Dh and how he speaks when angry

[Poppetgems]

Dh has a temper, there’s no two ways about it, and I am slightly wary even though he’s never been violent or anything and sometimes I think I’m overreacting.
He’s just spoken to his 84 year old mother on the phone and she has annoyed him by saying something to another member of the family that she’s got muddled and possibly puts Dh in a not great light. Nothing major, just something about why he didn’t go to a family event.
He shouted at her and hung up and when he got off the phone he shouted some more and described her as ‘thick as fucking pig shit, stupid fucking bitch.’
I don’t like it. I cannot imagine ever speaking about anyone like this, let alone my elderly mother.
It’s not normal is it? Or ok? I mean everyone I suppose loses their temper sometimes but I don’t like it. It makes me feel unnerved at the unpleasantness of it.

Can you imagine what will happen if you develop dementia or cancer or something that makes you even more vulnerable than now? Start making plans to leave, even if you don't act for years.

I think you’re right to be wary of men that adress women as bitches, particularly if the woman is his own, elderly mother who made a small mistake. He sounds vile tbh

@Poppetgems

Dd - aged 2 - was once beside herself when we were out because she was hungry. She’s never been great when hungry, I knew it was only this and once she ate she’d be fine. We were on holiday and I went to queue (long unfortunately) and DH took dd outside to get a table. When I finally reached them he was shouting at her and she was crying and then he stood up and said ‘all these other families can take their children out for lunch, but not ours, ours are spoilt. I’m not sitting here listening to this, come on we’re going.’ And then he got up and walked off, leaving me with both crying dc, the pushchair and the meal. We picked things up as best we could and I dragged the pushchair up the steps with ds carrying what he could and dd still wailing. We got about 20metres and DH relented and said we could stop and having something to eat. However dd and ds were by this time both upset and everyone was staring - way more when it was just dd crying because she was hungry. On another occasion we were out with his family and she was 3, it was about 10pm and she was whiny because she was tired and didn’t want to sit and have ‘drinks.’ He lost it then too. ‘My children can’t do anything for me, is it too much to ask that I have a drink with my family?’ I said - you stay and I will take the dc back but he was too angry. Shoved dd in her pushchair and stalked off still ranting. It’s when he looks bad, or we aren’t behaving as we should. It worries me most for dd, still only 5. She’s ‘daddy’s princess’ but I wonder how quickly she would stop being daddy’s princess if she did something he didn’t like.

If my DH did that I would eviscerate him in public. He’s abusing all of you, your frightened of him and your children will be too. If he doesn’t get help for his anger levels, I’d be off. I’d get legal advice in your shoes and start building up cash if you can, speak to Women’s Aid they’ll be able to advise you further. I’m sorry you and your children deserve to feel safe, happy and loved.

He’s abusing you and the dc. You sound like you’re all walking on eggshells constantly. He’s a horrible person.

@Poppetgems

Miserable 50% of the time seems quite a high price to pay for them though. At the moment they are with me more than 50% of the time, he barely sees them at weekends. If we split he’d probably see more of them and I’m not sure that’s a good thing. I don’t want to be with someone who can hiss the words ‘she’s as thick as fucking pig shit, fucking stupid bitch’ about his own mother though - is that unreasonable? He has behaved similarly before, unfortunately the whole family know the cost of everything and the value of nothing. His mother is very much about you do this and I’ll do that. There’s not a lot of unconditional love going on. My concern in leaving him is that it disturbs the image he currently has of ‘family man’ despite not spending any time with his family or bothering with them very much. It’s all about how it looks and he doesn’t do brilliantly when things stop looking good. An example is our house. It looks pretty nice from the outside, the inside needs loads and loads and loads doing to it.

Just catching up on this thread. OP, in your third paragraph you again ask if the way he refers to his mother is unreasonable - countless people on this thread have made really really clear that it’s not only unreasonable, it’s downright abusive. In using the word “unreasonable”, you’re already trying to minimise his actions to yourself. In a further paragraph, you seem concerned that your leaving him will “disturb his image of family life”. Why on earth are you worried about the impact on HIM?? A man who’s openly abusive in public and who TERRIFIES his children?? I’m afraid that you can’t really see what is really going on here, or you are not willing to. I recommend signing up to the Freedom Programme - it’s free - and surrounding yourself with women who will assure you that his behaviour is abusive. Please please get yourself and your children away from him. He’s going to wreak untold psychological damage on them.

I agree with pps that you seem more concerned with the way he spoke to his mother, than the way he treated your children on holiday.
I'd have dumped his sorry ass there n then. What a prick.

I think seeing how your partner treats their elderly mother can be quite confronting because it gives you an insight into how you will be treated by them when you get older. My DH is nothing like the OP's but I still didn't like the pretty clinical way he dealt with his mother having dementia and made arrangements to have her put into a (not very nice) home. It certainly gave me pause for thought and made me reassess our relationship.