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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband has a crush on our close friend

104 replies

Spottybluepyjamas · 12/06/2021 16:56

Hello all, my husband and I are good friends with a woman in our close circle of friends and he admitted last night when we were joking around about something else that he had a crush on her. He said he loves me, has no intention of acting on it and doesn't want to act on it. I don't doubt that he loves me but I'm pretty upset. The woman has no idea,

Am I overreacting by being upset? He isn't saying that I am at all, but I'm really taken aback by this and don't really know how to feel. It's really surprised me because it's happened when we've been at our strongest, and we're a happy couple anyway. He says that he's at his happiest at the moment as well.

He says that everyone gets crushes at some point and he can't help how he feels, and the most important thing is that he would never act on it or do anything to jeopardise our relationship, but I feel like I'm always going to be looking over my shoulder from now on. Can anyone offer any advice?

OP posts:
Peppermint1288 · 12/06/2021 19:40

Ignore him when he says everyone gets feelings for someone else at some point, they don't. There will be men who only have eyes for you like you deserve, get rid of this loser.

Peppermint1288 · 12/06/2021 19:41

But I'm sure like PP said the friend would be mortified if she knew, I'm sure she's done nothing to spur it on or anything.

Thewiseoneincognito · 12/06/2021 19:43

Would you have preferred he kept this a secret from you or can you learn to respect his honesty in telling you? If he’s a normal male then I hate to break it to you but all guys look at other women, it’s absolutely normal he would have a crush on someone else. I look at other men and think yes please but it doesn’t make me a cheating whore.

In the nicest possible way- You need to work on your insecurities.

Peppermint1288 · 12/06/2021 19:44

He's not just thinking that she's good looking or whatever though, he's admitting to feelings which is different.

Gilda152 · 12/06/2021 19:44

@Onthedunes Maybe OP hasn't pointedly been talking about her before to her DH? That's when the redness occurred. Maybe its the juxtaposition of his wife mentioning his crush. That could cause quite a reaction on several levels, who can say.

She said they are a close circle of friends but not that they've particularly known each other ages. But either way, crushes can strike anytime can't they. You can know someone for years or five minutes and it can strike indiscriminately. I spent all of last year having a massive heart racing crush on Adam Driver to the point of obsession (am happily married) I would happily stay up at night to watch Star Wars rather than be in bed with my DH at that point. It's wore off completely now. Blame covid.

FiddlefigOnTheRoof · 12/06/2021 19:47

It’s hugely disrespectful to tell your wife you have a crush on someone you know (celebrities may be a little different).

Gilda152 · 12/06/2021 19:50

@FiddlefigOnTheRoof I agree about the celebrity bit, but I feel more like he went red, OP noticed, queried, he fessed up rather than lying or denying, I don't think he was being disrespectful by being transparent, despite the issues that could cause, he was caught in the moment and chose honesty.

We all say we want honesty in relationships. Do we really I wonder.

Onthedunes · 12/06/2021 20:02

@Gilda152

I understand the context in which the op extracted the confession makes a difference but still he could have lied.

Yes some couples are open, jokey and flippant about such things but clearly by the op's thread it has hurt her deeply and made her feel insecure.

Do you not think after so long together their relationship boundaries on what they divulge have not already been put into place.

I would suggest he may have known this would hurt her.

He's either a fool or cruel.

tony68 · 12/06/2021 20:02

It would be a turn off for me that he didn't have the kahunas to pokerface at the mere mention of object of desire's name. He sounds stunted. My fanny would dry up.

Morgoth · 12/06/2021 20:06

Disrespectful and cruel. He was such a moron to tell you. I would be upset too OP.

1forAll74 · 12/06/2021 20:07

Lots of people have a crush on someone,. someone that appeals to them in some way. It's no big deal really., unless you make it a big deal.

Onthedunes · 12/06/2021 20:08

Most women would be utterly turned off by the thought of their husbands openly stating they fancy another woman and one they regularly see.

If it was my partner I'd say......."yup right there, thats where you fucked up your own sex life and marriage"

Nobody wants that kind of honesty.

Gilda152 · 12/06/2021 20:11

@Onthedunes

I don't think OP has stated anywhere what their relationship boundaries are about this kind of thing - suspect it's never come up until this moment.

dudsville · 12/06/2021 20:11

I feel for the guy. The fact that he went red means he was deeply embarrassed and unable to hide it, indicating honesty. He said he loves you. He has feelings for someone else. It's possible to have feelings and not act on them. It's not possible to stop feelings from happening. I think you two need time as a couple away from mumsnet to decide for yourselves how you move forward.

StayCalm99 · 12/06/2021 20:12

Agreed

StayCalm99 · 12/06/2021 20:13

Agree with @onthedunes i mean

XiCi · 12/06/2021 20:15

I couldn't be with someone who fancied my mate, sorry. And if he's sniffing round your friend at a time he thinks your marriage is at its happiest, imagine what he'll be like if you hit a rocky patch. Will he be running straight off to her, or his latest crush?

XiCi · 12/06/2021 20:18

If he's that kooky about her that he's blushing like a schoolboy at the mention of her name you can bet that your friend and group of friends will have noticed as well and I would find that a complete embarrassment

Anotherlovelybitofsquirrel · 12/06/2021 20:18

That would switch it off immediately for me. He didn't need to tell you. I'd be worried who he was thinking about during sex. The Ick would be instant. Sorry Op Thanks

Onthedunes · 12/06/2021 20:18

[quote Gilda152]@Onthedunes

I don't think OP has stated anywhere what their relationship boundaries are about this kind of thing - suspect it's never come up until this moment.[/quote]
She didn't need to state it she's posted about it.

She's upset, I can tell and if her husband doesn't know her by now he never will.

Unless he did it on purpose to cause harm.

Thelm · 12/06/2021 20:18

Honestly this would really upset me.

Peppermint1288 · 12/06/2021 20:19

forget about this loser. He's married to you, why does he need to have feelings for your mate?

XiCi · 12/06/2021 20:19

How old are you both? Are you very young?

Rigamorph · 12/06/2021 20:21

[quote Gilda152]@FiddlefigOnTheRoof I agree about the celebrity bit, but I feel more like he went red, OP noticed, queried, he fessed up rather than lying or denying, I don't think he was being disrespectful by being transparent, despite the issues that could cause, he was caught in the moment and chose honesty.

We all say we want honesty in relationships. Do we really I wonder.[/quote]
'We all say we want honesty in relationships. Do we really I wonder'

Hear hear.

The posters on this thread are clearly not the same on so many others that say 'it's not the crush/porn/texting that bothers me, it's the dishonesty'.

Most people would rather be comforted by the truth than hurt by a lie. Don't push to find out the truth if you can't handle it.

At least the OP has what appears to be an honest man.

And it's perfectly possible to love someone, and have a crush on someone else at the same time.

Obviously each of us would like to believe that we are the most magnificent being in the world.....despite all evidence to the contrary Grin

Rigamorph · 12/06/2021 20:22

OOps obviously meant comforted by a lie than hurt by the truth

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