So how do you all feel about your mums?

[Youarestillintherunning]

I really can't relate with how people speak about their mums. I always hear things like "my mum is my best friend, I would be lost without her" and so on. This sounds really horrible, but at best I can just about tolerate mine for short periods of time. Am I a bad person? Do most people really get on with their mums?

For context, my mum voluntarily put me in care when I was 9, she then changed her mind and wanted me back but she wasn't allowed for "neglect." She made a lot of things up, said that stuff had happened to me that hadn't. She wasn't physically or emotionally available for most of my teenage years. Instead, I was kind of the parent. She would often try to kill herself, and call me to tell me she was going to do it. I'm still angry at her for all of this, I seem to have never moved past that point of being a teenager who is annoyed by everything their mum does.

Over the past few years she seems to have got her life together. She is angry at me that I still treat her like the same person she was, because she has apologised and taken responsibility for what happened. She said that these are my issues now and she wont take the blame for how I feel anymore.

I'm curious about other people's relationships with their mums, am I just a terrible child? I know that everyone makes mistakes but I can't move past hers.

Mine didn't prioritise DSis and I. She is a horsey person and her livery yard is her life. Showing and breeding took all her time, money and love. The horses got fed every day, £100's a week spent on them. Had new rugs and accessories bought regularly. DSis and I didn't have the same experience. If mum had eaten already, dinner wasn't a guarantee. Many a time we'd have a dinner of what Dsis or I could scrape together. half a dozen boiled eggs, or a dish of microwaved frozen peas and sweetcorn. We didn't have new clothes and shoes. We got by on what our mates gave us. We were not poor though.

I do owe my mum a lot, or should I say my children do. Thanks to her, my children will never go hungry. Thanks to mum, I would never have my children crying for a day off school because it's non school uniform day a and they look ridiculous in scruffy, ill fitting clothes and are embarrassed. My children will never go to school in shoes held together by sellotape because their mum can't be arsed buying new or even providing glue and fixing them.
My children will know I love them. My children will get constant cuddles, praise and love. No hobbies will come before them. My mum taught me how not to be like her.

My mum did/does love us but she's an extremely self centred woman. For example, if I was upset she would be annoyed at how my sadness is making her feel and would have a go at me. 🤷🏻‍♀️

I adore my mum. But she protected me and my siblings as a children, fed, clothed and loved us and would go without so that we could have opportunities. She is the epitome of selfless and if I'm half the parent she is to my kids then I know I'll be doing a good job.

But if my mum had treated me like yours I would feel the same. She messed with your emotions and didn't protect you so your feelings are understandable.

Those people who call their mums their best friends are more likely to have had experiences like mine. My dad is another story altogether!

@OhRene I'm so sorry for your experiences growing up. I can completely relate to being made to feel bad for being upset/angry... but you're right in that the good thing to come from shitty parenting is that it shows you what not to do!!

I left home age 15 and have been NC with my mother ever since. She often threatened to have me put into care and my home life was so bad I always wished she would do just that. When I ran away from home the school became involved. They said they knew how bad home was but couldn't intervene as I had never asked for help! I was an alcoholic at 14 and promiscuous from 13. When I took an overdose no-one knew, but I was told off for being ill. I hate my mother and always have. I once read a book about one of the foster kids abused by Eunice Spry and my mother did worse to her own child 😪 One thing that struck me about Spry was that she cuddled her kids. My mother has never cuddled me, or even said anything nice to me. I'm amazed I survived tbh.

@OhRene do you still feel angry/upset now as an adult or have you moved past it?

@musication your relationship with your mum sounds lovely ❤ I really hope that I have this kind of relationship with my little one

I remember once I was so hungry I ate the stale bread she'd put out for the birds 😪😪 This is bringing it all back, probably not a good thread for me I'm afraid 🥺

I love my mum and after DH she is my closest friend but our personalities are very similar. We would be friends if we weren't related. She was always emotionally available, kind and supportive and still is. My nan on the other hand is a controlling narcissist and although my mum has a relationship with her she struggles with anger about nans behaviour now and in the past. I feel angry on mums behalf that she grew up with that and its impact on her. I still dont really know much about her childhood, shes only really shared little bits. It's perfectly reasonable to be angry with your mum and to protect yourself however you need to. Behaving differently now doesnt absolve her of the responsibility of the trauma she caused.

Mine did a pretty poor job, but had been herself raised in an impoverished, dysfunctional environment, so had literally no idea children needed more than basic food and shelter. I’ve never expressed my anger, because she wouldn’t understand. I do love her and feel protective of her, because I have been protecting her since childhood. She’s not good with the world.

I don’t have a close relationship to my mum at all. I don’t think I was a priority but I also don’t resent her. There are many things but she was only human and left at a young age by her husband to raise her baby alone. I have realised I am a lot like her in many ways and I can stop the cycle by not having children myself. I feel I would be a selfish parent and I can barely look after myself. It was too late for my mum.

I have a rather iffy relationship with my mother. Her parenting style was pretty much indifference, unless we were around other people. Then she acted like the greatest mother ever. To hear her talk to others one would think we had the greatest childhood ever. I remember her smacking me in the mouth when I was 15 because I deigned to call her from a disco because our arranged lift hadn't turned up! To this day I don't know why she did it. Wish I'd walked the 5 miles home instead!

As an adult, I try and keep in touch, mainly for my DFs sake. Mother is very invested in my 2 DSs lives. They live miles from her but she's always visiting. I'm just down the road and she's visited 3 times. I've been here 11 years.

I'm beginning to think maybe I'm doing something wrong! I've not been the best daughter, I've gotten myself into some scrapes over the years, but I've sorted them and am now happy and contented.

@RedBonnet that's so sad to read, I'm sorry for your experiences ❤

Mine is a narcissist and went ballistic on me when I stopped giving her supply - collaborated with abusive ex to wheedle her way into my DC's lives via Family Court, threatened to take me to court to get access to my DC ("grandparent's rights"), tried to get me fired, etc etc. I went NC over a year ago and don't miss her at all.

My mother was a good mum but definitely wasn’t perfect - who was!?!

It’s taken me years to finally admit that I don’t like her and she may not be too fond of me, but we are family and we love each other.

That’s enough

I don’t have one. She is a self absorbed toxic narcissist who physically and emotionally abused me throughout my childhood and into adulthood. She gave up any pretence of interest once my grandparents had died and she had “her” inheritance (and took ours as well). I couldn’t have her anywhere near my DC-they deserve more.

I think YANBU to feel the way you do, OP.
She sounds selfish and the way you feel about her is the consequence of her actions during your childhood.
If she truly was sorry, she would keep trying to work on your relationship and not minimize your feelings about the past.
If you can forgive her, you should to that for yourself, not for her. You don’t owe her forgiveness if you don’t want to give it.

Op - I don't think it's remotely surprising you don't feel close to your mum. It sounds like she wasn't a good enough parent to you for whatever reason. I'm sorry you didn't have the experience of being properly cared for when you were young. In fact, I'm sorry for everyone on this thread who had similar experiences.

OP, I don’t think anybody who had your mother as a parent would be “best friends” with her.

I’m close to mine, but I have had to learn to “handle” her over the past twenty years. She definitely isn’t “my best friend”. She will trample boundaries if I let her - out of love, because she wants to take over and mother me, but she has interfered in my marriage before, and done other stuff that has been harmful because she didn’t agree with my life choices.

Our relationship has improved since I had DS, because now she fusses round him instead of me.

I had a very difficult relationship with my mum in my childhood and particularly in my adolescence. I was an unwelcome “accident” which my mum found extremely difficult to come to terms with. That caused serious attachment issues for me, and I believe was the basis for our poor relationship.
As an adult, I think I was early 30s when I began to process it all and start to forgive her. Her circumstances at the time of my birth were difficult to say the least. I made a lot of effort with her, was always kind to her, and she was always good with my kids, genuinely loved them. But we were never as close as I would have liked, and I feel sad about that. We lost her 2 years ago, I do miss her.

My mum is my best friend and I love her so much. She's a wonderful mum and a fantastic gp, so kind, loving and selfless. Her and my lovely dad when he was alive were the best parents anyone could have wished for. They provided us with everything we needed physically and emotionally. Mum listened to all my woes, offered advice but ultimately supported my choices. I can still talk about anything with my mum. Throughout my entire life I have known that mum will always have my back. I was very lucky to have a had a very happy, idyllic childhood. We are still very close and really enjoy spending time together and speak /see each other most days.
So sorry for your experiences growing up, I can't imagine how awful that must have been but you sound like a great mum yourself.

I struggle with with this in my own friendship circles, they all have lovely relationships with their mums and mine can be at best polite tolerance and avoiding any big issues. We have zero in common - she is a dreadful Martyr and a spendthrift and I just don't understand her or want too to be honest.

We didn't have the best childhood but neither did she and my Nan is awful.

Everyone's replies are so kind, thank you all so much. Im so sorry to read people's horrible experiences here, and I hope that you all manage to find unconditional love and security in your adult lives ❤ I have considered going NC with my mum, but knowing her this would lead to more suicide attempts and her telling anyone who will listen what a horrible daughter I am. And despite everything, I always feel like I owe her. I'm just so scared of my feelings about her making me a bad mum if I can't work through my issues 😔 I've tried so hard to just forgive and forget, but it's got to the extent that all she has to do is an annoying laugh or something stupid and inside I am boiling!

You're not terrible or horrible. Your feelings and the relationship reflect the fact that you were (severely) neglected and abused as a child.

That is categorically not your fault or a reflection on you.

The people you're comparing yourself too weren't abused and neglected by their mums. That's why they have different feelings and relationships, not because they're "better" people than you.

I'm really sorry for what you've been put through and that it's still affecting your life and how you feel about yourself in this way.

She never wanted me from the day she found out she was pregnant, always preferred my sister and I was abused alot growing up until my grandparents stepped in and basically raised me whilst me dad worked away (to get away from her... I get on amazing with my dad now, he's like my best friend)

So...in answer to your question..I haven't spoken to her in 3 years, she has a very strained relationship with my sister and she pops up to my dad every so often begging for money because everybody hates her and shes now facing homelessness as she believes she's too good to work.. So draw from that what you will :)

@tornadosequins thank you so much for this reply, its really touched me. I think that is part of the problem, the people around me are so close to their family. My DP and MIL have the sweetest relationship, and he often says that me, her and our daughter are his queens! I love this about him, and I love that he still does her food shopping for her every week. But I can't help but feel I must be awful for feeling the way I do about my mum in comparison. But as you have said, I forget that our upbringing were very different!

Youarestillintherunning

I sympathise op, similar story here.

Mine took an overdose when she was pregnant with me as she had an argument with my father. During my life her 'overdoses' have became a regular thing.

Once was 8 paracetamol beacuse a boyfriend left her, I remember missing my GCSEs as I had to rush to the hospital to console her. She spent the entire time begging me to try and get her exbf in touch with with her.

I vividly remember her xbf putting washing up liquid in my mouth when i was cheeky to him, she stayed with him then blamed me when he ran off with someone else, I was 11.

I am currently 37 weeks pregnant and was telling her how tired I was lately. Her response, 'well you should of kept your legs shut...'

It's hard because despite all her faults I bloody love her...