Am I ok to feel amazingly pissed off at dh about this situation

[pinkexercisebike]

Sorry it's long,

Last year we were renting and had a house to sell that we used to live in before we started renting in a new area for dh job.
We had originally let it out but then the tenants moved out and there was work to do on the house so dh said let's sell it.

I said I don't want to sell it unless we buy a home with the sale proceeds because it's our only asset and place on the property market, it's also a form of income if we let it again. He said ok sure once we sell we will buy.

We sold last year November and I immediately started looking for a new house, we had £200k equity from the sale. I asked dh to come to see the properties and he kept refusing saying that house prices were meant to be dropping. I told him I don't care because with the stamp duty and rent payments we'd probably lose out anyway if we don't buy.

Fast forward to now and dh has refused to do anything about it, we are still in a rental and the SD Relief has gone and the properties are now so far from what we were looking at and are now well over £200k more in price for the same types of properties on the same roads. Without borrowing the extra £200k we won't be able to get what we were looking for. I've told him I feel sick about it all, on top of this we would have to pay c.£30k in stamp duty plus whatever we pay in rent, I'm so down about it all. It's literally upsetting me every day. I was always good with money and now I feel like my dh has lost everything we had and worse I don't even think we can afford the stamp duty as it would leave us with no savings.

Dh disagrees and said it's fine if I get a ft job well be able to borrow the money and get back to square one. I am very very angry. I do most of the child stuff and when he does he asks me constantly what to do, should he do it this way or that, does half a job every time.

I am so angry I can't even breath some days about it. I know I'll probably be told to calm down but Im starting to hate him over it. I feel like he's literally lost our chance of owning the family home we had planned and now he has the audacity to tell me to go and work to sort it out. I do work but pt and tbh I find that enough with everything else that goes on.
I don't even know how to make this better. I'm not sure I can. I actually liked our old house as well.

I will also double check going ft will even help us as I did phone the bank and they did say they would accept the job immediately providing my company gave a letter proving permanent employment.

Some banks will. Ours was happy to accept DH’s new job, as long as he was out of his probation period. My personal account is with a different bank and they were happy with his first wage slip and his contract.

I’d look into whether he actually doesn’t want you be part time, though. It’s possible that he has some resentment or jealousy over it, and that’s playing a part...

It’s also possible that he’s just not as bothered, though.

I’m sorry, this would frustrate me too.

now I can't trust him I'm worried that money will also disappear

The same thought occurred to me. Whose names are on the money, and are you absolutely positive it's all still there?

There are clearly HUGE issues of poor communication and lack of trust in your marriage. And where's the love and the idea of being a team?

I think you have more to worry about than missing out on the chance to buy a property at the 'right' time (if there even is such a thing...).

You may want to go FT irrespective of whether this is needed to get a mortgage. To keep your options open.

Use the anger to power you to sort this out. Feeling helpless will be making you feel worse, so once you start reasserting control you will start to feel better.

Where is the money? If only your husband currently has control of it - why?

Cash won't keep up in value with property so the longer you sit paralysed by frustration and upset at what's happened the worse things will become.

If you act now you'll be worse off than you could have been but better off than if you continue to do nothing. Start acting.

I would have a hard time forgiving someone I had trusted for deceiving and manipulating me into a financially damaging situation. Especially on top of failing to pull his weight, treating you like his skivvy and telling you "well go full time then" without any reciprocity in terms of his lack of participation in your home lives.

It shows a complete absence of respect and it concerns me that he has control of the funds and you don't.

There is always someone who's better off and worse off than you. It's irrelevant and doesn't help you in your situation that other people are in different situations! What matters to your life is your situation and how to manage it.

Just a thought Op. Could you put the money into premium bonds? It's accessible when needed, but not instantly. I.e. He can't just transfer a chunk to pay for something from a savings account into a current account/onto a credit card. So your capital will not just dribble away. And there is a chance you could win in the monthly draw!

With regards to you going full time. Schedule out EVERYTHING that you normally do with house, kids, school runs, shopping, etc. And show him what he will have to do in plain and simple black and white as you will simply not have time/energy to continue. Don't forget to schedule in equal downtime.

25 hrs per week is approx 67% of full time. It's still a fair chunk of hours & you have to work out whether it is actually worth increasing your hours when you take into account the extra tax & NI deductions plus the joint cost of extra childcare.

Present everything written down, clear and concise - costs, hours, chores, how things are now and how it would be if you went full time. It will be an easier comparison than his vague "well you have to go FT & deal with it."

You cannot change what has already gone, but you can steer the future.

Best of luck @pinkexercisebike.

I'd be livid as well OP.

I assume the £200k has been sitting in the bank earning fuck all interest.
You've lost your rental income and you've lost any increase on the value of the house.

Are you SURE the money is all still there?

Does he work what does he do? Is he tight? How are your finances organised?

Any reason to think he doesn't want to commit? How old are your child/ ren?

Could he have hidden debt that would be exposed if you apply for a mortgage?

What has he actually said about all this, when you say you're pissed off? Has he given any decent reason for scuppering the plans?

Are you married? Is the 200k in a joint account or what?

Sorry for all the questions but he's either extremely complacent and lazy, or there's something else going on.

Some of the money is in premiums bonds and some money is in a joint acc which I don't use it or look at it often. I've gone on it today. The money is not all there. Only £3k is missing but it's missing all the same, it was explicitly agreed that money would not be touched.

I'm not going to argue about it. I'm going to transfer it all into my own account when I can, today my pin for the acc didn't work so I'll have to try to sort it tomorrow, I wouldn't take any money from him but it appears the feeling is not mutual.

Ridiculously angry now

I figured as much he's diverted the money-you now have 3,000 reasons to divorce him

Weird though. Why is he so desperate not to buy?
House prices are highly likely to not come down for some time. It’s in every paper you read.
The positive is you are chain free.

@pinkexercisebike

Some of the money is in premiums bonds and some money is in a joint acc which I don't use it or look at it often. I've gone on it today. The money is not all there. Only £3k is missing but it's missing all the same, it was explicitly agreed that money would not be touched.

I'm not going to argue about it. I'm going to transfer it all into my own account when I can, today my pin for the acc didn't work so I'll have to try to sort it tomorrow, I wouldn't take any money from him but it appears the feeling is not mutual.

Ridiculously angry now

You need to take immediate action now to protect this money. Once its moved you need to find out where it has gone....was it a cash transfer into another account or was it to buy something ridiculous? All these questions need to be asked. Protect your assets at all cost. Sorry OP this is all turning in to absolute shite for you.

Ok so there you go.

He may have hidden debt as well.

Fyi it's going to be way too much to transfer out in one go I think.

I don't know if questions will be asked re joint to single. I mean I really don't know.

Look up your bank website see if you can find out. Maybe you can do it if you go into branch. They may well ask why and what is for and stuff. Money laundering type stuff.

Don't let on.

Fucking hell though I'm so sorry.

It's to a credit card. I'm so mad. And now I've checked I have to wait 3-5 days to get my new pin. So I have to wait and be fuming angry in the meantime.
Looks like I'll be going back to work ft anyway

I can transfer £50k a time if I use my pin and card reader but I've forgotten my pin. Once I have that I can hurry up. I know it's not all my money but it's much safer in my hands than his.
I will phone the bank tomorrow and check anyway too.

Call the bank NOW.

say you're going for a walk, walk the dog, get something from shop. Call bank customer services. See if you can do it over phone or in branch.

Is the account to move to with same bank? If not you could just say better interest rate.

Bloody hell.

He may well notice over the days it takes you to do that and grab some.

Call them now. Find out how to transfer the whole lot.

It's too obvious if I go out as I rarely go out anywhere and I am putting one of the dc to bed atm anyway. I'll have to do first thing in the morning.
Would the bank let him know if I ring them to move all the money? It's a joint acc

And yes @NiceGerbil you're right I should find out how to move it all. He is clearly looking at this acc more than me

You realise that shifting that money secretly is basically blowing a hole in your relationship that you probably won't fix? It may be that you already think you're done, but think carefully before you do something you can't take back.

Oh I'm going all out later. Definitely going to do some phone stalking when I can too. I have never questioned anything. And he knows it.

@category12

You realise that shifting that money secretly is basically blowing a hole in your relationship that you probably won't fix? It may be that you already think you're done, but think carefully before you do something you can't take back.

And everything he's done?

I don't understand your comment.

Don't start snooping he will notice.

Just call the bank tomorrow.

YANBU I’d hit the roof!

You might be better freezing the account the shifting the money.

You might be better freezing the account than shifting the money.

@category12 I am going to move it then say I noticed a rather large hole in it and was concerned. I am seriously concerned. But more for myself as there was an absolute agreement that money was to be stored and not used hence why I never go on it.