Am I ok to feel amazingly pissed off at dh about this situation

[pinkexercisebike]

Sorry it's long,

Last year we were renting and had a house to sell that we used to live in before we started renting in a new area for dh job.
We had originally let it out but then the tenants moved out and there was work to do on the house so dh said let's sell it.

I said I don't want to sell it unless we buy a home with the sale proceeds because it's our only asset and place on the property market, it's also a form of income if we let it again. He said ok sure once we sell we will buy.

We sold last year November and I immediately started looking for a new house, we had £200k equity from the sale. I asked dh to come to see the properties and he kept refusing saying that house prices were meant to be dropping. I told him I don't care because with the stamp duty and rent payments we'd probably lose out anyway if we don't buy.

Fast forward to now and dh has refused to do anything about it, we are still in a rental and the SD Relief has gone and the properties are now so far from what we were looking at and are now well over £200k more in price for the same types of properties on the same roads. Without borrowing the extra £200k we won't be able to get what we were looking for. I've told him I feel sick about it all, on top of this we would have to pay c.£30k in stamp duty plus whatever we pay in rent, I'm so down about it all. It's literally upsetting me every day. I was always good with money and now I feel like my dh has lost everything we had and worse I don't even think we can afford the stamp duty as it would leave us with no savings.

Dh disagrees and said it's fine if I get a ft job well be able to borrow the money and get back to square one. I am very very angry. I do most of the child stuff and when he does he asks me constantly what to do, should he do it this way or that, does half a job every time.

I am so angry I can't even breath some days about it. I know I'll probably be told to calm down but Im starting to hate him over it. I feel like he's literally lost our chance of owning the family home we had planned and now he has the audacity to tell me to go and work to sort it out. I do work but pt and tbh I find that enough with everything else that goes on.
I don't even know how to make this better. I'm not sure I can. I actually liked our old house as well.

Gosh, I wish I had some helpful advice about the finances, but just to say that I don't blame you at all for being upset. I would be really, really pissed off.

However, using savings to cover stamp duty is pretty normal, isn't it? When we bought our house, we had no savings left by the time we'd paid the deposit and expenses.

Thanks @GCAcademic we always have savings for anything that goes wrong since we met. It was one of the reasons I said to dh we must buy before the SD relief goes because we'll have no savings. It makes me feel quite uncomfortable to have no savings but you're right that not everyone has savings after buying a house, but that's what is making me quite angry is that we would have done if he had bought the house when we sold the other one.

I don't even know how to deal with it. And his reaction that I will work ft to solve it feels like he does not care and maybe never did.

I think you're incredibly fortunate to have that much equity. And I also think that two people needing to work to afford a mortgage is pretty typical unless your dh is on a high salary. The reality is that house prices right now are very high. We had a purchase fall through last summer due to COVID (vendors pulled out and decided not to sell). The same sort of house in the same area is now easily 100K more than it was this time last year. I don't think these prices will stay this artificially high forever though. It's just COVID and people having money to spend and wanting a lifestyle change. I think it's sensible to wait it out. Hopefully if you sold in November, it means you cashed in on the higher prices. But I have to say that I'm kind of with your dh, if you want to buy more house than you can currently afford, then you do probably both need to be working and then he also needs to share the load at home more equitably too.

@mindutopia my point is that I wouldn't have had to go ft if we had bought when he originally agreed he would. And tbh I would not have sold in November when prices were actually lower than now.
This is what I'm angry about. We had planned to buy with me being pt because with young dc and no other help I find working ft difficult (I had worked ft until oldest started primary school then went pt)
If he had just kept to what he agreed on we wouldn't be in this situation.

Being ft wouldn't even help that much by the time I'm finished paying childcare to allow me to work ft.

Were you hoping to buy outright with no mortgage for 200k?

It does sound like your dh faffed about a bit
I would also be annoyed but then I would have made sure we bought last year and gone to viewings alone if needed. If he’s really not a team player then maybe you need to evaluate the relationship

This is an awful situation, but it's done now so you should think about what the next step is.
You working full time won't qualify you for the higher mortgage borrowing until you'd been there at least 6 month (12 in some cases), so it's not an immediate solution.
He's probably quite comfortable and doesn't want the hassle of moving again, so if you think now is the time to try and buy again, I'd go to viewings yourself, speak to banks to see how much you both qualify for, and do the leg work, then present him with a couple of options and don't take no for an answer. Or decide how long you'll wait for the market to fall, and do all of that then. Maybe invest the 200k in the mean time to keep it growing (but you'd have to commit to not touching it for at least a year).
It's shit, but not the end of the world

I did go to the viewings alone but I needed dh to agree to surveys etc well I thought I did. And yes I absolutely wish I'd just dragged him to the table but I didn't enough.

We were always going to have a mortgage but the extra £200k we would have paid off on the mortgage would have allowed us to be comfortable and me continue pt. or even if we had kept the house and rental income it would have been ok. That cannot happen now.

It's less about he's not a team player but more that I feel like he's lied to me.

@ThedaBara I spoke to the bank and they said as long as I get a letter confirming a permanent position it would be ok to use new job for a mortgage? Hopefully that's true!

Normally you need three months payslips at that wage to be taken in to consideration for a mortgage. So you’d need to be full time for 3 months before they’d give you one at that wage.

I’d be annoyed too, but I guess you’ve either got to move past it and sort it out/buy a smaller house or in a different area, or stay angry about it.

Well technically the stamp duty relief will continue at a tapered level until September so you would still get some benefit buying before then even if less than buying before end June.

It's time to let this go. It's in the past and there's no point living in the now just full of resentment. It will eat you alive and destroy your relationship. Forgive your DH,for your sanity more than anything.

Wait a few months a see what happens to the housing market. House prices won't stay high for much longer.

Thanks all. Yes I need to forgive him. I'm also angry that the situation seems to be getting worse not better as the stamp duty has disappeared. The max we'd save from SD if we successfully ought now is about £3k but also there's the issue of finding something because there is hardly any stock in our price bracket now.

Plus I'm really not enjoying renting. At all. We can't move areas due to schools. If I could recover our situation without our lives ending up worse I'd be ok. I will be ok anyway obviously but watching the money go out on rent isn't fun when we could have had a house. It's also miserable not being able to decorate anything or for example all of our windows are blown and no point is repairing them etc. but I can't even see out of them ! Just unhappy about it all I suppose. Can't even move from the rental because even rents have gone up a lot.

You're incredibly lucky to have that much equity in your house to be honest! I think both you and your dh have valid points. He's probably hoping the house prices come down (very likely) which will negate the stamp duty anyway.

Think positively, you're in a much stronger position than many people having a good chunk of equity to work with. You're effectively first time buyers so you have a strong bargaining position as well.

Think of it this way, you could have put an offer in on a property and it all fell through. You would be in the same position, no further forward. These things happen all the time.

At least your DH didn't blow your £200k on gambling - I've seen that on here more than once!

I would move forward by focussing on looking for properties in your price bracket, getting your finances in shape and looking to the future.

There's always something to be unhappy about though. Sometimes a little perspective is all you need.

You need to make sure that money is safe, that he can’t use it to buy crap and you end up with less. I’d put it in a book type account rather than an online account.

I understand your frustration, the money you spend on rent could be paying off a mortgage or going towards home improvements.
I’d be hacked off too.

You're right to be angry, you made an agreement about a huge decision and he changed his mind without discussion. He's put you in a really poor position as well, has he even apologised?

You're incredibly lucky to have that much equity in your house to be honest! I think both you and your dh have valid points.

Just because she has equity, doesn’t make her situation better. Her DH did not have valid points as it has put her in a situation where she will have to go back to work f/t as a working mum and they agreed as a family not to do that.

I was in a similar situation where we agreed he would take a small amount from the equity in his place to buy a car. He blew the lot on a high powered car that ended up costing us a fortune to run. I put all my equity into our new home but still had to return f/t when DD was born. I really resented that.

We recovered eventually and are in a better situation now but I’ve never really forgiven him for such a twattish move,

Firstly, ensure he cant get hold of this money as my friends husband blew the lot on gambling. I dont suggest your husband will do this but just make sure its very very safe. Secondly , you can go and look and buy on your own. You are in a very good position to buy. House prices are artificially inflated right now and I believe once furlough is finished and companies cant survive without this help then many will fold and many will sadly be out of work resulting in properties being in need of selling. This will increase the stock in the market and gradually reduce the price. I would be fuming if my partner was doing what yours in doing now and you have every right to be angry. I think there are other issues going on with the relationship too, he seems to just be drifting through life, making out he doesn't know what to do with the children, shrugging his shoulders when you approach the house issue, as if you are not that important to be listened to. I am sorry OP you are feeling this way, I get it. I would take some control back and go solo with these important decisions.

Thanks this is what I'm meaning that the 'lucky' equity situation is kind of irrelevant. At the end of the day he's chosen what we do with our money by not involving himself going back on what we already agreed to do. I've only been working. pt for two years. We had the house for ten. I also put more than 50% in on the original deposit not that that bothers me but now the whole situation has annoyed me.
Plus we have lost rental income now, we may as well have held out until later on to sell but with rental income.

It's the fact he completely misled me as to his intentions about what to do. I feel like I've ended up selling my only asset to be left with a bit of cash that won't pay to replace what I had.

Now to solve the situation he's asked me to go back ft. For me this is double up of taking the piss because we sat down for months before agreeing I went pt. and we moved for his job in the first place.

That's one more worry is now I can't trust him I'm worried that money will also disappear. I asked him to separate it and he hasn't. I've had to order a bank card to trf it because it's too much for my current limit without one apparently,

I will also double check going ft will even help us as I did phone the bank and they did say they would accept the job immediately providing my company gave a letter proving permanent employment. We're now living substandard to where we used to and the only way to reach the same standard is to borrow a lot of money. It's this that has made me mad.

Does your dh actually resent you working part time rather than agreeing it's the right thing for your family?

It seems like he's forcing your hand to full time and I wondered if it could be deliberate.

It would be worth exploring, because if he resents you for being part time and you resent him for the loss of opportunity, you probably need to get some help in your marriage before things get worse.

Thank you @litterbird your post resonates with me entirely and I am quite distressed at the lack of respect he has shown me.

@category12 Well he's never said he's resentful but yes I should check this. I can't quite understand it though because everything seems a lot nicer now I am pt but I suppose it's nicer for me because his world hasn't changed im the one still cleaning sorting school stuff etc. That's why I'm pt. I feel frazzled as it is without going back ft. I work 25 hours pw atm but it's in a very flexible job I am reluctant to give up easily. Things like holidays I can wfh easily and catch up on the evenings.

Hello OP. It sounds pretty crappy that you've ended up in this situation. I would say that the housing market is unpredictable and it's a case of "you win some, you lose some". Lots of people seem to be waiting for a drop in house prices so I don't think your DH is wrong. Like you wanted to, my DH and I chose to move forward because of our personal circumstances. That said, this could come back to bite us if prices do drop. My point is: it's an unknown. I do think you and your DH have had quite a big breakdown in communication and should work on that, I'd be furious too in this situation. Perhaps counselling?

I'd feel exactly like you do about this situation. That said, it isn't doing you any good.
I know you don't like renting but personally I'd be worried that jumping in now is the worst of all worlds.
As long as the rent can be covered by your salaries and isn't eating into the equity you have put aside, I think I'd wait. Set a deadline of say another six months max.
It does feel like the property market is mental just now but whether it is sustainable is anyone's guess. I don't predict a big crash but I think the going way over asking and budding wars will calm down significantly.
It's of course a risk to wait but is it a bigger risk than kicking yourself for jumping in from a position of serious panic?
You need a proper chat and to agree a new plan