Not wanting children, husband does 2.0

[Daisy790]

Earlier this year I posted about my husband being really keen to have children whilst I had never really wanted any.

We talked a lot and in the end he said he chose me over children, I wasn't wholly convinced but I decided to take him at his word.

Well, the subject has reared its ugly head again and he has realised it is not as easy as just saying he chooses me. I understand this, and I don't want him to miss out or be unhappy in life.

The trouble is we are now at the point of breaking up unless I change my mind. He isn't pressuring me and understands my feelings, but he also doesn't want to wait around another 6 months+ for me to realise I definitely won't have a child.

There have certainly been points in our marriage where I would have more easily made the choice to split, but we've grown closer over the past few months and the thought of splitting up is very upsetting.

We haven't even been married 2 years yet, and it has been a pretty bumpy ride but it does feel like we are finally improving on how we communicate. It feels hard to imagine my future without him now.

I'm now trying to give honest thought to the idea of having a child. I have pretty much always been certain I don't want children, for many many reasons. The idea of pregnancy and birth scare me beyond what is normal I think. I also grew up from a young age acting as a carer to my mum. I stopped feeling like a child very early on, and missed out on the feeling of being cared for. I've never been sure I have it in me to be a 'parent' again.

I can see that some aspects might be enjoyable but it's still hard to feel like I want a child in my life. I like peace and quiet and my own time, and I don't like feeling trapped. I feel like children don't necessarily compliment this?

I don't want to lose him, but I can't figure out if us splitting up is the lesser of two evils.
I think I'm upset because I feel like I've fought through so much to get to this happier place with him, and now it will be for nothing if I don't have a child. I'm worried ill regret losing him, but also I really don't want to regret having a child. My friends tell me I probably wouldn't regret it, but that's easy to say from people who always wanted children!

I'd love any advice from people who have made a compromise or split up over this issue? Did you have regrets or was it a good decision?

I'm generally a rational, sensible person but my brain honestly feels scrambled about this now.

In your shoes I wouldn’t be forced into it. Until you have children you can’t understand how massive an undertaking it really is. Everything changes forever. You are public property. You will be perpetually guilty for things you’ve done and things you haven’t. If your husband is a natural father and dedicates his life to his child then it may make you feel inadequate, worse still you may even lose custody of your child to your husband if you divorce and be in a situation where you’re paying him child maintenance.

I never wanted kids. DH and i met in school and got married when i was 20, so it wasnt even something we talked about at that age.
6-7 years later DH wore me down and changed my mind. We had 2 with a 1 1/2year age gap.
They are 6 and 7 now. Ive never regretted it for a second.
Best decision i ever made.

Im not saying thats how its gonna be for you. But it could be amazing.
DH is very hands on with the kids and also with housework, even at the beginning when i was a sahp. That definitely helped. I think i would probably be less happy if i had to do it all myself in the end.

Have you talked about how parenting would work? Would he be prepared to go part time or refuse promotions etc. Should it be necessary? Would he expect you to still meet up with friends etc. And keep some of your freedom.

I think if he's willing to take on what is traditionally the mother's role this could work but if he's expecting you to sacrifice yourself in the alter of motherhood it's a different matter

It's one thing sacrificing a small thing but you'd be sacrificing the life you wanted.
It's 24/7.
Its relentless.
There are joyous bits too of course but those might not be as joyous to you.

Sorry OP, I also think that you should probably split. This is just one of those things where there's no room to compromise.

I love being a mum but it entirely changes the course of your life. I sympathise with your DH's feelings and there's nothing wrong with what he wants. But your wish to not have children is equally worthy of respect. You both deserve to have the kind of life you want, and I don't see how you can achieve that by staying together. I understand it's really hard though, sending you lots of love.

He has said he would happily be a stay at home dad, but is happy with whatever would suit me best. I do trust that he would be very hands on, probably far more than me.

I haven't been through this myself OP, but I'd be wary of the above as I'm sure lots of people who are desperate for children, male or female, make these kinds of assertions prior to having a baby. Doesn't mean they will actually follow through or not expect you to do loads of the work too when it actually comes to it. And tbh I guess that's sort of fair enough if someone does agree to having a child - it isn't a job one person usually wants to do alone. Not to mention, as you've said, a load of it naturally falls to you anyway as the woman (pregnancy, birth, recovery) so it's not a level playing field to begin with.

I feel like I wouldn't want to miss out on everything by staying at work full time. But I wouldn't want to not work either. I like earning my own money and feeling independent.

I'd also be wary that the societal and mental pressure on women when it comes to mothering is immense. You may not feel as free to make these choices when it actually comes to it. Or you might! Obviously it's different for everyone.

Basically, I'd just be very conscious that it's a lot harder to have a baby for your partner as a woman than it is as a man. Even your own feelings following the birth may lead you to make choices that you wouldn't make with your current cool head. Not to mention that when it comes to it your DH might not be as happy to be the primary parent as he is saying now.

So I'd say only agree to this if you are genuinely open to being a mother and how it will change your life a lot, don't just do it for your DH.

I never wanted kids, XH did. Note the ex part. I am happily remarried to DH, who also doesn't want kids. My life is exactly as I want it and I am very, very glad I never caved (this would have been less than a snowball's chance in hell TBF). XH has gone on to breed and set his life up as he wants it; I am very glad he isn't still trying to change me in order to get it.

Also, first time parenting is a totally new and different experience to anything either of you will have experienced before. It may be that your DH actually doesn't enjoy or want it as much as he thought he did, and then where would that leave you if you still felt as you do now?

Having children is life changing. Some people like me find it very difficult, some find it an absolute breeze and love it, even if they weren't sure about wanting them originally.
Please don't have a child to keep a man. The woman has to carry, give birth, bear the brunt of sleepless nights and do more of the childcare. That's just the way it is. I have one DD, but I also love my job and free time which is why I don't want a second child.
I would give it some good thought, as being a mother is fantastic and you do get some time back when the baby years are over. If you have plenty of support you don't have to say goodbye to yourself and what you enjoy doing.

It does sounds like you've fully explored this avenue and unfortunately it probably is time to call it a day. I wouldn't want to feel resentment from your husband in this case, both now and in years to come.

Best of luck, OP

And although everyone has said the same things such as hard work etc etc I have never come across anyone who said they would change it.

Because it's still taboo. However, it is very frequently said on Mn, an anonymous, woman-dominated forum, where such things can be said with no repercussions.

OP, I wouldn't even give a passing thought to adoption in your shoes the process is gruelling, and the early stages are designed to put off the casual and ambivalent. You have to really, really want a child to get to an approval panel, and even if you were successful, a child whose early experiences may have been adverse deserves new parents who really, really want him or her and with an adopted child, one of you may not be able to return to work for years, depending on your child's needs. If you don't want to have a biological child and it's clearly not just the idea of pregnancy and giving birth that are putting you off take adoption off the table.

OP don't have a child you don't want.

As others have said, as painful as it is, it's far easier to let go and in time find a partner who wants the same lifestyle as you than to do something so earth shatteringly life-changing that you don't want....

Also, you might well end up resenting your husband for 'pushing' you into motherhood, and your relationship might not survive that. You could find yourself in a situation where your relationship comes to an end and then you are a single mum to a child you didn't originally want.

Not wanting a child is a fair, normal and totally reasonable thing to feel. If that's the path you want to choose for your life and you know it deep down, stick with it.

Nothing will upend your life more than motherhood
x

He's out of order. He told you he'd chosen you over having a child and now you know he never meant it. He obviously thinks he can persuade you to change your mind which means he wasn't properly listening to you when you said you didn't want children. Why would he want you to have a baby when he knows you don't want one? Immensely selfish of him.

Add to that you've also stated that you could've walked away from your marriage in the past 2 years and it's not been an easy marriage for the most part. In what what would a child improve this?

My DH was the same as yours, I had a good career and no desire to have a child. After about 2 years and my company making everyone redundant-I started to think there was more to life and I was ready. Unfortunately your DH has to wait until you are ready-and take the risk of you never being ready or you need to be kind and let him go.
I love my two DS, it is the best thing I did and have done. I wouldn't have felt that way if it was forced on me. I was in my early 30's and married nearly 10 years before I had children.
Only you know if you are ready, if you aren't then you really can't be forced. You have to be honest with your DH though.

OP, it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks of children, or parenting. The reality is you and your DH are fundamentally incompatible. It doesn't matter how close you are, how well you get on, and how much you love each other - the relationship cannot work because one of you will have to sacrifice or compromise on something very important.

Your reasons for wanting children will not go away - and they are valid and right for you. Similarly, asking someone to give up on their hopes of a family also isn't correct. There isn't any counselling or support that will change these things - it just prolongs it even more.

I have 2 couple friends - in both cases the women do not and never have wanted kids. But they loved their partners, wanted marriage and thought that in time they would come around to the idea. Both couples have been married 6 years - in their mid-late 30s, the women still don't want children and the resentment and anger has now set in on both sides. Divorce is inevitable. And it is really sad to watch. But with incompatibilities like this, there isn't another option.

If you really love your DH, the right thing is to walk away and allow him the chance to find someone who can give him what you can't. Because you know deep down you won't change your mind as much as he hopes you might. And you also know that he will always feel sad at not having children - that sadness can settle into a pervading sense of loss and regret that filters into every aspect of life. You don't want to watch that happen to someone you care about. Your DH may be a fantastic dad (my dad certainly was), so to deny him that chance isn't right. Similarly for you, to force yourself to birth and raise a child into a life you hate, isn't fair.

A difficult decision so I'm wishing you luck.

He's out of order. He told you he'd chosen you over having a child and now you know he never meant it. He obviously thinks he can persuade you to change your mind which means he wasn't properly listening to you when you said you didn't want children. Why would he want you to have a baby when he knows you don't want one? Immensely selfish of him.

I don't feel that he's out of order or selfish, just that he is in the same dilemma as OP. He loves her and doesn't want to end their relationship, but he equally has something else that's very important to him. I don't think either of them are wrong, they just have difficult decisions to make.

The feeling of being trapped is real. I wanted children and have no regrets but I still get that feeling sometimes. The only thing that makes it ok is that I chose it and I'm happy with my choice. The feeling goes after a while.
Don't have children. Whatever pain you are avoiding by doing it is nothing compared to what it is like to grow up with a reluctant mother as your mum.
The slow realisation he has come to that you - children= not actually what he wants is a lot more manageable than your slow realisation that him + children = not what you want. Ok you're in a good patch at the moment but you'll have had and good again, with children in the mix that were all his idea that is so much less likely to go well. Ultimately as you age together it is a much easier if your life goals are aligned.
I have a close family friend who stayed childless by choice but one partner did actually want children but decided that she didn't want to lose him so chose him, they are a strong couple but nearly split in later middle age as he had an affair, life is messy and if you are shouldering responsibilities you don't really want, I don't think that's wise.

Don’t do it - the heartbreak of splitting from your DH may hurt, but it will be temporary. If you have a child to keep him, it may destroy your relationship anyway given your feelings about this - and you’ll have the additional burden of having brought another life into the word who isn’t 100% wanted by both parents, which is another issue altogether.

I say this as someone who doesn’t want children, and would absolutely have to split from my partner if they decided they did, despite loving them very much. Having children when you don’t want them could ruin multiple lives, and I think your husband should not be trying to change your mind. He should be making this difficult decision, if anything, rather than putting the onus on you.

I read your first thread and my heart aches for you. You seem very clear you don't want to have children and that is absolutely your right. I did want both my children and it is still the hardest thing I have ever done - it took its toll on my body, my mental health and my job prospects. I don't regret any of it, but I can't imagine putting myself through it if I hadn't been completely sure.

He wants to experience the pregnancy with you?! Some women have horrendous experiences with pregnancy - sickness, pain. Does he want you to potentially go through that just so he feels part of it? Selfish beyond words.

And yes to whichever poster commented about adoption. My limited experience is that the process is gruelling and incredibly strict. If you're in anyway ambivalent about the prospect of being a parent, I suspect you won't get very far.

I've spent what seems like over a decade in various relationships (including a marriage) where the other partner was ambivalent about having children. It was really frustrating and tedious having to constantly re-visit this subject over and over, while years flew by.

I was in your husband shoes, and my ex husband and I divorced, as we both realised that the incompatibility regarding wanting/not wanting children was impossible to overcome (it wasn't the only reason for the divorce, but it was a major one).

I am now single and pregnant via IVF (sperm donor), and am very lucky that my treatment was successful. My only regret is not having walked away sooner and not having wasted so much of each other's time.

@Frogcorset

I agree regretting motherhood is taboo and I also agree with your comments regarding adoption in OP's specific circumstances.
Why do people assume adoption is somehow an 'easier' process than having biological children?

Don’t have an unwanted child. Your marriage might end at some point down the line for any reason and you will end up a single parent for a child you never wanted. No relationship is set in stone.

I was in this position with an ex of a few years in our late twenties. I was ready for kids and he wasn't, and he couldn't say when or if he wanted them. I was absolutely desperate to become a parent and so we split up and went our separate ways. I found someone new very quickly who wanted kids and had one three years later. He, to me knowledge, went on to live the kind of life he wanted, travelling and teaching abroad and enjoying himself.

I really feel so sad when I see people say stuff like 'nobody regrets having had their kids '. It's just not true. It's a social taboo to say it, but there are people out there who really regret becoming parents. They just can't say it openly due to it being such a taboo subject.

If you don't actively enthusiastically want a child then please, please don't have one. It's such a shame for an otherwise happy marriage to come to an end but it's necessary. It's one of the few relationship issues you just can't compromise on: marriage, and kids. You can't be half married, and you can't have half a child.

Your friends who say you probably won't regret it are naive. It's a heck of a gamble to take with someone else's life, isn't it? Sure, you might not regret it... but you might, and your chances of regretting it are high considering you already don't want a child. Imagine the horror of having one and then living in regret for their entire lives. For you for for them.

Do NOT have a child for this man. Just don't! There are no guarantees when it comes to kids, they can be disabled, you could wind up a single parent, he could then want more and you split up anyway.

Your not wanting children is 100% valid.

I got a divorce because my ex did not want children. I'm so glad we didn't have a child.

Whilst your dh will probably be a good df and the following won't apply do not have a dc unless its what you really want.
My dh's work colleague was talked into having a dc by her dh.
He left her before the baby was born and she was left with the dc she hadn't wanted in the first place.

"I haven't been through this myself OP, but I'd be wary of the above as I'm sure lots of people who are desperate for children, male or female, make these kinds of assertions prior to having a baby. Doesn't mean they will actually follow through or not expect you to do loads of the work too when it actually comes to it. And tbh I guess that's sort of fair enough if someone does agree to having a child - it isn't a job one person usually wants to do alone. Not to mention, as you've said, a load of it naturally falls to you anyway as the woman (pregnancy, birth, recovery) so it's not a level playing field to begin with."

I agree with this too. When I was with my ex and desperate for a baby (and frankly a bit of an idiot) I told him and myself all kinds of tall tales about how we'd manage it so that it was less of an impact on him than it was me. I'd do all of the night feeds, I'd do the bulk of the caring, I'd do this, this and this...

We split thankfully and I had a baby a few years later with someone else. And oh, how I laughed at my idiocy. A baby is ALL CONSUMING and often requires both hands on deck for a long, long time. You could have an easy dream of a baby. Or you could have a baby that barely sleeps, has feeding issues, has health issues, is high needs and screams nonstop for weeks. There is absolutely no way it's ever a good idea to go into having a baby with the idea that the person who wants the baby least can get away with doing less of the work. You can't promise that when you don't know how difficult it is to have one until they're here.

As others have said also, you could easily end up a single parent. That's the risk all of us take when we have children. And the risks to you as a mother are far more greater than the risks to a father. I will never again be able to use the toilet the same way for the rest of my life, I am permanently injured as a result of our birth. Women still die in childbirth. Can you really go through that for a baby you don't actually want?

The fact that he said “ he feels his life will lack meaning and purpose without a child. ” tells you everything you need to know. If you decide not to have a child and you stay together I feel he will end up either resenting you or eventually leaving you for someone who is willing to give him what he wants.