Not wanting children, husband does 2.0

[Daisy790]

Earlier this year I posted about my husband being really keen to have children whilst I had never really wanted any.

We talked a lot and in the end he said he chose me over children, I wasn't wholly convinced but I decided to take him at his word.

Well, the subject has reared its ugly head again and he has realised it is not as easy as just saying he chooses me. I understand this, and I don't want him to miss out or be unhappy in life.

The trouble is we are now at the point of breaking up unless I change my mind. He isn't pressuring me and understands my feelings, but he also doesn't want to wait around another 6 months+ for me to realise I definitely won't have a child.

There have certainly been points in our marriage where I would have more easily made the choice to split, but we've grown closer over the past few months and the thought of splitting up is very upsetting.

We haven't even been married 2 years yet, and it has been a pretty bumpy ride but it does feel like we are finally improving on how we communicate. It feels hard to imagine my future without him now.

I'm now trying to give honest thought to the idea of having a child. I have pretty much always been certain I don't want children, for many many reasons. The idea of pregnancy and birth scare me beyond what is normal I think. I also grew up from a young age acting as a carer to my mum. I stopped feeling like a child very early on, and missed out on the feeling of being cared for. I've never been sure I have it in me to be a 'parent' again.

I can see that some aspects might be enjoyable but it's still hard to feel like I want a child in my life. I like peace and quiet and my own time, and I don't like feeling trapped. I feel like children don't necessarily compliment this?

I don't want to lose him, but I can't figure out if us splitting up is the lesser of two evils.
I think I'm upset because I feel like I've fought through so much to get to this happier place with him, and now it will be for nothing if I don't have a child. I'm worried ill regret losing him, but also I really don't want to regret having a child. My friends tell me I probably wouldn't regret it, but that's easy to say from people who always wanted children!

I'd love any advice from people who have made a compromise or split up over this issue? Did you have regrets or was it a good decision?

I'm generally a rational, sensible person but my brain honestly feels scrambled about this now.

Honestly OP being a mum is shit a lot of the time. The exhaustion, the whinging, the repetition, the lack of sense of self.

My eldest is 10. I'd die for my kids but I don't think they've made me happy. The worry, anxiety and resentment is huge.

Don't do it unless YOU REALLY want a baby. The joy does not outweigh all the hard bits.

You said right from the beginning you don't want children and you haven't changed your mind. He has to decide whether he wants to stay with you or not. It isn't your decision it's his you have always been clear about it.

You both deserve to want what you want - I think you have solid reasons for not wanting a child and his reasons for wanting one seem to be growing. It's very sad but it might be better (not easier) to separate sooner rather than later.

I think having a child would be a mistake. The way you write about it, there's no doubt. I think I read your other thread and, assuming it's the thread I'm thinking of, from memory, there was never any ambivalent statements like, "I have always been clear I don't want children although I love spending time with my friend's children" or "Sometimes when I see the love parents have for their children I do wonder what that would be like." There is nothing in anything I'v seen that suggests you have even a single tiny desire for a child.

Also, I'm sorry to be cynical, but it's all very well saying he'll be the SAHD and take primary parent position etc, but really, would he? You say he's great with his nieces and nephews but what does that mean? That he plays with them happily? Has he ever asked to have them for a day and then, during that day, proactively ensured they're entertained, fed, watered, changed (if necessary?). Have you ever heard him talking to his siblings about what the children need/want or challenges? Because being the playful Uncle is not the same.

I'm not saying he'll be a crappy dad. I'm just saying that my experience is that even the really really great, hands on, take the time dads are still quite happy to let the thinking and planning and all the rest fall to the woman. And that whether it's natural or socialised, as women, we cannot simply ignore it.

Having children is a hard long slog. If you don't think you want kids then you'll find it physically, emotionally and mentally difficult, and as much as you may love and care for your child, it's not a good place to be in and will affect you greatly. This is my opinion of course and we are all different.

It's so sad when a couple have differing wants that are deal breakers. You can't really get past it without one of you compromising on a deal breaker, and this subject doesn't just affect the people involved, but will potentially affect the whole of a child's life, right through to, and beyond adulthood

This is very hard. I was an unwanted child, and while my mum did her best and loved me very much, I felt her resentment of our circumstances throughout my childhood. I didn't think much of it at the time, but I do think it affected my self esteem overall.

Not only do you need to think of this from your point of view, but your theoretical child's. You haven't really changed your mind, you don't want to lose your DP and for this to be a deal breaker.

As someone else up thread said, if you ended up being a single parent for whatever reason, what would your gut reaction be?

I was adamant I didn’t want children. I’m very introverted and like my own space and peace and quiet. ExDH really wanted a family and I eventually gave in and we had DS when I was in my mid thirties.

It turned out ExDH really wanted a toy he could bring out every now and then to show people what a great dad he was. The day to day slog was very much mine, he was always too busy to get involved. Never did a doctor/dentist appointment, parents evenings were too inconvenient, school run would be impossible as he had to go to the gym before work etc.

DS is now an adult and whilst I love him dearly I couldn’t get over the resentment towards ExDH for putting me in that situation and we split a couple of years ago.

He doesn't really gave a clue about parenthood unless he's been there already.
I wanted my child. Had those idealised views. But I've struggled with all aspects of being a mum. There are times I would turn back the clock on that decision in an instant. I most definitely would not have another child.
So I wouldn't go by the wishes of an inexperienced dad-to-be.

@Daisy790

I don’t know if you should have a child or not. But it does seem to me that you haven’t fully dealt with your childhood experience of having to take care of your mom and her not being nurturing. You haven’t been ‘taken care of’ and hence don’t feel you can give love and care to someone.

This is the main thing that I noticed in your post.

So - I think processing and dealing with your childhood is actually quite important.
Not only to figure out if you actually don’t want to have kids - or if the earlier trauma is affecting you and preventing you from something you’d otherwise want to do.
But also - more generally - that trauma must be affecting your adult relationships.
If your main need in a relationship is to be/feel ‘taken care of’ - and you aren’t much a giver of care in return - the misbalance will at some point catch up with you. No relationship can survive or be happy for long when one is always a taker.

As to kids. Plenty of people get nudged along to have them. And kids can be difficult for a bit. But they aren’t dependent on you forever. And with help and an involved partner - life with kids can be fun too.

I think the child thing is a bit of a red herring to be honest. You've been married for two years and its been rocky? People are usually in their honeymoon period for the first two years. Its also a red flag you did not discuss the whole children thing before you married.
My sister didn't want children - to the point the thought of accidentally falling pregnant filled her with so much dread she had her tubes tide when she was in her 20s. She met a man when in her 30s who wanted children but she was clear she was not up for having them and he decided to stay with her anyway. She eventually changed her mind and had IVF at 38 falling pregnant with a son. And no she doesn't regret it. But her story is different to you in that her partner choose to stay childless with her - she changed her mind without the threat of losing her partner like you have. Also, what if things go pears up and you end up literally holding the baby and being a single mother raising a child you said you never wanted?

[quote MMmomDD]@Daisy790

I don’t know if you should have a child or not. But it does seem to me that you haven’t fully dealt with your childhood experience of having to take care of your mom and her not being nurturing. You haven’t been ‘taken care of’ and hence don’t feel you can give love and care to someone.

This is the main thing that I noticed in your post.

So - I think processing and dealing with your childhood is actually quite important.
Not only to figure out if you actually don’t want to have kids - or if the earlier trauma is affecting you and preventing you from something you’d otherwise want to do.
But also - more generally - that trauma must be affecting your adult relationships.
If your main need in a relationship is to be/feel ‘taken care of’ - and you aren’t much a giver of care in return - the misbalance will at some point catch up with you. No relationship can survive or be happy for long when one is always a taker.

As to kids. Plenty of people get nudged along to have them. And kids can be difficult for a bit. But they aren’t dependent on you forever. And with help and an involved partner - life with kids can be fun too.[/quote]
Agree with this. The trauma struck me too and anything significant in childhood has a huge subconscious impact on our adult lives. It makes sense for OP to have counselling and therapy to deal with that significant issue in her childhood before making a final decision on whether she wants kids or not.

You want different things
Sadly its not going to work

Did you not know how each other felt before marrying? Not that it matters now

He may get with someone else, and it turns out she cant have children or maybe he cant have them.

Lots for both of you to consider

For most of my life I didn’t want children. OH knew that when we settled down and never pressured me. I finally decided late 30s that I wanted to make him happy, I wasn’t sure, so I came off the pill and let nature decide.

I’m now a happy Mum to two kids. I absolutely never saw myself as a mum. I have also kept my career so don’t have regrets about giving that up.

Let him go. No child deserves to feel unwanted, which they will if you have any.

I recently spoke to a woman who didn't want children but had one to please her husband. They split up. She told me how much she resented her daughter, it was so sad to hear because by how strongly this woman felt, the child must've felt it too. Let him go.

Don't have a child to stay married op , it's really, really tough on any relationship even if both parents desperately wanted kids . You'll probably break up anyway and you will be left with a child in the mix, it would be unfair.
I never wanted kids but ended up with a surprise late in life . Really love my ds but my relationship didn't survive partly because I found saying goodbye to my chi free life so hard.
I'm only just getting used to it now and he's 7!

I’d echo what pp said about getting some counselling for yourself (and considering couples therapy?)

DH and I have been together since our early twenties. He wanted kids, I resolutely didn’t. I was parentified by my mother and felt very responsible for my younger siblings. I knew having children was “hard work” and didn’t want that for myself. I felt it was easier for DH to want kids as he would not have to carry, birth, care for them etc.

We almost broke up several times in our early relationship over this, but we were young and had time on our side so kept kicking the can down the road. Eventually and after many conversations, arguments and some therapy we reached a middle ground where we both could accept the others preference and leave it open. DH really made sure this was communicated. That took a huge pressure off me.

Meanwhile we got a dog, we got married and I continued to work through my own “stuff“. I let go of a lot of the responsibility I felt towards my mother & siblings ( it was hard and painful at times and those relationships are still re-orientating themselves.)

A few years ago I realised I didn’t want my fears to hold me back from experience. We decided to have a child. DH and I discussed in detail and at length how we would share responsibilities and the role he would play in supporting me through pregnancy & parenting our child. I trust him and knew he would honour his promises.

Like you I also enjoy peace and solitude. I’m currently resting in our spare room while DH bathes and puts our 8 month old to bed. Tonight he will settle her if she wakes in the night, tomorrow he will take her out for her morning nap. When I return to work we will both be part time & patch together childcare between us and a childminder. We made a through and solid plan and we both feel lucky it’s worked out as we hoped.

I hated pregnancy, I don’t think I’ll do it again, I also found it hard to deal with the uncertainty around birth (though mine was pretty good in the end, or at least I feel good about it). I’ve been bowled away by my love for my dd, I have of course felt tired, frustrated etc but I don’t find it hard. I’m so incredibly glad I allowed myself to have her. My partner has been as dedicated, involved and present as he promised to be.

Only you can make this choice for yourself OP and if you choose to you have to really want it.

Thanks for all of the advice it really is helpful. My head is all over the place at the moment.
I contacted a counsellor today so I can hopefully have at least a few sessions to talk about my feelings in a constructive way. I'm quite anxious to start as I feel like I'm just wasting dhs time in the mean time.

I wouldn't say I generally have unresolved trauma, I've just ended up a very independent person. In some ways I suppose that can be both good and bad.

I definitely don't need to be looked after in relationships at all. My husband regularly says he wishes he could do more for me. I am just so used to relying on myself it's hard to change the habit of a lifetime.
It's the complete helplessness that a baby has, that level of responsibility does scare me. I enjoy caring for my husband, but i know he doesn't need me.

I really wish I felt the same way as my husband does, because we do seem to be growing together a lot more atm. Maybe counselling will help, or maybe it won't.

Glad you are getting counselling op. You are in a hard place at the moment. It's very sad but I hope it gives you the strength to let him go.

I was on the other side in a similar situation. I desperately wanted kids, DP didn’t. He tried to talk himself into wanting kids, and I tried to talk myself out of wanting kids, but neither of us managed it. We had a great relationship in every other way, and it was heartbreaking for both of us to split. But I knew that if I stayed, child free, I would end up resenting him and ultimately hating him for the sacrifice I’d made.
It was a very painful time for both of us, but we’re now happily settled with other people. I have kids, and he found someone who didn’t want kids either. No regrets.

Well husband and I were talking last night. I had told him I'd got my first session for next week, and then once a week for now. He knows that it could go either way. I want us to work out and there are aspects of having a child that do sound nice. I want to make sure my feelings are mine and not clouded by my experiences. I've said I'd like to go for a month or two, I don't think it will take too long trying to see how I really feel. I've said I respected it if he doesn't want to wait for that even.

Last night he was saying if we stay together and had a child, he would ideally want to start trying this year or next. I thought about it and this morning just said for full transparency, even if I felt it was what I wanted, this year would be too soon. I said I'd want to feel like Id made a decision and then had some time to prepare, get a bit fitter and make sure I was as healthy as possible going into it. I said next summer could be a good time (assuming we made that decision to stay together and have a baby). I said if after a few months of counselling I didn't feel like I could genuinely say I'll l be ready in a year, I would be honest about that. I have no interest in deceiving him or wasting his time.

He basically just got aggrivated saying he doesn't wanna keep waiting and he doesn't see the point in me going to counselling as I won't change my mind (his words). And here I am trying to give it honest, open thought because I love him, and also because I don't want my life to be dictated by difficult experiences I had as a child. Maybe I won't change my mind enough that I do it, but I don't feel I'm losing anything by giving it some serious thought.

Honestly I went from feeling really upset by his reaction, and now angry that I'm starting to feel like he doesn't care about my feelings at all or my physical wellbeing.

I'd said to him in the past in a hypothetical world where I had a child I'd always want to go into pregnancy in the best shape I could. I know it doesn't ensure that nothing goes wrong, and I'm sure my body would still change very dramatically, but at least if I felt I'd done as much as I could.
I also come from a past of an eating disorder and quite bad body dysmorphia (I'm okay these days) , but I know pregnancy would be a challenge in that regard.

I don't know why I'm bothering :(

Did you not discuss it before getting married?
But yes, you want different things and if you're not on the same page, it's time to spilt. You may find someone like you who definitely doesn't want children...but time changes people, so you may find people change their mind as years go by, so don't hold onto what was agreed at one time being gospel

Let him go. He will always be unhappy

OP why would adoption be better for you? This is normally for people who desperately want a dc. Adoption is a lot harder in many ways, the process to get there is long and arduous and adopted children commonly have much higher support needs, almost all have some form of attachment or developmental trauma that can affect them for life. If you were honest with the agencies that you're unsure about wanting dc then I'm not sure you'd even be considered tbh.

I think it's unlikely you'd ever be agreeing for any other reason than your dh wants a dc so the waiting is surely just prolonging the pain

I agree with your husband. You know if you want a child. You can't counsel yourself into wanting one. You want a family at some point in the future or you don't.

You're saying to him you need months of counselling. If it's a yes from there you want to get into "the best shape" for pregnancy. Done sensibly and depending on how much weight you have to lose, that could take up to two years.

He has waited for your answer for a long time and he could meet someone who wants a family and be happy.

I wouldn't be happy without children. I have friends who wouldn't be happy with children. If you are in the second camp and he's in the first, you are just not compatible and need to move on from each other into happy relationships.