Pressured into being a 'good' wife who has sex

[Keeleyls]

I'm looking for some advice and support. Apologies if I ramble but I'm very upset and been crying.

Just background. I've been with my husband 3 years, married one year. I know that he wants more sex than me (once a week at the moment as it's tricky to find the time).
This morning we woke up and he was very off/cold with me. It of course upset me and I asked what was wrong. He said nothing, which was rubbish. I left him to it until I asked for the 4th time and he said this...
We don't have enough sex, that I constantly use excuses and that he feels unloved and rejected by me.
In the mornings I can be groggy due to anxiety meds I take before bed. Also last week I had a migraine and felt sick and today I woke up with a headache (perhaps dehydration). I feel like death but also know if I say I need to get out of bed my husband instantly says when are you coming back.
Because I know he wants sex.

I know that what he is saying is have water and you better come back (because he wants sex). I feel so stressed dealing with a migraine and also having to come back to bed to have sex with him.

The argument we had this morning he said he can't tell his wife anything that he's just showing how much he loves me (wanting sex) and that no wonder people are suicidal if they can't tell their wife anything like feeling rejected and that I don't listen and don't show love.

He believes the migraine/headaches are an excuse. They are not.

I ended up sobbing and he just told me how I'm basically a crap wife because I reject him and don't show affection.
I am really affectionate but not when I feel sick from a migraine.

I now feel pressure to have sex with him. I cannot understand his perspective at all.
I don't trust him and I don't want to be around him. I feel like I don't know him.

Is this common? I know it's not healthy but my husband genuinely believes I am at fault and being unloving, difficult and cold.

I don't know what to do. I'm utterly shocked. I find it extremely manipulative.

And sorry but third marriage... and he's only 45?
Yes, I'll judge.

@Perpetuallybaffled

Of course the more he pushes the more he'll push you away.

Generally, women need to feel loved and respected to have sex.

This!

What a vile and manipulative cretin.

This is his third marriage

I'm not surprised. He sounds awful

My exH was exactly the same. In the end I just used to tell him to fuck off and lump it if I wasn't in the mood. I have no time for this crap.
I'm glad he's gone now, it was exhausting, where to they get the idea that sex is their God given right?

How does the bastard show YOU love and affection? You're sick and this is how he treats you? My god this is his THIRD marriage? Jesus Christ how was that not a red flag for you?l

Thanks for all the replies. Very very helpful.
I'm not sure how I made it sound but it seems I come off as cold and unaffectionate. The thing is I'm not. I'm really loving, affection and tactile.
But all of a sudden that's all forgotten because I didn't want sex.

The poster who said when they get a migraine their husband get them cold pack etc resonated as I feel uncomfortable even telling my husband or getting out of bed because it'll turn into an argument.

Our sex life has always been a few times a week, once a week when we're both busy.

Personally I think he doesn't want to be with me because I don't fullfil him and he's frustrated and angry he married me.

If he genuinely wanted to say he felt rejected and unloved then the way to do it isn't to ignore me, be off with me so I haven't a clue what going on then tell me I'm a crap wife who'll possibly make him suicidal if I don't listen or have sex

I'd leave him. Sounds like you would be a lot happier.

@Keeleyls

Thanks for your replies. I feel so upset because I'm, according to him, a crap wife and it's not just because I don't feel.like sex when he does but all the other things he listed. I was sobbing and he told me no wonder people end up suicidal if their wife doesn't listen and you can't go to her. I just can't understand how viewpoint and because of this he now feels suicidal.

I've tied to reason with and he says I never listen etc

This is his third marriage, first (and last for me) and I hate to think it but sometimes I secretly think he's the flawed one.
He ALWAYS ALWAYS thinks he's right and I'm wrong and silly etc

Sorry for the ranting. I now have to see friends so putting on a brave face.

He’s manipulative and dishonest and his “opinion”is therefore worthless.

He is saying these things to you to pressure you into compliance. Don’t feel hurt, feel angry. This doesn’t sound anything like a healthy marriage. You might need to decide that you deserve better and get out.

@Keeleyls

Personally I think he doesn't want to be with me because I don't fullfil him and he's frustrated and angry he married me.

If he genuinely wanted to say he felt rejected and unloved then the way to do it isn't to ignore me, be off with me so I haven't a clue what going on then tell me I'm a crap wife who'll possibly make him suicidal if I don't listen or have sex

No you’re right. That’s not communication behaviour, it’s bullying behaviour.

How long has he been like this?

“it's not just because I don't feel.like sex when he does but all the other things he listed.”

What other things?

OP, this is very hurtful for you, obviously. However, all you’re going to get in here is a load of people, who don’t remotely know you or your husband or the wider context, to tell you to LTB.

I don’t know your husband either, obviously. It may well be he’s a manipulative bastard. I don’t know. But it does sound like today’s outburst was the result of feelings that have been building up for some time. It’s not only about you having a migraine and not wanting sex on this one occasion.

This is why I’m asking what else he has told you he’s unhappy about. Only he knows - nobody on MN can tell you this.

I think you need to sit him down and tell him how shocked you are by the things he has said. Ask him what his expectations actually are. You can’t meet expectations if you don’t even know what these are. It could be he is stressed about something else, like work perhaps?

Maybe he is a total wanker, but the fact is, you married him and you can’t just fall at the first hurdle without even trying to understand what he’s saying and who and trying to compromise somewhere.

My husband has a very high sex drive too, This is actually very common in marriages and every relationship has to navigate different expectations or periods of mismatch to some extent. If you can’t communicate effectively, resentment will build up and he will lash out as he has today.

So hear him out, in the first instance (when he has calmed down). Then go from there.

Fuck me 3 marriages and hes only 45! Believe me you are not the one at fault here thats for damn sure.If you dont feel well ,you dont feel well, end of. This kind of sexual bullying ,is an insidious way of making you feel bad and like a bad wife.He thinks you will succumb to this and feel you should be having Sex.It smacks of sexual coercion ,even rape to me.I think you may have to leave him TBH.I dont say LTB on here very often either!

Did you see the thread the other day about the woman married to a rapist?
It’s horrific that you think this is normal or acceptable.

If you’re not good enough he needs to go and find someone who will shag him senseless, so you can be left in peace.

The other things he’s listed seem to include you not listening to him when he tells you he wants more sex and you not being affectionate and caring towards him by having sex. Was there anything else he thinks you’re lacking?

@zara40 did you miss the part where OP is afraid to get out of bed in the morning to get water because it will start an argument? This is not a man to sit down and talk about his emotional fucking needs. He’s an entitled prick who is making her life a misery by putting his dick front and centre in their marriage while ignoring her physical, medical and emotional needs.

And my DP has a high sex drive too. He’d do it morning and night most days if he could. Instead he sorts himself out if he needs to, and still manages to be a decent man and get me painkillers and cups of tea if I need them rather than sexual coercion.

kick him to the curb, why would you want to stay with him?

@DinosaurDiana

If you’re not good enough he needs to go and find someone who will shag him senseless, so you can be left in peace.

he's such a lovely man, I'm sure they'll be queuing up, he'll bag himself two twenty year old lovelies in no time at all 🤣🤣🤣

He sounds manipulative and terrible. No wonder his other wives ditched him.

Once a week isn't deprived at all.

Sounds like his idea of a wife is someone who only thinks of his wants and needs, while he also only thinks of his wants and needs.

his idea of a wife is someone who only thinks of his wants and needs, while he also only thinks of his wants and needs
yup!
nice & simple, just like he is😂

Not very helpful OP but I’ve worked with a quite a few men who were on to their third (and in one case fourth) marriage. They were all self absorbed needy tossers at work (where their behaviour was in theory subject to professional codes of conduct.).Couldn’t imagine how awful they would be to live with.
But yes other posters are right, talk things through with OH first and see whether there’s anything fixable. You must have enjoyed each other’s company at first? If you can’t compromise best walk away as he won’t change aged 45.