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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dh and how he speaks when angry

82 replies

Poppetgems · 07/06/2021 22:55

Dh has a temper, there’s no two ways about it, and I am slightly wary even though he’s never been violent or anything and sometimes I think I’m overreacting.
He’s just spoken to his 84 year old mother on the phone and she has annoyed him by saying something to another member of the family that she’s got muddled and possibly puts Dh in a not great light. Nothing major, just something about why he didn’t go to a family event.
He shouted at her and hung up and when he got off the phone he shouted some more and described her as ‘thick as fucking pig shit, stupid fucking bitch.’
I don’t like it. I cannot imagine ever speaking about anyone like this, let alone my elderly mother.
It’s not normal is it? Or ok? I mean everyone I suppose loses their temper sometimes but I don’t like it. It makes me feel unnerved at the unpleasantness of it.

OP posts:
everythingbackbutyou · 08/06/2021 07:13

@Poppetgems it was very clear to me that my son was the designated scapegoat by the time he was 2 years old. Let me guess, your 'd'h accuses you of being too soft with the children?

Original poster
Poppetgems · 08/06/2021 07:17

He just doesn’t get involved with much with the children are all.
He is better mostly with dd than ds but not great with either if he thinks they are showing him up.

I feel like something has changed in me since hearing him speak like his mother in that way. It’s not the first time but for some reason it’s really made me see things differently.
I do understand everyone loses their temper and no one is perfect - but I still found the hatred and the language reprehensible.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 08/06/2021 07:17

His behaviour on holiday was chilling frankly and typical of what abusive men can do to their family. This man wants absolute power and control here over you all.

Your daughter is no daddy’s princess even though he will profess otherwise. Your son as well is also being profoundly affected here by seeing this abuse. If you all between you do not make this man look good in his eyes he turns and rapidly. Any deviation from what he expects you all to do is clamped down on rapidly. In his eyes you are all possessions to be treated as he sees fit. What you are all seeing from him is the nice/nasty cycle of abuse and that is a continuous one.

I can only reiterate what the other respondents have posted and you are indeed in an abusive relationship with this man.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. What do you think both your children are learning about relationships here?. This mans father was violent when your H was growing up and your H has gone onto do those self same behaviours, that’s what he learnt about relationships. If you were to stay it is far more likely that your kids will become the abused or an abuser in their relationship as adults.

Anger management courses as well are NO answer to domestic violence and can do even more damage.

How can you be helped into leaving your abuser and what has prevented you from doing this?

You have a choice here re this man, your children do not.

Curatingchaos · 08/06/2021 07:19

Wasting ‘their’ money is a big one. I was so used to ex moaning about money spent on eating out and one day I just realised I hated eating out looking at his miserable face so I decided not to participate in his ridiculously expensive food habit any more.
So it happens we were on holiday , travelling across three countries by car. Before we left I packed a massive hamper (enough for several days) and every time we’d stop I’d offer something but he’d ‘fancy’ a steak meal from the services, or a massive burger with all the trimmings. Anyway just before we reached our destination he gave us an accusatory, humiliating rant about how we had to stop wasting money on food, we’d spent $$$$$$ on food on this journey, what a waste, how ungrateful the children were for being tired of travelling when he’d spend hundreds on food. He hadn’t even noticed he’d ordered alone, buying food for only him.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 08/06/2021 07:21

Such men also hate women, ALL of them so that would also include your daughter here. He certainly hates you.

AlwaysLatte · 08/06/2021 07:25

If I heard my husband say that about anyone, much less his own mother, I'd go off him pretty quickly. Just a few of those incidents and I'd be off. Not nice.

DoingItMyself · 08/06/2021 07:29

If this is true, please get your children (and yourself) out of there. I can't read it all, my heart is breaking. You might want to adopt his mum when you're free, if she doesn't have any other children to support her, because her son is an absolute danger. That poor woman. Poor you. And most of all, your poor children. You've gone along with it without realising exactly what was going on but you're aware now. Tell him nothing. Plan and leave. Then tell him, when you're safe.

Smallredclip · 08/06/2021 07:34

@Curatingchaos my ex would do this. I hadn’t realised until you said. Same on hols, we would self cater but he would still order in loads of stuff, and then complain about how much the holiday had cost HIM. The dickhead.

He also was much more of a twat on holiday too - really extra controlling of me, as though this was HIS holiday and I was there as paid and hired help, not entitled to a break of my own.

ByeByeMissAmericanPie · 08/06/2021 07:41

If only I’d picked upon how appallingly my future MIL was treated by my husband to be... and what I know now... I’d have run a mile.

Instead, I suffered 25 years of marriage and am only just out.

Don’t ever go on a flotilla holiday. The opportunities to mess things up are huge, which starts off with him losing his rag on day one and becoming apoplectic by the end. (Apparently everyone’s LOOKING) Meanwhile, you’re stuck on a boat all day alone with them. I was always hugely relieved to get into port at the end of each day.

Blueskytoday06 · 08/06/2021 07:43

My ex used to refer to women like this. We'd pop to the shop and he'd park as far away as possible so 'some fat arsed bitch' wouldn't bang the car. Many other examples also but too many to list and thankfully have buried them hopefully never to resurface.

I was always a 'stupid bitch'. Nothing I ever did pleased him. I was a nervous wreck around him. Unable to make any decisions. My self esteem battered.

He eventually fucked off (yipppeee) with someone else but scars (emotional) are still there.

Anyway....the point is, you need to think about whether you want to be around someone like this.

Shoxfordian · 08/06/2021 08:16

He isn’t much of a role model for your children and they’ve already been on the receiving end of his moods and anger.

You know what to do op

Original poster
Poppetgems · 08/06/2021 08:20

He’s never called me names but he does refer to other women as ‘stupid birch’ or ‘fat cow.’ He calls his ex girlfriends miserable bitches. I suppose should I upset him I will be referred to as such as well.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 08/06/2021 08:27

Those comments from him re women and ex's is yet another red flag re him. You see what I mean when I state he hates women and all of them, he really does.

Amdone123 · 08/06/2021 08:38

Hi, op, hope you're ok. You started off your thread by being upset about the disgusting way he spoke about his mother, but as your thread has progressed, it appears to go much deeper than that. Much deeper.
If you can't get out for yourself, get out for your children. Yes, it will be scary and he probably will be a pig ( because he is one), but by staying you are damaging your children. There is help if you look. Don't put up any barriers to leaving, see it as a new start. He doesn't deserve you or your beautiful children.
( Incidentally, had my husband of 35 years EVER spoken about another woman, related or not, in such a disgraceful manner, he'd have been gone. Thankfully, he respects woman. We should teach this in schools).

DrSbaitso · 08/06/2021 08:46

Yeah, I was raised by someone like this. It only escalated and needless to say, I'm damaged. The whole family is.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 08/06/2021 08:47

@Poppetgems

He’s never called me names but he does refer to other women as ‘stupid birch’ or ‘fat cow.’ He calls his ex girlfriends miserable bitches. I suppose should I upset him I will be referred to as such as well.
I hate to tell you this but he will be calling you names to other people. To his work colleagues you are probably known as "fat bitch" or "useless bitch" of a wife.

Please get out now before he can fuck your children up even more. How old is your DS? Sounds like he has his dad figured out.

DrSbaitso · 08/06/2021 08:48

@Poppetgems

He’s never called me names but he does refer to other women as ‘stupid birch’ or ‘fat cow.’ He calls his ex girlfriends miserable bitches. I suppose should I upset him I will be referred to as such as well.
Oh, you will. You probably already are, outside your hearing. He says these things about his former partners and his own mother, why would he do any better for you?

Never knew an angry man who wasn't also a raging misogynist.

Nonmaquillee · 08/06/2021 08:52

What you’ve written is heartbreaking. The way he refers to his mother and the way he treats your children.
He’s abusive. Please leave him. You can’t allow your children to grow up with him as their primary male role model.

Celandines · 08/06/2021 08:57

Oh god he's hideous sorry. Of course a 3 year old is going to be knackered at 10 pm. Confused

thesunwillout · 08/06/2021 08:59

Hi op, I really hope this thread will help you work out what's best for you and your children.

It must be awful for them to not feel truly cared about by their father.

As someone whose kid was treated with distain (we were divorced) I'd urge you to get away, because the damage on my kids mental health the older she got became very serious.

It's ingrained, despite yrs of counseling.
It affected her whole being.

Having a strong mum to be there and support her has been so important.

DrSbaitso · 08/06/2021 09:00

@Poppetgems

Dh does a lot of making the dc - especially dd - say ‘I love you’ back to him. He will just keep saying it until she says it. I love you. Oi! I love you. OI! I LOVE YOU. Ds said he’s either being snapped at or daddy’s precious prince.
Yes, this too. I once got a finger in my face and severely reprimanded because when he got home, I'd be playing or reading or watching TV and didn't drop everything to rush to the door. "When I walk into this house, you come running. Understand?"

And all the rest of it about small children being obliged to do anything at all for him, and so on. I was Daddy's princess as a little girl too, when I wasn't being smacked and screamed at.

I'm sure you can guess what happened once I reached a certain age. Let's just say, puberty wasn't the only thing to hit me.

cucumberella · 08/06/2021 09:03

It seems the general consensus here is for OP to leave. But surely that puts her in a situation where her children are solely in the company of this horrible man half of their lives until 18? And people often say that men like that will barely see their children, but there are no guarantees. Yes the 50% of the time they are with OP it will be a healthy, loving environment, but the other half of the time surely will be awful for them?

Not saying OP shouldn't leave by the way, I've just never quite understood this

DrSbaitso · 08/06/2021 09:05

If he's abusive, can the court rule that he gets only supervised contact? I guess kids are too young to be allowed to choose if they want to see him?

youvegottenminuteslynn · 08/06/2021 09:07

They can live in dysfunction 100% of the time if you stay or a maximum of 50% (most likely much less as he sounds like a shit dad who doesn't want to do any of the day to day stuff) of the time if you split.

By staying, you're teaching them that this what a normal relationship and a normal family looks like. The longer you stay, the more likely it is they'll end up in a relationship with this dynamic.

Would you be happy for them to do so?

prettyvisitor · 08/06/2021 09:08

Was he like this before you got married? Surely it can't be easy to mask that sort of nastiness...I don't understand why you had children with such a horrible man. I'm sure if you left him you'd feel like a massive weight had been lifted off your shoulders - do you walk on eggshells all the time to save upsetting him?