Not the sort of girl boys like

[FuckItAllOffRightNow]

That's what I was told about myself growing up.

Apparently it's true.

I'm most definitely a woman now and still the sort of woman that men don't like.

I know it's not the be all and end all but it fucks me right off sometimes.

But not all men like the same kind of women?

So I hear!

But I've still not met one who genuinely likes me.

What is it you think men don’t like about you? Do you think it’s become some kind of self-fulfilling prophecy? You expect men to dislike you and so you become defensive or give off the appearance of being uninterested or standoffish?

Yes, I suspect some of it has become a self-fulfilling prophecy.

I don't expect men to find me attractive and, if they do, I already know it won't become a relationship so I think i push them away. But i also don't know what I'm doing that does that. It's not a conscious thing.

In terms of what I think it is, I don't really know tbh. Other than the obvious of not being young, slim and pretty but then there was a time when I was young, slim and attractive and it made no difference.

I totally get you OP, I'm exactly the same! It's something I'm trying to accept but I'm finding it really hard to do so. I'm starting therapy next month to deal with it, is that something you might find useful?

Have you had any kind of therapy to work through getting past what you were told as a child and changing the way you perceive yourself? Whilst CirqueDeMorgue is correct that not all men like the same kind of women, most people, generally, are attracted to the same things: confidence, friendliness, somebody who’s enjoyable company, makes them feel good about themselves, seems keen to spend time with them. Sometimes those people are also slim and conventionally good looking, but no amount of slim and pretty compensated for somebody who doesn’t seem interested or is self conscious to the point of not engaging. Relearning your responses to people showing interest in you so that you don’t react the way you currently do and building your self esteem so that you recognise you are worth being interested in will do far more than anything to do with weight or looks.

OP, how was home life when you were growing up? What were your parent’s attitudes about your friendships and sex?

@FuckItAllOffRightNow

I am tall and curvey. Men love it. It’s a confidence thing. Having good boobs helps too. With the first attraction. Then it’s personally. Maybe where I fall down. Haha

Happy to chat if you want advice

@FuckItAllOffRightNow

That's what I was told about myself growing up.

Apparently it's true.

I'm most definitely a woman now and still the sort of woman that men don't like.

I know it's not the be all and end all but it fucks me right off sometimes.

What did you think these people meant when they said that? Who was saying it? It sounds to me more like a self-fulfilling prophecy — if you were continually told this, it fused into your sense of self and affected your behaviour.

I think, unfortunately, things like confidence and self esteem play a big part in how attractive people find you. People are naturally drawn to happy people. It sounds like the horrible things said to you as a child are creating a self fulfilling prophecy.

I get annoyed when people suggest going to therapy as a solution to everything, but I think this is a situation where it could really make a very positive difference.

You are worthy of being loved.

My friend was the kind of girl boys liked, tall, leggy, a dancer, boobs, gorgeous hair. She definitely got more attention than me growing up, but as we got older, we used to joke that she was my "dickhead filter". She attracted vain and shallow guys who didn't treat her well. I spent a lot of time chatting with their creepy hanger-on friend, and sometimes they weren't so bad. I eventually met my husband at work, and we clicked. If they don't like you, they aren't right for you. It's like selling cars, 9/10 can't afford it or are wasting your time, but one is genuinely interested, it's filtering out the 9 that's the waste of time in relationships sometimes 😂 it definitely doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you. Sometimes you're not looking in the right places, or spending too much time looking and not seeing.

I've had therapy. I've accepted it to a degree.

I think I am quite confident. I get told I'm friendly, approachable, compassionate. But then I know people who are none of those things and they are still in relationships.

I don't have any real issues meeting men or being friends with men. Like all women, I meet men who'd just shag me if I were up for that. But when I think over my current friendships and those I've had over recent years, I know men I can sit and have a laugh and get drunk with in the pub. I know men I can be daft and 'playful' with. I know men I've developed close friendships with and can have deep and meaningful conversations with.

I know men I'd be able to have, or have had, 'casual flings' with over the years. I've met men I've then dated but it never goes beyond that. I could understand it if it were a phase or the occasional man but it's been like this my whole life.

I read posts by women on here about men who've fallen in love, men who've made real efforts, so I know it happens. I don't know any other terminally single people. I have friends and acquaintances across the whole spectrum.of looks, intelligence, male amd female. Without exception, all of the have either been in, started or ended a long term relationship in the time ive known them.

Men find confidence sexy. You don't sound too confident

A mix of two things here, a lot of men would prefer to play the field than settle for one woman, no one can change their mind if they're not ready, secondly
People of all looks are in relationships not just the stunning.
Personality does go along way too for being in a relationship, plenty of men won't go for a woman with no personality behind the looks same goes for a women too about men.
You said yourself you push away men so they are probably getting the vibes that you aren't interested in them.

Justa47

I'm 5'4 and a size 12. I'm curvy but not big. I'm not unattractive I don't think. I'm quite happy with my looks. I don't hide myself away. But yeah if you've got any advice...

What did you think these people meant when they said that? Who was saying it? It sounds to me more like a self-fulfilling prophecy — if you were continually told this, it fused into your sense of self and affected your behaviour.

A combination of things I think. My mum was really worried I wouldn't meet anyone because I was either 'too much' or 'not enough' of whatever I was along with not being conventionally pretty.

As far as the men go, I've never really asked them. Some have commented negatively on my appearance. Others, I just got the impression I didn't fawn over them as much as they wanted. Didn't like it if I challenged them in any way. Most of them said I was lovely they just didn't 'feel' it enough to want to take it any further. Usually it's me who ends it because the way they've treated me suggests I wasn't a priority or they just weren't that into me.

TheSockMonster

I have had therapy. Several times. Most recently, I tried a different sort and that's been the one that has helped the most. I'm really content with who I am and I finally understand what people mean when they say to 'love yourself'. But it makes no difference.

TripleSeptic

I get that. It must have been frustrating, in equal measure, for you and your friend at times! I've met/dated enough men over the years to have filtered out the 9/10 many times over but still never met the 1/10 who actually wanted me!

You sound pretty confident about your ability to make friends, which is a good thing. I feel much more confident about having relationships, and have more trouble keeping up friendships.

I know four people off the top of my head from about age 40 to 60 who have never had a lasting relationship of any kind, and others who have never had long relationships. How old are you, OP?

@seensome

A mix of two things here, a lot of men would prefer to play the field than settle for one woman, no one can change their mind if they're not ready, secondly People of all looks are in relationships not just the stunning. Personality does go along way too for being in a relationship, plenty of men won't go for a woman with no personality behind the looks same goes for a women too about men. You said yourself you push away men so they are probably getting the vibes that you aren't interested in them.

I think I must push them away but I don't feel like I do.

I'm quite busy. Realistically, I can spend an evening/night and a day with someone at the weekend and usually one evening a week at most. I don't mind a few texts in the week and a couple of phone calls but a lot of men expect you to be available to them more often and quite needy with lots of texting in between and the ones who are happy with the amount of time I can spend on a relationship aren't looking for anything serious. I find clinginess quite off putting so I probably do make myself less available and push the first group of men away a bit. But that's not what I'm looking for anyway. But the second group of men aren't after anything serious or they are but not with me.

@Quaverscrisps

Men find confidence sexy. You don't sound too confident

Not in my experience.

In my experience, if they feel your confidence is misplaced or undeserved, they try to bring you down.

If I lack confidence around men nowadays (which maybe I do) this is the reason why rather than me just lacking in confidence generally. I think aware and a little wary is how I'd describe myself.

I've found a lot of men are most comfortable with a woman who is slightly self deprecating, quiet, unassuming and who they feel they can 'save from themselves'. They want someone they can reassure and treat like a doll. They find confidence and independence intimidating and a bit, well, vulgar.

Like I say, when I have dated men who claim to like confidence in woman, well they're the ones who have tended to try and put me down. Not loudly. But quietly. If you know what I mean.

@ravenmum

You sound pretty confident about your ability to make friends, which is a good thing. I feel much more confident about having relationships, and have more trouble keeping up friendships.

I know four people off the top of my head from about age 40 to 60 who have never had a lasting relationship of any kind, and others who have never had long relationships. How old are you, OP?

Hmm. Not sure I'd say I feel like that about friendships myself. I have a few female friends but not many.

I'd say I'm pretty confident about my ability to attract a man initially I'm just not able to progress to a relationship.

Men seem to like me and enjoy my company. I don't take myself too seriously. Apparently I bridge the gap between being one of the lads and 'girly' well. I've been told I'm the 'perfect combination of cute and sexy' and men do fancy me. I don't flirt but apparently my natural demeanour is quite flirty and I'm quite conscious of that. I don't see it myself but apparently I make people feel good when they are with me.

Apparently I 'sparkle' and its quite obvious to me when I'm with someone who dampens that.

I think maybe I'm quite good at the initial stages of a relationship, the first few months
When it's all flirty and fun but I'm not able to translate that into a relationship.

I think my doubts maybe creep in at that stage and maybe I change?

I'm 45.

I've been described this way in the past. I'm not very feminine, I'm fiesty , a strong personality and I'm not afraid to call a spade, a spade. I was always told men don't like women like me , they want gentle and easy going women and for a while I tried to be that woman, it just drove me mad and I dated guys who bored me silly. 3 years ago I went back to how I was and I met an amazing guy who love me for me and we are expecting our first baby In November. The right guy will love you for you ! It sounds so cliché but it's true and there is nothing wrong with who you are! It would be so boring of we were all the same.

To give an example.

I met a man in late 2019. I ended it late 2020 for many reasons. Lockdown and us being in a bubble meant we stayed friends and for the past few months we've seen each other every weekend with the occasional texts, a couple of phone calls and odd midweek meet up in between. I've spent more time with his friends and him in the past few weeks than I did when we were together. Sex sometimes happens but it isn't expected and we go for days out and on 'dates' etc. Its his birthday next week. We're spending the whole of this coming weekend together because of it and I'm firmly included in his birthday plans with him and a couple of mates. It looks to all intents and purposes like a relationship. Except it isn't. But it's the closest I've got to one in a very long time! And it's better now it's not a relationship than it was when it was one. But i'm under no illusion or expectation that it will become more than it is.

@romdowa

I've been described this way in the past. I'm not very feminine, I'm fiesty , a strong personality and I'm not afraid to call a spade, a spade. I was always told men don't like women like me , they want gentle and easy going women and for a while I tried to be that woman, it just drove me mad and I dated guys who bored me silly. 3 years ago I went back to how I was and I met an amazing guy who love me for me and we are expecting our first baby In November. The right guy will love you for you ! It sounds so cliché but it's true and there is nothing wrong with who you are! It would be so boring of we were all the same.

I tried to be that too for a while and just encountered sexist men who treated me like shit or, like you say, dull men who didn't interest me.

I'm glad you've found someone who loves you for you!

I think maybe I'm quite good at the initial stages of a relationship, the first few months When it's all flirty and fun but I'm not able to translate that into a relationship. I think my doubts maybe creep in at that stage and maybe I change?
Maybe that's what I was picking up on when I said you sounded confident about making friends. Do you put a lot of effort into these initial stages? Is it hard to keep up?

It looks to all intents and purposes like a relationship. Except it isn't.
In what way is it not one? The label, or more?

Hi OP - you sound fairly confident and self-aware in your posts. This latest “relationship” is puzzling. You say it won’t progress into anything more than a friendship, but are you sure? Are you even prepared to give it a chance?

I hope you don’t mind me saying this, but one of your posts, about being “one of the lads” struck me. I remember at uni, there were girls who were always out drinking and being “one of the lads” with the rugby teams etc etc. It was their way of trying to date them, but it was glaringly obvious that the boys / men never felt the same. They might shag them if that was available, but no more. In my experience (others may disagree) men don’t want a relationship with “one of the lads” or even women who behave like that intermittently. People will call me old-fashioned or sexist or whatever , but nearly all men want a different dynamic to that. They prefer a woman who is more feminine and not afraid to be vulnerable at times. Someone who can let him feel like he is a man basically - not just a mate or one of the lads. Similar to what you said in your earlier post. It’s not just physical attractiveness, it’s your demeanour, I guess, or he vibe you give off. Much of this will be unconscious, so it’s hard to pinpoint or describe, but hopefully this makes some sense?

Your mother is a nightmare telling you you are not his type of woman to attract a man! What a peculiar and damaging thing to tell a child.

But it sounds like you have plenty of male attention OP and have had relationships. It just sounds as though you finish relationships quite quickly which is why you haven't had a long term relationship.

I'm a bit confused with you saying I'm the kind of girl men don't like and then listing a load of relationships you've had with men who obviously like you or they wouldn't be with you.