Am I ok to feel amazingly pissed off at dh about this situation

[pinkexercisebike]

Sorry it's long,

Last year we were renting and had a house to sell that we used to live in before we started renting in a new area for dh job.
We had originally let it out but then the tenants moved out and there was work to do on the house so dh said let's sell it.

I said I don't want to sell it unless we buy a home with the sale proceeds because it's our only asset and place on the property market, it's also a form of income if we let it again. He said ok sure once we sell we will buy.

We sold last year November and I immediately started looking for a new house, we had £200k equity from the sale. I asked dh to come to see the properties and he kept refusing saying that house prices were meant to be dropping. I told him I don't care because with the stamp duty and rent payments we'd probably lose out anyway if we don't buy.

Fast forward to now and dh has refused to do anything about it, we are still in a rental and the SD Relief has gone and the properties are now so far from what we were looking at and are now well over £200k more in price for the same types of properties on the same roads. Without borrowing the extra £200k we won't be able to get what we were looking for. I've told him I feel sick about it all, on top of this we would have to pay c.£30k in stamp duty plus whatever we pay in rent, I'm so down about it all. It's literally upsetting me every day. I was always good with money and now I feel like my dh has lost everything we had and worse I don't even think we can afford the stamp duty as it would leave us with no savings.

Dh disagrees and said it's fine if I get a ft job well be able to borrow the money and get back to square one. I am very very angry. I do most of the child stuff and when he does he asks me constantly what to do, should he do it this way or that, does half a job every time.

I am so angry I can't even breath some days about it. I know I'll probably be told to calm down but Im starting to hate him over it. I feel like he's literally lost our chance of owning the family home we had planned and now he has the audacity to tell me to go and work to sort it out. I do work but pt and tbh I find that enough with everything else that goes on.
I don't even know how to make this better. I'm not sure I can. I actually liked our old house as well.

Well and that he's screwed the whole house thing probably because he's got debt secretly and you'd have found out when the mortgage was declined.

He's behaved appallingly.

Thanks @category12 what does freezing it do? Sorry I don't know much about accounts

And everything he's done?
I don't understand your comment.

I'm just saying that she needs to think about what she does before taking the nuclear option.

Freezing the account keeps the money safe and can only be undone jointly. Taking the whole lot is basically saying we're getting a divorce now.

I was going to say that he’s made a massive error in refusing to either keep the property or buy a new one.
But now I see that he’s taken some of the proceeds of sale.
All is not right here. Not right at all.

OP I would be so angry in your circumstances. He has sabotaged your plan regarding working; sabotaged your place on the property ladder and now is secretly dipping into the funds. I'd be very concerned that he's reckless with money or is very manipulative. You've ended up renting when you don't want to; going back ft when you don't want to, etc.
If something is important to you then you need to take control and grab it. In the case of the properties, it would have been organising the survey, etc, without waiting for him. Or, putting your foot down at the point when you were discussing selling and instead putting your energies into getting a new tenant.
There are issues in your relationship but you also need to have a long, hard think about what a relationship and a marriage look like to you. You've inadvertently fallen into giving him final veto and it's cost you financially and in trust.

People need to chill the fuck out a bit. This is someone’s life. 3k is all that’s gone, I know that’s not an insignificant amount. But that’s since November. If he had horrific debts or was trying to clear you out. More than 3k would have gone in 7 months.

Just have w normal conversation with him. Moving it all in a rage is not going to help anything.
Just go and talk to him now!

Don't say anything to him until you have the money!

IIRC freezing a bank account basically inactivated it. Money kept in it but no movement in or out.

I wouldn’t freeze though, I’d transfer as unfreezing could be an arse as you’d both have to sign a declaration.

The money in joint accounts is considered 100% owned by both so I’d just transfer it.

@Taliskerskye

People need to chill the fuck out a bit. This is someone’s life. 3k is all that’s gone, I know that’s not an insignificant amount. But that’s since November. If he had horrific debts or was trying to clear you out. More than 3k would have gone in 7 months.

Just have w normal conversation with him. Moving it all in a rage is not going to help anything.
Just go and talk to him now!

He unilaterally decided to renege on their agreement about buying; unilaterally decided to spend £3k of the money ... but OP talks about making one unilateral decision and you want her to stop and discuss it. OP has the right to safeguard the family asset. If her DH over-reacts to that sensible move then he is the one over-reacting.

If it’s a joint account you have every right to remove every penny of it.

He has lied, he's irresponsible, he's broken her trust. He's behaved dishonestly. In a way that has had a massive impact on their finances and housing situation.

It would be a no going back thing for me.

If he'd fessed up earlier and talked it through made a plan etc then ok maybe could be sorted.

But looks like he's deliberately sabotaged their chances of buying a home in order to cover up whatever he's been up to.

He's been lying and he's already taken some of the money.

It would be riot act time for me.

She may have the right to do it, but it's basically saying fuck you husband, we're at war.

Now OP may be ready to do that, on the other hand, she may want to sort things out. Be a bit unfortunate to do something in a rage that she later regrets.

And him

Scuppering the plans to buy a home
House prices have gone up so they have lost money
Lost rental income
He's been dishonest
Debt she doesn't know about
Has dipped into the don't touch bank account
She's been living in rental accommodation she's not happy with
He's told her to go back to work FT if she wants to buy a house
...

If anyone has 'declared war' it's him fgs. And that's not the phrase I'd use.

Do you know what he bought with the credit card op?

I'd be checking if he has taken much more out of the joint account in the past and he stalled on the house because he has been gradually paying it back in.

I'd be livid too.

The thing is, not making a decision, or stalling, is not just passivity, it IS a decision on his part. And it's one that goes against your wishes and your future as a family.

Good luck in finding out what is going on op and then reacting accordingly.

There are huge issues of trust involved here. I hope he hasn't broken yours.

@Taliskerskye I will talk to him once I've trf the money as I don't trust him at this moment in time. It's only£3k but it's a recent transaction and he's not mentioned it and I'm worried he might be seeing if I am checking.
Tbh I'm totally fed up with it all. I should be able to say don't spend the house deposit when we don't own a house and previously did.

Where does it says he’s got debts?

I’m not trying to side with him, but if he put off buying because he thought house prices were going to drop, that’s not an invalid reason.

3k - ok ask and deal with the consequences, I wouldn’t divorce someone over taking 3k out of a joint account. I would be v pissed though

The lost rental income, he wanted to sell because he didn’t want to do work on the house, none of us know the cost of that -OP?
Anyway. I’m not saying he’s not up to something. But in RL. People don’t go nuclear. They tend to sit down and discuss things. In mumsnet land it’s all LTB!

Take the money out and you are declaring war. What he did was not in mpo declaring war.

Do you think he'll change his mind if you go full time? Or is he just using that as another stalling tactic!

My first thought when I read your post was that you have access to the money. I agree that you need to transfer half the money to your account. As difficult as the conversation will be afterwards, he's proven that he's going for his own agenda so you need to protect yourself

I cannot see what you're seeing talisk.

Agree to disagree.

Oh and op. When you do challenge him he will lie. And lie and lie. I can almost guarantee it. Enough years of living and knowing lots of people makes me feel quite confident in that.

The money is not all there. Only £3k is missing but it's missing all the same

Yes, I was afraid that might have happened, and that he's "not mentioned it" is no surprise given everything you've said

Maybe the fact you're currently renting will turn out to be no bad thing. but you're very wise to stop him withdrawing any more if you can

I'm really sorry OP, this sounds terribly difficult. I've only read your posts, and not the responses.

It seems as though the problem is that you feel strongly about financial security and working withing your energy levels and caring for your family (all great things) and he has disregarded you on all counts, and now apparenty there is money missing. That's really terribly difficult and a big trust issue.

Good luck.

I hate to say this but, is there any chance he’s getting you to go full time so he won’t have to pay you so much if he were to divorce you ?

Did you start on the property ladder together or did one of you bring in more than the other?
Who had more financial contribution in the property before you sold it?

Sorry that I did not explain clearly. I am asking about property contribution because it will help us see how he is thinking at the moment.

Hey op. I work for a bank fraud department and customer services. There are a few things you could do

You can call your bank (any/every bank) and once passing security you can request a block be placed on your account. Explain you think it is a genuine payment by additional account holder but you want to double check. This will hold all card transactions on the account and decline any transfers but specify you want all of this. You can have this block removed in branch with photo ID

You can wait until the PIN is here in 3-5 working days, but anything can happen to the money during that time. I wouldn't recommend this option

Third - you can go into your branch at any time (tomorrow??) with photo ID (passport/driving license) and move the money to another account. Essentially just transferring it out. They won't call him to confirm. It is ok to move it to an account in your sole name even though it's from a joint account, just make sure you have your ID with you

Also, he doesn't know when you're checking up and signing in. He'll know once the money is moved obviously but internet banking doesn't 'notify' him like an additional security measure etc.

Hope this helps! I'm so sorry, this is super stressful

Op, how is your relationship with your husband generally? He seems to want to keep flexibility.

It's the lack of discussion that would be concerning...does he have his own future plans?