DH speaking to me like dirt

[Sleeplessem]

Hi all,

I’m just ranting or having a bit of a pity party, but lately DH has started speaking to me like dirt. I can’t pinpoint when it started but it’s just becoming more regular.

He gets just angry about the most insignificant things. I’ll use what just happened now as an example, it’s really hot weather and we were getting ready to go out to a park today. When DD (21 months was napping) I laid out some clothes for her, so after she woke up we got her changed to go. After she got changed, I wasn’t sure I liked the outfit and said ‘oh you don’t think she looks like a little sailor boy do you’ and he said yes but it’s the clothes you f’ing well chose and I’m not f’ing changing her now and then he started raving and ranting about that and I said I just don’t want her to look silly and he just went off on one calling me f’ing stupid and ridiculous and to shut my f’ing mouth. He then told me I had to stay in and I wasn’t allowed to go out with him and DD because all I do is ruin every weekend. I had to go to the bathroom and have a little sob.

I understand I might be a bit annoying but I don’t think I deserve to be shouted at like this especially over something so small. The above is just an example, this sort of stuff is happening more and more often. I tried to speak to him about it in the car after he said I was allowed to come and said even if what I was saying silly, his reaction was extreme and unwarranted. He was having none of it.

I’m also 16 weeks pregnant with dc2. I had quite an abusive childhood so being spoken to like this makes me so sad. Am I being over sensitive?

If anything you are exceedingly under reacting.

He is very abusive and you should start taking steps to leave him asap before baby is born and itll be harder.

He is abusing, intimidating, controlling and gaslighting you. Get yourself and your wee baba out of there asap and never look back. If you stay he will only get worse.

Speak to womens aid for advice.

Ps: so not let your children grow up seeing their mother being abused like this. Or the cycle will continue and they will go on to date abusers because they saw their mum accept it by staying with hers.

You’re being abused and your baby is witnessing it. Would you consider leaving him?

He sounds like a grade a C*nt.
I’ve been with my husband 16 years, we’ve had loads of times when we’ve got annoyed with each other and have almost broken up….however not once has he called me a fucking anything.

Aggression like that isn’t ok and isn’t part of a healthy relationship, especially over something so trivial.

He sounds abusive to be honest.

What happens after these outbursts?

No, you are not being over sensitive at all. You're being abused in this relationship and in turn your child will pick up on it as well.

I am sorry you had an abusive childhood, that was not your fault either and in turn your boundaries, already affected by past abuse, are being further got at by your husband now. In the event you have never spoken about this in your childhood I would urge you to contact NAPAC napac.org.uk/

The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.

What was he like with you day to day prior to the birth of your first child?. What is he like to people in the outside world, perhaps all sweetness and light. Pregnancy and birth are known flashpoints for abusive men to further start ramping up the power and control against their chosen target. I think that if anyone is ruining the weekend here it is he, not you. He is angry because he is abusive, not because he is angry. He has a problem with anger, YOUR anger, when you rightly call him out on his unreasonable behaviours.

I would contact Womens Aid (you can go to Boots and ask for Ani; the staff will direct you to one of their consultation booths where domestic violence support services/info can be accessed) as soon as you are able. If you are seeing a health visitor or nurse practitioner or midwife re your second pregnancy do mention your H's behaviours towards you to this person. Abuse thrives on secrecy, please start opening up to trusted others. Keep posting here too.

So treating you like shit is his coping mechanism. My x carried on like this. He always felt better after he'd run me down.

Leave him.
He is a nasty piece of work.
Speaking to you like a piece of dirt on the ground. How dare he.
It won't get better.
He is abusing you.

Ps imagine if one of your children was treated like this when they had a partner in later life.
What would you say to them.
He has no respect for you.
Stop this now.

“I’m also 16 weeks pregnant with dc2. I had quite an abusive childhood so being spoken to like this makes me so sad. Am I being over sensitive?”

I haven’t read the full thread but just wanted to answer this question you put.

No you are nit being over sensitive. As you told him, his reaction was unwarranted.

You say DH has started behaving like this lately.

Are you sure he was not like this before? If you are sure, then perhaps he is under a lot of stress - even so his behaviour is wrong.

Has your dh always been like this but just got worse recently? What's happened to make him like this I wonder? There was nothing to get cross about, just because you wanted to put the baby in a different outfit. What's he going to be like when something really goes wrong? I know it's hard to split when you've got a toddler and another baby on the way, but you can't let it carry on like this. He might even get physical if he thinks he can get away with it. Think hard, OP.

He's supposed to make you feel safe and look after his family.
Great example!!☹️

This isn't OK OP. It's obviously an increasing pattern of behaviour that when you irritate him he thinks he can have an outburst like this. I'm not sure if you are scared of him or just feel really sad. Ideally before this escalates, you'd get angry! Good advice about getting support.

No you are not being overly sensitive, he’s a bully and he is abusing you and your children, albeit too young to understand at the moment are going to witness this behaviour.
I’d suggest contacting women’s aid and a solicitor. I’m so sorry you are going through this, you are not to blame- he is.

Listen to AttilatheMeerkat.
She gave very true advice OP as gave others.

I’m in split minds about leaving, of course I love him etc, but taking that out of the equation sometimes I think it would be better to just split but realistically I can’t afford our house alone, I have no family that would help with two kids and honestly I couldn’t afford to private rent alone, especially when my pay drops to SMP. I couldn’t even afford to raise 2 kids solo and work, especially with childcare costs. I do still believe there is scope to work on things (and not just for financial reasons) but I also acknowledge that things right now are broken and if it carries on divorce is inevitable.

@Totallyrandomname after the outbursts, aside from me feeling like crap, 95% of the time he apologises and we try and talk through why he reacted like that.

So what's his explanation? Why does he talk to you like that? Does he talk like that to anyone else in his life or just you, his partner?

He should be ashamed of himself and for treating you like this. Think very carefully about what you want and what message this is sending your dc.

Is it an apology though if he continues behaving the same way?

One person's behaviour choices are not something that can be "worked on" as a pair.

Don't post your answer here, but perhaps consider whether the abuse you experienced as a child was so severe/different that to you this current abuse almost feels acceptable?

It's not.

A few people asked what he was like before, he was sweet, kind, very sensitive and loving. We were together 6 years before we had a child, married 4 so it’s not like we hadn’t had chance to get to know each other.

I had quite bad anxiety and I used to get angry easily too, so I wonder if his is related to anxiety not that it makes it ok. But I reached out and got help for me, even though in that time I was quite a shouty person (not name calling but looking back I’d overreact) so I do wonder if I made him like this.

I’m still quite anxious but not in a shouting way just sometimes I get worried about things, and let it affect me too much. This is a red flag for him and he gets v cross with me.

Things got worse with my second pregnancy which was unplanned, I’ve felt awful and had horrible sickness, I also had an appendicitis and the flu, all in the first trimester, so a lot of care for our toddler and house stuff fell on him, I think he feels resentful towards that.

I believe you that it would be financially very tough, it was for me too, but I had a five year financial recovery plan that took 9 years, but Im so grateful i left. I can see that i almost didnt. Please have faith in yourself and trust in the supports that are out there. Xxx

A truly loving man would not treat you (and in turn your children) at all like this. Do you love him or are you perhaps confusing this with codependency?.

What scope is there really to work on things?. There is none because he at heart never apologies nor accepts any real responsibility for his actions. His apologies to you therefore are meaningless. And in the meantime the nice/nasty cycle of abuse continues against you and that cycle is a continuous cycle.

You are married to this person and thus have rights in law. I would urge you to find out your rights re the finances, property and children from a Solicitor rather than supposition about finances, children etc going around and around in your head.

Would he be able to get the same help you got for yourself?

Tell him he must get help including for anger management. Think if the DC and how harmful it will be for them to live like this.

If you both love each other and he doesn’t want to lose you then how about counselling?

If you want to try and save it, then you have to have a come to Jesus conv with him and say this cannot go on - you are abusing me and it is damaging me and will damage the kids. Do that today.

Then sort out some marriage counselling - don’t think you will fix this without you both being in a room with a neutral party.

But it may not be fixable. And if it’s not, however hard it is, it will be far better to go than stay.

DH would only every speak to me like that once. He'd be out of the house before he'd finished speaking. Thankfully he's not an abusive asshole but a respectful partner. If he got annoyed at me he may grumble for a minute along the lines of 'Do we REALLY have to change her again?' but he wouldn't find it acceptable to swear at me and insult me. None of his behaviour is normal or ok.

@AttilaTheMeerkat I wouldn’t say it’s codependency, I mean I earn a decent wage for someone my age but I do rely on him and he does earn more than me. Reason I’d say it’s love, is i can say confidently that it’s being eroded.

But I agree with you, an apology isn’t sincere if the pattern of behaviour repeats itself.