Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

Feel I was set up

76 replies

unfairlysetup · 10/06/2021 11:42

Last weekend myself and my girlfriend had talked about maybe going to dinner on Friday night this week. Last night she casually asked me "We don't have to go to dinner Friday if you don't want to?". We are going on holidays on Sunday so I said "well I was wondering when I'd get time to pack", she immediately replied in a clearly annoyed stern tone "Well I'll find someone else to go out with Friday".

We are going on holidays on Sunday and will be eating out Sun ev so its not like we won't be eating out anytime soon.

I feel I was unfairly set up last night by the way she phrased and casually asked the question and then when I didn't give an answer she wanted she let me know her unhappiness with it straight away. Why ask the question if there is an unacceptable answer. If she had asked are you looking forward to dinner Friday, I probably would have said yes. Any thoughts?

OP posts:

notanotherusernameidea · 10/06/2021 11:43

Tell her she can stay home Friday and boil some bunnies?

Cabana21 · 10/06/2021 12:03

Sounds like she got the vibe you didn’t really want to go and that was her way of getting you to be honest about it.

category12 · 10/06/2021 12:13

Why can't you pack on Saturday?

Original poster

unfairlysetup · 10/06/2021 12:16

@Cabana21

Sounds like she got the vibe you didn’t really want to go and that was her way of getting you to be honest about it.

I'm ambivalent, I don't mind whether we go or not, as far as I was concerned we were still going. It was the way the question was phrased as if it was no big deal if we went or not nut it actually was a bug deal.

OP posts:

CharlotteRose90 · 10/06/2021 12:16

I think she realised you didn’t want to go so asked the question but was hoping you’d say yes. You can pack on Saturday for your trip away.

Dizzy1234 · 10/06/2021 12:17

Yep she's testing you and you failed.
Don't you realise that you should want to spend every second with her and second quess her every whim?
The hills are thata way, run!

FinallyHere · 10/06/2021 12:18

So when your GF goes to some trouble to not show what answer she would prefer, you feel as if you had been set up?

Interesting.

Original poster

unfairlysetup · 10/06/2021 12:20

@category12

Why can't you pack on Saturday?

I can but I have loads of other stuff to do around the house before i head off, and need to visit family, get a hair cut etc.... Point was it'd be handier if I was free Friday ev to tie up some other stuff i need to do before heading off for a week

OP posts:

LeafBeetle · 10/06/2021 12:20

Too much drama and game-playing going on here! You both need to work on your communication so that she says what she actually means and you don't feel victimised by what is probably a simple misunderstanding.

Original poster

unfairlysetup · 10/06/2021 12:23

@FinallyHere

So when your GF goes to some trouble to not show what answer she would prefer, you feel as if you had been set up?

Interesting.

Why ask the question casually and phrase it like that then if its not a free choice? It was a leading question i.e. "we don't have to go to dinner Friday if you don't want to" when in reality it was "I want to go to dinner Friday and if you don't say you do there will be trouble"

Interesting

OP posts:

Original poster

unfairlysetup · 10/06/2021 12:24

@Dizzy1234

Yep she's testing you and you failed. Don't you realise that you should want to spend every second with her and second quess her every whim? The hills are thata way, run!

I tend to agree - needless games.

OP posts:

Original poster

unfairlysetup · 10/06/2021 12:24

@CharlotteRose90

I think she realised you didn’t want to go so asked the question but was hoping you’d say yes. You can pack on Saturday for your trip away.

OP posts:

category12 · 10/06/2021 12:30

"we don't have to go to dinner Friday if you don't want to" isn't a much of a set up, tho.

It's blindingly obvious that the person wants you to say "no, no, I want to".

romdowa · 10/06/2021 12:37

The better question is, why didn't you just come out and say that you wanted to cancel dinner on Friday? She obviously could tell that you didn't want to go and felt she had to ask you to get a straight answer.

MMmomDD · 10/06/2021 12:39

Grow up? And learn to communicate in a relationship. Both of you…
The language you chose ‘being set up’ and the need to post his ‘incident’ on MN seem overdramatic.

As to the issue itself.

The trip on Sunday isn’t a surprise and it’s possible to fit in some packing during the week AND go out on Fri.
If you didn’t want to go out on Fri before traveling - fair enough. But you should have mentioned it when she brought it up a week ago.
It is also possible for her to go out and you to stay in on Fri without it being an issue.

Original poster

unfairlysetup · 10/06/2021 12:42

@romdowa

I didn't want to cancel it. I was happy to go. That's the point you seem to be missing, It was the way the question was phrased that made me think well maybe we won't go

OP posts:

Original poster

unfairlysetup · 10/06/2021 12:46

@category12

"we don't have to go to dinner Friday if you don't want to" isn't a much of a set up, tho.

It's blindingly obvious that the person wants you to say "no, no, I want to".

why is it blindingly obvious, when you are asked a a question I assume you are being asked a genuine question. Am i meant to anaylse ever question I'm asked and realise I'm not being asked a genuine question but have to make sure i give the correct blindingly obvious answer. It just smacks of playing games tor me and creating needless drama.

OP posts:

Original poster

unfairlysetup · 10/06/2021 12:47

@MMmomDD

Grow up? And learn to communicate in a relationship. Both of you… The language you chose ‘being set up’ and the need to post his ‘incident’ on MN seem overdramatic.

I didn't want to cancel it. I was happy to go. That's the point you seem to be missing, It was the way the question was phrased that made me think well maybe we won't go

OP posts:

MMmomDD · 10/06/2021 13:28

@unfairlysetup

Not missing anything.
But you need to think about why you needed to create a user name and post on a website for grown ups with this non-issue.

Original poster

unfairlysetup · 10/06/2021 13:35

[quote MMmomDD]@unfairlysetup

Not missing anything.
But you need to think about why you needed to create a user name and post on a website for grown ups with this non-issue.[/quote]
I think you are missing this

"I didn't want to cancel it. I was happy to go."

as you posted this

"f you didn’t want to go out on Fri before traveling - fair enough"

I thought this was an open forum where you were allowed ask relationship questions. Guess that's not allowed.

OP posts:

Frogcorset · 10/06/2021 13:42

You sound as though your level of thinking is very basic, OP. Wise up, maybe? Human beings aren’t like pizzas, with all their motivations, thoughts and feelings laid out like toppings. Consider that you might in fact have been making it extremely clear that in fact going out to dinner was an inconvenience, for instance, or that what your girlfriend said was in fact a way of expressing some unease about the relationship?

Wherearemymarbles · 10/06/2021 13:45

You need to learn to speak and understand woman.

It may well sound like English but its a completely different language……

For whatever reason she got the impression you weren’t that keen (you probably mentioned all the things to had to do on Saturday and how you’d be up all night packing)

So she gave you an out and you took it.

Correct reply would have been, yes I’d love to but if you’re not bothered, no probs as I can do my packing…

Frogcorset · 10/06/2021 13:46

@Wherearemymarbles

You need to learn to speak and understand woman.

It may well sound like English but its a completely different language……

For whatever reason she got the impression you weren’t that keen (you probably mentioned all the things to had to do on Saturday and how you’d be up all night packing)

So she gave you an out and you took it.

Correct reply would have been, yes I’d love to but if you’re not bothered, no probs as I can do my packing…

How do we know the OP isn’t a woman, one who’s a bit slow to pick up on conversational cues?

DinaofCloud9 · 10/06/2021 13:47

Set up? That sounds so childish. Just speak to her fgs.

MMmomDD · 10/06/2021 13:56

OP - yes, open forum. And this is why people here - older and with more experience with relationships are advising you to think about more than your fixed point of view.
You seem to want people to agree that you were ‘set up’, etc. And that your gf was in the wrong.

Relationships and people don’t work like that. You need to learn to communicate and not only see your point of view.
In my opinion - this is the main learning from this ‘relationship issue’.
And the fact that you seem to overanalyse and dwell on minor things.
Unless - of course, you aren’t telling us about lots of other instances or issues in your relationship.

Flip

1 2 3 4