DH and arguing

[fightorflight10]

For many years my DH said awful things to me, really verbally beat me up.

I got counselling for this and decided to stay in the marriage.

One of the coping mechanisms is when an argument starts I walk away, I then don't have to listen to the nasty things.

For him it's "just a few harsh words in an argument", for me it's a lifelong feeling of awfulness about myself. Honestly the things he's said have stayed with me my entire life.

He now is unhappy I walk away, he has had counselling (at my insistence, or I left) and is also told to walk away, but he doesn't.

I have to get away when it starts, if I stay I risk hearing things I don't want to hear, but now he's angry with me for doing that.

For example an argument started last night, he then said sorry, followed by that's more that you'd ever say (I do and have), which to me meant he wasn't sorry. I decided to then retreat to my room as I knew where this could lead. He then says I engineered the argument because I'd wanted to go to bed?!? No, I need to get away because if I don't I could end up hurt.

I've explained why I take flight, but he doesn't understand.

What's my next move to make him understand?

I think he knows what he is saying to you and is getting a kick out of putting you down .Do you have any DC? He is a terrible example of being a Dad! Also if you want to leave ,why does it matter what friends /family think .This is a classic sign of an Abuser, lovely to everyone else outside and vile to DW/DC .Maybe speak to WA they will count this as abuse ,which it is!

Faevern Im really sorry to hear about your poor friend .This is the problem isnt it ,after so long it becomes v difficult to leave ,but staying is worse.

I hate arguing with DP, he's really good at it and knows how to be cruel. I wish I could just walk away but feel this great need to defend myself, and he just gets worse. I just can't bring myself to say awful things back.
Thankfully it's rare. But I don't blame you for walking away, who wants to hear nastiness. It does stay with you.

Huge hugs

Would he expect you to carry on standing there if he had just pushed or poked you or walk away so he didn't get the chance to slap or punch you? It's a clear analogy isn't it?

I hope you can work on your self esteem enough to leave because you will be happier living without those toxic words ringing in your ideas.

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Op why are you so desperately trying to save this toxic relationship. You had to put structure in place to get him to stop abusing you - can't you see how messed up this is. You are trying to get him to respect you and not treat you like a punching bag. That is not something you have to force out of a partner. Sorry you are going through this, but you need to leave.

@fightorflight10

For many years my DH said awful things to me, really verbally beat me up.

I got counselling for this and decided to stay in the marriage.

One of the coping mechanisms is when an argument starts I walk away, I then don't have to listen to the nasty things.

For him it's "just a few harsh words in an argument", for me it's a lifelong feeling of awfulness about myself. Honestly the things he's said have stayed with me my entire life.

He now is unhappy I walk away, he has had counselling (at my insistence, or I left) and is also told to walk away, but he doesn't.

I have to get away when it starts, if I stay I risk hearing things I don't want to hear, but now he's angry with me for doing that.

For example an argument started last night, he then said sorry, followed by that's more that you'd ever say (I do and have), which to me meant he wasn't sorry. I decided to then retreat to my room as I knew where this could lead. He then says I engineered the argument because I'd wanted to go to bed?!? No, I need to get away because if I don't I could end up hurt.

I've explained why I take flight, but he doesn't understand.

What's my next move to make him understand?

Leave. he hasn't taken advice from the counsellor or listened to you. He has no intention of changing or respecting you.

@fightorflight10

For many years my DH said awful things to me, really verbally beat me up.

I got counselling for this and decided to stay in the marriage.

One of the coping mechanisms is when an argument starts I walk away, I then don't have to listen to the nasty things.

For him it's "just a few harsh words in an argument", for me it's a lifelong feeling of awfulness about myself. Honestly the things he's said have stayed with me my entire life.

He now is unhappy I walk away, he has had counselling (at my insistence, or I left) and is also told to walk away, but he doesn't.

I have to get away when it starts, if I stay I risk hearing things I don't want to hear, but now he's angry with me for doing that.

For example an argument started last night, he then said sorry, followed by that's more that you'd ever say (I do and have), which to me meant he wasn't sorry. I decided to then retreat to my room as I knew where this could lead. He then says I engineered the argument because I'd wanted to go to bed?!? No, I need to get away because if I don't I could end up hurt.

I've explained why I take flight, but he doesn't understand.

What's my next move to make him understand?

OP when you need counselling in order to get over your husband's verbal abuse plus he's still doing it and doesn't give a shit about you or your feelings - you walk away.

He is abusing you and severely damaging you.

What's my next move to make him understand?

He understands, he just doesn't care.

That sometimes it's ok is part of the abuse. It's not separate from it. It's used to keep you hanging on.

Next time he insists you stay for an argument, record it on your phone - with his knowledge. Then you'll see whether he can really control the awful things he says (I bet he can- he just enjoys it). If he can't then you have your evidence for others, too

@CookPassBabtridge I used to stay and argue, it didn't serve me well. It just made him escalate and say more stuff.

I've learnt to change my behaviour to safeguard myself.

But he wants me to stop walking away,

I really do hear what everyone is saying, I need to take back control and realise I will survive outside this relationship.

I had finished my counselling, but I think i need to restart it and look at moving on.

He doesn't like you walking away because he believes he is entitled to berate and punish and hurt you without punity

Speak to woman's aid too and look at doing the freedom programme.

The person who is supposed to love and cherish you above all others has said things to you so horrible they will stay with your for the rest of your life (your words). Please think about that. This is so far from normal.

I agree with the poster suggesting the Freedom Programme OP.
www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/

I would make that your next step and then perhaps more counselling if you feel you need that in order to get the strength to leave. Also try reading Why Does He Do That by Bancroft and The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Evans.

Thank you @username0489 downloaded on to my kindle now. And I got it on unlimited.

I'm going to make it this weeks mission to read it,

I do hear what everyone is saying, I know only I can change this.

I'm going to access all the help I can get.

I've arranged a meal with my sister next week, she'll be shocked and upset but I need to speak to someone close and gain some help.

I think once I've explained it to the me person, it will get easier.

I think we should sit down with our boys together to explain.

In the mean time, I do have bedroom I've moved into and at least that's my own space.

Thank you everyone..

Maybe this time next year, I'll be back to say I'm sitting in my own home and I'm at peace.

To the first person ..... not to the me person

You can leave him because it pleases you to do so. You don’t need to be believed, or have your decisions approved of. You’re a grown ass woman and can do what the fuck you like.

This should be drummed into every person from birth. Two people consent to start relationships but only one to end it. AMD the reason can be, 'I don't like your face' and that is absolutely fine.

And OP you may be surprised about friends and family. Most people know a house devil/street angel. I know a few.

Good, no wonder you comfort-eat being married to such a tosser. He's horrible to you.

I'd stop thinking about how to mend things with him and start thinking about how to leave him.

God, not good!

Don’t stay with him. He doesn’t love or respect you. You deserve so much more. Leave him.

Glad to hear you’ve made plans with your sister. Please be brutally honest - you have nothing to be embarrassed about. Bringing something like this into the light gives it less power over your life.

@NameChangeNamaste I'm dreading being honest and I'm not sure why?

I haven't RTFT but you need to start recording him. Otherwise when you leave he will paint you as the villain, and no-one will believe how awfully he has been treating you. Obviously don't let him know he's being recorded.

Please record him.
It will make it easier for you to explain what you have been living with.

He sounds like utter scum.

Have your sons been reared listening to this?

If so, God help them.

[quote fightorflight10]@Tulipsandviolets some very personal stuff about sexual abuse I suffered, things like calling me fat, dirty, no one loves me.

To be honest, I am fat and I comfort eat a lot.

He does not seem to be able to "talk", he shouts at me everything he doesn't like about me, always in an argument.

I've said I'll leave several times, he is then sorry.

I'm putting into place structures to save the marriage, he is not.

[/quote]

He's vile. Please leave him and be happy.

@fightorflight10 The Freedom Programme is also run in groups. You can find your local co-ordinator's details on the site. They've been running a lot of groups via Zoom. I'd recommend it, if you can do it at the times when they're running it.

Meeting other women who've been there and understand is great.