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Original poster

DH and arguing

91 replies

fightorflight10 · 13/06/2021 06:42

For many years my DH said awful things to me, really verbally beat me up.

I got counselling for this and decided to stay in the marriage.

One of the coping mechanisms is when an argument starts I walk away, I then don't have to listen to the nasty things.

For him it's "just a few harsh words in an argument", for me it's a lifelong feeling of awfulness about myself. Honestly the things he's said have stayed with me my entire life.

He now is unhappy I walk away, he has had counselling (at my insistence, or I left) and is also told to walk away, but he doesn't.

I have to get away when it starts, if I stay I risk hearing things I don't want to hear, but now he's angry with me for doing that.

For example an argument started last night, he then said sorry, followed by that's more that you'd ever say (I do and have), which to me meant he wasn't sorry. I decided to then retreat to my room as I knew where this could lead. He then says I engineered the argument because I'd wanted to go to bed?!? No, I need to get away because if I don't I could end up hurt.

I've explained why I take flight, but he doesn't understand.

What's my next move to make him understand?

OP posts:
thenewduchessofhastings · 13/06/2021 06:45

"What's my next move to make him understand?"

LTB.

MrsTerryPratchett · 13/06/2021 06:47

He now is unhappy I walk away, he has had counselling (at my insistence, or I left) and is also told to walk away, but he doesn't.

He wants you to stay and listen to how terrible you are. Because you deserve it. That's what he wants and believes.

Or, a more well adjusted person might think, you could walk away permanently.

Melitza · 13/06/2021 06:49

What @thenewduchessofhastings said.

Life's too short.

Tulipsandviolets · 13/06/2021 06:51

Aw Sounds awful what kind of things does he say op is it name calling derogatory stuff or swearing at you x

BigMamaFratelli · 13/06/2021 06:54

Agree, you need to LTB

My ex used to do this. He knew how much it hurt me but carried on anyway. Said some vile, untrue things that really cut me. One day I told him that although I forgave him, each time he did it it made me love him a little bit less. When I left he said " you did warn me. I killed it, didn't I ?" Yep.

He won't change op. SorryFlowers

Original poster
fightorflight10 · 13/06/2021 06:55

@Tulipsandviolets some very personal stuff about sexual abuse I suffered, things like calling me fat, dirty, no one loves me.

To be honest, I am fat and I comfort eat a lot.

He does not seem to be able to "talk", he shouts at me everything he doesn't like about me, always in an argument.

I've said I'll leave several times, he is then sorry.

I'm putting into place structures to save the marriage, he is not.

OP posts:
Original poster
fightorflight10 · 13/06/2021 06:58

@BigMamaFratelli well done. I've also said this, I've also said remember what's been heard can never be unheard. He's said stuff that's untrue and really nasty and I've said "that must come from somewhere", somewhere inside you, you think that about me,

He denies it and just says I said it to win the argument and shut it down.

Which of course it does do as I'm flirted by what he says and just want it to stop.

OP posts:
Peach01 · 13/06/2021 06:59

It's ridiculous that he's annoyed by you not standing there to listen to him verbally injure you. Who would want to?
He needs to be able to express his emotions in a way that doesn't involve insults or you're not going to engage. There needs to be no compromise on that. It doesn't work for you or your relationship. He should stop a behavior that's perpetuating an argument or you'll be going round in circles.

Tulipsandviolets · 13/06/2021 07:00

Oh no that's not acceptable it's cruel and unkind I wouldn't want to stay with him. He will ruin your self esteem bless you xx

Original poster
fightorflight10 · 13/06/2021 07:02

I've told him, he is dangerous in an argument!

He is, I say he verbally abused me and that is as painful as physical abuse.

I sometime think a bruise would heal better than my mind. My mind works overtime with the things he's said and I can't get it too stop.

OP posts:
Anordinarymum · 13/06/2021 07:02

OP Does he speak to anyone else in this way ?

Original poster
fightorflight10 · 13/06/2021 07:03

@Anordinarymum absolutely no one else, not one person on the family or friends would ever believe this has/is happening.

OP posts:
BigMamaFratelli · 13/06/2021 07:06

I understand why you comfort eat - I used to drink too much as a way of coping.

To be honest, I'm still not sure whether my ex believed all the things he said about me. Some definitely, though. And it feels like a betrayal that the person who is supposed to love you the most thinks you're so awful.

bestguesstimate · 13/06/2021 07:09

Why are you with this man? He sounds vile. Reading your posts made my blood boil. You don’t speak like that to someone you love or care about. He wants to remind you he believes he’s superior to you and grind you down into the ground with his words. Don’t stand for it. No one, repeat absolutely no one, fat or not, deserves that. Please leave this abusive entitled arsehole Flowers

Original poster
fightorflight10 · 13/06/2021 07:09

@BigMamaFratelli 100% that!

I just feel he must think these things or they wouldn't come into his head? It would be like me randomly saying "I think you're having an affair", if it wasn't something in my mind I wouldn't say it out loud. He is insistent that this isn't the case, but logic tells me it is.

OP posts:
BigMamaFratelli · 13/06/2021 07:11

Anordinarymumabsolutely no one else, not one person on the family or friends would ever believe this has/is happening

This was my ex too. And I was embarrassed so only ever told a few people what he was really like. He's so lovely and smiley to everyone else! Just used to save his bile for me.

SpindleWhorl · 13/06/2021 07:11

You're right that it does come from inside him, but you're mistaken thinking it's about you - it's not, it's about how he is himself and you can't change it.

You.can't.change.it.

What is uniquely about you is the hurt you feel as a result of his dysfunctional, unchanging behaviour.

The structures you need to be putting in place for this marriage are the practical and legal steps of safely leaving (or getting him to leave) and divorcing. And building your boundaries and self-esteem.

Good luck.

Anordinarymum · 13/06/2021 07:12

[quote fightorflight10]@Anordinarymum absolutely no one else, not one person on the family or friends would ever believe this has/is happening.

[/quote]
So this tells me he is abusing you. He would not dare speak to anyone else because he wouldn't get away with it. It is abuse. It's a form of DV

Stormyequine · 13/06/2021 07:12

There is no point doing anything to make him understand. He understands fine. He just wants you to stick around and continue to be his verbal punch bag when he feels like it. All you can change is what you do. The only way to make it stop is to leave.

Original poster
fightorflight10 · 13/06/2021 07:13

@BigMamaFratelli I've told no one (other than here right now), isn't it strange how they are!

OP posts:
Original poster
fightorflight10 · 13/06/2021 07:17

@Stormyequine he said his counsellor told him he was using me as a verbal punch bag. I agree.

His argument is that I keep walking away and that he would t do it again. But I can't risk staying during an argument, when I have, he's said some low level stuff.

I cannot risk hearing another really nasty comment, it would push me over the edge.

I have to keep myself safe, so I remove myself.

OP posts:
Original poster
fightorflight10 · 13/06/2021 07:17

Obviously I told my counsellor, but i mean family and friends.

OP posts:
Anordinarymum · 13/06/2021 07:19

Or perhaps record it on your phone the next time he does it.

Original poster
fightorflight10 · 13/06/2021 07:20

@Anordinarymum I get what you're saying but honestly with the things he's said they run through my head so much, they make me feel so bad. I think if I recorded it I would end up replaying it and the thought of hearing the nastiness again actually makes me feel physically sick.

I get your idea though,

OP posts:
namechange30455 · 13/06/2021 07:24

You need to leave. He is abusive.

Why haven't you left yet?