What is this behaviour from husband?

[TiredMumma23]

I am not sure if I am being over sensitive, but have noticed DH always seems to want to have a say in things I do around house etc.

For example, yesterday DS and I were playing with a water table in the garden having fun splashing around etc. DH comes out sighing and says "can you not go and play over there instead?" and points to a different part of the garden. DS got his clothes wet (bear in mind it was 29° yesterday) and DH sighed and said he is going to catch a cold. He says things to DS sometimes rather than me even though it's obviously intended for me.

Another example is some grapes fell out of the fridge and DH shouted "for gods sake we need to put fruit in a tub please". I apologised and said we didn't have any tubs big enough and that normally they're fine because grapes come as a bunch so won't go all over floor etc. He sighed and stormed off outside.

I just feel like whatever I do is wrong and if DS chucks food or spills something etc, I just clean it up and accept that's what toddlers do but it seems to irritate DH. I just don't understand it as it's not as if he has high cleanliness standards or anything, and his own room has clothes all over the floor, empty coke cans on side etc (sleeping in separate rooms due to me cosleeping with breastfed DS).

I do as much cleaning and tidying as I can around DS' naps etc but I have a chronic illness that causes me pain and fatigue, on top of sleep deprivation as DS sleeps quite badly. I am just not sure if I'm being too sensitive. I do sometimes wonder if DH is emotionally abusive, or emotionally immature anyway, but I am just finding it hard feeling like I am treading on eggshells with things I do around the house. Am I just being a bit petty? Sorry if garbled am very tired.

@PixelatedLunchbox

OP this has nothing to do with grapes or splashing in the garden. Your child is a toddler so you and DH have been sleeping separately for at least a year right? If I were him I'd be feeling abandoned and irritable as well. Children are important but so is your marriage. Maybe time for some couple time just the two of you?

Agree with this.

@TiredMumma23 This is not the newborn stage, you need to be investing in your marriage (without which you wouldn't have your DS in the first place). You do realise you're in a relationship and are not a single mother? You're being short sighted focusing on breast feeding. It's far far far more beneficial for your DS for you both to be properly working on your marriage and avoiding divorce which is going to be a permanent far more traumatic experience for him than him missing out on breastfeeding at his age!

He's a "mummy's boy" and cutting out his dad because you've made it your mission to focus too much on your DS (and at times sounds like you overindulge your DS), to the detriment of your marriage and his other parent. It's naturally bred resentment in your DH which is manifesting in his behaviour. There's also no harm in him having a different parenting style to you, he's just as much DH's parent as you are. You need to start turning things around fast before it destroys your marriage. I would start going for counselling

Women's Aid believed you. We believe you.

Outsiders are not seeing the reality and sadly lots don't understand abuse.

You need to remember that when people make comments about him being a "good dad" they are not offering up a deep analysis, it is just a throwaway nicety based on them seeing a superficial moment and remarking that it seems nice.

Nobody who knew and understood the real picture behind closed doors would describe his behaviour as being a good dad. It's not.

Not sleeping in the same bed doesn't excuse his behaviour. It's not ok.

Hi all

Sorry to bump my own thread. Feeling a bit lost and lonely today. I am still here with DH but have now spoken with a Solicitor and my local Housing Association and think I am going to speak to him tonight and ask him to leave.

Two examples of recent behaviour are that DS was not very pleased to see DH when he came in from work, was screaming his head off whenever DH went anywhere near him, so DH kept getting annoyed, tutted and stormed off downstairs saying "for f"*s sake " slamming the stair gate on his way. Not appropriate at all. Also a couple of weeks back when DS fell over while shaking the stair gate downstairs when I was upstairs, DH said "for f**s sake, you did that on purpose". He has snapped at DS for trying to take food off DHs plate, has become increasingly moody, snapping "hello" at me sarcastically if I don't answer a question straight away. I feel ill from it all. I am just frightened of telling him it's over. He will be home from work in a couple of hours, I just can't keep putting it off.

Sorry just needed to get things out.

Hi OP it will be difficut but just take one step at a time. Hi behaviour is awful and will have a terrible effect on your son, and you, if it continues.

Have you talked to anyone in real life about all this? You need some real life back up, just one friend or family member. You do need out of this relationship but please be safe.
There is no easy/pain free way to do it but once the words are out there out. That was the hardest part for me, after that I was just so relieved.
Your life and your sons will be infinitely better by the sounds of things.
No walking on eggshells, second guessing yourself,worrying what will set him off next, the goal posts being moved every time you think you've got something right.
There is a beautiful life to be had by you and your son. Good luck

He sounds an absolute misery to live with.

Worse than this. He is an abusive, lying, manipulative bully.

Do not let your son grow up with thinking that this is how to treat women.

Not it won't be easy, but you need to make plans to leave to protect your son.

Sorry, just saw your update.

I"m cheering you on. You can do this. x

You don’t need to tell him, he can just receive divorce papers, or wake up to you packing, ready for your new home and tell him he is to email you about contact with the child, and nothing else, thanks, byeeeee. Why waste your breath on the prick for anything more than that? Enjoy your new life!

Thanks everyone. I have spoken with my closest friend and my mum, so they are aware of the situation.

I think it will end up that DS and I remain here in the privately rented property for now, so I would not be able to pack and go. I am obviously conscious that he will continue to remain a big part of DS' life too.

I confronted him tonight after he shouted at DS for taking food off his plate and then slammed his plate on floor and said "fine take it then" before storming off. I said I was not happy with how he has been speaking to DS. He immediately put his shoes on and got car keys, said I was not a good wife as he has been stressed and I haven't been affectionate. He said he was leaving and that he didn't want to be alive anymore and he's gone. I feel so lost and heartbroken and my stomach is all tied up. I have been with him half of my life. Please tell me it'll be okay or I have done the right thing. I feel terrible.

It will be ok OP, and you have done the right thing. It's natural to feel lost, but you're putting your dc and yourself first which is the way it should be against a bully

You have done the right thing - don’t let him back in! Can you ring your mum or a friend to come so you’re not on your own?

Your dh seems to be very lacking in maturity.
Shouting at a toddler and slamming plates, then blaming you for his own bad behaviour and driving off.

I couldn't live with that stress and never knowing what might trigger him.

I think you are best to leave.
Your ds needs to grow up in a calm environment.

It’s good that he has gone, it’s better than a fight to get him out.
If he comes back and you are scared, ring the police.

Someone who genuinely "doesn't want to be alive anymore" generally doesn't tell anyone about it and just does it. Someone who's trying to manipulate/hurt you, puts their feelings onto you. Despicable behaviour he's shown there. Even if he did do something drastic, it would in no way be your fault. His words and behaviour are his alone.

Keep your chin up. His feelings are not because of anything you have said or done.

Thank you, I haven't stopped crying. I just keep thinking what if he's done something stupid. I feel guilty that he has said I've not been a supportive wife / affectionate too, maybe I should have invested more time and effort in him. I feel so lost.

You’ve been running yourself ragged doing everything for the baby while he does nothing but pick away at you and criticise. This is not your fault in any way - he has brought this on himself you deserve so much better than this

Hi tired, it’s unlikely he will do anything to himself - it’s just part of the manipulation the abuser does.
He’s not a good father and I wouldn’t want him near my child. He sounds jealous and he’s immature.
Grown adults converse. He doesn’t appear to be able to do that.
He is not your problem.
Lean on your real life support.
If he gets intimidating call the police.
💐💐

He isnt giving you much choice but to kick him out. He wont reflect on his own behaviour - he blames you instead. He is threatening you by implying he will 'do something stupid' to manipulate you (he wont). He refuses to discuss any issues and instead buries his head in the sand and runs away.
No wife would be supportive if their husband was constantly criticising them, and worse criticising their child for perfectly normal toddler behaviour, not to mention the sarcasm, the snapping, the lack of support with his share of parenting etc. Nobody could live like that and then think they wanted to be affectionate with someone who treated them that badly. Nobody

Manipulative shit....ignore him honestly that is a strop not a serious cry for help. It's just another method of control clearly he is upping the anti realising you arent putting up with it anymore. You did the right thing you stood up for your Son keep going.

I read your post@TiredMumma23 and it was honestly the same as what i experienced many years ago..I ended up feeling so completely confused,second guessing&pre-empting the digs&criticisms before he said them&overthinking the smallest,silliest things-like putting loo roll the right way round/putting things on the wrong shelf in fridge/pegging the washing out wrong/mopping wrong/not putting nappies in the box tge right way..the list is immense&i remember literally livi g my life on eggshells yearning for some peace from the potential arguements(if i dared try to reason with him)the stuff with the kids almost made me lose my mind-apparently matching clothes&shoes was wrong,making sure the kids were warm in bed was somehow neglecting him&spending too long on their dinner&not enough time on thinking what he'd like(they were 1+2)..
My doctor eventually helped me see the light -as id moved overseas with him&knew no-one-i had spoken to her asking for anti-depressents as i thought i must be mentally ill because i felt on edge&sad with my life&anxious(another thing he liked to suggest).She outright said he was abusive,she saw this a lot&i had6 sessions with a psychologist as she thought it would help clarify the situ-long story short it was only through this that i found the strength to leave him,I gave him more opportunities to change-i really loved the idea of what our lives coukd be like (as he'd sold it to me)the way he was but he' be ok for a few days ,then revert back.Fortunately as i was seeing the psychologist through this i could talk to her about it as it happened and it helped beyond measure.
.. its 14 years after this happened and i still cant believe that was my life&how quickly i lost my identity,confidence&sanity. Please dont think this is something you have to live wit or that if you justdo'this or that'the right way the guy you used to know will return..
Put your mental health&kids before this-it will get worse as the years pass&you'll be left as a shell of yourself-no confidence of belief -whilst he has the kind of StepfordWife set up he desires.
Good luck op.

Manipulative shit....ignore him honestly that is a strop not a serious cry for help. It's just another method of control clearly he is upping the anti realising you arent putting up with it anymore. You did the right thing you stood up for your Son keep going.

Absolutely this!!

He’s used to you being a pushover and being able to control everything you do. You’ve finally stood up for yourself and he doesn’t know how to act so he’s trying to manipulate you in another way to make you feel guilty like you’ve done something wrong. You haven’t. Do not play into his games else he’ll use this tactic to get his own way every time and you’ll be stuck walking on eggshells forever.

That man is an adult and responsible for himself. You are not responsible for him OP.

Well done on ending it. The relationship has been broken for a while from what you have described (he broke it!).

Do you have someone who you can ring about this tonight and check in on you and DS?

Carvoeiro are you blind?

This is an abusive relationship OP, you need to get your financial independance back asap and start making plans to exit.

What other people think of his act is irrelevant. You see the real deal on a day to day basis. I wonder what they would think of him if they saw him throwing a tantrum over a fiver.

Go back to work as soon as possible, this relationship will grind you to dust.