So how do you all feel about your mums?

[Youarestillintherunning]

I really can't relate with how people speak about their mums. I always hear things like "my mum is my best friend, I would be lost without her" and so on. This sounds really horrible, but at best I can just about tolerate mine for short periods of time. Am I a bad person? Do most people really get on with their mums?

For context, my mum voluntarily put me in care when I was 9, she then changed her mind and wanted me back but she wasn't allowed for "neglect." She made a lot of things up, said that stuff had happened to me that hadn't. She wasn't physically or emotionally available for most of my teenage years. Instead, I was kind of the parent. She would often try to kill herself, and call me to tell me she was going to do it. I'm still angry at her for all of this, I seem to have never moved past that point of being a teenager who is annoyed by everything their mum does.

Over the past few years she seems to have got her life together. She is angry at me that I still treat her like the same person she was, because she has apologised and taken responsibility for what happened. She said that these are my issues now and she wont take the blame for how I feel anymore.

I'm curious about other people's relationships with their mums, am I just a terrible child? I know that everyone makes mistakes but I can't move past hers.

My mum is a lot nicer than yours, OP. I still find her very difficult to tolerate in anything other than small doses.

She is brisk and no-nonsense and utterly incapable of seeing anyone else's point of view. She dismissed anything I wanted to do as a child with Don't be ridiculous if it didn't fit in with her view of the world. She decided from a very young age that I was 'difficult' and even though I'm now late 50s she still dismisses my opinions and experiences with comments like Oh, here we go again! or other snipey remarks.

I see her as infrequently as possible. I will not miss her when she dies.

I'd be lost without my mum. She's a huge part of my life. Wanted for nothing as a child even though we weren't well off she'd do without to make sure we had the latest trainers, holidays etc. I had a great childhood and she's just a lovely mum that would do anything for me. She helps out with my kids a lot too and is a fab Gran.

You are not horrible but sadly it sounds like ur mum was. Hardly surprising ur not keen on her given what u went through as a kid.

I’m not close to my mum. Like you, I can’t tolerate her for long periods of time and I think she feels the same about me.

Growing up, I always felt like I was an inconvenience to her. I remember her once saying if I didn’t have kids then I could go do this and that. Her needs always came first.

I ended up moving in with my dad temporarily at her request which soon turned permanent by my choice. She was hounding me by phone saying I need to come home as she would lose her benefits for me, not because she loved and missed me, she was straight to the point that it was money. She tried guilt tripping me saying she would have to move because she wouldn’t be able to afford to live in the house anymore.

My grandma raised us really. Every school holidays we were shipped off to my grandmas and return home with new uniforms, coats shoes etc. I never bothered asking for anything from my mum growing up like to go on school trips or to have a fashionable clothing item as I knew it would never materialise. My mum on the other hand seems to think we never missed one school trip. I never asked to go as I knew she would make an excuse as to why she couldn’t afford it.

Her partners were and always have been her main focus. She allowed one of her partners to emotionally abuse my sister after myself and my older sister had moved out. He would tell lies about her and do things like keep the tap running when she was in the shower to make it cold or turn the oven right up so her tea would burn. I could go on forever.

Now I have a son and she barely makes any effort. I see her if I see her. She doesn’t come to me. But like previous posters have said, my son will never know what it’s like to feel unloved and abandoned. I will always make sure he knows he’s loved and can rely on me for anything he needs.

My DM is dead and I felt nothing but anger about it. She was useless, self obsessed, entitled, unloving and refused to accept the harm she did.

She never wanted me. I was a vehicle to hold onto my DF and an easy, work free life. She was constantly chasing men and obsessed with money. She never hugged me, told me she loved me or was proud of me.

She made me parent her and I went NC years before she died. Hateful, spiteful bitch

NC as I know DM lurks on here - I would say that I only have a relationship with my mother because I don't live close to her. We speak regularly on the phone, but it's not daily, and we have little in common so it's small talk for the sake of keeping in touch. I always felt that she prioritised her husband (who wasn't my bio father) over her children, and she prioritised my brother over me because "men run the world". That's an example of the old-fashioned views that she held, in fact she still thinks that way even now. I didn't have a bad childhood, just not one that resulted in close friendships with my parents.

It is pretty easy to be close to a mum that’s good at the job OP but not so easy to one that’s neglectful or abusive. There is nothing wrong with you or how you feel .

This has worried me a lot recently as I am currently pregnant with a daughter and I was so wishing for a son as I have no idea how a mother daughter relationship should be and I do not want history to repeat itself.

My mother is selfish and constantly wallowing in self pity. She had manic depression when I was a child which was treated but my father left due to her drinking and self pitying behaviour when drunk. She then became obsessed with cleaning and the house was unbearable to live in, couldn’t even have a crumb out of place without her causing hell on. All of her time was spent cleaning, or drunk and crying and we were left to our own devices.

She never took us out unless it involved her friends who she constantly wanted to be with and wine at the same time. I don’t remember any good times like shopping etc.
I wasn’t neglected but she was so wrapped up in her own issues and thoughts she never once stopped to consider me.

Now she does make a lot more effort, she tries to be interested and helps with the DC as much as she can. My DC adore her but I always have this wall up to her that I can’t bring down

My mother is just an unpleasant person, just difficult and unpleasant. We have a shallow relationship, but as we live physically close to each other she loves to tell people how close we are as a family. Thinking about my childhood just makes me iffy in an unspecified way, i know it wasn't all bad, but i don't have any good memories in fact some of the things i do remember my mum doing were outright abusive.
She treats me and my sister differently, she treats our children differently. She's weirdly controlling about inane things, like if she asks you what you want for Christmas and you say blue socks, she'll get you red socks, yellow socks and green socks. It'll not be what you wanted but you can't say anything because it's above and beyond.
She's just an ignorant, petty person. Recently I got a great new job that pays almost the same as hers, and she is horrified she said 'i can't believe they pay you so much for sitting around all day', it goes without saying I obviously don't sit around all day.

My mother is just horrible to be around, and i spend as little time with her as possible. I don't know whether it's me getting older or having my own children, but as time goes on I find it harder and harder to put up with her.

3ormoredogs

Please don't worry I'm sure you'll be a fantastic mum to your dd.

My dd is 12 and I'm currently pregnant with ny 2nd. We are so very close, I am far from the perfect mother but she is safe and loved and I don't project my own shit onto her like my own mother did.

When done right mother and daughter relationships are lovely

@GallopAlong

...as time goes on I find it harder and harder to put up with her.

I can only speak from personal experience but I think as we grow older, not only do we see other, more positive mother/child relationships and realise that ours weren't like that (as an example, a friend has a couple of children and she adores them - she is on their side, she regularly tells them how much she loves them and she engages with them. Watching her made me realise this was streets away from my own experiences) but we start to question and recognise behaviours that aren't OK. When you're a child you just think what you experience is the norm, because it's all you know, but as time goes on we see and experience a wider range of behaviours against which to compare.

For me, the penny dropped when something quite shit happened to me relationship-wise and my mother made the whole thing about her, dragging my father off to deal with her drama and leaving me alone. I couldn't believe she'd done that when I needed someone the most. I then realised the pattern just echoed all the way back through my life and it was awful, like everything fell apart and the "We're such a great family" was false. But I'd been told all this was normal (in hindsight, the relatives that told me that just didn't want to have to accept anything to the contrary) and I'd been brought up to believe it.

@Newestname001 thank you, I'll have a look.

I miss the warmth and support and interest that I see between other mothers and daughters. I'd love for my mum to be really interested in me. That sounds really self-centred. It's not meant to be.
Her interest in me always revolved around her... if what I was doing served a purpose and benefitted her, she was more engaged. But the minute whatever I was doing did not involve benefitting her life or livelihood in any way, she'd rarely call or check-in or show any engagement. She can turn off like a switch. I hear via the grapevine that she cares a great deal about me. But she doesn't take action to show that to me. Though, in my life, there have been episodes where she's really shown loving support, so I can't fault her entirely. She is who she is. And she's my mum... so... it's complex. She's just a bit negligent and walled off. She often misses cues and doesn't really show grace when you've done something really kind for her. She just expects to be loved and looked after but it doesn't really occur to her to give that back, if that makes sense. She is nice but she's not a giver.
There are reasons as to why our relationship is complex; reasons which will turn this into an essay. So I'll refrain from all that.

I'm almost 50 and I've made a lot of peace with my relationship with mom and with mom herself (she's in the States, hence 'mom'). But I'll always sort of miss not having a mother who is really, deeply part of my life.

@3ormoredogs I have two dds and wanted sons as I had/have the same fears

I loved my Mum, but I judged and resented her for the way she brought me up and the things I and my sisters were exposed to. It got worse when I had my own children and I distanced myself quite a lot. I loved her, but I didn't respect her at all. Assumed I'd get over it, forgive her and gain some closure with it all over time, but she died suddenly at 56. I couldn't do the whole gushing 'lost my amazing mother' stuff, as she wasn't and to be honest probably brought her early death on herself by her lifestyle. She was mentally ill, fragile and struggled every day to just exist in a world that she didn't fit. She was kind and caring and fun and creative, but she wasn't great at life and unfortunately kids kind of need that...

My mother is dying. She has very severe dementia and is not likely to live more than a few months. We have had a very difficult relationship in a number of ways (mainly caused by her) and I would never describe her as a friend, let alone my best friend. But, the one advantage of this horrible disease (which is causing my father a lot of pain in witnessing her decline) is that I finally know that she loves me. She can barely speak and has practically no receptive or expressive language but when I turn up to see her, she holds my hand and says 'I love you'. This is almost the only thing she says and she only says it to me.

So she's not my friend, she's not my best friend, and I don't know if I love her. But she, apparently, does actually love me. I'm glad I know that at last. Not sure if I can forgive her for all the shit in my childhood. I'm still glad to know it.

My mum was my best friend, biggest support, always made me feel I could do whatever I wanted but never suffocated me. She died in December from leukaemia and I can't get over it. My 3 y o adored her and I'm pregnant with my second who will never get to meet her. In some ways I wish there had been a bad side to her because maybe then it wouldn't feel so hard but reading your posts I feel so lucky to have had her as my mum, even for far to short a time. I hope I can be even 10% as good to my little girl as she was to me.

I'm so sorry for those who have difficult relationships.

I'm sorry about your childhood OP, it must have been really tough on you and I'm not at all surprised you have a strained relationship with her. Even if she has come to terms with what happened and changed, that does not in any way change how she impacted on your childhood and you are under no obligation to forgive her or try to be her best friend.
I can't answer your question about my relationship with my mother as she died when I was a child, but I am v close to her sister and I call her for a gossip and to ask for her advice a lot, so in that respect she is a good friend even though she's my aunt.

Very similar situation to you @Cbd333 my heart goes out to you my life will never be the same again the shock is unreal

So sorry, OP

I’m NC with mine. She walked out when I was 14 to be with someone she was having an affair with.

Don’t know if she is alive or dead, don’t care if she is alive or dead.

Having DC of my own has made me even more angry that she could do that to her own children

I hope she dies alone, she certainly deserves to

My mom is my rock, she's amazing and she's always been there for me through out the years, I'd be lost without her

At least you can try and have that relationship with your own children though, you have control over that

I don’t have a relationship with my mother.

She was an abusive bully and at the age of 14 I came back to the UK to live with my grandparents on their Dorset Farm.

I haven’t seen or spoken to her in ten years. My father maintains she probably had psychotic episodes but the court awarded custody to her all the same. I still have the scar above my eye where she attacked me.

I have absolutely zero contact with both my mother and my father. My parents were extremely neglectful as we all grew up. I had a such a horrible and rough childhood, to the extent of i was jealous of others and other people's families and wished I had a normal family. It was awful. My parents were big time alcoholics. It wasn't a case of drinking every day but every other day and drinking until they were drunk. I hated weekends as they got paid their benefits on Fridays and were just always boozing. Weekends were spent at the various pubs in town. Alcohol would be prioritised over food. We never had the correct uniform and would frequently go without socks. Sometimes they would be too bladders to cook us dinner. I was as young as young as 6 or 7. I would have to take care of my younger siblings. It was horrible. They would also cook while drunk and I was so scared of the house going on fire as they were stumbling around the cooker lighting the hobs and falling over leaving the gas on and going to sleep absolutely drunk. Then the fighting would start. Physical as well as shouting. I remember as a teenager getting off the bus and praying that when I get home they won't be drunk. They would fight and my mother would throw my father out. Only for him to come back and be banging on the doors and windows all night and we were petrified and couldn't sleep. Going to school in the same knickers for about 4 days. Never having correct p.e kit. They would also bring strangers home from pubs. Paedophiles included. They also had sex with other people with the other egging each other on whilst we were upstairs. Then they separated and I tried to be there and support my mother. Only for her to be extremely abusive to me. I fled and got married to the best man jn the world and now have 5 children and so much happier.
I have tried to support my mother and be there for her nut she has extremely bad mental health and still abused me so I went no contact 4 years ago now and its for the best. I really feel sick and sad for my childhood. I just want to give my kids the absolute best.
Thank God for my husband. He literally have me the love I never had. Sadly nc with my siblings too. They are all a nightmare on drugs etc. Its a pity for them but it is what it is unfortunately.

I do however have a wonderful father and mother in law. Kind and patient people. Loving and call me daughter , rather and daughter in law.

It sounds so sad and pathetic whe I say am jealous of other people having their mum as their best friend or a big sister. And I wish it was me too meeting my mum at the garden centre for a coffee or go shopping.

Complicated, in short. From a bit of distance (physical and mental) I’d say my mother has a moderate to severe mental health issue, and my father’s approach is just to maintain as much distance as he can from her. So she’s needy, obsessional, irrational and not good company, and also has a habit of offering me/DH/anyone else the world but then quickly turning it around on you and guilt-tripping you for not accepting more and more of her overwhelming behaviour in turn. Lots of issues with boundaries. Blamed me for her having cancer when I was a teen, all sorts along those lines.

It made me seek out financial success early so I couldn’t be bought. I now see her once a year or so (we live abroad) and I just keep things very superficial. Which is a shame because with most people I’m not like that at all, but with her I go dead.

So so sorry @PopsicleHustler truly horrific you didn't deserve any of that but you know that. I bet you are a wonderful mum to your tribe ❤️

I don't know what it is to love a mother. I avoid mine like the plague and moved hundreds of miles away so I had an excuse not to have to see her.