DH speaking to me like dirt

[Sleeplessem]

Hi all,

I’m just ranting or having a bit of a pity party, but lately DH has started speaking to me like dirt. I can’t pinpoint when it started but it’s just becoming more regular.

He gets just angry about the most insignificant things. I’ll use what just happened now as an example, it’s really hot weather and we were getting ready to go out to a park today. When DD (21 months was napping) I laid out some clothes for her, so after she woke up we got her changed to go. After she got changed, I wasn’t sure I liked the outfit and said ‘oh you don’t think she looks like a little sailor boy do you’ and he said yes but it’s the clothes you f’ing well chose and I’m not f’ing changing her now and then he started raving and ranting about that and I said I just don’t want her to look silly and he just went off on one calling me f’ing stupid and ridiculous and to shut my f’ing mouth. He then told me I had to stay in and I wasn’t allowed to go out with him and DD because all I do is ruin every weekend. I had to go to the bathroom and have a little sob.

I understand I might be a bit annoying but I don’t think I deserve to be shouted at like this especially over something so small. The above is just an example, this sort of stuff is happening more and more often. I tried to speak to him about it in the car after he said I was allowed to come and said even if what I was saying silly, his reaction was extreme and unwarranted. He was having none of it.

I’m also 16 weeks pregnant with dc2. I had quite an abusive childhood so being spoken to like this makes me so sad. Am I being over sensitive?

I would say there is definitely hope for your marriage. The fact that he actually sees that what he is doing is wrong and has agreed to work on it is good. I too come from a culture that nen are allowed to shout and rant and rave and the wife is supposed to live with it. My ex is very entrenched and feels that he is allowed to shout and rave at you because he is "angry". No apologising after because i deserved it! Thats why he is an ex!

Recording any further out bursts would be a good idea.

@Sleeplessem

I’m in split minds about leaving, of course I love him etc, but taking that out of the equation sometimes I think it would be better to just split but realistically I can’t afford our house alone, I have no family that would help with two kids and honestly I couldn’t afford to private rent alone, especially when my pay drops to SMP. I couldn’t even afford to raise 2 kids solo and work, especially with childcare costs. I do still believe there is scope to work on things (and not just for financial reasons) but I also acknowledge that things right now are broken and if it carries on divorce is inevitable.

@Totallyrandomname after the outbursts, aside from me feeling like crap, 95% of the time he apologises and we try and talk through why he reacted like that.

With two children the likelihood is that you would be able to stay in the house (or something comparable) with them with your husband paying all or most of the rent and maintenance.

@Zzelda would that be the case for a mortgage?

@femfemlicious I hope so I really do as we fought incredibly hard to get where we are. We’re from different cultures and he’s one of 2 people out of his family who haven’t had an arrange marriage.

In the wider community let alone the family it is very much a case of the man is the king of the house, sons are doted on from an early age and women should be ‘grateful’. Thankfully he’s not like this but I do think he thinks he’s a bit of a hero because he does housework

He's dreadfully verbally and emotionally abusive @Sleeplessem . There's no reason that could make it ok, and it's not you who's made him do it in any way.

[quote Sleeplessem]@femfemlicious I hope so I really do as we fought incredibly hard to get where we are. We’re from different cultures and he’s one of 2 people out of his family who haven’t had an arrange marriage.

In the wider community let alone the family it is very much a case of the man is the king of the house, sons are doted on from an early age and women should be ‘grateful’. Thankfully he’s not like this but I do think he thinks he’s a bit of a hero because he does housework[/quote]
You say "thankfully he's not like this" but OP, you also say the following which means he is a horrible bully who is abusing you. Living in an abusive household is abusive to children. They are being exposed to abuse. They have no choice in the matter but you do. I realise it's hard but read the following back - your own words - and try to see that he absolutely DOES think he is the king of the house. And he cannot believe you have the audacity to think you are anywhere near his equal...

I said I just don’t want her to look silly and he just went off on one calling me f’ing stupid and ridiculous and to shut my f’ing mouth. He then told me I had to stay in and I wasn’t allowed to go out with him and DD because all I do is ruin every weekend.

This is disgusting. This isn't him being arsey. You are massively under reacting and I'm not sure you realise how bad a guy he is?

@youvegottenminuteslynn unequivocally he’s verbally abusive at times my point was in his culture (a culture where domestic violence is very common) this is the norm and for many ladies the tip of the iceberg. I think engrained In his mind is, well I do housework I’m better than those guys. But better than them isn’t good enough …

He’s not an all around bad guy (not making
Excuses for his behaviour as there aren’t any) although that doesn’t matter here because how he’s acting makes me feel like crap.

I do want to make our marriage work and the first step to that is anger management and some therapy for him. Im still contacting a solicitor tomorrow as I mentioned before

I'm really pleased you are still contacting a solicitor. As I said I don't think you seem to get how abusive an environment this is for a child to grow up witnessing and how unhealthy a dynamic it is to leave them with as a relationship model they think is normal.

I do want to make our marriage work and the first step to that is anger management and some therapy for him.

He can manage his anger when he's angry with men, bosses, people he's scared of I assume? Just not with women he is in a relationship with.

He doesn't have a problem with his anger. He has a problem with your anger. Your justified anger at being told to literally shut the fuck up, that you're fucking stupid and that you're not 'allowed' out as a punishment.

If this verbal tirade was a one off maybe somehow it could be excused. But it's not. If he was sorry he would have sought help and done the work before now. But he hasn't.

You're in danger of sacrificing your child's happiness and health for the sake of this man if you continue to see him as a fundamentally good man who just has a bad temper.

Fundamentally good men don't speak to people that way, especially their partner and the mother of their child. Fundamentally good men don't think they can tell a woman she isn't allowed out because they've pissed them off.

You're married to a misogynist and a bully. Committing your life to a misogynist and / or a bully is self destructive and also means your choosing to make your child live under the same roof as a relationship dynamic that is at its core abusive. Where at best one partner has had to be issued repeated ultimatums to make an effort not to tell their partner to shut the fuck up, call them stupid and tell them they can't go out. That's the kind of relationship your child is more likely to replicate, the longer you stay.

I feel sad for you and your little one. I think it would be a great idea to have some counselling yourself ASAP to work through all of this. No couples counselling as a decent counsellor will ever provide joint counselling where abuse is involved. It could help you see more clearly.

To roughly quote Lundy bankroft - he is not abusive because he is angry, he is angry because he is abusive.

Abusers use anger as a tool to intimidate you or shut down discussion. It is deliberate and not due to a loss of control but instead, an attempt TO control you.

Of course abusers can also get angry. But anger is not the reason why they are abusive. So anger management is relatively pointless.

What he lacks is empathy. And there is no one in the world that can teach empathy into someone.

@youvegottenminuteslynn,

I appreciate you’re trying to be supportive but I do take exception to being told that I don’t seem to understand how an abusive environment affects children. I do. I was raised in an abusive home, and not one where I just witnessed shouting, one where I was attacked and wished dead, so believe me. I do get it, which is why I need to speak to a solicitor. I have no idea on the legalities of anything right now and cannot just pack and leave without anywhere to go. If he doesn’t take steps with anger management by this time next week then he never really will.

I do concede your point about being angry with people who he doesn’t fear.

It makes me sad how much has changed in a relatively short period of time. I already see someone for my anxiety, I’ll look to mention this too.

I appreciate you’re trying to be supportive but I do take exception to being told that I don’t seem to understand how an abusive environment affects children. I do. I was raised in an abusive home, and not one where I just witnessed shouting, one where I was attacked and wished dead, so believe me. I do get it, which is why I need to speak to a solicitor.

Sorry, I genuinely don't want to make you feel worse when you're understandably feeling so upset about all this already

It makes more sense now I think as in comparison to being physically abused perhaps this kind of abuse feels somehow less awful and more fixable?

But you could take power from this actually being an opportunity for you to break the cycle for your little ones. You witnessed abuse as a child and are being abused yourself as an adult by a partner. Your children don't have to witness domestic abuse as children, which would reduce the risk of the cycle continuing. That would feel like an amazing accomplishment to be so proud of I think.

Sorry again I really didn't want to make you feel worse and in my keenness to empower I did the opposite - sorry

Surely since he’s so ‘anxious’ about basic care of the kid he would already have looked up and booked in to some kind of parenting/bare minimum course? Instead of fucking off to the pub. How’s it your job to find a wee course to somehow make him not endanger his kid? (It’s not. He’s worthless as a male, father and husband.)

I couldn’t even afford to raise 2 kids solo and work, especially with childcare costs

You might be better applying for Universal.credit and working the number of hours that still allows you to get at least some (even if it's small) if payment, then you will get 75% of childcare up to a capped amount ,1100 maybe, paid.

Check with citizens advice.

Citizens advice and women's aid would be best port of call for help figuring out financials etc.

In my neck of the woods WA has a one stop clinic, as it were, once a week with solicitor, benefits advisor etc.

If you can't afford it, check any solicitor you go to yourself does first half hour or whatever free.

OP this is awful.

I’ve been grumpy today and have been snarky at times with my DP for no real reason but the situation you describe is emotional abuse.

@Carbara I think you might have posted on the wrong thread. We don’t drink at all (religious reasons) so he definitely doesn’t go to the pub

@MarshmallowAra I’m not sure tbh, I’m loathed to quit my job because of a) my pension (it’s a generous employer contribution scheme) and it’s a very hard field to get Into and work is vital
For my mental health.

We’re not there yet tbh In terms of splitting but if the time comes I’ll have to explore all options

If he doesn’t take steps with anger management

After reading Lundy Bancroft, I dont believe in anger issues and anger management any more.

If it were truly anger issues, they'd be getting I to real trouble with people in eg work, anyone in authority, just think of all the opportunities there are to get angry and frustrated with people day in, day out. Yet you won't find them being aggressive and verbally abusive to their boss, or the cops, or big John down the pub who could flatten you ..... Only people who are vulnerable and physically weaker and possibly dependant on them.

It's abuse.

They pick their target/s.

"Why does he do that ... " is available free online, couldn't recommend it enough.

I’m not sure tbh, I’m loathed to quit my job because of a) my pension (it’s a generous employer contribution scheme) and it’s a very hard field to get Into and work is vital
For my mental health.

Was thinking more about reducing your hours to qualify for at least minimum UC payment, then you'll get subbed childcare.

If it's possible.

You have an warning allowance below which you ger full UC payment, above your earning allowance UC gets reduced by 63 p in pound (if still the same) until it's wiped out.

*earning allowance

(by still the same, I mean since the last time I checked).

@Sleeplessem
Your situation sounds very similar to mine when I was with my ex, down to the cultural aspects and him seeming better than the average guy from that background.

He didn't get angry with anyone but me, i was his emotional dust bin. He wouldn't have dared act that way to anyone else.

Tipping point was being called a cunt (amongst other things) in front of our 2 year old. I left and honestly never regretted it or looked back.

He tried to get "help" when he realised what was at stake, but never did anything about it before, barely even apologised after his episodes, and it was just too little too late.

I'm the bad guy to everyone for leaving but I don't give a fuck 🤷‍♀️

Good luck at the solicitors 💜

I echo what PP's have said - men who abuse pretty much solely their wives don't have an anger management issue. They have a being-an-abuser issue.

The cultural issue is a flag for me ... He's from a culture which elevated men and denigrates women. It seems like you thought he wasn't like that
, Bit his abusive ehaviour says otherwise.

As another poster said above it is quite unbelievable that he thinks he can order you to stay at home/not join he and your child for an outing if he decrees it.

It's values issue, not an anger issue.

And his values would appear to be very much of his culture, regardless of how relatively civilised he appeared.

His reactions to small things like your outfit rethink are, which you already know, are utterly disproportionate and crazy.

The verbal abuse sounds really bad. Your kids will be taking that in as they grow.