So angry at her.....sorry long rant

[smithfield]

Don't know where to start really as Im angry at what is happening now, but think its all linked with stuff over the years.

My ds is getting christened on sunday, and I asked my sister to be godmother. Its been hard organising this as im heavily pregnant, working full time, have ds to look after and dh works long hours six days a week.
My sister doesnt have kids, lives with my dad, and her only responsibility is her 3 days per week job (working for my brother) and renovating the house she just bought with her boyfriend.
Yesterday I had my mum on the phone saying I really ought to talk to my sister as she doesnt know what is happening with the christening. I then find out she is flying up from london and has booked in to a hotel at the airport and has arranged for my mum to pick her up (my mum doesnt live here either but is driving up on the friday).
After managing to get no details from her via text, replies such as 'mums picking me up so don't worry' (what time) 'dont know cos I got to check in' (what time)...I finally called her to have her yell down the phone and say I was just trying to pick a fight and she was 'trying' to eat her dinner.
I feel so angry, hurt, let down....I dont think asking what time she will arrive is too much to ask. I find it really odd that she has made her time spent here as minmal as possible and despite the fact her Bf is not coming has still chosen to fly up on her own and stay in a hotel.
I am left second guessing if she will turn up at all, and I guess I am tempted to ask someone else to be godmother...not out of spite but so I can relax and not rely on someone who so obviously doesn't really see the role as the honor its should be.

Sorry for the rant but I feel incredibly low and lonely atm. Just dont have anyone to turn to....except you lovely cyber mums

If she can't be bothered to make an effort to be there for you / help out/ keep in touch etc when it is for the actual christening, then what sort of godparent is she going to be

I wouldn't think it was totally unreasonable if you decided to choose someone who actually seems to care.

Not surprised you feel so low. Sounds like you have a lot on. {{{hugs}}}

if she's booked a flight, booked a hotel and arranged for your mother to pick her up, then I would safely assume that she will turn up

as for the time - she knows the time of the christening is? then leave it up to her to turn up on time.

Yes, I know it's stressful trying to organise these things. Hope it goes well!

Thanks Baffy- esp for the hugs. Yeah I dont think its unreasonable either. But- my mum is putting pressure on me, saying it would be a terrible thing to do to her, that Im blowing it ou of proportion...etc etc. This is what I've had for years. She is incredibly spoiled and believe it or not I am only just starting to see it now.

Belgo-Firstly thanks for your message. I am assuming- and trust me |I am probably correct due to past experience, that its my dad that has paid for her flight and hotel. So Im afraid this does not guarantee anything. If she does not turn up on the day I am stuck, and I think it goes deeper...Baffy has pretty much reflected how I am seeingthis at the mo.
Trying to have any relationship with her recently has become like pulling teeth I think I asked her in a bid to bring some closeness. I am tired of trying.

I think you are worrying too much. It seems you can rely on her, she has gone to the effort to make sure she is there, surely that is important enough to show you she is serious?

She has booked the flight, arranged accomadation & asked your mum to collect her, therefore minimal stress for you, which is great.

She may have a few other plans at home, so cannot commit to a long stay.

Please don't let it ruin yours & your ds's special day!

Sorry Belgo- meant to add yes Im torn between letting it ride and see what happens or making the changes now

If your Mum is picking her up presumably she knows the time and will make sure they are both there.
To your sister this isn't the biggest thing in her life right now, and she probably hadn't worked out the exact timing of the day yet.
If you are that worried about it why don't you ask your Mum what time she is picking her up.
To think of stopping her being the godmother sounds extreme though as the reason you chose her - to get closer to her - is still valid. To change that because she can't tell you the exact time she will be arriving with you in 5 days time would be odd.

Like you said smithfield, it sounds like the issues run a lot deeper than just the christening. You have asked her to play a very special and important role in your ds's life, in a bid perhaps to bring you closer together and bury the past a little bit - but she isn't acknowledging it in the way you would hope for. She really should realise what a priviledge it is to be asked. And I guess if her eating her dinner is more important than a quick chat with you about the weekend - well that says a lot

I think what I would say though is that if you feel that she really isn't right for the godparent role and decide to ask someone else, then be very clear about why. It sounds like her attitude lately is just the icing on the cake.

You have done a lovely thing in holding out this olive branch and trying to make her a special part of yours and ds's life. I can totally see why her attitude is hurting you so much.

Life is too short to waste on people who are too selfish to think about what other people may be going through. If she is causing you more stress than happiness, then maybe it's time to start putting yourself and your own feelings/needs first for once. You really could do with someone supporting you at this time.

Really difficult situation I know

I went to a christening recently where the baby had two godmothers and two godfathers. Would this be an option to you?

Zubb- She has not told my mother what time she is arriving or where she is staying. My mother offered to pick her up and she agreed, that was all. I didnt think it was unreasonable of me to try and communicate with her and make more firm arrangements.
I need to be clear that I would not be making such a huge decision about this lightly.....this has been an ongoing issue between us. No communication, and when I ask for some for clarification she is outright rude. Im not dismissing your response but I think it runs deeper than the christening.
Baffy-thanks again-you are completely spot on with all of it. However I am aware that if I make this decision now It will not go down well. IYKWIM. Feel caught between a rock and a hard place.

Belgo- now that sounds like a good idea to me. Hmmm I will need to ring the priest I guess and ask??
So I guess your saying then if we are one short....not a biggy??

two godmothers and one godfather sounds perfectly reasonable to me.

Our ds has got one single godmother, one single godfather and a couple who are both his godparents... So he's got two of each - our Priest said that the number wasn't limited, but you might not be able to get them all written down in the book.

So, if you have someone you would like to ask in addition to the people you have chosen - have a quick word with the Vicar and make sure there isn't a problem, then ask them as well - this way you'll know that you won't be 'short' even if your sister lets you down - then stop worrying about it - if she can't manage to get there on time to be a godparent, its her loss - but if she can, you won't have hassled her, and you won't have worked yourself up into a state worrying about the whole thing. I know what its like when you're busy and trying to arrange lots of things...

Best of luck

Belgo/mistlethrush-yes I think this could be a solution thankyou.

I know i shouldnt be worrying but I have experienced in the past very extreme reactions borne out of little niggly arguments. my sister and brother didnt speak for two years, because he took/borrowed her portable tv whilst she was in hospital. My mum also got involved and stuck up for her which resulted in my brother and mum not speaking either...so you see it can be quite volatile....I guess most family's are?

great idea belgo and mistle

at least that way if she lets you down it won't be such a big deal

plus you won't have caused a big fuss or family argument by changing your mind

fwiw my son has 2 godmothers and 2 godfathers. this is because we couldn't decide between our brothers and sisters, so decided to have all 4. the priest said there was no limit on numbers and he was happy that ds had so many people who would be there for him as godparents

sounds like a great idea

Thanks baffy- sound like there are more than a few that have more than one godparent. It had never even crossed my mind!
I will double check with the priest but I really am feeling like this is the best solution. I can then safely leave the ball in sisters court then without having to stress/ or hassle her.

Thankyou all of you for your replies and support its much appreciatedxxx

Traditionally a girl should have 2 godmothers and one godfather and a boy the reverse;two godfathers and one godmother

maybe she is staying in a hotel so as not to cause you stress by staying with you ?

making her your ds' godmother is not going to change her. i would definitely ask someone else as well. leave her to it - don't stress, just assume she won't be there and you can be pleasantly surprised.

floaty-is that tradition generally or christian/cathalic?

lemonstartree-I just re-read my own post and I dont think it makes things as clear as I'd like with regard to our relationship , but its difficult to put into in a few sentences. Of course I dont think the hotel is intended to offend me...it's just her constant distance and coldness that offends. It will be the first time she has vsited me since we moved here over 18 months ago, when she was invited she was told I will pick u up, you can stay here etc.
I had been away for 6 years abroad and when I came back she was going through a very hard time which I supported her through. We spent lots of time together. Then she met her bf and I moved away. Ever since she has not even lifted a finger to text...even through the preganancy, or when I was home for a week for my b'day. I have tried asking her outright 'whats wrong' but she says nothing.
The same thing happened in the past when she had a long term Bf, but I put that down to immaturity. Anyway sorry to go on...but am feeling its the end of the line after this...its too much like hard woek and too much of a one way street.

Warthog- tend to agree-and as said realising shes not going to change and am just hurting myself.

she's not giving you the support you need, which you feel entitled to given your support of her in the past. she's a taker. it's bound to hurt, but i think you have to do what you can to limit the hurt now.

Smithyie - I don't want to rain on your parade (or christening) but I don't know any children who are a)still in contact with their godparents or
b) whose godparents can be arsed with their godchildren anyway,; other than my dh who was godP to a friends dd, and religiously (sorry) paid up on birthdays and high-days. Saw her once a year or so. Other than that- being GodM to you lo is gfoing to mean a lot more to you than it will to anyone else.

Can she have children?

sparkybabe- You cynic! Must admit did chuckle at this, and yes your right but a tad of enthusiasm for the 'actual' day would still not be too much to ask methinks. And I still dont want to be stranded on the day with no GM!

hunkermunker-why do you ask? Yes she can as far as I know. She's never actively tried IYKWIM. She has been living with both or one of my parents, so although she's been in long term relationships-not gone the next step, until now and she plans to move in with bf in new year. If I ask she pulls a face and says she's not interested.

Warthog-yes I agree

Well I asked priest and he said can have as many Gparents as I like. So last night I asked my Brother and sis in law. They were genuinely chuffed and said they'd love to do it. That's all the response I wanted, but never got from sis.

On the down side bro told me my dad's not coming cos he wont be in the same room as mum....nice of him to tell me huh! Knew he was avoiding me but pushed it to back of my mind.
Perhaps I should change this thread to 'should I cut out my family for the sake of my sanity' ahhhhhh

So glad your brother and sister in law were pleased to be asked. That's great news.

And should you cut out your family for the sake of your sanity?... well maybe one or two of them!!