Not wanting children, husband does 2.0

[Daisy790]

Earlier this year I posted about my husband being really keen to have children whilst I had never really wanted any.

We talked a lot and in the end he said he chose me over children, I wasn't wholly convinced but I decided to take him at his word.

Well, the subject has reared its ugly head again and he has realised it is not as easy as just saying he chooses me. I understand this, and I don't want him to miss out or be unhappy in life.

The trouble is we are now at the point of breaking up unless I change my mind. He isn't pressuring me and understands my feelings, but he also doesn't want to wait around another 6 months+ for me to realise I definitely won't have a child.

There have certainly been points in our marriage where I would have more easily made the choice to split, but we've grown closer over the past few months and the thought of splitting up is very upsetting.

We haven't even been married 2 years yet, and it has been a pretty bumpy ride but it does feel like we are finally improving on how we communicate. It feels hard to imagine my future without him now.

I'm now trying to give honest thought to the idea of having a child. I have pretty much always been certain I don't want children, for many many reasons. The idea of pregnancy and birth scare me beyond what is normal I think. I also grew up from a young age acting as a carer to my mum. I stopped feeling like a child very early on, and missed out on the feeling of being cared for. I've never been sure I have it in me to be a 'parent' again.

I can see that some aspects might be enjoyable but it's still hard to feel like I want a child in my life. I like peace and quiet and my own time, and I don't like feeling trapped. I feel like children don't necessarily compliment this?

I don't want to lose him, but I can't figure out if us splitting up is the lesser of two evils.
I think I'm upset because I feel like I've fought through so much to get to this happier place with him, and now it will be for nothing if I don't have a child. I'm worried ill regret losing him, but also I really don't want to regret having a child. My friends tell me I probably wouldn't regret it, but that's easy to say from people who always wanted children!

I'd love any advice from people who have made a compromise or split up over this issue? Did you have regrets or was it a good decision?

I'm generally a rational, sensible person but my brain honestly feels scrambled about this now.

You sound pretty balanced and I agree your childhood trauma could be clouding parenthood. The steps you have taken seem fair reasonable and thought out.

Your DH on the other hand... not so much.
Huge red flags in various places
He says his life lacks meaning in its current state (work, hobbies etc) but when he's been in a job that really made a difference and volunteering on the side, he still felt the same way. He keeps saying having a child will give his life that purpose. He did say he knows it isn't enough and that he needs to find it in himself too but the trouble is he never does. Mostly I think because his perspective is not sound. He is a good man and has a very nice life in so many ways, but he holds onto the negatives
This is before we get into the sulking and demands.
He sounds like a child that wants a puppy and needs it now. What happens when he is bored of his new toy? Who will be left holding the (actual) baby...?
What if he finds his next/New "purpose" in the form of 100km bike rides aka shirking family life. how will your life look?

I would use therapy to explore and think VERY carefully about both a.
Whether you want children and B.
Whether you want one with this man.

He does not sound like prime father material.

Don't do it.

Having a baby is like lobbing a hand grenade into your marriage. It may survive. It may not. But until you have done the relentless rounds of sleepless nights, shitty nappies and feeding, you can't be sure.

I love my kids. Myself and my partner were on the same page about it from the moment we got together. It's still the hardest thing I have ever done - it shredded my body, sanity and career for years. I am only now recovering that sense of "me", now my youngest is at school.

If I was not 100% on board, I would have ended up resenting my partner for this life choice. There are still days when I look wistfully at my childless friends, especially after this past year of pandemic parenting.

I second counselling, but this is one of the binary choices where there can be no compromise in your marriage. You can't hand a baby back.

His sulking is a big red flag OP. He doesn't appear to want kids to give them a good life, he just wants to satisfy his own need. Not a good reason at all.

You are being awfully accommodating and understanding for someone who doesn't seem to be up for doing the same in return. You're going to counselling in the hope you might "realise" you actually want a baby, while he's sulking and refusing to address his feelings of purposelessness beyond you providing a child. It sounds like he's the one who needs counseling...

Quite apart from that: don't have a child you aren't absolutely sure you wholeheartedly and enthusiastically want. Don't have one because you think it might be okay, don't have one because you think he'll step up and do the bulk of it - only have one if you actively, positively and definitely WANT one.

Hard as it is, it sounds like it's best to let this whole marriage go.

Having a child is hard enough when the child was wanted, I can’t imagine doing it when you didn’t really want to. I think resentment will build and that’s the beginning of the end for any relationship really. You may end up being a single Mother just because you had a child to appease your husband, it isn’t worth it.

You don’t want children and that’s absolutely ok but he clearly desperately does so you need to let him go.

@TheABC that's a wonderful analogy, the hand grenade!!

I was married twenty years, went through many losses, nothing worked, told we would never have children. Then, for no apparent reason, two came along. The description of a hand grenade is exactly what happened. Unbelievable the impact a baby had on us. We are fine but my god it was, is hard.

I would actually be tempted to tell him to get one of those baby dolls that are realistic like a real baby, that you have to properly look after day and night. Let him look after it by himself for a week. He gets no help from you at all. See if he still wants kids after that.

I think he just wants the fun side of being a dad. He hasnt got a clue of how difficult it actually is, and let's face it, it's usually the woman that does the majority of the work.

Having a baby doesn't guarantee that he'll stay with you forever. What if you split up for some reason? You'd be left on your own with a child to look after. And anyway, having one baby, he might want another!

Having children is like a hand grenade, I agree @TheABC. They are wonderful, but it is life changing, can be very stressful and that is if you really wanted to have them in the first place! Honestly, if you don't want them, don't have them. Don't be pushed into it.

@SmokeyDevil

I would actually be tempted to tell him to get one of those baby dolls that are realistic like a real baby, that you have to properly look after day and night. Let him look after it by himself for a week. He gets no help from you at all. See if he still wants kids after that.

I think he just wants the fun side of being a dad. He hasnt got a clue of how difficult it actually is, and let's face it, it's usually the woman that does the majority of the work.

Pah! I found newborns a piece of piss. Toddlers and pre-schoolers, however . . .

I can’t have children and my husband has always said that he married me for me and not for any hypothetical children we might have had.

The idea that you should have children to give his life purpose is really jarring. Children are individuals in their own right not extensions of their parents. I think your DH has completely unrealistic ideas about fatherhood & parenting

Do you think he has a rose tinted view of children and what they’d bring into your lives? I think many men, even in this day and age, are at risk of that because they probably subconsciously assume that all of the drudgery will be done by the mum and it’ll be fun, cuteness and “daddy you’re wonderful, you’re my hero” (ie an ego boost) for them! Is he underestimating just how much hard work kids are and that he has to get involved (equally!) in that hard work, not to mention the strain even one child would put on your relationship? Your ‘free’ time will be dramatically reduced. He’s got be realistic and consider what your lives would look like if, for example, you had a child born with a disability or special needs.
Say if you had a child and he didn’t go into it with open eyes, and struggled with the reality, it could lead to a lot of resentment on both your sides. I’m sorry this all sounds so negative but I do think a lot of men have a very different view of what parenthood means to women!

This might be controversial, but I think it might be slightly easier having children when you aren't sure about them in the first place. Bear with me on this...

I didn't particularly want children, and whilst it's been hard at times of course, I went into it thinking it would be really really hard, that I wouldn't enjoy it much etc, but the reality was better than my very low expectation.

Many parents go into having children having an idolised vision of it. And then when the reality is that it can be hard, it can be a real shock to the system.

It doesn't mean it's not a hand grenade, just that that's harder to fresh with if you are expecting a sparkler then a bike!

Everyone varies though, and I do think it's something that you shouldn't ever feel pressured into.

Probably time to stop this thread now OP. It’s time to concentrate on your husband and relationship - I personally feel sorry for him and I hope he reaches the right decision for him

You don’t want kids.

He wants kids.

You are having counselling to explore the idea of whether it might be possible to change your mind.

Why can’t he go and have counselling to hopefully make HIM change his mind about having kids...? Why is it not equal in this regard?

After all, you have been the one who has been unequivocal about it all these years... He has seemingly swayed on it...

Babyboomtastic I actually agree. It's the best thing that happened to me and I was unsure for years if children were for me.

But none of us can say how Daisy will feel. It's a tough decision to make.

Op it must be very difficult. The idea of splitting up with your husband & then him finding a new wife and having a child can’t be nice.
If you don’t want a child you need to be straight with him & yourself and let him go & be prepared for this in the future…
Children are hard work and put pressure on any marriage- if you go into this for the wrong reasons - you may actually find you enjoy motherhood - but always resent your husband…something you may not have considered - feeling pressured is not the right reason to go into this. It’s a shame you didn’t discuss this before marriage. Good luck

Pah! I found newborns a piece of piss. Toddlers and pre-schoolers, however . . .

Yea you did. But what about many dad's out there that don't have the first clue about dealing with a newborn? I wonder what this guys plan is for when they have their child if they have one, or has he even thought that far ahead? Like who does the caring during the day and night, do both go back to work and if so how do they share night time? Or does one stay at home, if so who?

I doubt he has thought at all about any of this. Or has any clue how to be a parent from day 1. Will op get left to deal with it all? Possibly. I think she should ask him these questions. See if he actually has any answers.

I think there is a horribly sexist thread running through here that a man can't possibly really want a child or know what it entails, or want the fully care for one.

I appreciate many women have ended up with less than useful partners, but if a woman's as desperate for a child no one would be saying 'I bet you haven't got a clue' etc.

I certainly don't think she should give into his demands because he's changed his mind (and frankly given the situation, and how she feels, splitting up might be the more sensible long term option) but it horrifies me how different the attitudes are to a broody man and a broody woman on here.

Who'll be left with any DC more then likely when this 'bumpy' marriage with red flags of less than two years fails.
Statistically you.
Don't do it.

@Babyboomtastic

I think there is a horribly sexist thread running through here that a man can't possibly really want a child or know what it entails, or want the fully care for one.

I appreciate many women have ended up with less than useful partners, but if a woman's as desperate for a child no one would be saying 'I bet you haven't got a clue' etc.

I certainly don't think she should give into his demands because he's changed his mind (and frankly given the situation, and how she feels, splitting up might be the more sensible long term option) but it horrifies me how different the attitudes are to a broody man and a broody woman on here.

The likelihood is though, he won't be that much of a hands on dad, as most aren't. It's actually rare to have a dad that does the majority of the care for a baby. Usually it's the mother that takes maternity for longer if one parent does. It's usually the mother that becomes a stay at home parent.

To be fair though, I think some women should think more about how much effort goes into having a child. The amount that say they were shocked by how hard it is does surprise me. It's a very difficult thing to do and not something that should be treated lightly, yet so many do.

I get what you're saying @Babyboomtastic, but as PPs have said there are a lot of men who really want children but who have no idea how hard it is, and only think of the fun cute stuff. They also do nothing to educate themselves about it - my DH is one of these unfortunately. I told him again and again it would be hard, stressful etc and his friends who are parents did as well, but he didn't really take it on board. The first few weeks were a crash down to earth for him, and he retreated. We've never achieved the parenting partnership he promised, because frankly, he's not cut out for it. I think it will be better when our son is older and there's less repetitive drudgery (DS is 10months atm and it's already better than it was) but until then, I'm basically carrying everything. I kind of thought this would happen though, so went into it with my eyes fairly open.

Anyway, to talk about the OP - your H sounds like he has a rosy view of parenthood too, and he's placing a massive and unfair expectation on a child to "give his life meaning". Frankly he's the one who needs counselling to consider why he wants children, as at the moment it doesn't sound like it's coming from a good place at all.

Did you ever talk about children before you got married?

@Babyboomtastic

I think there is a horribly sexist thread running through here that a man can't possibly really want a child or know what it entails, or want the fully care for one.

I appreciate many women have ended up with less than useful partners, but if a woman's as desperate for a child no one would be saying 'I bet you haven't got a clue' etc.

I certainly don't think she should give into his demands because he's changed his mind (and frankly given the situation, and how she feels, splitting up might be the more sensible long term option) but it horrifies me how different the attitudes are to a broody man and a broody woman on here.

exactly what I was thinking.