Pressured into being a 'good' wife who has sex

[Keeleyls]

I'm looking for some advice and support. Apologies if I ramble but I'm very upset and been crying.

Just background. I've been with my husband 3 years, married one year. I know that he wants more sex than me (once a week at the moment as it's tricky to find the time).
This morning we woke up and he was very off/cold with me. It of course upset me and I asked what was wrong. He said nothing, which was rubbish. I left him to it until I asked for the 4th time and he said this...
We don't have enough sex, that I constantly use excuses and that he feels unloved and rejected by me.
In the mornings I can be groggy due to anxiety meds I take before bed. Also last week I had a migraine and felt sick and today I woke up with a headache (perhaps dehydration). I feel like death but also know if I say I need to get out of bed my husband instantly says when are you coming back.
Because I know he wants sex.

I know that what he is saying is have water and you better come back (because he wants sex). I feel so stressed dealing with a migraine and also having to come back to bed to have sex with him.

The argument we had this morning he said he can't tell his wife anything that he's just showing how much he loves me (wanting sex) and that no wonder people are suicidal if they can't tell their wife anything like feeling rejected and that I don't listen and don't show love.

He believes the migraine/headaches are an excuse. They are not.

I ended up sobbing and he just told me how I'm basically a crap wife because I reject him and don't show affection.
I am really affectionate but not when I feel sick from a migraine.

I now feel pressure to have sex with him. I cannot understand his perspective at all.
I don't trust him and I don't want to be around him. I feel like I don't know him.

Is this common? I know it's not healthy but my husband genuinely believes I am at fault and being unloving, difficult and cold.

I don't know what to do. I'm utterly shocked. I find it extremely manipulative.

Coerced sex is rape. He sounds manipulative and unpleasant, and I wouldn't want to have sex with him either!

Is there anything good about this marriage?

How he's dealt with it is not acceptable and you obviously absolutely should never sleep with him if you don't want to.

But do you actually want to sleep with him? I can understand how it makes him feel rubbish as that's how a lot of people do show love, myself - female - included. Maybe you need to try talking about how you both feel about how to make each other feel listened to and loved?

It sounds like he doesn't care about you as much as he cares about ejaculating.

Lots of men are like that.

It’s entirely your right to have sex when you want and not feel pressured or coerced into it.

What you could look at is whether you want more sex and if you do (his wants aren’t relevant) what you can do to find a better time or manage your health in a way that means you are in the mood for sex.

You talk about this migraine stopping you a lot, which is totally understandable and I don’t believe any man would want sex with one either. However, I’m reading your post as the migraine being a one off rather than something you suffer from daily/weekly so is your husband really talking about your relationship not having enough sex in general rather than just a one off when you had a migraine? You’re still completely in the right to say no but he is much more unreasonable if this is all over a one off.

If you don’t want more sex, do you think you are going to be compatible long term? You might find you are a lot less anxious and suffer fewer migraines if you aren’t married to someone constantly pestering you for sex.

Thank you for the responses. My heads a mess.
He is very thoughtful, kind caring however he turns into a different person and I saw this today.
The more pushes the less I want to be near him ever again. I certainly don't want to have sex with him.
He says he's not apologising.
I think it's over. I don't know but I feel he's using this as an excuse to have an argument.

I've had a migraine 2 weeks in a row and this is genuine.
We tend to have sex once a week as this is fine for me. Obviously not for him but he's never communicated this.
He's basically said I'm a crap wife who doesn't show affection, doesn't have enough sex with him, I don't listen, I don't support him as a wife should. Etc
I feel blindsided by this. I genuinely felt like I was a good wife.
Everything I believed has now just gone.
I don't think he wants to be with me

Of course the more he pushes the more he'll push you away.

Generally, women need to feel loved and respected to have sex.

Two weeks in a row with a migraine is still a one off to me, especially in a long term relationship. I can see why you think it’s over. It’s not an easy decision but it’s the route I’d be going along as well.

Coerced sex is rape. Rape is not an expression of love, affection, support or care.

Rapists are terrible husbands.

It might not feel like it now but you will be better off without him once you've had a bit of time to recover from him messing with your head.

@Keeleyls Hi I'm sorry you are feeling like you are and it does sound as if your husband is being very harsh. You don't say how old you both are but you did mention that once a week is enough for you but not him so it sounds like you might not have compatible sex drives and his frustration is coming out in a nasty way. How is he other than the sex issue?

It's a tricky one. Why don't you want to have sex with him? He may feel like you're making excuses not to do it with him and he may be hurting too. But saying that, you shouldn't feel pressured into doing it.
For some people they need sex to feel close to their partners, and it's all part of a loving, healthy relationship. If you have stopped wanting to have sex with him, you need to look at why. If the relationship isn't working then maybe you could do some couples counselling or, call it quits.

Thanks for your replies.
I feel so upset because I'm, according to him, a crap wife and it's not just because I don't feel.like sex when he does but all the other things he listed.
I was sobbing and he told me no wonder people end up suicidal if their wife doesn't listen and you can't go to her.
I just can't understand how viewpoint and because of this he now feels suicidal.

I've tied to reason with and he says I never listen etc

This is his third marriage, first (and last for me) and I hate to think it but sometimes I secretly think he's the flawed one.
He ALWAYS ALWAYS thinks he's right and I'm wrong and silly etc

Sorry for the ranting. I now have to see friends so putting on a brave face.

I like having sex with my husband and we have a great time when we do. I don't make excuses it's only been 2 Saturdays when I've had a migraine.
In the past he's said he's fine to have sex once a week. Of course there have been times we've had it more.
A few weeks back we had it 4 tiMes in one's week but he complained then that we hadn't had enough.
He's 45 and I'm 36

You don’t have to put on a brave face. Tell your friends.

This is him, not you.

The pressure from him can put me off wanting sex but it's genuinely something I thought we both enjoyed.
I'm on a few meds which has probably lowered my sex drive. I also have a few health issues which means I do get sick and don't want sex

I can see both points of view. It's horrible to feel unsupported when you're ill. It's also horrible if you want affection and closeness and sex and your partner isn't interested. That said if you don't want to have sex of course you mustn't.

I think it was very unfair for him to call you a bad wife. I don't think you need to be looking at yourself as a 'wife' who has to perform a certain way to fulfil the role. It's more about the connection between the two of you and how you take care of each other and each other's feelings.

You must be hurting so much. I'm sorry.

I think op is saying that she thinks there's more to his unpleasant behaviour than just the immediate issue with sex the last couple of weeks

Obviously the way he is talking about her and about sex is not on at all. But I wonder if he has his eye on someone else and is being nasty making op out to be a 'bad wife' to justify to himself that he wants to be/has been unfaithful?

Obviously it might not be that at all!

@candycane222 I do feel he's arguing with me because he feels frustrated/disappointed in the person he married.
I do believe him arguing with me is because he's not happy with who he married and I don't live up to his expectations of who he thought I was.
I always worry I don't match his ex wife and that's why he's so angry with me is because he's comparing us and I fall short.

She cheated on him and left him. It was very sudden on his part. He met me a few months later. So yeah I'm probably a rebound

He sounds horrible. If he was unwell, or didn't fancy it for ANY reason, would you pressure him? The suicidal thing sounds like utter blackmail. What a prick.

Let me get this straight, four times a week isn't even enough for him? He's accusing YOU of not listening to HIM? Sounds like the reverse is true - he is not willing to consider that you have needs too. It sounds like the best case scenario here is that you two are not communicating well on any level. That's the best case scenario. He also seems to have forgotten that he's got hands and can use them at will.

I would strongly urge you to consider private counselling (for yourself, not couples counselling as I think you would probably benefit from 1:1 work) if your budget can stretch to it.

Do you know she cheated on him and left or is it just what he told you happened?

Quite frankly op he sounds like a horrible bully and I bet he was the same with his ex wives. He enjoys kicking you when you are down and trying to make himself into the victim.

Also, what kind of weirdo wants sex with someone when they know that person doesnt want sex with them? So creepy.

Get yourself free of him. Asap.

He's a despicable man. Using suicide undertones to get you to do as he wants.
It seems pretty obvious that he's been the problem in his first two marriages if this is the the he acts.
He is a nasty manipulative bastard
Can you talk to your friend about it today?

Don't get pregnant!!
Sorry he's such a twat. Cut your losses. It's not going to get any better, is it?