DH speaking to me like dirt

[Sleeplessem]

Hi all,

I’m just ranting or having a bit of a pity party, but lately DH has started speaking to me like dirt. I can’t pinpoint when it started but it’s just becoming more regular.

He gets just angry about the most insignificant things. I’ll use what just happened now as an example, it’s really hot weather and we were getting ready to go out to a park today. When DD (21 months was napping) I laid out some clothes for her, so after she woke up we got her changed to go. After she got changed, I wasn’t sure I liked the outfit and said ‘oh you don’t think she looks like a little sailor boy do you’ and he said yes but it’s the clothes you f’ing well chose and I’m not f’ing changing her now and then he started raving and ranting about that and I said I just don’t want her to look silly and he just went off on one calling me f’ing stupid and ridiculous and to shut my f’ing mouth. He then told me I had to stay in and I wasn’t allowed to go out with him and DD because all I do is ruin every weekend. I had to go to the bathroom and have a little sob.

I understand I might be a bit annoying but I don’t think I deserve to be shouted at like this especially over something so small. The above is just an example, this sort of stuff is happening more and more often. I tried to speak to him about it in the car after he said I was allowed to come and said even if what I was saying silly, his reaction was extreme and unwarranted. He was having none of it.

I’m also 16 weeks pregnant with dc2. I had quite an abusive childhood so being spoken to like this makes me so sad. Am I being over sensitive?

Sleeplessem

re your comment:-

"But I reached out and got help for me, even though in that time I was quite a shouty person (not name calling but looking back I’d overreact) so I do wonder if I made him like this".

No you did not make him like this. This is all on him.

And if he did feel resentful because a lot of care fell to him because you were unwell, that is his problem too. You were unwell at the time!.

@Sleeplessem

I’m in split minds about leaving, of course I love him etc, but taking that out of the equation sometimes I think it would be better to just split but realistically I can’t afford our house alone, I have no family that would help with two kids and honestly I couldn’t afford to private rent alone, especially when my pay drops to SMP. I couldn’t even afford to raise 2 kids solo and work, especially with childcare costs. I do still believe there is scope to work on things (and not just for financial reasons) but I also acknowledge that things right now are broken and if it carries on divorce is inevitable.

@Totallyrandomname after the outbursts, aside from me feeling like crap, 95% of the time he apologises and we try and talk through why he reacted like that.

Oh well then, as long as he apologises it's okay then, so no wonder he continues to do it, as he has been and is getting away with it. I agree with other posters, speak to someone first like Women’s Aid.

Never go to marriage counciling with an abuser. They will twist things and leave you feeling handed up on.

Individual counciling couldn't hurt but tbh I'd save that money for getting away instead. Look into the child benefits and universal credit ect you would receive if you were to leave, you might be pleasantly surprised. You'll also likely get half the assets in a divorce.

*feeling ganged up on

Honestly sleeplessem I would seek legal advice on the quiet from a Solicitor because knowledge here too is power.

Consider also what you want to teach your DD and your as yet unborn second child about relationships here because this is really not a relationship model they should be seeing. Would you want either of them to be on the receiving end of such treatment in their own relationships, no you would not. And its not good enough for you either.

Joint counselling is never recommended where there is abuse of any type within the relationship. Do not ever undertake any form of joint counselling with him. Couples counseling sends the message to both the batterer (batterer can be physical, emotional, and/or psychological in nature) and his partner that the problem is mutual and that somehow the partner is responsible (at least in part) for the abuser's behaviour.

I would think he can and does control himself well around other people so it is unlikely he has an anger management problem. Also AM courses frankly are no answer to domestic abuse which is what is being described here.

He is behaving like an arsehole!

Now, if he does not want to hear about outfits or whatever other thing that annoys him, he does not get to ban you from anything! Make that clear to him. You are a free person. And if you want to go to the park with your DD, you will, with or without him. But he does not get to tell you that you are not going. Make that point very clear OP. But really really clear. Never let him tell you that you cannot do whatever. If he turns into a manchild, he can sulk his tantrum at home or aline outside of yhe house. And you carry on with your merry life. Go to the park and make sure you have a great time, even if you are dying in the inside.
Show him that you respect yourself, stand your ground, and he will have to respect you.
He may be stressed due to covid/ work... and so on. But he has to find a way to deal with it like an adult. Not throwing a tantrum.
Or he could be cheating, and showing you utter contempt. It is not uncommon. Though cheating has become quite difficult during covid.
If he wants a wife and children, he is going to have to show that he appreciates them!

Mush is right. We are all independent people, in charge of our own bodies, lives and decisions. That's true, even if you're married. Who does he think he is, telling you you're not allowed to go to the park? [hmm. It's funny how men who are cheating get angry. Something to think about...

It's usually some kind of resentment from somewhere, that makes people flare up and get angry and nasty, something that they can't let go of. and won't tackle things, and usually other people will get blamed for everything that goes on. So usually this behaviour will carry on, if they are not bright enough to see things properly,and how that anger can destroy a family eventually..

A few people asked if he’s stressed or under any pressures and honestly the answer is no, he’s got a well paid, stable job, all wfh (we both do actually and are incredibly lucky) no real financial issues (he did a while back but we sorted it and he got a loan with very low monthly repayments and very low interest, perk of our industry)

He does get angry with his mum but it’s no where near the same extent and whilst it’s not understandable I can see why there’s resentment there (she’s very selfish and only cares about what he can do for her, it’s a cultural thing)

I am going to see a solicitor for advice, especially because I put the deposit down for the house so would seem unfair if things went 50/50.

We’re not at the stage for couple therapy for exactly the reasons mentioned here.
I’ve told him today that I want him to go to anger management and he’s agreed- we’ll see if this takes. If not then it’s clear this will continue. I’ll continue with my only personal therapy too!

Thank you all for letting me not live In my own head and not letting me doubt and blame myself!

Someone mentioned about cheating too, nah that’s definitely not going on here.

@1forAll74
I do think he resents me for something, maybe being a shouty anxious person before, this pregnancy, or having pnd with dd, honestly I don’t know and he needs to get to the bottom of it

[quote Sleeplessem]@AttilaTheMeerkat I wouldn’t say it’s codependency, I mean I earn a decent wage for someone my age but I do rely on him and he does earn more than me. Reason I’d say it’s love, is i can say confidently that it’s being eroded.

But I agree with you, an apology isn’t sincere if the pattern of behaviour repeats itself.[/quote]
Codependency doesnt mean you are financially dependent on him. Id say it means that you internalise all yr doubts and insecurities while he externalises them. Ie, he blames. You give. He takes. You're default is to give more than you take and his is to take more than he gives. And by "give" i mean compromising, meeting his needs first, putting up and shutting up. The taking he's more comfortable with means he doesnt meet op half way, doesnt meet her needs but shouts at her if his arent met. That's a picture of codependency that has nothing to do with money.

He agreeing to AM is one thing, him actually attending is quite another. He is likely paying lip service to you to shut you down.

I doubt very much anything will come of AM even if he did bother to attend such a course. It is really no answer to domestic abuse. I would certainly suggest you see a Solicitor in due course again because knowledge is power.

Re your comment:-
"He does get angry with his mum but it’s no where near the same extent and whilst it’s not understandable I can see why there’s resentment there (she’s very selfish and only cares about what he can do for her, it’s a cultural thing)"

That's not a cultural thing and she sounds bloody awful as well. Abusive men hate women, all of them and starting with their own mother. We learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents, what was he taught by them?. A shedload of damaging lessons.

The warning bells are ringing that he 'allows' you... I mean SERIOUSLY...... ALLOWS you???

You need to nip this in the bud... regardless of what you do going forward...

OP,

You had an abusive childhood and now your daughter does.

Do not think for one moment she isn't aware of his anger at you.

She may not understand the words but she is being affected by his anger.

You are absolutely in an abusive relationship and you should talk to women's aid as well as a solicitor.

You said that he's like this with his mother too, what about at work? Has he ever targeted another man with this behaviour? If the answer to both of those is no then he doesn't have an anger management problem, he's got a problem with women. Don't let any perceived issues with his mother's character cloud your vision - this is about his behaviour, not hers. It also doesn't matter that he didn't display this behaviour at the beginning of your relationship; after all, how many women would get involved with a man if they were up front about their misogynist ways?

How would you feel if your daughter grew up to be spoken to in this way by her husband? Really, really think about that point because if you stay and he continues as he is you are setting her up for that because she'll learn that verbal abuse is fine in relationships.

You are under reacting, not over reacting. He is quite clearly abusing you.

You had an abusive childhood, and now your daughter is living through one. You can't allow this to continue. Look at the damage it did to you, you want that for her?

You had an abusive childhood, and now your daughter is living through one. You can't allow this to continue. Look at the damage it did to you, you want that for her?

This.

He is just flat out an abuser

No need to think or maybe he is user about this or that

He is an ABUSER

My ex was the same

Leave or get him out ASAP

You say you had an abusive childhood.
Your dd is now having the same experience.

@StayCalm99 even in that sense I wouldn’t say we have a co dependent relationship.

@AttilaTheMeerkat when I said it’s a cultural thing I was referring to how his mum expects him to provide for her, she expected the same of me too, to live with her and stop working and just cook etc. That’s what I meant by cultural. I’d say in his culture abusive males are somewhat normalised however. His father until very recently was exactly like this, blew up at little things and the family are very forgiving of this sort of behaviour. I don’t engage with his father due to an outburst.

@Ansjovis, you know what. You’re spot on and I hadn’t seen it. He’s had some real twats of mates that have taken the piss and been really abusive to him actually and that didn’t trigger him. His father too, nope no anger at him. It’s either a ‘you hurt the ones you love’ sort of situation or ‘lashing out on someone weaker’ both are shit.

I’ve decided on Monday I’m going to contact a solicitor, I’m hoping they might also be to tell me if I’m eligible for any sort of extra financial support as well as sort the house issue. I know he wouldn’t leave and I can’t leave with my daughter last min with no where else to go, so hoping for some legal clarity here.

I have told him this, so in this time I want him to sort out anger management and he has one week. If he doesn’t act then I’m filing for a separation/ whatever the solicitor advises.

I’m also going to document outbursts, precise words and times just In case it comes to a custody issue.

I really hope it doesn’t and he takes this seriously and takes steps to heal himself (also crappy childhood, not to the levels of mine but still) and stop his toxic behaviour. Life doesn’t have to be like this

Good on you for deciding to contact a Solicitor. Its also a good idea to document everything.

It sounds like abuse has been both normalised and excused in his family of origin.

Abusive men more often than not refuse to leave the marital home as a matter of course; I would also be asking the Solicitor about the possibility of obtaining non molestation and occupation orders.

Op, his father's behaviour is enabled and he has learned to vent anger rather than deal with his issues.

Two books to read "why do he do that" and "The verbally abusive relationship" by Patricia Evans. These will help you understand that's it's not about anger but his entitled thinking and lack of accountability.

It is common for men to act like this,once they are comfortable in a relationship, usually when there is some commitment on behalf of their partner, it could have been buying a house or being pregnant that triggered the devaluing.

Generally men like this don't improve as the behaviour is ingrained.