Difficult SIL with newborn

[Conkergame]

I’m struggling with my relationship with my SIL (DH’s brother’s wife) and hoping for some advice.

She’s always been a very difficult character (glass half empty, always very negative, very insecure, can’t be happy for anyone, thinks the world is out to get her, rude and verbally aggressive to anyone and everyone). We have as little to do with her as we can, so only see her at wider family events.

She had a baby girl a couple of months ago and has struggled a bit with things (just the normal lack of sleep, getting used to being a mum etc, as well as general Covid worries).

We’ve been as supportive as we can (sending gifts, nice messages, a bit of money when they said they were struggling, etc.) but haven’t seen them as we haven’t been invited and we haven’t wanted to impose by just showing up.

Last night she sent my DH and I a really nasty message accusing us of not being supportive. She didn’t really specify anything we had or hadn’t done but did include a random accusation about us forcing her to come to our house (we have no idea what she’s on about as we haven’t asked her to do that at all!).

We were quite upset by it and DH rang his brother to find out what was going on. His brother is a man of few words but said something like “yeah mate well you haven’t really helped us out since our daughter was born, so you could’ve shown more support”. DH was speechless as we’ve definitely shown a normal level of support and we’re not close to them anyway so it would’ve been inappropriate for us to go round and start muscling in with things with their DD. Knowing what SIL is like, whatever we would have done would have been wrong, so if we had gone round she would have sent a nasty message saying we were intruding on their space etc.

We’re really ground down by how she is and wondering where to go from here. She doesn’t normally lash out randomly like this - it’s normally lots of digs when we see her, so we just keep seeing her down to a minimum and do the whole “grey rock” thing as much as we can / spend most of the time at family events with other relatives. But now she’s lashed out I’m wondering how to respond.

Personally I want to respond sympathising with her difficulties but then defending DH and I, setting out the things we’ve done for them and then asking why she felt the need to lash out like that.

DH’s sister thinks we should cut her some slack as she’s recently given birth (8 weeks ago) so should respond very nicely, apologising, even though we honestly haven’t done anything so there’s nothing to apologise for! I also know many others who have given birth and none have acted like this at all.

DH thinks we shouldn’t respond at all as it will just “feed the beast”.

I’m thinking whatever we do will set the tone for the next few years while she’s a “new mother” so I want to get this right. My worry if we send a nice message without defending ourselves is that she’ll then think she’s entitled to send more of these aggressive, nasty texts and we’ll have set the tone of putting up with them.

Do new mums get to act as they wish, no matter who they hurt? Any advice would be very appreciated!

Can’t your dh message his brother. Mate, thanks for talking the other day and we are really sorry you feel that way. We think we’ve been supportive - messages, gifts, money, we have asked to meet baby and would love to but you said no visitors, so can you help us out here as we are drawing a blank? What is it you expected to see from us?

I wouldn’t message her. No good can come of that. But at least you’d have it on record as trying today you sent the above. Then you just give up.

I wonder if your BIL told your SIL that your DH had asked when you both could visit to meet the baby, His reply being they weren’t having visitors due to COVIID..

My BIL did this and didn’t tell my DSIS. Years later she asked me why I didn’t visit in the early days of her baby’s birth.

I agree with @Sssloou thereis nothing to be gained responding or getting further involved.

She has shown you who she is, just step away further and do not engage.

Do not for a moment consider not attending family events.

Remain polite, vague, disinterested and distant.

Trying to be involved with such people will just bring inevitable drama.

Just completely avoid.

Leave ANY contact between the brothers.

[quote Conkergame]@Tambora this sound very similar what does the oil/water comment mean?[/quote]
Pouring oil on troubled waters is a really old saying. Basically it means calming something down by doing something soothing.

Sometimes going non contact just creates more problems.
I'd let the brothers take back more of the relationship, you don't get involved in taking the relationship with her over. Keep making your DH do most of the communicating.
I would message back but don't refer to the content of her 'accusations'. Let those all go. It sounds like she has emotional problems anyway.
Just reply back simply 'It wasn't our/my intention to cause you upset or be unsupportive. Perhaps we were unthoughtful about more ways to help you out'.
Anything else will pour fuel on the fire. With someone like this when the fire is lit, the fire is raging and they can't see anything else. There's no point applying reason or logic to it.
With people like this its tricky because they never tell you what they need. You are supposed to be a mind reader and 'notice' when they are struggling. They don't see that they have a role in this, in that they don't ask clearly for help because feeling vulnerable makes them ashamed.

Agree with your DH, just ignore

Text back “hi, sorry that the gifts and money aren’t enough for you. Do you know why your wife is angry with us?”

Do not send anything else to the ungrateful, self-centred bastards. Go very low contact. Don’t invite them anywhere.

Thanks all, your responses have been very helpful and given lots of food for thought. I’ve decided not to send a response and let the brothers deal with things between themselves. DH has sent a short message very similar to the one everyone favoured on here, so we’ll see if that gets us anywhere.

Unfortunately I know it’s only a matter of time before she blows up again, so I may well be back on here again soon. We’re going to try extreme grey rock for a while and see if that helps. What a shame, a new baby should be a time for celebration but instead it’s turned her even worse than before

She is never going to change.

She is a bitter, blaming, joy sucker. Poor BiL.

I feel v v sorry for them both that having a brand new 8 week old baby - they aren’t deeply blissed up to bursting and high as a kite. What’s a waste.

@buckeejit

I'd be civil but firm.

Sorry you feel this way, we didn't want to assume anything or intrude & thought we were being supportive with gifts & Money. Not sure exactly what you'd like us to do but certainly ask if you're struggling & there's something you think we can help with & we will do our best within our means. I'm sure it's a very stressful time with a Newborn but it will get easier. Thinking of you

This is probably the best response to try and keep everyone happy.

A wise move on your part conkergame.

Its not your fault your SIL is the ways she is and you did not make her that way either. She is acting like this too because she can and is enabled further by her husband. People like your SIL like nothing more than a fight and or the last word and any further communication apart from giving them a further opportunity to put the boot in keeps a door open that should otherwise remain closed.