leave. Take a cue from your smart little DS - there’s a reason he screams when his dad comes near. I doubt your H will want 50:50, but he’ll scare you with it. Leave anyway as the 50:50 won’t last once your ex-H realises how hard and expensive it is to look after his son 50% of the time. It will quickly change to 80:20 - especially if you leave now!!! If you wait until your son is 8+ and easier to look after, your H might push for 50:50 and be able to deal with it, as looking after a child of that age is much much easier. Go now whilst it is hard and get the contact level you want and save your son from this abusive wanker. You can do this!!

What a bastard! You should tell him he hasn't been a good husband, that he is not a supportive husband or a supportive father. He truly sounds unstable and has serious anger issues. He needs help.

@TiredMumma23 - I hope you'll find the strength to steel your resolve and get rid of this abusive man.

Keep your eye on the prize: imagine waking up in the morning to a peaceful home, no longer walking on eggshells, your precious child not living in fear of his own father...

You can do this

Two words....get rid

Good luck this morning 💐

Can you message him during the day if he goes to work to ask him to move out? He’s obviously got no interest in listening to you or changing and it’s not fair on ds or you to have to live with him.

He needs to go and stay gone. You and your little boy deserve so much better.

Good luck this morning op as you can see by him turning up and going to sleep last nights his threats are empty and simply designed to scare you. Remember that when he says things like he'll go for 50/50 with the dc etc. It's all hot air and bullying tactics

I know it's probably hard to believe right now, but you really are stronger than you think. Dig deep, it's there. You really are doing the right thing.

Is anyone able to have your child this morning. I would drop him off there and then when your partner wakes up ask him to leave.
If you think he could be violent you could go out for the day with your son and then tell him or have someone with you.

No one able to have DS unfortunately, any family I have are all working. I don't drive either. Atmosphere has been unbearable this morning, DH has not spoken to either DS or I, was slumped over kitchen table with head in his arms and just now has got in his car and left without saying anything (he has a day off today). I can't stomach any food and have heart palpitations, I am finding this so hard.

You're doing the right thing @TiredMumma23, he's punishing you for criticising him (the silent treatment, aggressiveness, 'fast driving) are all to condition you to think twice about speaking up next time (to make you think it's not worth it). He's trying to guilt trip you by implying he's going to kill himself because of you (bet you were crying your eyes out, overwrought with guilt and 'what have I done!?!'s until the moment you found him snoring away in bed.

He's going to throw everything at you. He's going to make you feel like you're crazy, and blowing everything out of proportion. You're not. You're being mistreated in your own home, and so is your child. He's going to try to use other people and spin a yarn about your behaviour to make them think you're going crazy and get them on his side against you. He's going to suggest he'll kill himself, and do reckless things. It's all too shut you up, and fall back into place. You're going to be strong, for yourself and your child. Abs also be aware that this is the state that SOME men turn violent (and say you drove them to it). If he stays damaging things (doors, objects, walls, car) this is a bad sign and you need to leave.

The important thing is to tell him he has to leave, and if he threatens suicide call a medical helpline immediately. You don’t have to sit there freaking out hes suicidal, which is absolutely what he wants you to be doing. There are medical experts who should handle this if he means it, and if he’s faking then it shows him you won’t take this crap, because it’s not your responsibility.

Things have got worse. DH and I spoke last night after not speaking for two days after I confronted about him being horrid to DS and he left house.

He won't even acknowledge that how he speaks to DS is wrong. He said its disgusting that I even brought it up because he had had a bad day at work. But anytime I try and politely bring something up it is the wrong time. He kept saying the reason he spoke to DS like that is due to work stress and because I don't show him affection but I don't understand how you can justify swearing and speaking nastily to a toddler because of that. It feels like he is blaming me. In fact he did say it was because of me. He then said that if he left it would ruin DS' life. He also said I am always leaving knives on the edge of the worktop and that I "nearly set the house on fire a few weeks ago" (DS had been twiddling with the hob dials when I was cooking and I thought I'd corrected them all but he sneakily turned one again and an empty pan was on the hob). It feels like he is trying to say I'm an unfit mother. He also said if I met someone else they would not treat DS like a son. He said he would kill himself if he didn't get to see DS.

I feel sick today, I want to get out. I wish I had somewhere to go. The atmosphere in this house is unbearable. Just to make me feel more conflicted, DS kept reaching for daddy's hand this morning and being clingy etc, which makes me feel even more guilty about leaving. And I know DH will use it to justify trying to take him from me. I just want to go, this is destroying me. Thank you if you've read.

To clarify, I don't leave knives on edge of worktop. I'm very careful about that stuff especially now he reaches and grabs things. It just felt like he is going to make things up to go against me.

OP I’m sorry you are going through this. You sound like a great Mum so please do not let him gaslight you into thinking otherwise. After reading your updates I’m worried you might be in an escalating situation so please be very careful.
Control and abuse often gets worse after pregnancy because abusive men realise it is harder for you to leave. Please be mindful of your safety and contact your local domestic abuse charity who can help you make a plan to leave safely with your son. When I left my ex husband I found the local charity more helpful and easier to get hold of than Women’s Aid.

I started off thinking the grumpiness was due to your DH feeling neglected and handling it badly. As I read on I realised your DH is a bully and abusive. He won’t change. Divorce him.

Thank you. I feel pathetic because yesterday I was crying feeling sad about our marriage ending, remembering good times. I just can't take it anymore. When trying to justify his behaviour to out son, he even brought up the fact that he had bought me a new phone and that shows how much he cares about me, and kept saying what a good dad he is. Going to try and ring local Women's Aid shortly.