Not wanting children, husband does 2.0

[Daisy790]

Earlier this year I posted about my husband being really keen to have children whilst I had never really wanted any.

We talked a lot and in the end he said he chose me over children, I wasn't wholly convinced but I decided to take him at his word.

Well, the subject has reared its ugly head again and he has realised it is not as easy as just saying he chooses me. I understand this, and I don't want him to miss out or be unhappy in life.

The trouble is we are now at the point of breaking up unless I change my mind. He isn't pressuring me and understands my feelings, but he also doesn't want to wait around another 6 months+ for me to realise I definitely won't have a child.

There have certainly been points in our marriage where I would have more easily made the choice to split, but we've grown closer over the past few months and the thought of splitting up is very upsetting.

We haven't even been married 2 years yet, and it has been a pretty bumpy ride but it does feel like we are finally improving on how we communicate. It feels hard to imagine my future without him now.

I'm now trying to give honest thought to the idea of having a child. I have pretty much always been certain I don't want children, for many many reasons. The idea of pregnancy and birth scare me beyond what is normal I think. I also grew up from a young age acting as a carer to my mum. I stopped feeling like a child very early on, and missed out on the feeling of being cared for. I've never been sure I have it in me to be a 'parent' again.

I can see that some aspects might be enjoyable but it's still hard to feel like I want a child in my life. I like peace and quiet and my own time, and I don't like feeling trapped. I feel like children don't necessarily compliment this?

I don't want to lose him, but I can't figure out if us splitting up is the lesser of two evils.
I think I'm upset because I feel like I've fought through so much to get to this happier place with him, and now it will be for nothing if I don't have a child. I'm worried ill regret losing him, but also I really don't want to regret having a child. My friends tell me I probably wouldn't regret it, but that's easy to say from people who always wanted children!

I'd love any advice from people who have made a compromise or split up over this issue? Did you have regrets or was it a good decision?

I'm generally a rational, sensible person but my brain honestly feels scrambled about this now.

Tbh I can understand his aggravation.

He's broody. You don't understand that, but I do. And many women on here do. When you're broody, someone telling you "Maybe in 12 months time but I won't even be able to confirm that for months" would be heart rending. And yes, it feels like you're being messed around.

I understand you don't want kids. But then just let him go. This has become a fundamental need for him.

There have been a lot of women here who have walked away from guys who were basically like you. They went on to have kids with other people and never regretted letting the first relationship go. Because to broody people, kids >>>>> a single person. It's a biological need for them.

I don't understand why this wasn't sorted before you got married? Or did you tell him you would consider having kids?
My ex Dil strung my ds along telling him that they "would probably have kids one day" until in the end he had to admit that it was clear she had no intention of ever having kids. Their marriage ended.

If you are so unsure you should let him go. He deserves the chance of a family with someone else.

I don't understand why this wasn't sorted before you got married?

It was. He'd chosen to be with her over having a child. So he told her. Looks like he wasn't being truthful and hoped she'd change her mind.

I don't see the bit where she says he agreed to that before they were married? It's not clear when that conversation took place.

He isn't pressuring me and understands my feelings, but he also doesn't want to wait around another 6 months+ for me to realise I definitely won't have a child.

I picked this out from your OP to comment on a d then read all your posts, including your latest.

I was going to say he’s being massively unfair if he won’t wait six months for someone he loves to make a life-changing decision.

Counselling is the absolutely needed next step. I’d go alone for a few sessions and then maybe- if your counsellor thinks it useful - have a couple of sessions with him too.

Your latest post isn’t painting him in a kind light.

He basically just got aggrivated saying he doesn't wanna keep waiting and he doesn't see the point in me going to counselling as I won't change my mind (his words).*

But. You did go from a more hopeful place (a few sessions if counselling to make a decision) to a more negative stalling place (a definite no until you’ve got fit, “had some time to prepare” - all these sound reasonable to you but like excuses to him).

Listen - go to counselling and start getting fitter and as healthy as you can right now. Do it because you should get healthy and fit for yourself. There’s no need to wait there.

Don’t put a timescale on trying, either of you. If after counselling you can say yes, let’s have children then there’s no reason at all to delay. Equally there is no sense in him pressuring you at this point.

If you love each other, go to the counselling - separately and together - and then be brave and make whatever decision it suggests, and figure out the consequences of that. Don’t drag anything out.

You need to separate. He wants a child clearly very strongly maybe even multiple children.

You’ve told him you want counselling fair enough and to give you a couple of months to maybe change your mind. You’ve then told him even if you do change your mind it’s still another year away before even attempting to ttc.

He probably feels like your stringing him along. Women are told on here to not stick around for the man who keeps giving reasons to wait longer and longer to ttc because the truth is he just doesn’t want to have a baby. The same is with you op. Your just kicking the can anyway you can because you know you don’t want a baby but you want him.

Let him go let him leave let him have a baby or multiple and find someone for you who doesn’t want children.

You're just not compatible on this issue, and everything that it represents in terms of priorities and interests.

Having children is hard enough when both parents are all in and super excited.

You will feel like a brood mare who is only being used to produce offspring.

And what if the child has special needs or doesn't live up to your husband's idealistic view of parenthood? It could be disastrous.

It's time to end this chapter of your life and move on before you hate each other. Don't draw out the agony.

It was. He'd chosen to be with her over having a child. So he told her. Looks like he wasn't being truthful and hoped she'd change her mind.

That happened earlier this year so within the last 6 months - not before they got married!

Actually I think I'd call his bluff.

He said he could live with not having kids but 6months in he's decided he can't, yet he seems to want you to suddenly switch and get right on with baby making. He clearly hoped you'd come round op.

You have been open and honest with him and he is being a little unfair. I'd say that these are you terms and you need to explore this with counselling with no promise of changing your mind. You have far more to lose here as the burden of pregnancy is all on you.

He is free to leave if he doesn't like that.

His attitude would put me off wanting to TTC with him anyway.

I definitely can see most of this from his perspective too, as much as I am able anyway.

We actually did agree before getting married we wouldn't have children. He was more ambivalent and I made my stance clear. It's not something I ever kept hidden.
It's of course okay to change your mind, but upsetting.

I am very keen to get on with counselling as I'm very anxious not to be stringing him along.

I guess a year seemed reasonable from my perspective. I mean, even if we split up, surely it would take much longer to find someone else and then have a baby. I know that's not really the point but.
The idea he wanted to get cracking the second I wrap up counselling was scary and felt unreasonable. We would have things to decide and he, and possibly I would need blood tests as the cystic fibrosis gene is in his family. I am only 30, so I have plenty of time still, I guess a year to make sure we had all our ducks lined up seemed sensible. I guess I just don't understand what that urge to have children feels like.

At least I have a plan, and I will get started on getting fitter again now. It's not really weight loss I'm after I'm just not as active these last two years or so. Exercise is very therapeutic to me and it might help in itself.

@Daisy790 having been in this situation (but the other way round) I think you need to be honest with both yourself and your husband. Deep down, do you ever see yourself wanting a baby? You say you are frustrated with your husband but I actually completely see where he’s coming from. If it was the other way around the man would be seen to be “future faking”. From your posts it’s clear you do not want a child so be honest and let your husband go. He can have his family and be with someone who wants the same as him. And you can be with someone who doesn’t want a child. It’s not wrong to want different things. But it is wrong to not be honest. There are plenty of women out there for your husband who do want children and will build a life with him as he wants. And there are plenty of men out there who don’t want kids who you can have a relationship with. It’s not doing either of you any favours by stalling or going to counselling when deep down you know the outcome. Let him go.

I didn't want children and got pregnant as a surprise when I was 28 and married . I continued because I didn't want to terminate and me and my husband loved each other very much . I felt it was fate taking over . She is nearly 18 and I love her very much but being a parent is hard plus you have to deal with other people's children along the way which I find extremely difficult because kids are annoying . I much prefer animals and would surround myself with them if I had my time again( obvs not knowing my daughter )

I never wanted kids.
I'm 49 now and do not regret my decision for one moment.
My DH didn't want kids either. If he had changed his mind after we married, I would have walked away.

Things that stand out from your posts...
He has said he would happily be a stay at home dad
We actually did agree before getting married we wouldn't have children.
He basically just got aggrivated saying he doesn't wanna keep waiting
So HE has changed his mind and expects you to fall in line with him. Would you trust him to stick around if you had a child? For 18+ years? Will 1 be enough, or will he want a 2nd or 3rd? or are you just a vessel to produce a child for him?
It's a blunt question, I know. I don't mean to upset anyone, but the way he is trying to rush you is ringing massive alarm bells for me.
You have to make the right decision for YOU.

I think the rush from your DH probably comes from a fear that you might change your mind again before next summer, so, yes, he wants you pregnant before that could happen.

I can see it from both your perspectives. He is already mentally there (in fact he was there years ago) but is now faced with more hanging on... In some ways your word means nothing, you are perfectly entitled to change your mind, as he did. The only thing that will actually make him relax is you being pregnant.

On the other hand you are facing a huge life changing decision, one that you cannot go back on once you are pregnant, and understandably need time to process and prepare IF you take this route.

I think he has to accept that he cannot get upset if you want to take your time. After all you are compromising more, going more than halfway to meet him on this one. He has to be objective. If he absolutely can’t wait another 12 months then he can decide to leave the relationship. He cannot control your wishes this narrative.

Good luck

your wishes on this narrative.

I think you need to let him go. My DH and I both always loved other people's kids and wanted our own but it has been a hundred times harder than I could have imagined. One of our children has additional needs too which is creating care issues going into their adulthood.
I think it's a compromise too far when you could very easily be the one doing all the care if he decides fatherhood isn't all it's cracked up to be. Or what if he decides one isn't enough?
You are young and both have time to meet someone more compatible.

I think the problem is OP you could gear yourself up to having one and he enjoys it and next thing he’s pressuring you to have more . I don’t think it’s a good omen if you are at the stage where you think you need counselling in order to decide. What’s the rush anyway- why can’t you wait a couple of years and see if you change your mind? Does he feel he’s wasting time with you if you don’t want kids?

I told my ex there will be no kids the matter is not for discussion if he wants kids walk now (I wish he had) he once said after a bender he’d like a son, I replied “it’s not happening I fall for a brat I don’t want I’ll give birth then leave” sounds cruel but that’s how determined I was about no kids ever. The day I finally got sterilised I jumped for joy. He knows you don’t want them hugs.

I think you need to let him go. You know you don’t want kids no amount of counselling would change that. He wants kids soon and you saying maybe next year does sound like excuses. I know you love each other but not enough to change your mind on important things such as kids. You can both start again and look at getting the future you both want.

What do you think of all the replies OP?
This is like watching a car crash in slow motion. Being childfree is something to be proud of, don’t reproduce to keep a man, the fact you’re considering it is awful :(

I can really sympathise with the eating disorders/ body dysmorphia fears. If it helps I was worried I’d “lose” my body during pregnancy and post birth but actually I put on minimal weight and lost it all in the first few weeks after she was born.

I also felt attractive throughout (know this isn’t everyone’s experience but I was terrified before and would’ve liked to hear from people who actually felt like I did). I also think my body looks the same now as it did pre pregnancy. Not everyone gets stretch marks, saggy breasts etc etc.

One thing that is tough is people comment on your body like never before when you’re pregnant and after the baby’s born. You’re big / small for x weeks etc. it can be very intrusive.

There is so much about your situation which reminds me of mine, although I was probably slightly (but not much) more towards the ambivilent side, and he really was willing to give up children for me.

He said he'd not be one of those dad's that left everything to a woman, and we'd approach it as an equal team, and I agreed to having one child. But equally, he didn't pressure me, and chose me over having children.

I couldn't let him give they up for me, and I was heading from a firm 'no way' to ambivilent, and so we decided to go for it. Or more, I decided to go for it.

I have a phobia of childbirth, which made it pretty hard to contemplate, but I managed it. Within 10 minutes of my child's birth, I realised I'd be having another, and now I have two. And yes it's hard work at times and it's relentless, and loud, but my goodness I love it. My career has suffered, my body has suffered, my finances have suffered, but it's been worth it a thousand times over.

It turns out that I actually LOVE being a mum, even though I thought I'd hate it.

Saying that, deciding to have a baby primarily for someone else was a stupid thing to do, and I'm not suggesting that you do it. I'm just giving the other outcome.

It could have gone the other way, and I didn't take to it as much. I was confident though that even if I didn't like being a mum, that I'd love my child enough to muddle through. I'm not saying you should go for it or not. It's a huge gamble and only you know yourself enough to work this out.

And as to whether my husband kept his end of the deal...

He did half of all night feeds (bottle fed) 7 days a week, we equally share night wake ups of children. He does more than his fair share of mental load, admin, nursery runs etc. We are the team that he promised.

@Daisy790

Earlier this year I posted about my husband being really keen to have children whilst I had never really wanted any.

We talked a lot and in the end he said he chose me over children, I wasn't wholly convinced but I decided to take him at his word.

Well, the subject has reared its ugly head again and he has realised it is not as easy as just saying he chooses me. I understand this, and I don't want him to miss out or be unhappy in life.

The trouble is we are now at the point of breaking up unless I change my mind. He isn't pressuring me and understands my feelings, but he also doesn't want to wait around another 6 months+ for me to realise I definitely won't have a child.

There have certainly been points in our marriage where I would have more easily made the choice to split, but we've grown closer over the past few months and the thought of splitting up is very upsetting.

We haven't even been married 2 years yet, and it has been a pretty bumpy ride but it does feel like we are finally improving on how we communicate. It feels hard to imagine my future without him now.

I'm now trying to give honest thought to the idea of having a child. I have pretty much always been certain I don't want children, for many many reasons. The idea of pregnancy and birth scare me beyond what is normal I think. I also grew up from a young age acting as a carer to my mum. I stopped feeling like a child very early on, and missed out on the feeling of being cared for. I've never been sure I have it in me to be a 'parent' again.

I can see that some aspects might be enjoyable but it's still hard to feel like I want a child in my life. I like peace and quiet and my own time, and I don't like feeling trapped. I feel like children don't necessarily compliment this?

I don't want to lose him, but I can't figure out if us splitting up is the lesser of two evils.
I think I'm upset because I feel like I've fought through so much to get to this happier place with him, and now it will be for nothing if I don't have a child. I'm worried ill regret losing him, but also I really don't want to regret having a child. My friends tell me I probably wouldn't regret it, but that's easy to say from people who always wanted children!

I'd love any advice from people who have made a compromise or split up over this issue? Did you have regrets or was it a good decision?

I'm generally a rational, sensible person but my brain honestly feels scrambled about this now.

Don't have a child you don't want, being a child from that situation your kid will know. Also, I have 2 DC and I love them very much but I miss the freedom and alone time ALOT.

Honestly I will absolutely not have a child unless I realise it's something I want. I want to give him what he wants, but only if I can feel good about it. I'm oen to the idea that perhaps my childhood clouded my view of parenting, but it's no guarantee I'll change my mind.
At the moment things have gone very depressing at home. He is not talking to me much and saying how unfulfilled his life is.

It is something he's struggled with a long time, but it's more of a red flag now. He says his life lacks meaning in its current state (work, hobbies etc) but when he's been in a job that really made a difference and volunteering on the side, he still felt the same way. He keeps saying having a child will give his life that purpose. He did say he knows it isn't enough and that he needs to find it in himself too but the trouble is he never does. Mostly I think because his perspective is not sound. He is a good man and has a very nice life in so many ways, but he holds onto the negatives.

I don't have my first session until the end of the week but I'm now wondering how it will even work. Surely we can't spend the next month or two distant and the relationship in a state of depression. If I felt differently after counselling, does he just flip back to being happier? I'm not sure I'd even feel a want to have a child with a man who had been distant and sometimes cold.

I totally get why he's approaching it this way. To protect himself, but if we were to split up its still going to hurt. Surely it's better to give our relationship the best chance. As it's been said, no one is at fault, and regardless of the outcome I would still love and respect him.

If your dp says a dc will give his life purpose then does he think you are not enough for him?

My dh and I both wanted dc but I can't imagine he would have left if we couldn't have had them.
I feel confident that I'm what my dh wants, having dc is an extra.
And now our dc are adults and we have to be enough for each other. The dc have their own lives.

You have a lot to think about.