Feel I was set up

[unfairlysetup]

Last weekend myself and my girlfriend had talked about maybe going to dinner on Friday night this week. Last night she casually asked me "We don't have to go to dinner Friday if you don't want to?". We are going on holidays on Sunday so I said "well I was wondering when I'd get time to pack", she immediately replied in a clearly annoyed stern tone "Well I'll find someone else to go out with Friday".

We are going on holidays on Sunday and will be eating out Sun ev so its not like we won't be eating out anytime soon.

I feel I was unfairly set up last night by the way she phrased and casually asked the question and then when I didn't give an answer she wanted she let me know her unhappiness with it straight away. Why ask the question if there is an unacceptable answer. If she had asked are you looking forward to dinner Friday, I probably would have said yes. Any thoughts?

For whatever reason she got the impression you weren’t that keen (you probably mentioned all the things to had to do on Saturday and how you’d be up all night packing)

If she did get that impression she could have thought "Oh yes, it is a bit of pressure that we don't need. I'll just ask and see what s/he says."

And then not got huffy with the answer.

@Frogcorset

You sound as though your level of thinking is very basic, OP. Wise up, maybe? Human beings aren’t like pizzas, with all their motivations, thoughts and feelings laid out like toppings. Consider that you might in fact have been making it extremely clear that in fact going out to dinner was an inconvenience, for instance, or that what your girlfriend said was in fact a way of expressing some unease about the relationship?

Except I didn't make it extremely clear that in fact going out to dinner was an inconvenience. I said last weekend we were going and it hasn't come up in conversation since, I don't live with my girlfriend so I wasn't mentioning it nor the fact I have a lot to do before going away until she asked me that question last night.

@MMmomDD

OP - yes, open forum. And this is why people here - older and with more experience with relationships are advising you to think about more than your fixed point of view. You seem to want people to agree that you were ‘set up’, etc. And that your gf was in the wrong.

Relationships and people don’t work like that. You need to learn to communicate and not only see your point of view.
In my opinion - this is the main learning from this ‘relationship issue’.
And the fact that you seem to overanalyse and dwell on minor things.
Unless - of course, you aren’t telling us about lots of other instances or issues in your relationship.

It's not the first time its happened, where i felt I was being asked a genuine question and then when I answered honestly it wasn't the right answer and there was hell to pay for it

How did the conversation end up, OP?

@Wherearemymarbles

You need to learn to speak and understand woman.

It may well sound like English but its a completely different language……

For whatever reason she got the impression you weren’t that keen (you probably mentioned all the things to had to do on Saturday and how you’d be up all night packing)

So she gave you an out and you took it.

Correct reply would have been, yes I’d love to but if you’re not bothered, no probs as I can do my packing…

Maybe I don't understand women. So are you saying that I need to analyse every question for clues to make sure i give the correct reply?

@MMmomDD

OP - yes, open forum. And this is why people here - older and with more experience with relationships are advising you to think about more than your fixed point of view. You seem to want people to agree that you were ‘set up’, etc. And that your gf was in the wrong.

Relationships and people don’t work like that. You need to learn to communicate and not only see your point of view.
In my opinion - this is the main learning from this ‘relationship issue’.
And the fact that you seem to overanalyse and dwell on minor things.
Unless - of course, you aren’t telling us about lots of other instances or issues in your relationship.

I appreciate that but there is a lot of incorrect assumptions being made in the replies. Since i said we would go to dinner last weekend it hasn't come up in conversation nor have I mentioned how much I had to do this weekend. I was quite happy to go until I was asked the question in a certain way last night which led me to believe I had a free choice. You may think I overanalyse and dwell on minor things but this has happened a few times where i felt I was being asked a genuine question and then when I answered honestly it wasn't the right answer and there was hell to pay for it

This person has shown you that she is capable of being a difficult girlfriend; I suggest you look elsewhere.

She sounds like hard work OP

Has this kind of thing happened before? How long have you been together?

In my experience this can become an extremely regular thing. Good luck.

Women are viscous hags who enjoy giving hell to poor wee innocent dinner-desiring men for the fun of toying with them and ruining holidays together. You think you have it bad how, wait until you're married and her web of set ups gets ever more intricate and cruel. No dinner today, no playstation, stag does or child access tomorrow. Is that what you want to hear OP?

I'm with you, she set you up. She asked you a question with a 'get out clause' which you agreed to. It could also easily have been interpreted by you as ' I don't really want to go but I'll ask OP so it's their decision'
Obviously she did want to go but is now blaming you.
Too much game playing.

Both of you need to learn to communicate and say what you need/want. Her question was loaded, your reply was arsey.

Oh fgs this is why I'm single, when she originally asked you what was wrong with saying, Id prefer not to as would rather get packing, cleaning and such and such done, let's just wait til Sunday.

On the other hand why she asked you a question insinuating it didn't matter what your preference was when it clearly did matter is beyond me.

This is the kind of shit I cannot tolerate any more. Bad communication.

You're not making sense. You said you were happy to go until she brought it up, at which point your response was 'well i was wondering when I would pack'. If you were happy to go why didn't you say 'no, I want to go to dinner'.

I doubt she'd have suggested not going if she hadn't got the vibe from you that you didn't want to go.
She sounds disappointed that your lack of planning means she has to make new plans for Friday, and probably that she had to get you to communicate that rather than telling her straight out.

Why were you waiting for an "out", instead of saying you'd rather not go?
You'd clearly rather not go!

And I was in a similar position just recently - my BF booked a weekend away without asking. As a surprise. When he initially asked about whether I'm happy to go, I said - yes. Very much so! But then the work started get busier, it was becoming clear I won't meet some deadlines unless I work that weekend.. So... I did the mature thing, had a conversation I didn't want to have, and told him I won't be going just few days before the trip. I wanted to disappear into the ground rather than spoil that lovely surprise but it had to be done for my own peace of mind.

Yeah, just pull your big boy pants on and speak up! Otherwise it's not you second-guessing, it's your girlfriend left second-guessing your enthusiasm levels.

@willsa

Why were you waiting for an "out", instead of saying you'd rather not go? You'd clearly rather not go!

And I was in a similar position just recently - my BF booked a weekend away without asking. As a surprise. When he initially asked about whether I'm happy to go, I said - yes. Very much so! But then the work started get busier, it was becoming clear I won't meet some deadlines unless I work that weekend.. So... I did the mature thing, had a conversation I didn't want to have, and told him I won't be going just few days before the trip. I wanted to disappear into the ground rather than spoil that lovely surprise but it had to be done for my own peace of mind.

Yeah, just pull your big boy pants on and speak up! Otherwise it's not you second-guessing, it's your girlfriend left second-guessing your enthusiasm levels.

When you say "You'd clearly rather not go!" this is incorrect. I did not mind whether I went or not. And when you say "Why were you waiting for an "out", instead of saying you'd rather not go" this is incorrect also as I did not mind whether I went or not.

For the nth time , i was happy to go. It was the way the question was asked that made me think well actually it probably would suit better if we postponed. This did not cross my mind nor did I drop any hints to that affect until I was asked the question in that manner last night.

@Palavah

You're not making sense. You said you were happy to go until she brought it up, at which point your response was 'well i was wondering when I would pack'. If you were happy to go why didn't you say 'no, I want to go to dinner'.

I doubt she'd have suggested not going if she hadn't got the vibe from you that you didn't want to go.
She sounds disappointed that your lack of planning means she has to make new plans for Friday, and probably that she had to get you to communicate that rather than telling her straight out.

Ok again i was happy to go. It was the way the question was asked that made me think well actually it probably would suit better if we postponed. This did not cross my mind nor did I drop any hints to that affect until I was asked the question in that manner last night.

OP, you're not making any sense, or at least not fully understanding the meaning of "happy to go". The way the language works "happy to go" means you're satisfied with the arrangements, even excited to part take. Any question of "you don't have to, if you don't want to" form is there to give you a chance to say "I don't want to". Which you did, you jumped at the chance to say you don't really want to go.
It's also completely normal for your girlfriend to be somewhat disappointed that you'd rather not go for a dinner with her. My BF was disappointed I had to cancel.

In the future, don't make any arrangements that you find unsuitable - it will allow you not to disappoint.

Are you generally very rigid with with your routines, find that you have to guesstimate what people think, employ lots of black or white thinking, think you're being honest but people view you as dead-pan and blunt?

@willsa

OP, you're not making any sense, or at least not fully understanding the meaning of "happy to go". The way the language works "happy to go" means you're satisfied with the arrangements, even excited to part take. Any question of "you don't have to, if you don't want to" form is there to give you a chance to say "I don't want to". Which you did, you jumped at the chance to say you don't really want to go. It's also completely normal for your girlfriend to be somewhat disappointed that you'd rather not go for a dinner with her. My BF was disappointed I had to cancel.

In the future, don't make any arrangements that you find unsuitable - it will allow you not to disappoint.

Are you generally very rigid with with your routines, find that you have to guesstimate what people think, employ lots of black or white thinking, think you're being honest but people view you as dead-pan and blunt?

Ok I think something is being lost in translation:

When I said last weekend I would go, I was happy to go, as I was yesterday. It was the way the question was phrased last night that made me think twice about it and answer as I did.

i did not make make arrangements that i found unsuitable and did not jump at the chance to say "I don't want to". If I had been asked "are you looking forward to dinner on Friday?" i probably would have said yes. It was the way the question was phrased and asked that made me think twice about it and think well maybe it would suit better if i didn't go and answer as such.

"It's also completely normal for your girlfriend to be somewhat disappointed that you'd rather not go for a dinner with her. My BF was disappointed I had to cancel. " - so you are saying its fine for her to snap at me when I answer what i thought was a genuine question. Am I meant to analyse every question from now on to make sure i give the correct answer and not get snapped at?

OP, in the nicest possible way, you don't really seem as if you're used to doing ordinary human communication stuff at anything more than the basic grunt and point stage. Which is maybe why your girlfriend used a 'clearly annoyed' tone. I mean, maybe you're different in person, but this thread is like pulling teeth...

And the whiny self-pitying thing about 'not giving the correct answer' is deeply unattractive and juvenile.

OP did you know your supposed to be psychic or know you were on a 'test'?

In your position I probably would have the same. In fact I probably would have thought they wasn't that arsed about going in the first place.

Some of the replies on here are BATSHIT and not representative of how most adults think.

Normal people would say 'You still up for dinner out on Friday?' Not something thing that is actually pretty loaded.

Tbh as a 40 something year old woman if a man I was dating pulled this shit I'd tell him to fuck off.

@Frogcorset

OP, in the nicest possible way, you don't really seem as if you're used to doing ordinary human communication stuff at anything more than the basic grunt and point stage. Which is maybe why your girlfriend used a 'clearly annoyed' tone. I mean, maybe you're different in person, but this thread is like pulling teeth...

Sorry I find that highly offensive - "you don't really seem as if you're used to doing ordinary human communication stuff at anything more than the basic grunt and point stage" - where did you draw that conclusion from? As someone else replied am I supposed t treat each question as I'm psychic or know I'm on a 'test'?

@Frogcorset

And the whiny self-pitying thing about 'not giving the correct answer' is deeply unattractive and juvenile.

Ok so in your view if your partner turned round and asked you do you waat to do A or B? like you had a free choice but in reality only answer A was acceptable to them and when you chose B you would have no problem with them getting ratty and snapping at you? And if you did have a problem with this it would be unattractive and juvenile?

Look, OP, none of us was there. You are the person treating this conversation as if it were an exam with only one correct answer, who describes it as a 'set up', and being aggrieved about it to the extent that you started an account on an online forum to complain about it, with the username @unfairlysetup!

You know your girlfriend, and the context of the conversation, and no one on here does.

BUT your account of it and your responses on here make you sound like someone who struggles with communication, doesn't understand subtext, and thinks that there's a 'correct' and 'incorrect' answer to any question.

Yes, possibly your girlfriend is a dreadful person who set up a conversational trap for you to fall into. BUT from your interaction on here, and the fact that you say similar situations happen a lot, it's equally if not more possible that you are very difficult to deal with and get whiny and self-righteous when another person gets annoyed with your communication style.

And the whiny self-pitying thing about 'not giving the correct answer' is deeply unattractive and juvenile

And so is being passive aggressive instead of just asking if he was still up for a meal out then saying she will find some one else to go out with. Pathetic.