I don't know what to make of this. Is DP a dick or is my sister being ott.

[PigBiscuit]

Today my sister said it really irritates her how my boyfriend openly flirts with my best friend on facebook. I can see the comments, they don't bother me. My DD chimed in and said when we went out for dinner this week she caught him looking at my bestfriends boobs. I have to admit, I don't really care about either. It just doesn't bother me, men look at other women and she is an attractive woman she also had a top on that had hearts on the nipples so it does grab your attention. I am a pretty laid back person and i feel that both my boyfriend and best friend are more aware than anyone else the hardships I have experienced over the years especially with my ex and I genuinely trust my boyfriend. I don't think he would cheat on me and I don't think either one would intentionally hurt me.......but maybe I am too trusting? Maybe they have just become a bit too familiar with one another? Maybe I am totally naïve and there is something going on? I was just happy that they got on and we all hang out together and its really easy and laid back, my bezzie hated my ex and it caused loads fo arguemtns. I feel like this has made me question everything. Less so about my boyfriend/bestfriend and more so about me. I am just judging everything and going over every convo I've had with my best friend recently.
My boyfriend is a pretty flirty person, he has always been this way. It was actually one of the things I like about him most, he is funny and silly and loves attention from anyone- that however doesn't = a cheat and he has never given me any reason to not trust him. He is just a super friendly person.
I am 6 months pregnant so feeling pretty self conscious about the way I look and these comments have knocked me for 6. My best friend is very pretty, confident and well put together so equally next to her I look homeless, I scrub up ok but I don't tend to make much effort with my day to day appearance- she always looks pristine. Every time I tried to explain stuff or give more context to my sister I just made things worse. I just sat there in a room whilst everyone else tore my relationship apart and right now I feel empty and alone. Dsis made me feel like I obviously don't have any self respect. Said if her DP did the same he's lop his man hood off with a knife......those kind of joyus comments. My boyfriend and I don't have a conventional relationship- we don't live together so have he stays here part of the week and at his the rest. People don't get it. We have been together many years. But it works for us and he plans to move in before the baby arrives. Others have always been very critical of this.
The 2 people I would usually turn to and talk things through with are out of bounds because they are the accused and I am sat here crying.

Yesterday I waddled out of tesco with the weekly shop thinking how lucky I am. How life is finally coming together. I felt particularly lucky to have my boyfriend and my best friend and now I just feel stupid. I think if my sister and DD see their comments on facebook and are making these judgements then what the hell does the rest of the world think?
I wonder if I am just unlovable. My ex damaged me so much. I don't really know what a healthy relationship looks like. I thought what me and my boyfriend had was good but maybe I am deluded.
Equally it feels like every time I am happy someone wants to come along and shit of my party. I feel like shutting myself off from everyone and just doing my own thing because other people just let me down and hurt me constantly and right now I have no resilience to any of it.

I don't think my sister should have made any comments in front of DD. And now DD wants to say something to my boyfriend, I told her that is fine but not to drag me into it. I just don't know how to deal with this. I don't know how to feel or what to do. It has really upset me. I don't even know which part has upset me. I am just sick of my life constantly being picked apart by others equally now I am questioning if I am just totally stupid.

@FlaviaAlbiaWantsLangClegBack

I've told DD if she is upset then she should let him know so perhaps I will see what he says to that and talk to him this evening.

This seems a lot to put on a 13 year old girl. If you're not comfortable raising it yourself it's not fair to expect her to do it.

Quite. You're her mother. You are supposed to have her back/protect her, not make her do the job herself.

It's bonkers that a few PPs are insisting the sleazy behaviour is acceptable. No, it's not.

I'd ask dd if there is anything she needs to make her more comfortable with moving dp in. Lock on bedroom door, bathroom door? Is she getting hassle from the lads at school - upskirting, groping, comments she can't handle? Is she worried about more of the same at home?

Doodle just because you think OPs DP is a sleeve doesn't mean he is or that she's excusing him because she's pregnant. Your comment was mean and unnecessary.

Ignore the haters. It’s usually jealously that starts those conversations! They probably feel jealous that you are the way you are!

One of the ‘haters’ is the op’s 13 year old daughter. Who is going to have this man moving into her home soon.

You know your best friend, if she's attractive men will look, and so will your DP! It's even more likely if she's got a top on with two hearts covering her nipples on it. If she's single, she may be hoping to catch the eye of males... That doesn't mean she's dressing in such a way to lure away your DP.

By all means wear it when you're clubbing, down the pub or wherever if you are wanting to attract male attention. But honestly, who wears a provocative top like that when you are going out to dinner with your pregnant friend, her DP, her sister and your friend's 13-year-old DD?

I wouldn't and don't get jealous but I wouldn't want my DH flirting and blatantly staring at people boobs. I wouldn't like it because it's a sleezy.

Don't get your DD to be the messenger. She's 13. That's not right

Wow @Nocutenamesleft you're really not like other girls!

Big cool girl energy right there. I'm sure your DH loves it. It means he has to pay you zero respect and give not a hoot about what you think.

And 'haters'? Like the OP's 13 year old DD? Yeah, I'm sure she's just jealous.

I think its a bit of a jump to go from DD saying he looked at someone's boobs to basically insinuating that DP is a threat to her/her needing a lock on her door etc. She wants him to move in. He has been in her life since she was tiny and she is literally counting down the days.
Without going into too much detail DD has had the worst few years of her life, DP has literally been her rock. Much more than me. He has attended every hospital appointment, meetings with schools etc. He has been loving and caring. He has helped her when she has been at her lowest and I feel incredibly lucky to have had him by my side whilst she has been going through this because I am not sure we would have come out the other end without him.
Equally the comment I made about her talking to him, she will say something to him regardless of what I say. I think it's important for her to have a voice in our household. This isn't so I don't have to deal with it myself, I intend to talk to DP too.

@Nocutenamesleft I am very similar. DP knows full well that if he cheated on me, I would be gone. But the same goes for me if I were to cheat on him. He is also a hopeless liar so I would know instantly if something was wrong.

It's really hard to comment, without you giving us an example to read.

What I would say though, is that my very best friend of many years shagged by then Husband, so you can never say never!

From what you’ve said I can’t see any major issues that would bother me as long as he wasn’t properly staring at her boobs like a creep. As a straight female if a female has a nice body part I find it hard not to look to be honest.
But I’d be concerned why your sister doesn’t like him so much. Is there something she knows which is why she’s so concerned!

@kurtney

Wow *@Nocutenamesleft* you're really not like other girls!

Big cool girl energy right there. I'm sure your DH loves it. It means he has to pay you zero respect and give not a hoot about what you think.

And 'haters'? Like the OP's 13 year old DD? Yeah, I'm sure she's just jealous.

Ha. If that’s what makes you feel better. Then you can say those things

I hope you have a wonderful weekend with lots of happy times ❤️

Daughter sorry.

*my not by!

Can you post one example that bothered your sister?

If you are happy with your boyfriend and trust him, I think you should ignore these comments. I think it is insensitive of people to bring this up when you are pregnant, which will no doubt make you feel more sensitive and vulnerable.

@PigBiscuit

I think its a bit of a jump to go from DD saying he looked at someone's boobs to basically insinuating that DP is a threat to her/her needing a lock on her door etc. She wants him to move in. He has been in her life since she was tiny and she is literally counting down the days. Without going into too much detail DD has had the worst few years of her life, DP has literally been her rock. Much more than me. He has attended every hospital appointment, meetings with schools etc. He has been loving and caring. He has helped her when she has been at her lowest and I feel incredibly lucky to have had him by my side whilst she has been going through this because I am not sure we would have come out the other end without him. Equally the comment I made about her talking to him, she will say something to him regardless of what I say. I think it's important for her to have a voice in our household. This isn't so I don't have to deal with it myself, I intend to talk to DP too.

@Nocutenamesleft I am very similar. DP knows full well that if he cheated on me, I would be gone. But the same goes for me if I were to cheat on him. He is also a hopeless liar so I would know instantly if something was wrong.

Hugs ❤️❤️❤️

Your daughter is very impressive. At her age to pull someone up on lecherous behaviour and to tell her mum when her partner is being a twat.

Ha. If that’s what makes you feel better. Then you can say those things

I hope you have a wonderful weekend with lots of happy times

It doesn't make me feel anything either way ☺️

Have a lovely weekend, hun. Enjoy those pick me vibes x

@kurtney

Ha. If that’s what makes you feel better. Then you can say those things

I hope you have a wonderful weekend with lots of happy times

It doesn't make me feel anything either way ☺️

Have a lovely weekend, hun. Enjoy those pick me vibes x

Oh yes. Looking forward to the sunshine!

Thank you. ❤️

OP, these are big changes in your life. Your dd will be wondering where she is in the grand scheme of things - new baby, partner moving in. She has had you to herself for large chunks of time. Where will she be in the pecking order now? And at 13 she may have other concerns in her life with the changes going on in her body.

I've told DD if she is upset then she should let him know so perhaps I will see what he says to that and talk to him this evening.

Don't do that - that's hugely inappropriate, and treating her like an adult with agency, when she is a child, noticing her mother's boyfriend being gross and disrespectful, TELLING you and being ignored.

At the very least, you need to have a chat with your boyfriend about modelling postive male values to your daughter, not skeevy ones, if he intends on moving in, because like it or not, he will be a model to your daughter of what man is like and how relationships are conducted.

You might be laid back, but MAYBE you are putting up with inappropriate behaviour that your daughter ought not put up with when she grows up, at least not until she learns how to accurately recognise a good, trustworthy man.

It doesn't really sound to me like your DP is a bad guy, particularly, but it's possible that he has taken your un-jealousy for granted, and you really have to pull this in before he starts being a model for your daughter. It's gross and inappropriate, but he MIGHT not entirely realise this and happily tighten up his action if you talk to him about it.

My lovely best friend has always been flirtatious, it's her personality and I wouldn't want her any other way. Her DH wore her down and after 20 years together he had an affair. BF was utterly broken and it took her nearly 2 years to start to act like herself again.
Weirdly friends that used to like her flirty personality now feel threatened by her and have commented on her chat when around their husbands. She just the same as she always was, but now she's single, people find her a threat.
I love that my bf and dh are good friends and laugh together, I don't feel threatened by their friendship.
I'm thinking that your bf and dp are similar to this and as far as I'm concerned, it's a good thing that you trust and feel secure in your relationships.
I might also add that a man at a cafe yesterday was wearing very tight trousers. He was serving us and was very close. Sometimes our eyes are drawn to these things no matter how much you try and look away.

F

@crosspelican

I've told DD if she is upset then she should let him know so perhaps I will see what he says to that and talk to him this evening.

Don't do that - that's hugely inappropriate, and treating her like an adult with agency, when she is a child, noticing her mother's boyfriend being gross and disrespectful, TELLING you and being ignored.

At the very least, you need to have a chat with your boyfriend about modelling postive male values to your daughter, not skeevy ones, if he intends on moving in, because like it or not, he will be a model to your daughter of what man is like and how relationships are conducted.

You might be laid back, but MAYBE you are putting up with inappropriate behaviour that your daughter ought not put up with when she grows up, at least not until she learns how to accurately recognise a good, trustworthy man.

It doesn't really sound to me like your DP is a bad guy, particularly, but it's possible that he has taken your un-jealousy for granted, and you really have to pull this in before he starts being a model for your daughter. It's gross and inappropriate, but he MIGHT not entirely realise this and happily tighten up his action if you talk to him about it.

I agree with this. Your daughter shouldn’t bear the responsibility of that. She’s told you in trust and respect.

You need to sort this out without your daughter being involved. I also think that she might be struggling. New baby etc can be a big upheaval for other children etc. Especially with a new partner.

I’d express your concerns alone to him and from you only

@crosspelican thanks, that was really constructive. I will talk to him and let him know that DD is upset about it and remind him like you say about positive modelling etc.
I am probably too relaxed and I don't know if I can actually change that, but like you say it wouldn't hurt to make it clear to DP that he could be more conscious of his behaviour however innocent his intentions.