So how do you all feel about your mums?

[Youarestillintherunning]

I really can't relate with how people speak about their mums. I always hear things like "my mum is my best friend, I would be lost without her" and so on. This sounds really horrible, but at best I can just about tolerate mine for short periods of time. Am I a bad person? Do most people really get on with their mums?

For context, my mum voluntarily put me in care when I was 9, she then changed her mind and wanted me back but she wasn't allowed for "neglect." She made a lot of things up, said that stuff had happened to me that hadn't. She wasn't physically or emotionally available for most of my teenage years. Instead, I was kind of the parent. She would often try to kill herself, and call me to tell me she was going to do it. I'm still angry at her for all of this, I seem to have never moved past that point of being a teenager who is annoyed by everything their mum does.

Over the past few years she seems to have got her life together. She is angry at me that I still treat her like the same person she was, because she has apologised and taken responsibility for what happened. She said that these are my issues now and she wont take the blame for how I feel anymore.

I'm curious about other people's relationships with their mums, am I just a terrible child? I know that everyone makes mistakes but I can't move past hers.

Mine procured me to be sexually abused by her elder brother and her dodgy friends.

In my 30s she manipulated dh and I to sell our house and 'share' hers. We paid all maintenance including jobs she had done in her name and all the bills (considerable for a 6-bed house), introduced us as her tenants and intended to get her hands on the £40,000 we had from our house sale.

We didn't play ball, she disowned me, lied to the postman to get our new address and we got loads of anonymous letters, got friends to write to me saying how upset she was I wasn't speaking to her.

Finally, she named the tenant of her garage as her next of kin, and when she died all my late df's things with enormous sentimental value to me and that he wanted me to have were sold as per her will. Sadly she typed his will and the things were left absolutely rather than a life interest.
She banned me from her funeral. I loved her.
Wish I'd gone to the police - she might've ended her days slopping out in Styal.

Have you had support from a therapist/clinical psychologist with expertise in childhood trauma? It might help.

So much of what you're experiencing - including that sense of owing her - is the result of trauma. Sometimes just understanding how trauma works and effects you can be enough to change things so it no longer feels so distressing/unmanageable. Sometimes it takes a bit of therapeutic input.

Judith Herman's book Trauma and Recovery is really good for understanding how the specific kinds of trauma you experienced affected you as a child and today, as well as what recovery looks like. I think it's on Audible now if you'd find listening easier than reading.

The important thing is that things can change for you and it doesn't mean you'll be a bad mum.

Mine is a very difficult person and I have had no contact with her for 7 years. I don't intend to ever be in contact again. It's hard sometimes.

I'm one of the lucky ones whose mum was and is fantastic. We always knew we were her pride and joy. I went a bit off the rails for a while MH-wise and forgot that but that was my issue not hers. She was there waiting the whole time.

napac.org.uk is an organisation that may be helpful to you.

Unfortunately some of us were definitely at the back of the queue when it comes to mothers.
My mother had schizophrenia and was also an alcoholic. Fell asleep drunk with a fag in her hand when I was a year old. Burnt the flat out in Bristol and set fire to next doors. My older brother and sister were put in to care and I was put out for fostering. My brother and sister eventually went home and she told them I died in the fire. They grew up thinking I was dead.
I did get a long term placing with an open adoption but the couple split up. I managed to stay with my stepfather which was ok. I try to keep going forward and remain positive but it does affect you to an extent.

Mine was ok, although she wasn't particularly maternal. Her own mother had major MH problems and was sectioned a few times so mum never had a role model. Having said that, Mum was an amazing granny and great granny. It was almost as if she had learnt from her mistakes when we were children and decided to make it right with ours. She died at the end of March last year and I miss her more than I thought I would.

My mum was the best mum I could of dreamt always there for me so funny loyal and loving she died suddenly last year at 63, 6 weeks before I had my first baby. I am drowning in grief and literally miss her every moment,
If I had a mother like yours I would feel the same as you I am sure

@OhRene. That resonates with me. My kid knows they're loved, and supported, and they can talk to me/their dad about anything. They know how vile my mother is (she enabled and supported the grooming of her own children, and is absolutely a narc).

OP, it's perfectly okay to not love your mother, nor want anything to do with her.

Those of you with narc parents may find this image useful (I found it shared in a support group some years ago, and find it useful for explaining how narcs work.

I have a complicated relationship with mine tbh. She had me very young and was not ready to be a mother so my grandmother cared for me for the first couple of years of my life.

From my childhood a lot of memories are of my dm being very short tempered and generally quite selfish - I had a younger sister who was much younger and she was always palming her off on me to look after, getting me to run errands, help with housework etc (brother didn't have to do any of this). As a result we weren't very close.

However, once I had dc of my own, she became the most doting grandmother ever, and treated them much better than she had ever treated me. I'm grateful for her help with them, she was a keen babysitter and cared for them when I went to work p/t, and they've grown up having a much closer relationship with her than I have (and they have questioned why I'm not affectionate to her)

If you asked her what sort of relationship she has with me, she would say we are really close but emotionally I don't feel close to her at all, it's as if I can't let go of the past. I do things for her, take her out etc, so I treat her well, but I do wish I felt closer to her especially as she's now pretty unwell and won't be around much longer.

@Changechangychange may I ask what your mother did to interfere in your marriage I think I have these issue with my dad and in laws thanks

My mum struggled with depression throughout my childhood. Due to this she had terrible mood swings and took it out on those closest to her including me my brother and my dad.

She would lose her rag at random and then ignore us for a few days (even when we were young) and then just go back to normal one day.

Between those times she was a fantastic mum. Holidays, days out, looking after us at home, always making our friends welcome ..

.. but the point is we never really knew when the next mood swing was coming, and that contributed massively to the anxiety disorder I developed as a teen/young adult.

When I was 24 she was having a particularly tough time resulting in her asking my dad to leave. She regrets this but has remained apart from him for 6 years because she's too stubborn to admit mistakes. So her and my dad are both miserable on their own, and my brother and I are stuck in the middle trying to keep both of them happy.

The space from them both over lockdown was a relief, though I know it's bad of me to say. Taking that step back made me realise just how much her behaviour affected me, and encouraged me to get help for my own mental health. I started antidepressants in January and they've helped me a lot and since then I've been able to sort through some of my feelings about my mum.

I don't think we will ever be best friends but at least now I feel able to have a mother daughter relationship - and if she treats us like she used to when she gets in a mood I have the strength to know I don't have to stand for it.

My Mum and Dad were good parents, not perfect, but then who is. They gave me and my siblings a lovely, secure and loving childhood. When I was younger I took this for granted and assumed this as my right and that all children had loving and responsible parents. How wrong I was and I know now how lucky me and my siblings were.

Oh OP, bless you, please don’t blame yourself in any way for feeling like you do.

My mom is my hero, tho it hasn’t all been plain sailing and we were NC for a couple of years (fault on both sides). She is an epically brilliant person tho. But I am one of the lucky ones.....

despite all her faults I bloody love her
That isn't love, it is a 'trauma bond' it is damaging for you to feel love for someone who has harmed you so deeply and remorselessly

My mum is a selfish narcissist who has only ever valued me for my achievements or if I have done things she perceived as successful. She’s continues to be cruel and negative towards me. Her parents were very cruel also and she never learned how to be a proper parent, without using guilt and shame to control. I have a relationship with her but she will never be my friend or someone I go to in a crisis.

I’m about to have my own daughter and after a lot of therapy I can safely say that it now all stops with me; my child will always know how unconditionally loved they are and how valued they are.

My mum and dad gave us the idyllic perfect childhood, great family around us , beautiful location, home cooked food and always always put my brother and I first!

But i struggle calling her my best friend, I live close to mum and dad and they do so much for us, I suppose I’m a daddies girl but I can’t connect to her, she never listens and only hears what’s she want to hear even if it’s something totally different to why was said, and she takes absolutely everything personally so it’s like trending on egg shells with her all the time, as I said she is great but I can’t imagine having that special bond with her that so many women have, I’m so sorry that some of you have had awful childhoods, I suppose I was one of the lucky ones

@Youarestillintherunning I can't say it doesn't bother me but I don't let it upset me much. It's just how my mum is. It would be like being mad at a dog for barking. She's a selfish woman and always will be. I used to work for the family business and they took out £20K in loans and put my name as guarantor. I didn't realise til a bailiff contacted me years down the line that I had a debt! Turns out it was part of loads of papers I signed. Luckily the debt collector realised I'd been duped and sent the debt back as uncollectible. I had asked him to take me to court so I could have a CCJ which meant I could apply for bankruptcy to get rid of it over my head. He said it wouldn't help anyone. No one would get any money and my future would be severely effected. Nice guy.

I had a choice. Cut ties with mum, owe £20K and my kids don't have a gran,
or keep a relationship with her, STILL owe £20K and my kids have a gran. I chose to have a mum. She never saw anything wrong with the loan guarantee because it wasn't their fault apparently. They had been taken out because companies had not settled their bills and she had a very clear, "Well it wasn't OUR doing! We got shafted you know!" Attitude.
She will never not be self centred but she would also do things like drive me and the kids to A&E in the middle of the night. I don't think anyone can be 100% an asshole. They have their good parts. It's why so many of us don't go NC.

My mum was a brilliant mum to me when I was growing up (not so much to my sister but that's a different story).

Since I've had DC though I feel much more distant from her as she's always totally wrapped up in her own issues and only wants to talk about that, she isn't hands on with the GC and when I talk she doesn't listen - just instantly relates every subject back to herself. I had a health issue at the end of last year which made me quite unwell and told her about it. She's never asked me how I am since. That sort of thing.
I think she'd say we were close but to me it feels one sided, almost like I've become the parent to her. It does make me a bit sad.

I'm not surprised you don't feel close to your mum though op, I don't think anyone would in those circumstances

Sorry for your loss @misssunshinexxx

Bubblebath, your mum sounds so much like mine!
For those of you who have had these experiences, do you feel you have managed to deal with it now?
I haven't had any therapy but now that I have my daughter I do think I need to address these issues and learn how to move on. Particularly since having her I've struggled, because the sheer amount of love that I have for her, I can't understand how any mum could do the things that so many of us have experienced. Thank you for the recommendations for books, I will definitely have a look into these.

I completely understand what you say, OP, when you write that you don’t recognise other people’s descriptions of their relationship with their mothers. I don’t either.

My experiences weren’t as bad as yours but I remember a childhood of being made to feel like an inconvenience, of tiptoeing around my mother’s sensitivities, of her behaviour being whitewashed (which it still is - I’ve been told by relatives recently about “how much she does for you” and I’m STILL racking my brains to think what that actually is). The making-everything-about-her has continued into my adulthood, along with wanting to be included in everything but never actually putting in any effort. My feelings are also often rubbished as “making a fuss” or “being too sensitive” and I’ve come to realise how much deflecting and minimising goes on.

As for what to do, I’m looking for a therapist but I’m not sure where to start. I want a “proper” clinical therapist, not a “I’ve done a course and now I’ve set myself up as a counsellor” bod!

I really don't blame you for not being able to move past what she did. Those are seriously bad things.
I would never call my mum my 'best friend'. We have an alright relationship now but it's taken me four years of therapy to get here, and she has massively calmed down.
She is very self involved and doesn't really listen well. She was emotionally absent to me and my sibling growing up and there was serious physical abuse. She now blames that on her recent autism diagnosis but it rings a bit hollow tbh.

@CoveredInSnow

I've no experience with therapists but I've often seen BACP recommended on here by a long-term MNer.

www.bacp.co.uk/about-us/home/

Perhaps you can read up here and see if you can get some answers. Good luck. 🌹

I don't have a great relationship with mine. We just have completely different outlooks on life, relationships, parenting, everything! I am a lot more like my dad personality-wise and I just don't think we 'get' each other. Perfectly normal upbringing but she had 4 kids and I just don't think had the time to give any of us what we needed. Probably the reason I have only had one child. I am very jealous of my friends that have really good relationships with their mums. Just don't see it happening for me.

My relationship with my DM is very complex. I believe she does mean well, but she’s always been very bossy and always feels the need to give her advice, whether wanted or not. She’ll say, ‘This is just a suggestion, you don’t have to do it.’ As if, as an adult of 51, I wouldn’t know that!

There’s also a feeling of resentment when she does this, as she wasn’t like this when I was growing up, she was too focused on other things. Hence she failed to protect my DSis and me from being sexually abused by our F, who had conned her into thinking that he was a wonderful father.

She genuinely didn’t know, and when we told her a few years ago, she was devastated. For this reason, I still have a relationship with her, but it’s hard to let go of the resentment I feel about the past. She also bursts into tears if I ever bring up the subject. My DSis has the same experience.

Tbf, she is 81 now, though, and for the most part I’ve decided to ‘let sleeping dogs lie’ when I’m with her. She has a relationship with my DDs (12 and 9), which for me is the most important consideration.