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Original poster

Feel I was set up

76 replies

unfairlysetup · 10/06/2021 11:42

Last weekend myself and my girlfriend had talked about maybe going to dinner on Friday night this week. Last night she casually asked me "We don't have to go to dinner Friday if you don't want to?". We are going on holidays on Sunday so I said "well I was wondering when I'd get time to pack", she immediately replied in a clearly annoyed stern tone "Well I'll find someone else to go out with Friday".

We are going on holidays on Sunday and will be eating out Sun ev so its not like we won't be eating out anytime soon.

I feel I was unfairly set up last night by the way she phrased and casually asked the question and then when I didn't give an answer she wanted she let me know her unhappiness with it straight away. Why ask the question if there is an unacceptable answer. If she had asked are you looking forward to dinner Friday, I probably would have said yes. Any thoughts?

OP posts:
Original poster
unfairlysetup · 10/06/2021 17:11

@Frogcorset

Look, OP, none of us was there. You are the person treating this conversation as if it were an exam with only one correct answer, who describes it as a 'set up', and being aggrieved about it to the extent that you started an account on an online forum to complain about it, with the username *@unfairlysetup*!

You know your girlfriend, and the context of the conversation, and no one on here does.

BUT your account of it and your responses on here make you sound like someone who struggles with communication, doesn't understand subtext, and thinks that there's a 'correct' and 'incorrect' answer to any question.

Yes, possibly your girlfriend is a dreadful person who set up a conversational trap for you to fall into. BUT from your interaction on here, and the fact that you say similar situations happen a lot, it's equally if not more possible that you are very difficult to deal with and get whiny and self-righteous when another person gets annoyed with your communication style.

"BUT your account of it and your responses on here make you sound like someone who struggles with communication, doesn't understand subtext, and thinks that there's a 'correct' and 'incorrect' answer to any question. "

No I don't think that there's a 'correct' and 'incorrect' answer to any question. But there was clearly a correct and incorrect answer to the question I as asked last night - I answered incorrectly and got snapped at, whereas if I had answered correctly nothing would have happened.

"BUT from your interaction on here, and the fact that you say similar situations happen a lot, it's equally if not more possible that you are very difficult to deal with and get whiny and self-righteous when another person gets annoyed with your communication style."

So as I previously asked which you declined to answer:

if your partner turned round and asked you do you want to do A or B? like you had a free choice but in reality only answer A was acceptable to them and when you chose B you would have no problem with them getting ratty and snapping at you? And if you did have a problem with this it would be unattractive and juvenile and whiny and self-righteous and that because you are difficult to deal with? That's what you believe?

OP posts:
Frogcorset · 10/06/2021 17:22

if your partner turned round and asked you do you want to do A or B? like you had a free choice but in reality only answer A was acceptable to them and when you chose B you would have no problem with them getting ratty and snapping at you?

But your girlfriend didn't ask 'do you want to do A or B?' You say yourself in your first post that she said '"We don't have to go to dinner Friday if you don't want to". Can you really not understand the difference?

Original poster
unfairlysetup · 10/06/2021 17:38

@Frogcorset

if your partner turned round and asked you do you want to do A or B? like you had a free choice but in reality only answer A was acceptable to them and when you chose B you would have no problem with them getting ratty and snapping at you?

But your girlfriend didn't ask 'do you want to do A or B?' You say yourself in your first post that she said '"We don't have to go to dinner Friday if you don't want to". Can you really not understand the difference?

Ok i'll play along - what is the difference? There were 2 possible answers A) No I want to or B) No I don't want to. So I was asked a question with 2 possible answers (A or B) one of which was acceptable one of which wasn't, so I'll rephrase my question to you

if your partner turned round and asked you a question with 2 possible answrs? like you had a free choice but in reality only one answer was acceptable to them and when you chose the other you would have no problem with them getting ratty and snapping at you? And if you did have a problem with this it would be unattractive and juvenile and whiny and self-righteous and that because you are difficult to deal with? That's what you believe?

OP posts:
SuperstoreFan · 10/06/2021 17:41

I think some posters are being rude because they suspect that you're a man OP.

She sounds a bit high maintenance.

category12 · 10/06/2021 17:45

your girlfriend didn't ask 'do you want to do A or B?' You say yourself in your first post that she said '"We don't have to go to dinner Friday if you don't want to".

The difference is the latter is emotionally loaded and indicates she feels like you don't want to go.

category12 · 10/06/2021 17:46

Are you neurotypical?

steakandcheeseplease · 10/06/2021 17:47

OP you should learn when your being baited in to an argument. Wink

Frogcorset · 10/06/2021 17:50

I give up, OP. You keep demonstrating the exact communication issue which probably made your girlfriend annoyed, and which is nothing to do with dinner.

@SuperstoreFan, I said much further up the thread that there was no reason (at that point) to think that the OP wasn't a woman in a relationship with a woman.

Original poster
unfairlysetup · 10/06/2021 17:57

@Frogcorset

I give up, OP. You keep demonstrating the exact communication issue which probably made your girlfriend annoyed, and which is nothing to do with dinner.

@SuperstoreFan, I said much further up the thread that there was no reason (at that point) to think that the OP wasn't a woman in a relationship with a woman.

Communication issue? I asked you a direct question above which you ignored.. I also haven't resorted to making assumptions about you or saying you are juvenile and whiny and self-righteous and difficult to deal with whereas you see no problem with that. Yes I am obviously the one with communication problems
OP posts:
Original poster
unfairlysetup · 10/06/2021 18:02

@category12

Are you neurotypical?
I guess so apart from the fact I expect direct communication and not to havs to play games, work out if questions are genuine or not and pick up clues as to how I am meant to answer. That makes me some kind of weirdo around here
OP posts:
category12 · 10/06/2021 18:05

I guess so apart from the fact I expect direct communication and not to havs to play games, work out if questions are genuine or not and pick up clues as to how I am meant to answer. That makes me some kind of weirdo around here

Oh come off it, human communication is often indirect, nuanced and emotionally loaded, and not just in romantic relationships.

Original poster
unfairlysetup · 10/06/2021 18:10

@category12

I guess so apart from the fact I expect direct communication and not to havs to play games, work out if questions are genuine or not and pick up clues as to how I am meant to answer. That makes me some kind of weirdo around here

Oh come off it, human communication is often indirect, nuanced and emotionally loaded, and not just in romantic relationships.

I agree but when you are asked a question with 2 possible answers what is nuanced about that. It's a question, it's not a vague statement or comment. If there is only one acceptable answer why even ask the question
OP posts:
Thecurtainsofdestiny · 10/06/2021 18:12

You wanted to go.

So why not just say "I do want to go"?

category12 · 10/06/2021 18:13

It's not a yes or no question though, it's an emotionally loaded question. Hmm

category12 · 10/06/2021 18:14

It was a question asking for reassurance that you actually wanted to go.

Shutupyoutart · 10/06/2021 18:18

Op I dont think you are really going to get anywhere here tbh.you sound like a very straight forward person who says what they mean which is often a good thing but the fact is people and often women esp don't say exactly what they mean, it sounds like your girlfriend wanted reassurance from you , when you didn't give her that she got upset with you which was unfair but no one is perfect, if this happens a lot I suggest you have a conversation with your girlfriend about it,it does sound like the communication is a bit off with you both.

burnoutbabe · 10/06/2021 18:20

I don't see you did much wrong here and she is just baiting for an argument.

I mean this was just dinner, which I assume you do regularly together and in fact you'll be seeing her all week on holiday and having dinner so skipping Friday to get stuff done is sensible.

But clearly I too missed the "what women say and what they mean" memo.

Onthedunes · 10/06/2021 18:55

You're right she didn't want to go with you.

She quickly flipped it to be annoyed so she could hook up with someone else.

Satisfied.

Original poster
unfairlysetup · 10/06/2021 19:17

@Onthedunes

You're right she didn't want to go with you.

She quickly flipped it to be annoyed so she could hook up with someone else.

Satisfied.

😀 Best reply today, that made me smile lol
OP posts:
pog100 · 10/06/2021 19:28

Why the hell have you just spent more than 5 hours arguing with people online, who weren't there, about the nuances of a miscommunication with your gf. If you are like this about such minor interactions in not sure relationships are for you. Wait till you have kids!

steakandcheeseplease · 10/06/2021 19:31

@category12

It was a question asking for reassurance that you actually wanted to go.
Well no one is actually able read people minds. I agree though it was a loaded question. And unfair.

"You don't have go out' Should mean you don't have to go out. Not some loaded question that she sees her arse with when he is honest and doesn't like her question.

And the insinuations that he must be SN because he can't mind read his GFis fucking way out of order.

category12 · 10/06/2021 20:08

It wasn't an insinuation, I asked a direct question. OP likes those Grin.

It's not mind-reading to pick up that there's something underlying "We don't have to go to dinner Friday if you don't want to" - (which really is more of a statement than a question anyway).

FaceForRadio1973 · 10/06/2021 21:26

I agree this thread is going on a bit about one question, none of us know the entire conversation, or the tones, gestures and nuances involved. As other people say, communication is complex.

What I will say is that I spent far too long (And I can only blame myself for that) trying to second guess the response that my ex-partner wanted, and trust me, it wasn't fun...

thisplaceisweird · 10/06/2021 21:43

Good luck on holiday together.

AgentJohnson · 11/06/2021 07:51

Just for arguments sake, you are correct and it was a ‘set up’ and as this isn’t the first time, why the hell are you still in a relationship with some who you think doesn’t respect you?

However, given some of your replies, it sounds like the poor communication between you is not one way. You were happy to go but as soon as you were given the ‘opportunity’ not to, you chose the latter because that was your preference. The ‘I was happy to go’ doesn’t come across as particularly genuine because not going, was clearly your preference. Maybe the test was not about the ‘right’ answer but an honest one and maybe her annoyance was that the honest answer didn’t correlate with the original answer.

If you are at the point in your relationship where you genuinely believe that your partner is out to trap you, then you may want to reconsider if this is the relationship for you.