Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband has a crush on our close friend

104 replies

Spottybluepyjamas · 12/06/2021 16:56

Hello all, my husband and I are good friends with a woman in our close circle of friends and he admitted last night when we were joking around about something else that he had a crush on her. He said he loves me, has no intention of acting on it and doesn't want to act on it. I don't doubt that he loves me but I'm pretty upset. The woman has no idea,

Am I overreacting by being upset? He isn't saying that I am at all, but I'm really taken aback by this and don't really know how to feel. It's really surprised me because it's happened when we've been at our strongest, and we're a happy couple anyway. He says that he's at his happiest at the moment as well.

He says that everyone gets crushes at some point and he can't help how he feels, and the most important thing is that he would never act on it or do anything to jeopardise our relationship, but I feel like I'm always going to be looking over my shoulder from now on. Can anyone offer any advice?

OP posts:
TheVolturi · 12/06/2021 20:25

Everyone gets crushes. Stupid (and worrying) to tell your partner! It's not being honest, it's being cruel imo.

Original poster
Spottybluepyjamas · 12/06/2021 20:31

@XiCi

How old are you both? Are you very young?
We're both nearly 40 - been together about 10 years
OP posts:
Original poster
Spottybluepyjamas · 12/06/2021 20:32

Thank you for your replies everyone. Reading through them all, but also trying to talk to DH, so haven't got a huge amount of time to reply at the moment

OP posts:
BeeCool · 12/06/2021 20:36

If it was my partner I'd say......."yup right there, thats where you fucked up your own sex life and marriage"

Nobody wants that kind of honesty.

Absolutely agree!

XiCi · 12/06/2021 20:38

I actually can't believe he told you he fancies your friend. Someone you are in a close group of friends with. Youre going to be watching them like a hawk every time you're out now. Every social event I would be on edge. What an absolute dick.

Sisisimone · 12/06/2021 20:42

If it was my partner I'd say......."yup right there, thats where you fucked up your own sex life and marriage

Yep. I love you but I fancy your friend. I mean what.the.actual.fuck. Marriage over right there

Slipperfairy · 12/06/2021 20:42

The advice I've always seen on here, if a woman says she has a crush, is to tell their partner,as it diffuses it and stops it being like a kind of secret fantasy. Maybe he's been on here.

InFiveMins · 12/06/2021 20:47

I'd be seriously unhappy with this and would forever be wondering if he fancied any of my other friends. It's harsh but I don't think he is truly happy with you if he's got a crush on someone else.

Smokeymirror · 12/06/2021 20:48

Oh I couldn’t handle this. To the pp who said she had a celeb crush it’s totally different as you can never interact with the person. How awkward for you whenever you see this friend op!

Curbaisti · 12/06/2021 21:01

@Sisisimone

If it was my partner I'd say......."yup right there, thats where you fucked up your own sex life and marriage

Yep. I love you but I fancy your friend. I mean what.the.actual.fuck. Marriage over right there

Also agree with this. Blushing, pathetic really at his age
BlueButtercups · 12/06/2021 21:01

Ooh that's very unsavoury ....

I couldn't be happy with this news either OP..

DO NOT TELL YOUR FRIEND...

good luck 🌸

notalwaysalondoner · 12/06/2021 21:03

I have a good friend I’ve had a tiny crush on for years, he’s my mental “back up” if DH were to die or we somehow grew apart and split up (even though he also has a long term partner so it would probably never happen anyway). DH is vaguely aware and doesn’t care. There’s a huge difference between finding someone attractive and having a bit of a spark and actively engaging in extra marital physical or emotional affairs. But in a long term relationship it’s not like you just go blind or can’t find people attractive- unless you subscribe to the idea there’s only one person for everyone out there. I love DH to bits bu the way, it hasn’t impacted our relationship one iota (or the friendship, we don’t talk that often at all and I don’t act any differently with him to any other male friend).

MsDogLady · 12/06/2021 21:06

I can’t imagine living day-to-day with the terribly unsettling knowledge that my H fancies and has feelings for our close friend. I would assume that he hasn’t been truly ‘present’ with me, as his thoughts have been invested elsewhere.

Whatever his intentions, he has essentially sabotaged your marriage with this information, as well as the friendship.

FairyDusting · 12/06/2021 21:07

People are right, you don’t stop finding people attractive when you get married but that doesn’t mean you get crushes? I have a DP and I obviously notice when people are attractive but I would never explain it as a crush or say I ‘like them’. I would be worried that he is testing your boundaries to see what he can get away with by telling you.

Tal45 · 12/06/2021 21:09

I think in those circumstances he did the right thing. He could have denied it, could have lied to your face - would you really prefer that? To be left wondering, questioning if something was going on? That would be much more worrying to me. The fact he felt he could and should be honest with you (to me at least) is a real positive that I would really appreciate. No one stops being attracted to other people just because they're with someone. I would just ask him to be respectful and so be polite but distant with this friend - you don't want it rubbed in your face now you know this.

Runmybathforme · 12/06/2021 21:11

What an absolute pig to tell you about his crush. I wouldn’t be able to let him anywhere near me, and I couldn’t let it go. I’d always be wondering if he was thinking/ fantasising about her.

ZaraCarmichaelshighheels · 12/06/2021 21:20

@Peppermint1288

He's not just thinking that she's good looking or whatever though, he's admitting to feelings which is different.
Absolutely this, we can all fancy other people and find them attractive but it has no bearing on our relationships, but having a crush is completely different, it’s the start of falling for someone, that heady heart pounding feeling when you see you see them, it’s the start of properly falling for someone.
Charley50 · 12/06/2021 21:49

I didn't know that was the difference between fancying someone, and having a crush @ZaraCarmichaelshighheels ?

I would presume they were the same thing..

Opentooffers · 12/06/2021 21:52

I'd be wondering how deep the crush is that he is unable to act normal and goes bright red at the mention of her.
I'd maybe go a bit red if I found myself in a room with Fernando Torres ( he's a babe) but chatting to someone about him doesn't phase me, I don't fantasize about him, and I'd forgotten about him until he popped up recently on previous European Cup footage. Seems a bit of a strong reaction your DH had there. A crush is somewhat more annoying, than just appreciation, but then leave it at that - which is going to occur now and again realistically.
I can see how off putting it would be. It wouldn't cause me to immediately LTB, but I'd be watching with caution and the sex life would end up taking a hit. Does he really feel in as good a place as you, or was he just going along with what you said? It's a crying shame if he's on the same page as you ( in which case why a crush?) because he's taken the shine off it all now.

MadMadMadamMim · 12/06/2021 21:56

I'd find it difficult to get past that.

I agree with "yup right there, that's where you fucked up your own sex life and marriage"

It's really uncomfortable to have a crush on someone 'real' and in your circle. I don't think I could cope. I'm mid 50s and don't want to hear from DH that he has a crush on Michelle Pfeiffer - never mind "Sally that we see in the pub every Friday"!

(Don't think that DH has a crush on Michelle Pfeiffer. He hasn't been dumb enough to tell me that)

Marineboy67 · 12/06/2021 22:01

@Sometimesfraught82

For having a crush? No

For tell you?
Thoughtless twat

Absolutely this...beat me to it! Stupid thoughtless inconsiderate twat I'd say!
Bluntness100 · 12/06/2021 22:01

The term crush is so juvenile. You are not young teenagers. So you don’t need to talk like one, or coach it in immature terms, He’s got the hots for your friend, he fancies her, quite badly it seems, and he’s twat enough to tell you.

Bluntness100 · 12/06/2021 22:05

Also how do you know she’s no idea? If you’re all close I’d bet my last penny she knows full well he fancies her.

Also are you sure there is nothing going on between them and he’s not just saying this to get you off the scent, sort of partial truth to stop you looking deeper?

BanditoShipman · 12/06/2021 22:09

@Charley50

I didn't know that was the difference between fancying someone, and having a crush *@ZaraCarmichaelshighheels* ?

I would presume they were the same thing..

I thought fancying someone is just finding them attractive but a crush sounds more like, thinking of them constantly, moping around, going red when talking to/about them, fantasising about them, mooning around etc etc
RhubarbCustardy · 12/06/2021 22:20

A bit of a difficult one. If after goin red he hadn't told you the truth then you would've thought the worst. As it is, its a crush and after a while these often go away. He couldn't not tell you once you'd realised something. You've said you're both happy and the relationship is strong so perhaps that's why he was able to be honest with you. Now you know, I suspectvtgat nothing will happen and probably would anyway. She probably hasn't got anything you haven't, she may have unknowingly stroked his ego. People often have crushes but doesnt mean they ever intend to act on them.