I don't know what to make of this. Is DP a dick or is my sister being ott.

[PigBiscuit]

Today my sister said it really irritates her how my boyfriend openly flirts with my best friend on facebook. I can see the comments, they don't bother me. My DD chimed in and said when we went out for dinner this week she caught him looking at my bestfriends boobs. I have to admit, I don't really care about either. It just doesn't bother me, men look at other women and she is an attractive woman she also had a top on that had hearts on the nipples so it does grab your attention. I am a pretty laid back person and i feel that both my boyfriend and best friend are more aware than anyone else the hardships I have experienced over the years especially with my ex and I genuinely trust my boyfriend. I don't think he would cheat on me and I don't think either one would intentionally hurt me.......but maybe I am too trusting? Maybe they have just become a bit too familiar with one another? Maybe I am totally naïve and there is something going on? I was just happy that they got on and we all hang out together and its really easy and laid back, my bezzie hated my ex and it caused loads fo arguemtns. I feel like this has made me question everything. Less so about my boyfriend/bestfriend and more so about me. I am just judging everything and going over every convo I've had with my best friend recently.
My boyfriend is a pretty flirty person, he has always been this way. It was actually one of the things I like about him most, he is funny and silly and loves attention from anyone- that however doesn't = a cheat and he has never given me any reason to not trust him. He is just a super friendly person.
I am 6 months pregnant so feeling pretty self conscious about the way I look and these comments have knocked me for 6. My best friend is very pretty, confident and well put together so equally next to her I look homeless, I scrub up ok but I don't tend to make much effort with my day to day appearance- she always looks pristine. Every time I tried to explain stuff or give more context to my sister I just made things worse. I just sat there in a room whilst everyone else tore my relationship apart and right now I feel empty and alone. Dsis made me feel like I obviously don't have any self respect. Said if her DP did the same he's lop his man hood off with a knife......those kind of joyus comments. My boyfriend and I don't have a conventional relationship- we don't live together so have he stays here part of the week and at his the rest. People don't get it. We have been together many years. But it works for us and he plans to move in before the baby arrives. Others have always been very critical of this.
The 2 people I would usually turn to and talk things through with are out of bounds because they are the accused and I am sat here crying.

Yesterday I waddled out of tesco with the weekly shop thinking how lucky I am. How life is finally coming together. I felt particularly lucky to have my boyfriend and my best friend and now I just feel stupid. I think if my sister and DD see their comments on facebook and are making these judgements then what the hell does the rest of the world think?
I wonder if I am just unlovable. My ex damaged me so much. I don't really know what a healthy relationship looks like. I thought what me and my boyfriend had was good but maybe I am deluded.
Equally it feels like every time I am happy someone wants to come along and shit of my party. I feel like shutting myself off from everyone and just doing my own thing because other people just let me down and hurt me constantly and right now I have no resilience to any of it.

I don't think my sister should have made any comments in front of DD. And now DD wants to say something to my boyfriend, I told her that is fine but not to drag me into it. I just don't know how to deal with this. I don't know how to feel or what to do. It has really upset me. I don't even know which part has upset me. I am just sick of my life constantly being picked apart by others equally now I am questioning if I am just totally stupid.

What does your best friends partner say when your boyfriend is staring at her tits?

How old is your dd?

Difficult to say really as everyone will have their own opinion on this. For me personally I think that if someone is in a relationship then it is disrespectful for them to be openly flirting or ogling other people. It gives me the ick and I'd honestly dump my OH if he was like that but sounds like you're ok with it?
When I read your post my first thoughts were that he's one of those creeps that makes women cringe but could just be me 🤷🏼‍♀️

I guess really it's all about how YOU feel about it at the end of the day

Your partner doesn't seem to respect you much if he does this openly in front of you.

Your daughter is aware of your boyfriend staring at other women’s breasts? Yuck yuck yuck

I mean, that in its own isn’t LTB territory but it’s rather cringe inducing.

It's hard to tell without knowing the kind of thing that is said but if he genuinely is staring at her boobs and flirting to an extent that others, including you, have noticed, then I think he sounds very disrespectful. It doesn't mean he is cheating on you with her (what made you suspect it had gone that far?), but certainly his behaviour is poor. Staring at someone's boobs is really disrespectful regardless of whether you're spoken for, even worse when you are.

Sorry op if my boyfriend was ogling someone else’s breasts to the extent that my daughter noticed I would be livid. Even if he isn’t a cheat that’s just cringy, disrespectful behaviour.

@ragingbullsh

Difficult to say really as everyone will have their own opinion on this. For me personally I think that if someone is in a relationship then it is disrespectful for them to be openly flirting or ogling other people. It gives me the ick and I'd honestly dump my OH if he was like that but sounds like you're ok with it? When I read your post my first thoughts were that he's one of those creeps that makes women cringe but could just be me 🤷🏼‍♀️

I guess really it's all about how YOU feel about it at the end of the day

Totally agree. It's stems from this ridiculous idea that men are 'visual creatures' so can't help it, as though women walk around with their eyes shut. Show some bloody self restraint, especially in front of your partner, fgs!

That, coupled with them being openly flirty with each other on a public forum, would be enough for me to give him the boot. Sorry, OP, but he sounds like a loser. If other people have noticed, it seems like neither he nor your best friend have any respect for you.

What sort of things do they say to each other on Facebook?

Your boyfriend sounds like a fucking creep. Does he really not understand how unacceptable it is to openly flirt anyone, nevermind with your partner's best friend? Then there's the blatant staring at breasts? Gross. Raise your standards.

My best friend doesn't have a partner at the mo.

DD is 13

I didn't see him staring at her boobs, this was what DD said and when she brought it up with him he said he was looking at her top.

He isn't the kind of guy that oggles women, like if we are walking down a street and he saw an attractive woman he wouldn't turn and look at them. He doesn't make letchy comments and things like that and has loads of friends who are girls and is very well respected in his circle. Equally gets on well with the partners of his female friends which if he was a creep I don't think he would. I might have my blinkers on, but I just seem him as a bit immature and silly but everyone's mate. Not a perve if that makes sense.

I disagree with most of the comments here.

I think flirting is fine tbh, you know your boyfriend and best friend better then anyone, if they were awkward together it would be more of a cheating sign.

In my previous relationship me and ex boyfriend used to flirt with each others mates, it didn't mean anything and we all found it funny. My now h flirted with my best mates dm the other week at a bbq, its harmless and funny.

Don't let other peoples opinions influence your relationship if you are happy, genuinely happy, with the status quo.

BTW my best friend has fake boobs, tattoos and always is well groomed, I'm not and don't look like her at all. My only grooming is eyebrows and the odd fake tan - I couldn't give a shit if previous partners or now h oogled her, she likes being oogled, thats her personality, it doesn't mean any of them wanted to or cheated on me with her.

Sorry forgot to add - my now h doesn't like me flirting with his friends or male friends. So I don't as a respect thing as it makes him feel uncomfortable, but my natural personality is to be flirty but not ott with it.

OP - I am not sore why your sister felt the need to make you feel bad, especially given that you are pregnant and clearly also have access to FB.
What is flirty to sown people - can be just banter/teasing to others. And it’s all in a pubic open forum on FB. Not like he is sneaking around and flirting with people.
I find that among friends you know for a long time and feel comfortable with - one can say things others may misconstrue.
And as to nice boobs in a tight top with heats on the nipples - I get whet you mean. I’d stare at them most likely while sitting next to her. I’d probably even joke about it too in a good natured way. And I am straight.

OP - if it bothers you and makes you feel emotional - just mention it to your bf. I doubt it that he is doing anything to hurt you and you sound like you have a nice and relaxed relationship. Don’t spoil it because some over-anxious or over-vigilant people around you said something.
Your sister talking about cutting her bf’s balls off over comments on FB sounds nuts.
You sound sensible.

Good luck with the baby!

See your friend separately to him.

Observe him, see how he behaves when you're with friends whose partners ARE there. See if he flirts with them too.

Does he make flirty facebook comments to the women friends he has that have partners? Or just your single friend?

I think without knowing any examples of what’s been posted on Social media, it’s hard for anybody to judge the situation.

If you believe the evolutionary science that men are naturally instinctively attracted to parts on a female body subconsciously, looking at a pair of tits isnt a big deal.

If he is funny and silly and you like that about him if he is a "people pleaser" which is different to flirting. then it isnt a big deal.

Your sister sounds like a bigger problem in your life than your partner.

Firstly, whatever they do together is not because of you. You are not unlovable. You are worthy of respect, care and attention. We all are. So whenever you think 'What's wrong with me, that he behaves like that,' catch yourself on. It's not you, it's him.

You say, 'Right now I have no resilience'. True. You're very pregnant and it does that to people. You know you are vulnerable in your present state. But it will pass. The baby will come and your inner tigress will appear.

Here is my advice, as someone who knows nothing about anything but will give it a go. Don't have him move in. Don't let him. Don't even let him stay a few days. Make an excuse, if you don't want to go through all the emotional turmoil of showing him he is actually a fucking creep and it's been brought to your attention. Focus on staying well, being ready for the baby. Cosy up your dd. Then after the baby arrives, give it a few weeks. In the time before and after the birth, keep the 'friend' and him at arms' length.

See how it turns out. It might be what you fear, it might not. But you and your dd and your baby can be happy anyway.

What are the flirty comments he puts on FB?

I don't feel any way threatened by how he behaves with my best friend in front of me, I have never felt uncomfortable. I think they are just comfortable in one another's company and get along. It was just suddenly being pounced on when I wasn't expecting it that threw me massively and upset me by my sister.
DD got angry at the beginning of the year with DP and said he was flirting with my friend when she came over for dinner. I was in the same room the whole time and never felt that way or uncomfortable. They laugh and joke in the same way that me and my best friend do. He fits in really well with us which I love.

I have gone and looked at some of the FB comments and again DP has a very weird sense of humour, some people get it, some people don't (not a pervy sense of humour, a genuinely weird kind of dry humour that sometimes I have to get him to explain). I can see why it might be misconstrued, she is also angry that he put x on the end of some of his comments to my friend on fb. Again that doesn't bother me. She had an awful break up last year and I think he tries to be nice to her and has made an effort with her as she has been spending more time with us since her split.
With regards to his other girl friends on FB I haven't noticed anything that would bother me. He is just a friendly guy.

I will add since I have been pregnant DP has stepped up and really taken care of me and the kids. When I had awful morning sickness I was bed ridden for weeks/a couple of months and he took on everything in the house so I could rest and get on with WFH. He has spent a hell of a lot of money on my house helping me finish things off so he can move in and so it's all ready for the baby. I think he is a great guy and I have been super excited for our next chapter, I am just all over the place with hormones at the moment and these comments really upset me.

To be honest it sounds like they were pretty brutal to you, I mean I wouldn’t want to upset you at 6 months pregnant by telling what a prick your boyfriend and the father of your unborn baby is, I can imagine it was a horrible shock for you.
I think you should tell your boyfriend and if he’s a decent guy he’ll offer to immediately cut out the flirting- at the very least on public forums.
If he doesn’t then maybe you have your answer and he really is a dickhead? Most kind men would be horrified their behaviour had cause to humiliate and upset you, particularly when you are so vulnerable.

What does your 13 year old think about him moving in?

this is the other thing. I don't see the comments as flirting.....they are literally having a joke with one another. I think if I said anything to either of them they would be gutted that I had come to that conclusion. But my sister see's the comments differently. They literally like and comment on one anothers posts and make jokey comments......that is what is being classed as flirting.

Sorry I found it difficult to get past the hearts on the nipples?

It’s all a bit cringey. For you too I imagine. Cringey is when people take things too far and inappropriate behaviour. You don’t really need that. You just need security.