DH and arguing

[fightorflight10]

For many years my DH said awful things to me, really verbally beat me up.

I got counselling for this and decided to stay in the marriage.

One of the coping mechanisms is when an argument starts I walk away, I then don't have to listen to the nasty things.

For him it's "just a few harsh words in an argument", for me it's a lifelong feeling of awfulness about myself. Honestly the things he's said have stayed with me my entire life.

He now is unhappy I walk away, he has had counselling (at my insistence, or I left) and is also told to walk away, but he doesn't.

I have to get away when it starts, if I stay I risk hearing things I don't want to hear, but now he's angry with me for doing that.

For example an argument started last night, he then said sorry, followed by that's more that you'd ever say (I do and have), which to me meant he wasn't sorry. I decided to then retreat to my room as I knew where this could lead. He then says I engineered the argument because I'd wanted to go to bed?!? No, I need to get away because if I don't I could end up hurt.

I've explained why I take flight, but he doesn't understand.

What's my next move to make him understand?

[quote fightorflight10]@NameChangeNamaste I'm dreading being honest and I'm not sure why?

[/quote]
Because abusers get you to the point where you feel shame, you blame yourself, you think others will not believe you or will judge you. Being honest feels like exposing yourself and there’s always that doubt as to whether they will believe and support you. And once it’s out in the open you can’t hide it and have to deal with it and that can be difficult too.

And so people don’t speak up and the abuse continues

Because abusers get you to the point where you feel shame, you blame yourself, you think others will not believe you or will judge you. Being honest feels like exposing yourself and there’s always that doubt as to whether they will believe and support you. And once it’s out in the open you can’t hide it and have to deal with it and that can be difficult too.

This is so totally true! I told him about my abuse, he didn't believe me, told me I was wrong,

I'm scared to expose myself again, it will all be out in the open and I then have to deal with the fall out if I'm not believed.

The worst type of abuser will use your previous abuse to exploit and mistreat you and increase the fear of telling anyone else and seeking help. It’s like psychological warfare, using your fears to intimidate you.

@fightorflight10
The response from @Faevern just about sums it up! Folks have a tendency to hide these things because they have been manipulated into believing they share some (or all) of the fault for it happening in the first place. That’s how you end up shying away from sharing with anyone you feel might pass judgment on you.

Your sister may challenge you or ask tough questions - hedging or hiding won’t help her (or you!) in the long run. Having all the facts will put her in the best position to support you x

The worst type of abuser will use your previous abuse to exploit and mistreat you and increase the fear of telling anyone else and seeking help. It’s like psychological warfare, using your fears to intimidate you.

This has hit home so much!

He is now escalating into following you when his abuse is making you flee. He will escalate to physical abuse very soon.

Or has he already? Does he try to block your path when you leave the room, for example?

I've now gone into the kitchen to finish dinner, I've got angry I know I shouldn't but the past post brought everything home to me.

He thinks it's because the dog ate the veg (very irritating) but it's about the tears of abuse!

I've had enough, I told him I hate him and I do! He says why because the dog ate the veg .... no because you've abused me for so long, that I'm demented thinking about it all!

You've never really asked for forgiveness or explained why the fuck on more than one occasion you've verbally abused me. You've just said a weak sorry and I don't know why I did it ! I know why, because you hated me and wished you'd never formed a relationship with me.

I've said many times, why not end it and you've said no!

Why?

I'm sorry I'm dreadfully emotional now and very angry.

I'm going to go up to my bedroom (at 6.15!), I fucking hate that room now.

Thank you for all your kind words, I'm going to try really hard to become a stronger person and get out of this.

And after all he has done, he has the audacity of being pissed off at me wanting to take flight! I think I'm doing him a massive favour by stopping him being able to spew his awfulness to me.

I need to look after me and I don't trust him!

Thank you

I know I've not covered myself in glory by telling I hate him, but right now I do.

It's a beautiful summers day and again I'm ducking miserable!

I wish I was seeing my sister tonight's, but she's away. I need to talk and release.

Would you feel better going out for a walk rather than sitting in your room?

Take very good care of yourself

.

@RandomMess thank you, thank I'm upstairs now, I'm safe.

I was asked a long a Wally with the dog this morning, which was wonderful.

I'm going to watch my iPad and I've got a glass of wine.

I'm a lot calmer.

Thank you everyone.

Auto correct was mad

I had a long walk with the dog this morning! ... not all that nonsense!

I don't think he will understand.

My DH is like this except he doesn't even give me the option to walk away half the time. He will walk away when he feels like it but come back and talk "at" me more as he sees fit. It doesn't matter if I asked to be left alone. I think it's a control thing.

It's fine for him to walk away but he doesn't like if I do.

Take care , this can be a dangerous time when the abuser feels most threatened.

You really deserve to be happy OP and this is horrible for you. He sounds vile. Get your self worth back be strong and get rid of him

You've tried to save your marriage he hasn't.
You really need to leave this man he is vile.
You deserve better