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Original poster

Husband has a crush on our close friend

104 replies

Spottybluepyjamas · 12/06/2021 16:56

Hello all, my husband and I are good friends with a woman in our close circle of friends and he admitted last night when we were joking around about something else that he had a crush on her. He said he loves me, has no intention of acting on it and doesn't want to act on it. I don't doubt that he loves me but I'm pretty upset. The woman has no idea,

Am I overreacting by being upset? He isn't saying that I am at all, but I'm really taken aback by this and don't really know how to feel. It's really surprised me because it's happened when we've been at our strongest, and we're a happy couple anyway. He says that he's at his happiest at the moment as well.

He says that everyone gets crushes at some point and he can't help how he feels, and the most important thing is that he would never act on it or do anything to jeopardise our relationship, but I feel like I'm always going to be looking over my shoulder from now on. Can anyone offer any advice?

OP posts:
Onthedunes · 12/06/2021 22:50

Ok lets flip it...

Op was joking around and taunting one another who they fancied, op kept poking husband saying you fancy (insert name) admit it, I won't be mad...
Next thing he does just to stop the jibes and thinking they were in the throws of some light hearted fun. Not the answer she wanted but she got it, now it's not fun.

It's all in the context , add into the mix this may be Op's second marriage and maybe she feels trust is a sore point as well, as he may not have been the most trustful of men when she met him.

Just saying Smile

RainbowHash · 12/06/2021 23:43

It's unrealistic that individuals in couples won't be attracted to others from time to time. Doesn't mean anything. Poor bloke was just being honest. Doesn't mean he would act on it, and doesn't lessen the bond, love or strength of their relationship. A crush from a distance is not even remotely near to a connection or relationship. I think many of the responses on here are OTT.

Cherrysoup · 12/06/2021 23:56

Arsehole to tell you, what a wanker. I’d be crushed if my DH told me that. He can crush on whoever he likes, but I do not need to know.

Sillawithans · 13/06/2021 00:24

Please don't drop your friend. I've been that friend and it's a horrible position to be in especially when you haven't encouraged it.

I had a friend once who's husband once said during dinner why can't you be more like S. I almost died and I was dropped immediately.

BlueButtercups · 13/06/2021 03:04

I'm not sure your friendship could survive this either tbh 🤔

BlueButtercups · 13/06/2021 03:05

it's not your friends fault, but she would be a reminder of his fantasy ... sadly 🤔

Taikoo · 13/06/2021 03:39

That's very hurtful and very cruel of him.
He's obviously wanting to get one over on you.

Going forward - I'd divorce him. Leave him to his crush.

Dannyandsandy · 13/06/2021 03:40

What on earth is wrong with this thread? OP, your husband fancies someone else. He told you about this. You’re giving him the green light to act on it by accepting it. LTB!

Dannyandsandy · 13/06/2021 03:44

She also probably knows. He’s probably staring at her everytime you guys have dinner. Stealing glances. Just wrong on so many levels.

Anordinarymum · 13/06/2021 03:45

OP Is his crush a fancying the pants off her crush or is it that he likes her company? There is a big difference surely ?

A friend of mine told me that her husband thought I was wonderful but it was meant in a nice way and I knew they were totally in love. He was always kind to me and I knew it was not a fancying me kindness but simply that he liked me.

Another friend knew her husband fancied a woman we all knew and she was absolutely horrible to her. The woman had no idea why but she knew the guy liked her. He made no secret of it but at the same time he would never have done anything about it - he just liked her and that was that.

Sunflower1970 · 13/06/2021 06:00

I would be as upset as you are. You pushed him an got an answer that has hurt you. Sometimes it is better not to ask those kind of questions. I’m extremely happily married but I still find others attractive and I’m sure my hubby does . We would NEVER tell each other and would never act on it

bigfloweryblouse · 13/06/2021 07:55

You DH can't help it. I've had crushes before and the feelings come out of nowhere, totally unexpected sometimes. I hate it when it happens - I really wish I could switch off that part of my brain. I think it's good he feels so honest and open with you. That's the sign of a secure relationship. It would be worse he buried it or tried to deny it.
It happens in life - we're human! In fact, it's in the Ten Commandments, it's so universal. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbours wife. (Apologies if I've got that wrong, I'm not religious, just using it to illustrate the point)

Frockcoat · 13/06/2021 11:41

Name changed for this. I’m slightly in your DH’s position. I have a horrible, full on crush on a good friend of ours. Unfortunately the feeling seems to be mutual - we clearly find each other attractive and personally I’ve found it hard not to let things escalate on a couple of occasions. We are both married and good friends with each other’s spouses and neither one of us would dream of having an affair - but it’s very difficult to switch off the attraction.

What’s interesting is that I came on here to ask for advice and so many people were seriously urging me to tell my DH, which I refused to do because it would have done nothing other than cause very hurtful damage - as it has in this case. I think your husband was silly to tell you, but it’s possible he thought he was doing the right thing.

Dannyandsandy · 13/06/2021 12:10

@Frockcoat That sounds more than a crush.

billy1966 · 13/06/2021 12:18

@Onthedunes

Most women would be utterly turned off by the thought of their husbands openly stating they fancy another woman and one they regularly see.

If it was my partner I'd say......."yup right there, thats where you fucked up your own sex life and marriage"

Nobody wants that kind of honesty.

Yea I agree.

I would be seriously unimpressed.

How would he feel if you told him you had a crush on another man?

Admiration for the appearance of another person yes, but a crush is his emotions.

He has feelings for another woman.

I would be seriously unimpressed.

CirqueDeMorgue · 13/06/2021 12:20

Not rtft but I'd be really fucking pissed off if my boyfriend admitted something like this. I don't agree that it's normal to have 'crushes' on other people when you're really in love with your partner. Acknowledging that someone is attractive is fair enough but anything more than that, no.

Onthedunes · 13/06/2021 12:22

@Frockcoat

If you can'r see the difference between this post and your situation then I think you are going to have trouble going forwards with your problem.

Frockcoat · 13/06/2021 12:42

I do see the difference of course, but I just thought it was interesting about the question of ‘should you tell your spouse you find someone else attractive?’ Many people suggested to me that it was my absolute duty to tell my husband about my feelings for someone else…I’m just wondering if OP’s DH did think he was being open and honest and doing the right thing by telling her.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 13/06/2021 14:00

@Frockcoat

we clearly find each other attractive and personally I’ve found it hard not to let things escalate on a couple of occasions.

Out of (genuine) interest, what does this mean? That you've discussed it with the guy? Or nearly kissed etc?

Imissmoominmama · 13/06/2021 14:10

Crushes are random and can take you completely by surprise. He isn’t doing anything about it, and is clearly embarrassed about it, so to keep questioning is a bit daft.

I’ve had several crushes during my marriage, but never had an affair, and never would because I love my husband and I’m not ruled by my genitals.

I know he’s had crushes too- one was on a friend of mine (everyone has a crush on her though!). I’d only get annoyed if he was making it obvious.

She doesn’t have anything you don’t- she’s just someone he likes!

Dervel · 13/06/2021 14:31

I’m of the school of thought pretty much anyone can cheat given the lining up of certain circumstances. Myself included, not that I ever have mind you, but one of the bulwarks against it and staying committed is solid communication and respect.

Now you could very well argue and argue well, disclosing a crush to your partner is disrespectful and perhaps you’d be right. However I see lying about it either as a lie of commission or omission shows far greater disrespect.

Developing a crush on someone is pretty natural and over the course of a long relationship is far more likely to occur. Yes there is a difference between just merely finding someone attractive and having a crush on them.

I think the way I would address it would be something like: “I find X a pretty interesting, and attractive woman, but given how much I love you and want to be committed to us, I would prefer to avoid that ever becoming a problem. Perhaps it would be wise for me to avoid her a bit in the short term.” It’s all a question of how early you can catch these things. The objective of the honesty is to create security not to create insecurity.

Now it’s entirely possible my approach would be unacceptable to many women, especially if they had trust issues and insecurities, from past relationships and do you know what that’s fine! It just means we’re probably incompatible on the point of our shared values, but that’s something I’m keen to establish very early in in relationships.

Of course this principle goes both ways, I wouldn’t be at all phased is she told me of a crush she has or is in danger of developing. Of course I’d be lying if I said I would prefer she didn’t, but I’m not going to drag her over the hot coals over a feeling, it’s more the actions here that important more so than how we feel. I wouldn’t even necessarily expect to her to limit contact with the bloke that’s just a likely solution I would probably take myself. I’d be glad she’d told me and trust her to take whatever appropriate action to preserve our relationship.

Whatflavourjellybabyisnice · 13/06/2021 14:58

@SurelyNott

I think it’s unrealistic to expect married people to suddenly become blind. If you fancy someone you fancy them, it’s the actions and intent that matters.

He was utterly moronic to tell you though.

I'd say this was my opinion.
Jigglywobbly · 13/06/2021 15:31

I agree everyone finds other people attractive. Blushing because you fancy someone so much is another level in my opinion. I don’t think it’s acceptable and points to thinking about that person too much / fantasising about them.

Onewayoranother88 · 13/06/2021 16:04

If you're happy with your significant other and love them then I don't think it's normal or nice to be having feelings for somebody else, thinking of them in a romantic or sexual way, outside of thinking they're attractive.
How's the OP supposed to feel relaxed knowing that her DP is thinking about her friend?

BlueButtercups · 13/06/2021 17:39

its an emotion your DH has, that will leave you wonderful if he is fantasising about her, or seeking out her company when you are all together socially, and I think that alone will leave you feeling very uncomfortable. Everyone is right, him sharing this news with you was so unfair. It might be considered a relationship changer. 🌸