DH speaking to me like dirt

[Sleeplessem]

Hi all,

I’m just ranting or having a bit of a pity party, but lately DH has started speaking to me like dirt. I can’t pinpoint when it started but it’s just becoming more regular.

He gets just angry about the most insignificant things. I’ll use what just happened now as an example, it’s really hot weather and we were getting ready to go out to a park today. When DD (21 months was napping) I laid out some clothes for her, so after she woke up we got her changed to go. After she got changed, I wasn’t sure I liked the outfit and said ‘oh you don’t think she looks like a little sailor boy do you’ and he said yes but it’s the clothes you f’ing well chose and I’m not f’ing changing her now and then he started raving and ranting about that and I said I just don’t want her to look silly and he just went off on one calling me f’ing stupid and ridiculous and to shut my f’ing mouth. He then told me I had to stay in and I wasn’t allowed to go out with him and DD because all I do is ruin every weekend. I had to go to the bathroom and have a little sob.

I understand I might be a bit annoying but I don’t think I deserve to be shouted at like this especially over something so small. The above is just an example, this sort of stuff is happening more and more often. I tried to speak to him about it in the car after he said I was allowed to come and said even if what I was saying silly, his reaction was extreme and unwarranted. He was having none of it.

I’m also 16 weeks pregnant with dc2. I had quite an abusive childhood so being spoken to like this makes me so sad. Am I being over sensitive?

He has absolutely no right to treat you that way.

The problem is he thinks he does, and I doubt that ingrained value is going to change.

@Hsurbbrb

You’re being abused and your baby is witnessing it. Would you consider leaving him?

You should definitely leave him.

I’m not sure this is an LTB immediately situation.

He’s clearly learned some damaging lessons from his parents and maybe culture, but I believe people can change if they really want to, and we can all overcome the legacy of a shit childhood if we work on ourselves and have the motivation and opportunity. I would be a pretty lame therapist if I didn’t believe that.

However, what he does next is really key. If he follows up on getting therapy and takes ownership of arranging this himself rather than expecting you to do it that is a good start. If he doesn’t and just brushes it under the carpet then that’s less positive.

@MarshmallowAra I do get where you’re coming from with the anger issue. But I do think there are things that can be done for anger, Personally, my anxiety and what I’ve learned was childhood trauma made me a very angry person and I used to lash out too, never names and demeaning someone but I was easily irritated and made a big deal out of small things. It took a some work to realise it was anxiety for me basically made me a big ball of nerves and I’ve done a lot of work in this space for myself and Whilst I still get annoyed and I’m a worrier I’m nowhere near as ‘on edge’ as I used to be. Which is why I do think work can be done.

Re my Job, I really doubt the company I work for would let me reduce my hours by more than 50% as it’s a FTE contract and the projects and the team I manage are FTE. They’d have to hire someone else part time to plug the gap and it would make more sense to just replace me.

@JudyGemstone thanks for your insight! I take it you work in this field? Obviously this is a snapshot from a moment in time and you can’t provide therapeutic advice but is there a type of therapy you’d recommend in this circumstance?

Reason I ask is i tried psychotherapy and there was a heavy emphasis on pre natal consciousness (from the moment of conception) and other much more visual things that I couldn’t wrap my head around . I’ve also found cbt and other forms of therapy (tree of life) not really adept to deal with childhood trauma

[quote Sleeplessem]@MarshmallowAra I do get where you’re coming from with the anger issue. But I do think there are things that can be done for anger, Personally, my anxiety and what I’ve learned was childhood trauma made me a very angry person and I used to lash out too, never names and demeaning someone but I was easily irritated and made a big deal out of small things. It took a some work to realise it was anxiety for me basically made me a big ball of nerves and I’ve done a lot of work in this space for myself and Whilst I still get annoyed and I’m a worrier I’m nowhere near as ‘on edge’ as I used to be. Which is why I do think work can be done.

Re my Job, I really doubt the company I work for would let me reduce my hours by more than 50% as it’s a FTE contract and the projects and the team I manage are FTE. They’d have to hire someone else part time to plug the gap and it would make more sense to just replace me.[/quote]
I have to wonder whether his abuse is anger though - or values/entitlement.

You were self award and thought you were wrong, didn't want to be like that and didn't feel entitled to be like that and above all wanted to stop.

It's a big leap to project that into him. His may not be anxiety and anger. He may not feel any of the things you felt about his own behaviour. There's a danger in projecting your situation into him.

He may play on it but not stop/change (because he feels entitled to act that way.

That's a pity re your job - because UC subsidisation of working mums who qualify for any UC payment is excellent at 75%, but what can you do. As your kids get older school, breakfast clubs and after schools clubs (and summer clubs) should cover you reasonably.

@MarshmallowAra I’m not sure, there are a few things that I’ve noticed act as triggers that are clearly routed in anxiety, for instance when our daughter is unwell and he’s not sure what to do (again doesn’t excuse lashing out at me as it’s a situation that I’m clearly not responsible for). He doesn’t blame me for her getting unwell it’s more hes just super touchy, irritable and on edge.

I can’t make the point enough about how culturally hes seen as ‘too progressive’ (that’s an issue and a whole post in itself) but some of it (as you say) must boil down to subconscious deeply engrained norms. Again I do think with work these can be unpacked.

With regards to me, I’m ashamed to admit it took quite a while to realise how I acted wasn’t normal. For me at least, because of how I grew up (shouting, screaming and unfortunately physical and emotional abuse and neglect) and it’s all I’ve ever known so being shouty and on edge was very much the norm for me, it took a while to realise that’s not normal. It look me over 10 years of being moved out of my family home to realise what happened was abuse.

Job wise, I don’t think big businesses care, we’re just a number at the end of the day . I could take compassionate leave maybe, I’d need to check policy but I think it would be capped at 4 weeks and 2 would be unpaid.

(that's usually cheaper than childcare, I mean)

he said yes but it’s the clothes you f’ing well chose and I’m not f’ing changing her now and then he started raving and ranting about that and I said I just don’t want her to look silly and he just went off on one calling me f’ing stupid and ridiculous and to shut my f’ing mouth. He then told me I had to stay in and I wasn’t allowed to go out with him and DD because all I do is ruin every weekend.

You're continuing to minimise this behaviour. This isn't a man who has an issue with his anger, he has an issue with your anger and the audacity of you communicating your feelings.

• Shouted, Ranted and Raved
• Called you fucking stupid
• Told you to shut your fucking mouth
• Told you you weren't "allowed" out as punishment
• And all while you're pregnant
• With another child in the house

The fact the reason he's a misogynist bully and abuser may be down to his cultural background doesn't change the fact he's a misogynist bully and abuser.

I feel so sad for children being brought up with a man like this as their model for how men should treat women in a relationship.

By staying you are unfortunately enabling and endorsing that behaviour and modelling that relationship dynamic. And so the cycle of misogyny and abuse continues...

Read back the list I put earlier in this post of the things he did on this occasion alone. And reconsider whether it's fair on your children to keep trying to get a man like this to be reasonable and kind when he is painfully obviously neither of those things.

It may be that when your daughter ill is when he acts out because your attention is focused on something other than him. Narcissistic sorts can't stand it when they are not your main concern. So if you're focussed on someone or something else, they often have to do something to punish you.

He then told me I had to stay in and I wasn’t allowed to go out with him and DD because all I do is ruin every weekend

It's true that ordering anyone let alone s child's mother from on high to stay at home/telling them they're not allowed to go out with your child and him, with s generalisation about "ruining every weekend" seems more than anger with a source of anxiety .... There's an unbelievable level of entitlement and superiority behind that.
That he believes you're a subordinate to order around and chastise and punish.

If you ruin a weekend by expressing second thoughts about an outfit,the mind boggles.

In what other ways gave you "ruined weekends"?

Does he follow through on ordering you to stay at home/be excluded while he takes your child out, (or is that too much work for him?). Do you gratefully submissively go along if he doesn't follow through on excluding you from the outing with your child?

I think it's the Lundy Bancroft book that describes the household of an abuser (with his values for my fixed with him as the head of state, the boss etc) as a mini autocracy, never a democracy.

The attitude behind the behaviour above reminds me of that

If you hadn't been head-shrunk by him to date; statements like the above by him would be met with you telling him to catch a grip on reality, that you'll go wherever and whenever you want with your child, and if he's going to blow everything out of proportion to a ridiculous level, he can stay at home like the child he's acting like.

I have a feeling that's not what he happens on your household though. The fact he'd even think he could say that or behave that way ....

@MarshmallowAra believe it or not from my OP I’m quite a feisty person in real life so when he came out with that crap, I did tell him how ridiculous he was and that he’s not taking dd anywhere when he’s in a mood, so please don’t worry about that he gets challenged.

But bottom line is he needs to do work on himself. Serious work.

@youvegottenminuteslynn, again not minimising. Appreciate you’re passionate about trying to empower me but I respectfully say your comments aren’t very helpful.

I was in what I know realise was an abusive relationship for over a year.

I am very feisty, notorious for it ... And I always argued, challenged etc etc but I've realised since then that it doesn't actually matter that I did; I was still being abused.

I shouldn't have to have argued/challenged/fought back. His behaviour was unreasonable. And the unreasonableness, and the flare ups were stressful and tense ... Even the anticipation of them was stressful and tense. It affects you more than you think. It's also still abuse.

Aside from you being abused, which you are .. your little child and soon to be second child shouldn't be listening to the sort of shit he's coming out with - the words and the tone.

I hope he changes his behaviour but I'll be honest - I think it's probably rooted in something more than anxiety etc and doubt he will. Please read the Lundy Bancroft book and please research an exit from the relationship so you're not on the back foot if and when you end it.

Oh and remember you're a family with your kids, on your own - you're still a family.

You could coparent and you could, if you wanted, meet someone who doesn't behave like this to you. Noone should have to be called stupid and cursed at and accused or ruining every weekend and called names over simple, harmless indecision.

Abusive men often like "strong" and "feisty" women; they see that as an additional challenge to bring down the woman whom they regards as a possession to their base level.

I do not believe in the virtues of AM courses either; to my mind they further teach men how to abuse their chosen target. They are certainly no answer to domestic abuse.

He does this because he can and he feels entitled to do so as well. He won't change; this is who he is.

No you're right and you don't deserve to be treated like that. You're not being sensitive. Don't ask him his opinion anymore.

What's really going on with him? Is he tired/exhausted? Sleep deprived? Humans don't just snap at others like that.

I think you've hit the nail on the dot. Re reading your post I do think he sounds resentful about something. Maybe give him some of his own time? Let him sleep? Having young children is very hard. Having young children and being pregnant is very very hard.

You've started the thread saying I'm just having a rant and then somewhere down the line have now booked to see a solicitor. Too many people are being told to give up on relationships for things that can be worked on. If his behaviour seems abnormal then give him a chance. Have some empathy for him. It's obviously not very nice being spoke to like dirt but I'm sure something must be going on.

FYI, nearly all the threads I've seen on here speaking about relationship issues have been that's abuse, he's a narc...get rid of him. You know your husband better than we do. I'm sure you understand what I mean.

I'd send him to therapy too. Ask him can he not communicate without swearing and being foul mouthed. I'd give him a taste of his own medicine without the swearing.

@faithfulbird20

FYI, nearly all the threads I've seen on here speaking about relationship issues have been that's abuse, he's a narc...get rid of him. You know your husband better than we do. I'm sure you understand what I mean.

he said yes but it’s the clothes you f’ing well chose and I’m not f’ing changing her now and then he started raving and ranting about that and I said I just don’t want her to look silly and he just went off on one calling me f’ing stupid and ridiculous and to shut my f’ing mouth. He then told me I had to stay in and I wasn’t allowed to go out with him and DD because all I do is ruin every weekend.

This is abuse. It's concerning to suggest otherwise in case other vulnerable women read this and think they are over reacting to believe this is abuse. It is.

@faithfulbird20

No you're right and you don't deserve to be treated like that. You're not being sensitive. Don't ask him his opinion anymore.

What's really going on with him? Is he tired/exhausted? Sleep deprived? Humans don't just snap at others like that.

Of course they do!! All the time.

Faithfulbird20 needs to sit in with some domestic abuse survivors.

Lots of people are sleep deprived, stressed, anxious, feel.pressured with babies and small.kids ...
One would presume that not all of them rant and rave at their partner,calling her fucking stupid etc if she displays a bit of indecision.

Extremely irresponsible post.

What's really going on with him? Is he tired/exhausted? Sleep deprived? Humans don't just snap at others like that.

What?! Humans who are also bullies / abusers / arseholes / misogynists do. Frequently.