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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dh and how he speaks when angry

82 replies

Poppetgems · 07/06/2021 22:55

Dh has a temper, there’s no two ways about it, and I am slightly wary even though he’s never been violent or anything and sometimes I think I’m overreacting.
He’s just spoken to his 84 year old mother on the phone and she has annoyed him by saying something to another member of the family that she’s got muddled and possibly puts Dh in a not great light. Nothing major, just something about why he didn’t go to a family event.
He shouted at her and hung up and when he got off the phone he shouted some more and described her as ‘thick as fucking pig shit, stupid fucking bitch.’
I don’t like it. I cannot imagine ever speaking about anyone like this, let alone my elderly mother.
It’s not normal is it? Or ok? I mean everyone I suppose loses their temper sometimes but I don’t like it. It makes me feel unnerved at the unpleasantness of it.

OP posts:
Curatingchaos · 07/06/2021 22:57

Awful and ime, you haven’t had your turn yet but... it’ll probably come.

Kulio · 07/06/2021 22:57

That's grim. I couldn't be with someone like that. Disgraceful.

Original poster
Poppetgems · 07/06/2021 22:58

Yeah it’s why I’m scared to leave him. I can only imagine.

OP posts:
ilikemethewayiam · 07/06/2021 22:58

What do you mean he has a temper? Apart from the incident you describe how else does it manifest?

HollowTalk · 07/06/2021 22:59

Do you have children together?

AnneLovesGilbert · 07/06/2021 22:59

That’s not okay OP. It’s bad. Really ugly and bad.

My xh was a rager, never to his mum but plenty to me over time and I’m afraid it always gets worse.

Please leave him.

scaredsadandstuck · 07/06/2021 23:00

Not normal and not ok. It's hardly like saying "oh god mum got mixed up about xyz which is a bit annoying" and rolling your eyes. That's the proportional response isn't it. Shouting and swearing is really aggressive and scary for those around you.

Original poster
Poppetgems · 07/06/2021 23:00

I have two dc.
I would be worried about them being with him when I’m not there.
His temper tends to flair if he feels he looks bad. I’ve seen it towards them when they have embarrassed him in some small way, not to this extent, but I’ve still seen it. He just loses it.

OP posts:
GCAcademic · 07/06/2021 23:01

Wow. That’s horrible. Imagine speaking about your elderly mother like that. Poor woman.

Curatingchaos · 07/06/2021 23:02

He sounds HIDEOUS.

Original poster
Poppetgems · 07/06/2021 23:04

My own dad went through hell with his mother - she became extremely difficult as she got older and I know he would never ever ever have spoken about her in anything like that way.
I just don’t get. It’s totally weird to me.

OP posts:
Smallredclip · 07/06/2021 23:07

Is this where you reveal he’s a controlling financially abusive narcissist? And a lazy twat with the stuff he thinks is women’s work? (I have the t shirt for this.)

Original poster
Poppetgems · 07/06/2021 23:15

He’s just scary.
I’m not sure he’s any of the other things.

OP posts:
Curatingchaos · 07/06/2021 23:25

Are you both similar ages? Would you both come out with equal finances in the case of a separation ? Who does the majority of domestic tasks? Does his temper mean you modify normal decisions (like you said you don’t like leaving the kids with him- that’s a biggie. So restrictive for your career /social life)?

Original poster
Poppetgems · 08/06/2021 03:08

He massively out earns me.
Mostly we get on ok, the relationship functions. I just feel this kind of nastiness is never far beneath the surface though.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 08/06/2021 04:06

A man who abuses his mother abuses his wife.

Get a solicitor and get out of that nightmare.

tornadosequins · 08/06/2021 05:29

I would be worried about them being with him when I’m not there.

Right. And in what way is them living full time in a home that never feels safe and where they never know when he might erupt or attack you or them a better choice?

I’ve seen it towards them when they have embarrassed him in some small way, not to this extent, but I’ve still seen it. He just loses it.

They shouldn't be forced to live like this. It is much more scary and stressful to a child than you as an adult - children are very aware when an adult kicks off how much smaller they are and how easily they could be severely harmed. It is terrorising and causes long term damage.

I know you won't want to hear it because it will make you uncomfortable and challenge how you see yourself, but you're letting them down right now when you should be stepping up to protect them by leaving him.

Your choice to stay is for your own benefit not theirs.

category12 · 08/06/2021 05:41

If you're scared of your husband, it's really time to think about leaving.

While you're living in this environment, your kids are experiencing the same damaging emotional landscape that you are. You're not protecting them, they feel it the same as you do and it's the background to every day.

Home should be a safe place.

How old are they?

How do you think the teen years are going to go with such a man?

youvegottenminuteslynn · 08/06/2021 06:28

@tornadosequins

I would be worried about them being with him when I’m not there.

Right. And in what way is them living full time in a home that never feels safe and where they never know when he might erupt or attack you or them a better choice?

I’ve seen it towards them when they have embarrassed him in some small way, not to this extent, but I’ve still seen it. He just loses it.

They shouldn't be forced to live like this. It is much more scary and stressful to a child than you as an adult - children are very aware when an adult kicks off how much smaller they are and how easily they could be severely harmed. It is terrorising and causes long term damage.

I know you won't want to hear it because it will make you uncomfortable and challenge how you see yourself, but you're letting them down right now when you should be stepping up to protect them by leaving him.

Your choice to stay is for your own benefit not theirs.

Just wanted to echo this.

They can live in dysfunction 100% of the time or a maximum of 50% of them time.

This is what you're teaching them a relationship looks like. The longer you stay, the more likely it is they'll end up in a relationship with this dynamic. Would you be happy for them to do so?

Original poster
Poppetgems · 08/06/2021 06:57

Dd - aged 2 - was once beside herself when we were out because she was hungry. She’s never been great when hungry, I knew it was only this and once she ate she’d be fine.
We were on holiday and I went to queue (long unfortunately) and DH took dd outside to get a table. When I finally reached them he was shouting at her and she was crying and then he stood up and said ‘all these other families can take their children out for lunch, but not ours, ours are spoilt. I’m not sitting here listening to this, come on we’re going.’ And then he got up and walked off, leaving me with both crying dc, the pushchair and the meal.
We picked things up as best we could and I dragged the pushchair up the steps with ds carrying what he could and dd still wailing. We got about 20metres and DH relented and said we could stop and having something to eat.
However dd and ds were by this time both upset and everyone was staring - way more when it was just dd crying because she was hungry.
On another occasion we were out with his family and she was 3, it was about 10pm and she was whiny because she was tired and didn’t want to sit and have ‘drinks.’ He lost it then too. ‘My children can’t do anything for me, is it too much to ask that I have a drink with my family?’ I said - you stay and I will take the dc back but he was too angry. Shoved dd in her pushchair and stalked off still ranting.
It’s when he looks bad, or we aren’t behaving as we should. It worries me most for dd, still only 5. She’s ‘daddy’s princess’ but I wonder how quickly she would stop being daddy’s princess if she did something he didn’t like.

OP posts:
Curatingchaos · 08/06/2021 07:02

Being an extra massive cunt on holiday. Textbook. There should be warnings on these men about holidays. They love it because they get to scream and shout and intimidate their families knowing that they’re unlikely to run into anyone they know, and that you’ll find it very difficult to access support away from home. This is in fact why a fair few women are killed on holidays.

everythingbackbutyou · 08/06/2021 07:06

"It's when he looks bad, or we aren't behaving as we should." Utterly this - my ex was like this in public with the kids too. It was hell. He was utterly incapable (still is) of understanding that children have needs/feelings and are not robots designed to be showcased and feed his ego. I had a very similar eating out situation as the one you describe, which culminated in my 11 year old daughter writing her dad a note apologizing for wasting his money (she had picked at whatever meal she had ordered at the restaurant) which she left for him with a little pile of coins. Broke my fucking heart. Just over a year later I was gone.

everythingbackbutyou · 08/06/2021 07:07

@Curatingchaos - totally. Mine could absolutely be counted on to be an extra massive cunt on holiday! Nothing like walking on eggshells to relax the mind and body.

Original poster
Poppetgems · 08/06/2021 07:10

Dh does a lot of making the dc - especially dd - say ‘I love you’ back to him. He will just keep saying it until she says it. I love you. Oi! I love you. OI! I LOVE YOU.
Ds said he’s either being snapped at or daddy’s precious prince.

OP posts:
Kulio · 08/06/2021 07:10

He sounds awful. Do you say anything to him after his dramatics have blown over?

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