What is this behaviour from husband?

[TiredMumma23]

I am not sure if I am being over sensitive, but have noticed DH always seems to want to have a say in things I do around house etc.

For example, yesterday DS and I were playing with a water table in the garden having fun splashing around etc. DH comes out sighing and says "can you not go and play over there instead?" and points to a different part of the garden. DS got his clothes wet (bear in mind it was 29° yesterday) and DH sighed and said he is going to catch a cold. He says things to DS sometimes rather than me even though it's obviously intended for me.

Another example is some grapes fell out of the fridge and DH shouted "for gods sake we need to put fruit in a tub please". I apologised and said we didn't have any tubs big enough and that normally they're fine because grapes come as a bunch so won't go all over floor etc. He sighed and stormed off outside.

I just feel like whatever I do is wrong and if DS chucks food or spills something etc, I just clean it up and accept that's what toddlers do but it seems to irritate DH. I just don't understand it as it's not as if he has high cleanliness standards or anything, and his own room has clothes all over the floor, empty coke cans on side etc (sleeping in separate rooms due to me cosleeping with breastfed DS).

I do as much cleaning and tidying as I can around DS' naps etc but I have a chronic illness that causes me pain and fatigue, on top of sleep deprivation as DS sleeps quite badly. I am just not sure if I'm being too sensitive. I do sometimes wonder if DH is emotionally abusive, or emotionally immature anyway, but I am just finding it hard feeling like I am treading on eggshells with things I do around the house. Am I just being a bit petty? Sorry if garbled am very tired.

I have been trying to get hold of Women's Aid and my local housing association all day. Neither have answered. I am feeling very despondent. DH will be home from work soon and then it's the weekend. I just want to curl up in a ball and cry. I really wanted to get this sorted today.

It sounds like a nerve wracking way to live.

Has he always s been this way?

Is he jealous of the time you are spending with DS?

He doesn’t sound nice at all.

@ScrollingLeaves

It sounds like a nerve wracking way to live.

Has he always s been this way?

Is he jealous of the time you are spending with DS?

He doesn’t sound nice at all.

He has really and never lets me speak up or question him. If I do he will tell me I'm not to argue with him and leave the house. He's always been like that but I think having DS has made me less tolerant of his behaviour and opened my eyes to it more. He does have a nice side too which I have always used as an excuse to stay. I think he may be jealous of DS, but he was also keen for me to be a SAHM so obviously I'm going to be spending a lot of time with him as his primary carer, so I'm not sure what he expected really.

I am so sorry. He may have a nice side to him too, but no one can live the way you have been doing I definitely. Having DS must have made you realise this is intolerable because, though you have put up with the nasty treatment yourself, you see how it would harm DD.

Try to stay peaceful and look after yourself and DS while you wait for Monday.

The suicide threat is part of his array of Control methods.

It sounds like he can't stand not having your complete attention at all times. You need to keep strong for your DS. You sounds like a great mum.

In your particular case wanting you to be a SAHM might have been to keep control too.

He sounds horrid. I used to live with a man similar. My husband now of 20 years accepts and tolerates me. He asked me today if my drawer closer mechanism was broken while I was cooking and I looked around and it was carnage. But that guy would have sulked, walked out, gone to the pub and called me names. My wonderful man just rolls his eyes and says you are so shit but I love you

Your poor child, having to live with a father who screams and rages at them for normal toddler behaviour. You have to follow through on leaving him for your child’s sake.

As for talk of killing himself, ignore that. I’ve known many a manipulative man that has threatened that at the end of a relationship. They have no such intentions, they’re just vile enough to try and use that to get their victim to stay for more abuse.

he was also keen for me to be a SAHM

Well thays no surprise to me at all, he wanted you vunerable and financially reliant on him.

DS kept reaching for daddy's hand this morning and being clingy etc

He's doing this as he wants his dad's approval and doesn't understand why he's always angry at him.

anytime I try and politely bring something up it is the wrong time

Yes because hes not interested in making positive changes and wants you to stfu, fall in line and take whatever shit he throws at you. He thinks he has you trapped now you have a child.

Look OP I'm going to just be straight with you this man doesn't love you, he treats you and his own son with utter contempt. You need to close your ears to whatever comes out of the poisonous little bastards mouth and focus on getting out of there.

If he opens his liar hole again just Grey rock, total disinterest, busy yourself and carry on your plan to move out.

He's damaged your sense of self that much you're second guessing everything. You need to end this relationship as soon as possible before it eats you alive. Wait until you're set up and announce you're moving out and you will be in touch to make arrangements for access to your son.

Don't engage at all just plan silently.

I cannot imagine. My DH saying these things, if he even tried he would get a stfu 🤬

I hope you're okay Tired. Please get him out. You and your ds don't deserve any of his bullshit.

@TiredMumma23 how are you doing? Hope you got through the weekend ok and can make plans to leave this vile man ASAP.

[quote Rutheroot]@TiredMumma23 how are you doing? Hope you got through the weekend ok and can make plans to leave this vile man ASAP.[/quote]
I'm OK thank you. I rang the National Domestic Abuse helpline today and spoke to a helpful lady who confirmed that DH is psychologically and emotionally abusive and that his behaviour is deteriorating. I spoke with my local Housing Association too but they were not particularly helpful and said I will have to speak to someone else next Monday.

DH being perfectly pleasant at the moment and has been over the weekend mostly too. I'm trying not to become complacent but I do keep doubting myself, and then questioning whether I have the courage to go through with leaving at all anyway. I get caught up in the practical side of leaving - do I tell him face to face, as leaving a letter or email feels very cold.

do I tell him face to face, as leaving a letter or email feels very cold.

@TiredMumma23 Professionals have told you he's abusive though OP (they would know.) You could ask the abuse helpline people about whether you should tell him in person and they can reassure that there's nothing wrong with ensuring your safe, by not doing it.

You don't owe him anything after how he's behaved.