Pressured into being a 'good' wife who has sex

[Keeleyls]

I'm looking for some advice and support. Apologies if I ramble but I'm very upset and been crying.

Just background. I've been with my husband 3 years, married one year. I know that he wants more sex than me (once a week at the moment as it's tricky to find the time).
This morning we woke up and he was very off/cold with me. It of course upset me and I asked what was wrong. He said nothing, which was rubbish. I left him to it until I asked for the 4th time and he said this...
We don't have enough sex, that I constantly use excuses and that he feels unloved and rejected by me.
In the mornings I can be groggy due to anxiety meds I take before bed. Also last week I had a migraine and felt sick and today I woke up with a headache (perhaps dehydration). I feel like death but also know if I say I need to get out of bed my husband instantly says when are you coming back.
Because I know he wants sex.

I know that what he is saying is have water and you better come back (because he wants sex). I feel so stressed dealing with a migraine and also having to come back to bed to have sex with him.

The argument we had this morning he said he can't tell his wife anything that he's just showing how much he loves me (wanting sex) and that no wonder people are suicidal if they can't tell their wife anything like feeling rejected and that I don't listen and don't show love.

He believes the migraine/headaches are an excuse. They are not.

I ended up sobbing and he just told me how I'm basically a crap wife because I reject him and don't show affection.
I am really affectionate but not when I feel sick from a migraine.

I now feel pressure to have sex with him. I cannot understand his perspective at all.
I don't trust him and I don't want to be around him. I feel like I don't know him.

Is this common? I know it's not healthy but my husband genuinely believes I am at fault and being unloving, difficult and cold.

I don't know what to do. I'm utterly shocked. I find it extremely manipulative.

My ex was like this, he finally walked out on me and our child (before and after the birth of said child, I now know he cheated on me with multiple women, even the night before the birth)

Despite us no longer being together, he STILL gaslights me and does anything to make me unreasonable, I should have expected what happened etc.

Please reconsider your relationship with this man. Its abuse and the longer it goes on, the harder it is to leave or when you do leave.

I can see both sides. Firstly I will begin by saying if you don't want sex then you shouldn't have sex and should never feel pressured into it.

I can however see how he may feel. I do think that relationships need nurturing both physically and emotionally and if my partner repeatedly said he didn't want sex with me, I would feel rejected and insecure. Hid you're literally having an off week because you're unwell then.he should completely leave you alone to recover and look after you. However, do you regularly not want a physical relationship with him? 5hwre is nothing at all wrong with that but you may be mismatched.

also he might go more willingly at 45 (thinking he can still pull-🤣)
if you wait he'll be aware that he is losing his looks and charm (🤣🤣🤣)
and he might cling on
urghhh

For some people sex is their way of expressing love.

How so many (mostly) men think that being angry or upset or coercive is going to make their wives love them is beyond me.

As it turned out xdh just wanted sex. New Dh wants to show me he loves me and thinks being married is special and unique. I'm about to take him upstairs so he can prove his point

Sex is not love! Being coerced and emotionally blackmailed into sex is most definitely not love! Being expected to have sex with someone on tap is also a massive turn off! He won't change his behaviour concerning this either, i put up with this for years with my ex. Honestly it's really not worth it, its a massive red flag for selfishness!

Maybe his behaviour explains why you're wife number 3.

OP, at best he is selfish and unkind. Cut your losses now, rather than look back in 10, 20 or 30 years time and regret that you didn't leave the prick. He will not get any better, and you deserve more

So he says you don't listen to his needs... But when you have a migraine, he tells you that you don't and won't listen even though you are in actual pain.

Women are conditioned to worry more about others' needs and this is what he is attempting to manipulate. Throw off the conditioning- stop trying to please him. He will never be pleased: you said yourself that when you had sex 4 times a week he still wasn't pleased.
Start planning your exit- you may even find your anxiety eases when you leave this selfish dickhead

Have a look at the book ‘Come as you are’ by emily nagoski

She breaks down how female sexual desire works.

This from the reviews sounds just like your situation:

“A theme that crops up in the book is the pressure a woman can feel to perform for a partner who craves their "love" which creates the adverse effect of reducing the woman's desire for intimacy because they feel pressured to do so.”

There’s nothing wrong with you, but your partner is basically creating the exact situation that is a massive turn off for you by putting this pressure on you, therefore what you used to enjoy now feels like a performance or a chore. I also wonder whether you are given sexual pleasure by him, or whether the sex is mainly about him orgasming whether you do or not.

This won’t solve your problem, but it will point you towards a possible way forward (if your partner is willing to learn).

Op, what do up know about his relationship history, independently rather than from him?

You knew him 2 years before marrying which isn't that long and he could be the type of man who always devalues his partner after a short period of time. How did he treat you initially? Were you adored and idealised and a sense of being soul mates but once married the criticisms have crept in?

Cut your losses and divorce ASAP.

@FunTimes2020

OP, at best he is selfish and unkind. Cut your losses now, rather than look back in 10, 20 or 30 years time and regret that you didn't leave the prick. He will not get any better, and you deserve more

this with big fat bloomin bells on. 🌸

If my husband told me I was a crap wife who was possibly making him suicidal I'd laugh in his face and tell him that at least it would save me a job.

But he wouldn't ever say something like that to me because he isn't a crap husband: we love and respect each other.

The fact that your his 3rd wife says a lot. But the biggest take away from that is it's 99% likely to be him not you.