So angry at her.....sorry long rant

[smithfield]

Don't know where to start really as Im angry at what is happening now, but think its all linked with stuff over the years.

My ds is getting christened on sunday, and I asked my sister to be godmother. Its been hard organising this as im heavily pregnant, working full time, have ds to look after and dh works long hours six days a week.
My sister doesnt have kids, lives with my dad, and her only responsibility is her 3 days per week job (working for my brother) and renovating the house she just bought with her boyfriend.
Yesterday I had my mum on the phone saying I really ought to talk to my sister as she doesnt know what is happening with the christening. I then find out she is flying up from london and has booked in to a hotel at the airport and has arranged for my mum to pick her up (my mum doesnt live here either but is driving up on the friday).
After managing to get no details from her via text, replies such as 'mums picking me up so don't worry' (what time) 'dont know cos I got to check in' (what time)...I finally called her to have her yell down the phone and say I was just trying to pick a fight and she was 'trying' to eat her dinner.
I feel so angry, hurt, let down....I dont think asking what time she will arrive is too much to ask. I find it really odd that she has made her time spent here as minmal as possible and despite the fact her Bf is not coming has still chosen to fly up on her own and stay in a hotel.
I am left second guessing if she will turn up at all, and I guess I am tempted to ask someone else to be godmother...not out of spite but so I can relax and not rely on someone who so obviously doesn't really see the role as the honor its should be.

Sorry for the rant but I feel incredibly low and lonely atm. Just dont have anyone to turn to....except you lovely cyber mums

attilathemeerkat- thank you so much for your reply and looking a little deeper. I will write a longer reply to you soon. but you have struck such a deep chord I am in tears right now and unable to write anymore.
How could you possibly know this? Have you been through similar?

PMSL at you only picking up on my "That's a yes then" when that was in direct response to you saying to me:

"By smithfield on Wed 21-Nov-07 21:53:01
Hunkermunker- wow you must be some kind of soothsayer that can read peoples personalities so well. Lucky you! Guess I can't say to you what I'd really like to, but then being the talent you are bet you can probably guess what that is anyway"

This is where I offered you a different perspective:

" By hunkermunker on Wed 21-Nov-07 15:55:02
Why do I ask?

Because if she can't, for whatever reason, and desperately wants them, she might find being around you difficult. It doesn't sound like you have an open, sharey sort of sister relationship, on either side, so I doubt she'd confide in you.

Just worth considering that she might not be fawning all over you because it hurts too much, that's all.

Plus where you said that she "so obviously doesn't really see the role as the honour is should be" does sound a bit precious, tbh."

And that in response to you saying:

"hunkermunker-why do you ask? Yes she can as far as I know. She's never actively tried IYKWIM. She has been living with both or one of my parents, so although she's been in long term relationships-not gone the next step, until now and she plans to move in with bf in new year. If I ask she pulls a face and says she's not interested."

So all I was asking you to do was consider that your sister might not share everything with you.

And you launched a massive attack on me, calling me a bully, etc:

"Hunkermunker - let me guess you are one of these women who trawl the threads using your superior intellect and intuition to scout out us fraudsters that feign they need support when really what they need is a good verbal stoning.
you cackle with delight as you encircle words in the script that support your insights (which of course no other poster would identify, being way too dull by comaprison to you)

So well done you- But now your work 'here' is done you can toddle off - (along with your cronies who admire your superior being so)
And get on with doing something useful.....Like sharpening your claws ready for your next victim "

"And so Doodulldull and hunkermunker move off cackl;ing with delight!

BTW you weren't the local school bullies too were you?"

Please, continue the attacks though. They're really helping everybody see the issues here.

Might I just add that I have just cross-posted with you saying you're in tears.

i think there are a huge number of issues here, so it's very difficult to help. clearly there has been a lot of hurt in your family, you are trying to reach out to your sister and feel rebuffed.

without more understanding, i think if you make an issue of your sister not behaving as you would like, these problems will only get worse.

if you really want her there, call her and tell her.

if you feel that's too much, then perhaps it's best to withdraw from your family for a bit until you have worked through some of the problems.

DD- I did not know you were one and the same person as Hm

Warthog-you are probably right, I did say I didn't know where to start...but my desire to share some of the real issues with 'anyone' let alone strangers on a website are often flanked by my need to appear strong and in-control. Contrary to the real me who is actually quite a mess inside.

I need to put the lo to bed- I want to download now so badly- but Im afraid this had descended into something I wish it hadnt IYKWIM

By DooDoDooDoDoMaNuhMaNuh on Thu 22-Nov-07 09:19:22
That's a personal attack, you know - I could have it deleted, if I wanted.

I said two pretty innocuous things to you and asked you to consider that your sister might be hurting - and you launched a scathing attack on me.

I won't respond in kind, because there's no point. Anybody who's read your last few posts can see what sort of woman you are.

(I am Hunkermunker, btw)

I should've made it clearer...

No apology that you completely flipped your lid at me then?

Smithfield

Felt quite humbled actually to read your reply to me earlier.

I asked whether your sister is older or younger than you because it may have some bearing on what is going on now and why. People have different takes on what happened when growing up. Not excusing her behaviour at all but I think you siblings are all hurting here.

I have seen ongoing favouritism from my parents towards my brother. Did not realise it was going to touch you the way it did. Am very sorry for that but would urge you to post again if you want to (or CAT me).

You may want to look at the thread - My mother has cut me out of my life - long sorry on these pages.

With best wishes

Attila

smithfield, you will find a lot of support on here. and where better to offload than on a website where you're anonymous? there are a lot of people in similar situations and i think you'll find it cathartic to get it out in the open.

Attila- Thanks again for your posting- I have read that thread and it did strike a chord with me. But I felt 'that' posters story was so much more painful than mine, and I was a fraud being part of it.

The fact is we were 'all' emotionally and sometimes physically (i.e hitting) abused by my parents. I guess I got the brunt of it as I am the eldest-by quite a bit. 6 years between me and brother, 10 between myself and brother and sister.
As as result of the abuse, Ive suffered depression for most of my life, didnt realise it til after my son was born. I tried to commit suicide a few times as a teenager, the second time my parents caught me and my fathers reaction was to hit me and then precede to smash the front room up and leave, which is where my mother took over dragging me down the stairs by my hair, yelling look what you done, then preceding to lay into me physically also.
My siblings never experienced abuse to this extent theirs was more verbal...but they are definately of course all baring scars form having such toxic parents.

7 years ago i was so depressed I couldnt get out of bed, and I wont say I was suicidal but I will say it crossed my mind, and that no-one would either notice or care if I did disapear. I tried confiding to my mum at that stage, I guess I just wanted her to hug me and say it was ok. But she looked disgusted and told me not to be so ridiculous.
Thankfully I pulled it together and paid for a year of counselling (still wouldnt take the meds as too proud). I got as far away as I could- the other side of the world infact.
For a while I found peace, I felt 'so' free and happy I can not tell you. But somehow it all began to crumble again. I dont know what the trigger was but I'm guessing the fact my mum and dad began their descent into a very vicious divorce. It involved everyone, and divided us all.
Maybe I was pulled back in by this I dont know.
When I had my son, I finally had a reason to seek 'real' help and so....under the guise of PMD I went on Ads. I could not believe the difference it made to my life. The transformation was invcredible. I thought Id finally nailed it. But then had a huge urge to return home to my family and share my ds.
I think looking back now-the ad's were great but they were masking what was still going on inside me.
Like the OP on the thread you mentioned. I too obviously have some inherant need to be loved and accepted by them still.
Without the Ad's as a crutch (came off them to concieve) All the old feelings of rejection, hurt and anger seem to be flooding back right now.
The big thing in my family I think is control. They do it by dividing us and giving more to one than the other. EG my dad refusing to be in the same room as mum = you choose her or me. Those that chose him, younger bro- 60,000 for his business.
And sis a fully expensed car, convertible and never had to work in her life (not a real job anyway). Not saying this makes her a bad person. Its them not her. Theyve made her totally dependant.

when I first came back we got so close and shared the hurt of having a mother we couldnt depend on. I wanted to be there for her and she for me. I encouraged her to get a job, which she did and start becoming more independant. Since I moved away this has stopped and she has cut me out.

I have to stop here dont no how clear this comes accross. but wanted to answer you Atilla, and let you know how spot on you were, I cant belive it. Down to age gaps, divorce the lot. Thankyou

I see I have to find a better way of dealing with this...not sure how, but for the sake of my kids and my family who I love dearly.

warthog- thank you so much- My strong response to OP was due to my absolute hatred of feeling judged, and I guess my defence mechanism to how I was treated as a child. Thats why found last post hard hard to trust anyone with who I am. Rejection is like physical pain to me.

Cant stop crying...Im so angry at myself and at them for allowing this to take over so much of my life

Smithfield

I would strongly urge you to post on that other thread you have previously read - they will understand (tell them I sent you!). Seriously, you will find support there. Your ongoing pain is no less "worse" than theirs is, you should post there. Your toxic parents amongst other things used divide and conquer techniques commonly employed by such people (they're still doing it; one example being your Dad refusing to be in the same room as your Mum). Your parents shattered that covenant of trust when you were all abused.

You may also want to read "Toxic Parents" written by Susan Forward. It's not a panacea but it may help you see another way forward.
You may also want to have counselling (BACP have a list of counsellors), a few of those women on the other thread have done this and have found it helpful.

I'm sorry you're so upset. I'm leaving the thread now, because clearly this is about far more than a godparent choice. I hope you can find some way to move on and be happier.

smithfield

I didn't get a chance to post earlier, whilst I found your reply to hunker extreme I sensed it was lashing out due to a 'more than meets the eye' deep rooted pain.

It's the hardest thing in life to face the fact that your parent/parents are never going to be what you want/need them to be.

My knee jerk reaction is to say cut toxic people from your life...I did with my father (though my brother still sees him) but I understand this is not easy for some people. Like you I had much therapy and was on AD's and it sounds to me like more therapy for you could be a good thing. You seem to still have some issues which you could get help dealing with.

The pain of not being loved by a parent is so damaging - BUT - it doesn't have to control the rest of your life.

You will find MN can be a place of great comfort (and at times, much needed harsh truths) so keep posting.

Life is about YOUR family now, DH and DS. Keep your focus there and stay strong.

Gibbon- thank you so much for that- I think that's half the problem. Cutting them out seems so final, and currently more painful than what Im experiencing now IYKWIM. Feel like it would hurt me more than them.
Cant seem to shut off the wanting them to want me, to let me know Im good enough to be loved.
Im pushing my husband away at the moment-so punishing those who 'dont' deserve to be punished. Did you do this?

G-how did you find the strength? and do you feel loveable now

Attilla-still not sure-but I guess im needing support from others who've gone through it. Feelings have probably heightened since ds. I look at him and think 'How is it possible to be so cruel to something so beautiful? and then I think christ I must have really been a piece of Right? I mean for your parents to ignore you or act like they cant bare you, or lay into you when defencless??

dd- you were right in a roundabout way. I 'know' she's hurting terribly inside. Her treatment by my mother has been far more recent and thats what brought us together- but Im just frustrated I can no longer reach her. She disconnects.
I just really took offence to your comments about being 'precious' and expecting Xyz to do this that and the other at my wessing cos my day. probably would have found it funny if I wasnt so low atm- and i thought you were two peolpe posting, the other jumping on the bandwagon. So I apologize for the way I fended you off.

I'm a different person now smithfield...and yes I kept everyone at arms length and was pretty self destructive and defensive.
Luckily I have an amazing mother and step father - that did help.

It honestly is possible to change the way you're feeling - or at least come to some internal peace. This isn't about you. It's about their failing as parents. Their weakness, not yours.

Gibbon- you've set me off again. Can I ask what your father did for you to cut him out (its ok if you dont want to post it here). Guess the mother and step father helped. I did have an amazing nan, but she sadly passed away some time ago. Still miss her terribly. Unfortunatley she was a beautiful, warm person but unable to show it physically, so I was never hugged or cuddled as a child by anyone.

My husbands mother is very kind, but I dont trust her beacuse of my isses, think shes hiding something and ....etc etc.
My husband is also very loving - god knows how I landed him -but currently we're not even in the same bed. (can you relate to that? is there a link?

A daughters relationship with her father has a huge impact on future relationships. Both positive and negative.
I won't go into detail on here if you don't mind. Suffice to say he is very twisted, heartless and cruel.

I can't stress enough the benefit of the therapy I had..it was integrative hypnotherapy & psychotherapy and seriously has changed my life. After years of depression and being on self destruct I am now in the best mindset I have ever been in.

I now have a loving DH (who I too pushed to the limit at times) and an amzing DD. I always said I would never had kids. To scared of scewing them up like me. But now I'm confident that I am a caring, loving mum who is doing everything to provide a safe, secure and loving home for my daughter.

I haven't really gone into my history on MN before. But your post touched me.

Toxic parents rarely change...but you can

Logging off now smithfield, DD awake.

Take care, stay strong.

Thanks g-inaribbon- and thanks for sharing that with me

Hi Smithfield,

Re your comments:-
"Attilla-still not sure-but I guess im needing support from others who've gone through it".

Well many of them on there have gone through what you describe in terms of cruelty shown by the very people who were supposed to love them unconditionally.

"Feelings have probably heightened since ds".

This thought is also commonly expressed by adults who were children of toxic parents. Its when these people have their own children that such feelings long since buried subconsciously burst to the surface.

"I look at him and think 'How is it possible to be so cruel to something so beautiful? and then I think christ I must have really been a piece of ** Right? I mean for your parents to ignore you or act like they cant bare you, or lay into you when defencless??"

No you yourself were not a piece of crap and it was and is never your fault. They themselves were and are at fault and failed you all abysmally to treat you and your siblings so abusively.

Please read the other thread and post on it if you haven't already done so. Many of those women on there could relate themselves to what you have been through to date.

With best wishes

Attila

Hi Smithfield,

I've just noticed you have posted on the other thread.

Thanks attila, took a deep breath and went for it. I went back and read the first few pages and thought yes this could be helpful.

You have been so kind....thanks for finding me here. Thought I'd buried all this, or got past it.