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Relationships

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Original poster

Pressured into being a 'good' wife who has sex

88 replies

Keeleyls · 12/06/2021 11:12

I'm looking for some advice and support. Apologies if I ramble but I'm very upset and been crying.

Just background. I've been with my husband 3 years, married one year. I know that he wants more sex than me (once a week at the moment as it's tricky to find the time).
This morning we woke up and he was very off/cold with me. It of course upset me and I asked what was wrong. He said nothing, which was rubbish. I left him to it until I asked for the 4th time and he said this...
We don't have enough sex, that I constantly use excuses and that he feels unloved and rejected by me.
In the mornings I can be groggy due to anxiety meds I take before bed. Also last week I had a migraine and felt sick and today I woke up with a headache (perhaps dehydration). I feel like death but also know if I say I need to get out of bed my husband instantly says when are you coming back.
Because I know he wants sex.

I know that what he is saying is have water and you better come back (because he wants sex). I feel so stressed dealing with a migraine and also having to come back to bed to have sex with him.

The argument we had this morning he said he can't tell his wife anything that he's just showing how much he loves me (wanting sex) and that no wonder people are suicidal if they can't tell their wife anything like feeling rejected and that I don't listen and don't show love.

He believes the migraine/headaches are an excuse. They are not.

I ended up sobbing and he just told me how I'm basically a crap wife because I reject him and don't show affection.
I am really affectionate but not when I feel sick from a migraine.

I now feel pressure to have sex with him. I cannot understand his perspective at all.
I don't trust him and I don't want to be around him. I feel like I don't know him.

Is this common? I know it's not healthy but my husband genuinely believes I am at fault and being unloving, difficult and cold.

I don't know what to do. I'm utterly shocked. I find it extremely manipulative.

OP posts:

Looneytune253 · 12/06/2021 12:09

It sounds like there's been a breakdown in communication here and I can see he is acting unreasonably but also could it be more about the affection and not necessarily about sex as much. If he's genuinely feeling rejected as there's not a lot of kissing and cuddling I can see why that might make someone feel rejected over time. If it is only about sex with him tho he is completely being unreasonable. I think you need to have a calm chat at a calm time and chat about what you both need to get your intimacy on track perhaps

timeisnotaline · 12/06/2021 12:10

@CirqueDeMorgue

End it. After 3 years you should both be wanting sex whenever possible.

This is … a joke. She had a migraine. I don’t have sex when feeling miserable and nor do many people. This whole comment is ridiculous.

But the op is better off without him!

sunnyblackwidow · 12/06/2021 12:10

You talk a lot about him 'wanting' sex, as if it's something you don't want or enjoy?

The right question to ask here is why you don't want sex, why is it tricky to find the time? (because it's not a priority to you?)

Regardless of his feeling, or how upset he is about this, it's your feelings here that you need to examine - you don't sound like you want sex it or enjoy it?

Of course he should respect that, but was it always this way, have you enjoyed sex more in the past, was your sex life more frequent before has something changed?

I don't think it's unreasonable to want to enjoy sex several times a week with the person you're in love with - but we all have different needs and expectations and yours and his are very different.

sunnyblackwidow · 12/06/2021 12:12

I agree with PP, three years in and most couples are ripping their clothes off at every opportunity (obviously not in the throes of a migraine though!)

denverRegina · 12/06/2021 12:14

"I agree with PP, three years in and most couples are ripping their clothes off at every opportunity (obviously not in the throes of a migraine though!)"

So not at every opportunity then? What is the point of your post and how do you know what most couples are doing?

CirqueDeMorgue · 12/06/2021 12:25

@timeisnotaline where did i say everyone should want sex when they're miserable? I said 'whenever possible.' Once a week is shit 3 years in. They're obviously not compatible hence my saying 'end it.'

Greenrubber · 12/06/2021 12:41

@Keeleyls

How often did yous have sex before you were married?

CallmeHendricks · 12/06/2021 12:46

Hmm. 2 wives already have left him, you say?

MarshmallowAra · 12/06/2021 12:51

Third marriage for him?

Says it all.

Disneydoll12 · 12/06/2021 13:00

A nice man doesn't accuse women of being the reason men kill themselves. The absolute nerve of him.

He needs to address his own issues, his expectations of women and the reasons why he has had 2 maybe even 3 failed marriages and he is only 45!

You are entitled to say no to sex any time you want to.

Pewpew · 12/06/2021 13:02

Why the hell would he think that its ok to have sex with soMeone who is ill and doesnt want it?

Shoxfordian · 12/06/2021 13:05

He sounds like a knob
You’re not the one at fault here

I was hungover this morning, had a headache, didn’t feel like sex so we didn’t have it. Husband still lovely to me because that’s not the only thing he values me for

thelegohooverer · 12/06/2021 13:05

Please ignore the judgements on how often you have or want sex.

Sex is an important expression of love and intimacy in a relationship but so too is not having sex when your partner isn’t able for it.

So many factors affect sex in a long term relationship. Just from personal experience we’ve had pregnancy issues, childbirth, medication reactions, IBS, sickness, sleepless children, ptsd rape trauma, peri menopause, injury, and stress exhaustion. (That list covers both of us)

When I have a migraine, my dh brings me a cold pack, closes the curtains carefully to avoid cracks of lights and bribed the dc with iPads and Mac Donald’s to keep quiet. That’s an expression of love.

I have absolutely no idea whether you are cold and unaffectionate, but your dh’s behaviour is certainly falling short.

sometimescharlottesometimesnot · 12/06/2021 13:06

ugh..He sounds horrible

5475878237NC · 12/06/2021 13:10

This relationship isn't working. It could be that he hoped you'd want more regular sex after you for married and is now directing anger at himself to you for his own foolish assumptions. There does seem to be more to this. Either way it doesn't sound like you are right together.

QioiioiioQ · 12/06/2021 13:10

He is hinting that he might kill himself because you won't have sex with him?
(You should be so lucky)

Grellbunt · 12/06/2021 13:11

@MarshmallowAra

Third marriage for him?

Says it all.

Exactly

LTB asap. Before you get pregnant!!

(I am obviously assume you don't have children with him already - and even then it's still LTB)

MondayYogurt · 12/06/2021 13:11

Wish him luck on his 4th marriage.

sunnyzweibrucken · 12/06/2021 13:14

Gross. Men making their dicks a priority as usual. He sounds like a nasty uncaring man

QioiioiioQ · 12/06/2021 13:14

He's punishing you for what his previous partner did. Tell him you've decided to take a vow of celibacy and so naturally he will want to end the relationship now, oh such a shame never mind goodbye and have a nice life🚢

cansu · 12/06/2021 13:17

Tell him he is a rubbish husband who tries to coerce his wife into sex! All this good wife stuff is bullshit. What on earth does that even mean??

WornOutWorm · 12/06/2021 13:19

Do you want sex with him of you do you both need to talk, if you don’t then you to have a different conversation. It’s a two way situation and you need to be honest about sex , what you like, if he’s doing anything you don’t want him to do that kind of thing

MarkRuffaloCrumble · 12/06/2021 13:25

So trying to coerce you into sex you don’t want (rape) and then implying he might commit suicide because you’re not changing your mind when he moans about it? What a prince.

Honestly, just leave. This is not a good man. If my DP wants sex and I don’t (for ANY reason) he’ll say let’s just have a cuddle then and we get close that way.

No man has ever felt the need to commit suicide because his wife wouldn’t have sex with him often enough. What an absolute bell end he is.

The rewriting of history smacks of another woman, but at this stage it might just be a wandering eye. But make no mistake, you will end up having to have sex you don’t want (rape) or he will have an affair and blame you for it. Sexually incontinent prick. You can do better, like all his other wives.

TheLeadbetterLife · 12/06/2021 13:26

Yeah it’s him not you, he sounds horrible. Agree with pp that he’ll probably move on to a fourth wife (and add you to the roster of women whose fault it was that his previous marriages failed - in his warped mind).

Utter bollocks re: couples ripping each other’s clothes off after three years too. Everyone’s different. For me the ripping clothes off phase lasts 6 months to a year.

Don’t let this man or these pp get in your head OP. You’re not a “bad wife” (horrible concept anyway, like there’s a template or a manual or something, smacks of vassals and servitude).

TheVanguardSix · 12/06/2021 13:26

He sounds unbearable. Believe me, my vagina would freeze over with a husband like yours.
Yep. It's done.

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