Thinking of spying on the guy im dating

[Anon31483]

Have done this before, was outside his house and waited for sometime but didn't see anything. We have had conversations about fidelity etc and he was pretty clear he does want me only and me him. Due to a traumatic event where a guy a couple of years ago, posed as single while he was married, it's impossible for me to trust 100% anyone I'm romantically involved with. The past few weeks I noticed a change in behaviour in him. He did seem to not initiate contact with me and not really asking to meet me. I brought the issue up with him and he said he has some issues with work recently and responsibilities like for example he argued with his boss as he was changed area and with his son. We've seen each others 2 years now but we are not what I would say full on committed, we are exclusive though and a steady presence in each others lives. I am thinking to spy on him outside his flat. I'm just wondering if it's better outside, behind a large Bush, or inside the flat entrance, I can hide either upstairs so I view his flat from above, or downstairs so I can view the flat from below but I think it may prove risky if I bump into a neighbour. Any thoughts

If I were in your position I would back off from him. Actions do speak louder than words, and while his mouth is saying all positive things, it’s clear that his actions are not or you wouldn’t even consider spying on him. Back off, keep yourself busy by doing other things- harder I know with current restrictions, but see friends, read a book, take up exercise, do things that will bring joy and benefit to you. If he wants you, let him show you, if he doesn’t, then count your blessings that you took control and dealt with things your way.

I think this is the best and you are right he might have told me he has issues with work but it may be an excuse.

I don't wanna trust blindly and the fact that he didn't initiate contact really, after restrictions were lifted, it didn't sit well with me and that's why I questioned it

The thing is I always emphasise how much i like a relationship based on honesty and he always said he agrees.

I think the issue is not so much that he may be cheating, it is that his behaviour towards you has changed.

Back right off, give him a lot of space and see if he initiates contact and arranges to see you. You've already asked him so he knows you are feeling concerned. Let him choose either to contribute to building the relationship or if he remains half-hearted then you have your answer.

Yes the behaviour has changed but there must be a reason for that.

I just find it difficult to believe its 100% because of work

It isn't because of work, it's because his alarm bells are ringing about you and rightly so.

I trust, but not blindly

OP I'm sorry you live this way, it's really hard on you. But there is trust, or there is no trust, otherwise it's a very unhealthy mindset to have & can be absolutely wearing on your partner to be constantly questioned & mistrusted because of your past. I'm glad you aren't perusing this relationship further, but for yourself own sake seek some therapy to work on your trust issues

Good luck

I personally think 99.999999% of men cheat when given the chance and if they think no-one will find out. I think most happily married men cheat a few times over their marriages and relationships. That’s just my experience of working in male dominated industries where there is a lot of travel. And most of the time after they’ve done it, they just brush it off, forget, move on and go home to their wives or partners.

So my assumption in most relationships is that the man cheats in small and big ways, but if you want to check that he is telling you the truth I don’t see any issue with checking that he is where he says he is.

@Jackieoscottagecheese that's what my experience has been as well. Unfortunately many times guys with significant others have hit on me for drinks etc and I don't trust blindly.

But in this case, I dont know. He told me there was something really bad that happened at work. They argued because he changed him area within London and close still to where we live and I told him so myself, that maybe is not so bad as its still close.

Unless something really bad is happening or some cheating going on, I dont understand why wouldn't he initiate contact with me.

This is why I have acted this way. Trust me, I really would love to trust with all my heart, but the facts are against it

He argued with his manager*

This has to be the same author of many posts like this atm - absolute fabrication

Excuse me this is my personal problem at the moment

If I was looking to fabricate on here I’d make up something juicier than he’s just backing off and has less time for me. I’d make it something so bad that posters were encouraging me to spy, and I’d drop in regularly with updates (if I wanted the attention)

This post does not have hallmarks of a troll

Maybe he's cheating elsewhere? You'd have to stalk him at work, gym, nights out... sounds exhausting not to mention illegal

I don't think he's that into you

Move on

You need to work on your self confidence

The only thing I know atm is that I won't contact

If not into me I've already given him the out

You'll frighten him off OP ! Relax ... enjoy yourselves ... let him be him and you be you
If it's meant to be then it will be fine
If you carry on like this you will never ever have a successful happy committed relationship

I hope he catches you spying on him and calls the police. I've been stalked/spied on and it's awful when you find out it's been happening. If you feel the need to behave this way then it's you with the problems and need help.

Saw this and thought of you!

@Anon31483

Well I'm rational. I wanted to see if I would find out anything more that way but unfortunately it's hit and miss.

The truth is, normally you wouldn't find out the truth if you don't do some digging.

Unfortunately that's a fact. A lot of women have found things this way, or by searching phone, which I don't like but nevertheless, it has worked for people

No. Sorry. It's crazy behaviour, and I say this as someone whose husband cheated when we had young baby twins and then left. I would never snoop on anyone or hang around outside their house. 😂 How embarrassing! If you don't trust him, then end it.

Honestly, if you're even contemplating this them the relationship is over already.

I mean this kindly OP, I really do. But whatever he is or isn't doing this is paranoid and insecure behaviour.

If you were secure in yourself and thought he was cheating you'd trust your instinct, that you're not happy and secure with him, and end it. Without needing to "find out".

And if you were secure and the relationship was solid you'd likely not feel like this.

There are cases where cheating happens with no sign, double lives (my own husband did this!!!) but it's rare. Usually there are problems already or the relationship has become dysfunctional in which case the cheating or lack thereof is irrelevant, the answer is already to end it.

My advice would be don't stalk him. Dump him and move on. Take some time and therapy to restore your own wellbeing and sense of self worth and avoid relationships until you're in a happier place being single.

I think in a Bush with one of those fake nose, mustache and glasses combos would do the trick

🕵🏻‍♂️

We spoke today and he told me how much he misses me and wants me. He wants to meet soon.

I hope I get something out of this

@PolkadotFlamingos I'm sorry you had to go thru this but I really wouldn't wanna be cheated on I think its horrible.

I see people are so fickle nowadays I don't know what to think anymore

Did he contact you OP?