wife walks out after 36 years marriage and now wants us to be friends

[Objectiveman]

After 36 years marriage my wife walked out on me.
Announced one night that "I deserved someone better" and she wanted a new start in life. Her mind was made up. It was not bad council/advice by friends and was soley her decision. I had no option but to accept it.
( 7 years previous she had a text affair 50/60 texts per day for weeks to some guy, I accidently found out when she left her account open on the laptop ) She said at the time " You deserve someone better"
I had a nervous breakdown, attempted suicide, but forgave her.
Back to the present.
Within 5 days she had packed all her clothes, took the car and left.
House was to be sold.
I had seen she had been nervous recently, I had bought her flowers one day and she acted like I had scared her and raced into the kitchen to put them in a vase. Phone calls were made behind closed doors. - But I thought nothing of it.
I stated, if its over I wanted a formal separation.
I asked her was she "Up to something" and in a "FLAT tone" she denied she doing anything wrong and not cheating on me.
I was paying her sim card bill. Next billing period. " You deserve someone better" made me look to see if there was something in her calls that would account for her behaviour.
Well I found a number that was being Called, When I was in bed, when I was at work, When she was supposed to be doing overtime.
I called it ....
Turns out it was the husband of a friend of hers who had died recently.
A friend she only seen 3-4 times a year. But whom she saw more often during her illness and leading up to her death. 37 calls to him in 50 days. As early as 7:30am and as late as 10:45pm ( for 40 minutes).
He denied there were any calls made to him. ( Could they of been Bereavement comfort calls - I don't know )
Once I produced the evidence and ( Some unsavoury words ) I was blocked by her on phone, mail, whatsapp etc:
I've had another nervous breakdown and am on the usual medication.
Communication has had to occur due to house sale.
She has now been away 5 months.
However she now tagged on to a recent email ( thats the only way I'm prepared to communicate ) that she hopes we can be friends in the future and meet at Christmas, weddings and baptisms.
Is it unreasonable for me to say I will NEVER be in even the same building with you. We will NEVER meet again.

I can't understand it.
She wanted an "New life", got it including a separation. I even helped her get things together - until I found out about the calls. I'm standing over - she cheated on me. I don't know if he rang her. or if they met.
He does'nt live close. But she was going to work an hour early and coming home an hour late.... I don't understand that.
But I was all done behind my back.
We have adult children. I have told them they will have to accept I won't be at these events if she is there. We will do something privately elsewhere.
Am I unreasonable.?

She has stated she is Sorry for what her actions did to me.
But she has never stated what those actions were or admitted to doing anything inappropriate.

You are absolutely right to not be anywhere near her, your children are adults and she only wants to be friends to appease her guilt.

You are better off without her, wishing you happiness.

You DO deserve better
I think you’re totally justified in staying away. But, the only events I would think YABU to avoid because of her would be things like weddings, baptisms etc, you don’t want to punish your children or put them in an uncomfortable position of having to choose between parents however awful she’s been

Just ignore anything personal that is not to do with the house. Once it's sorted you will no longer need to have any communication.

I wouldn't give her the satisfaction of any response at all. Simply answer questions factually about the house sale if needed. Ignore everything else.

Sorry you are going through this. It's grim, and it's also hard you don't know why or what exactly happened. It's very raw now and that may be so for the next 1 - 2 years. Do make sure you have people you can talk to? - If you don't have good friends who are good talkers I would suggest some counselling. A period of rumination is totally natural, but you don't want to get stuck in it.

Beyond a reasonable mourning period it is unreasonable to your kids to refuse to go to family events like weddings and christenings, yes. It's forcing them to chose between their parents, and focus on you on days when they shouldn't have to do that. You can reasonably ask them to be considerate about seating arrangements. Christmas and Easters you should be able to split somehow.

I hope things get better for you.

Honestly...yeah, a little unreasonable.

You're entitled to feel how you like but tbh after 36 years of marriage...I'm not surprised anyone leaves tbh. People and feelings change a lot in 36 years. You had a good run.

With the exception of that one emotional affair years back at least.

If it were me... I wouldn't want to be friends but I'd like to think I could muster the decency to be civil at shared events.

She may not even have cheated on you. Maybe she just left because she realised she wanted to. And that made her realise she has to end things with you.

I think you should focus on getting your mental health back on track. You may never get whatever closure you still need from her. You'll have to make it for yourself by letting go.

I really really get where you are coming from, but you need to be practical. If you have adult children there will be weddings, babies ,parties etc most of which will be impossible to split and will be a huge source of pain and anxiety for your kids if you are refusing to be in the same room. You dont need to be friends, just civil to each other if you are in the same room so family events can happen. This may sound harsh but its not your childrens fault, they are hurting too and you are directly hurting them by refusing to have a working relationship with their mum. Before you jump down my throat and say im being judgy i have had to do exactly this for the last 10 years with my horrible, abusive ex. Yes its bloody hard and awful. Is it worth it for my kids happiness?Without a doubt.

Firstly may I say that I'm sorry to hear about the last few years of your marriage, it must have been extraordinarily difficult for you and I'm glad you are finding yourself able to start to move on now. It's great that you have sought and accessed medical support. Do you have friends/family who can support you too?

I'm afraid I do think you are being unreasonable in putting your children in such a difficult situation - you are essentially trying to make them choose between their parents and emotionally blackmailing them by saying you won't attend, for example, their child's baptism if they invite their mother as well. What are they supposed to do with that?

Your ex is of course also being unreasonable by wanting you to be "friends", it sounds like she had treated you terribly and she cannot expect you to be friendly towards her. However, I would suggest that you need to aim for "polite civility" (this does not necessarily mean even speaking to her, but it does mean tolerating her in the same room for crucial moments in your joint children's lives).

A friend's parents has a terribly acrimonious divorce and she told them that whichever one kicked up a fuss about the other being invited somewhere would be the one asked to leave. I know that is hard to swallow when you are the wronged party but unfortunately you will both always be their parents regardless of what has happened between you and although they are now adults themselves they still need both their parents in their lives. It's not your children's fault that your relationship has broken down so I would focus on minimising the effects on them rather than dragging them into it. I would imagine the first big event will be the hardest and after that things will be easier.

Not unreasonable at all. Her friendship offer is nothing more than an attempt to ease her guilty conscience.

She shit all over you not once but twice (that you know of) and now she wants you to be nice about it so she doesn't feel bad.

The only thing I would say is that do not put your children in the middle of this. Don't ruin important events in their lives. There will be times you will have to suck it up and be civil. A good example is weddings. Not about you and not appropriate to give a "me or her". You can't seriously expect two separate functions for each of your children's major life events.

I suspect that she intended to leave you when she had her affair and left the messages on her laptop as a rather cowardly way of telling you but when you had a breakdown and attempted suicide she probably felt that she couldn't leave .
Whilst I understand that you are feeling very hurt (understandably so) I'm afraid that you are wrong to put your children in the middle of it, by saying what you have you are telling them that they have to choose you and their mum that's not fair on them

She has hurt you deeply and YANBU to cut all contact. I’m sorry she put you through that. However please don’t hurt your children by refusing to go to important events in their life if their mum is there. That’s crappy not matter what has been done to you.

You’re being extremely unreasonable forcing your DC to make a choice.

Your ex doesn’t want to hang out with you she wants the pair of you to behave in a civil fashion for the sake of your DC. Which you should.

You can go to the big events - weddings / baptisms etc You don’t have to be friends. But they are life events for your children.

Civil formal exchange - you do not have to share news or anything you don’t want to - job done

As for Christmas/Easter / whatever - it’s your call

13 answers in- there is a mixed response.
However the balance of it lies with.... don't let it affect the adult children.
I accept it puts the Children in an awkward position.
However, I also have to balance that up with the impact it may have on my mental health.
Yes - it's raw now and early days.
2 cheats.
2 breakdowns.
1 attempt suicide by me.
She is repugnant to me at the moment. That you could inflict this on someone, not once but twice is unbelievable. !!
I love my (adult) children dearly and have done everything in my life to make things as easy as possible for them.
However - I don't know if I could stretch it to an encounter with what of what has been my torturer and potential executioner.

Think of two Nervous breakdowns inflicted by the same person on you......
You need to live through a nervous breakdown to understand the effect it has.
Your not in control.
You make definate decisions only to think they're not logical and change them 20 minutes later and then change them again another 20 minutes later. And you think your actually in control.
Simple tasks like cooking you can no longer do.
Memory loss.
People talk to you and you have to ask them to repeat what they have said several times before you understand it.
You keep repeating the same things in your head over and over again, looking for answers - but knowing there are none but continue to do it.
And this goes on for weeks and weeks.
Every waking moment is a renewal of the anxiety/anguish.
Your only peace is when you sleep....
And this goes on for weeks and weeks and weeks
The torture in your head is relentless.

So those responses saying I should attend family events are hard to accept. Important as they are to the children.
But There could be alternative - non ex partner solutions made.

You’re sounding a little over dramatic now. You don’t have to be friends if you don’t want to. But you’re going to have to, on occasions, get over yourself and put your children’s wedding or grandchildren’s christening etc first. You won’t have to speak to her or sit with her, just concentrate on your children. I know it will be hard. But you could be proud of yourself. It’s all raw now. Hopefully you’ll feel calmer about this when you have to cross that bridge. I know I probably sound harsh to you, but she’s hurt you enough. Don’t let her spoil future events for you or your children.

I have never discouraged the children from having an relationship with their Mom.
Far from it.
I've said this is between their Mom and Me. I asked them to stay in touch with her.
Agreed their is "fallout" that can scatter on the adult children.
But, I also have to respect Myself and do what is best for me.
The adult children also have to accept that what has happenned has had a life changing affect on Dad.
So I continue to ask myself am I unreasonable Denying what is now my Ex any contact under any circumstances with me. Considering what she has done.
My balance still lies with Yes... Not unreasonable. Children will have see me in the insane stage and understand and future contact would be unhealthy.

Honeyroar,
I hear what you say... but the "over dramatic".
Is a bit over dramatic.
You need to live it to understand it.

Name change fail?

You actually sound manipulative and i wonder how much of that there has been over the past 36 years?

Yabu to put your children in that position.

Antique...
Your going off topic.
Manipulative ??
I was on balance the non-dominant person in our relationship.
Ex would agree.
I was always the one who most often conceeded when an issue arose in our marriage..... OK lets try it you way ... maybe if it does'nt work we'll change it.
We had a great/fantastic marriage up until her friend died. Our own " Love Nest" caravan. Her words not mine.
We had agreed so many plans for the future.......over 4 months Nov 2020 - Feb 2021 that disappeared.... Suddenly it was "I want a new life..... Read the history.

The best revenge is a life well lived. She has hurt you and you have been through a horrible time. You don't have to be friends of course not. But you can, in time learn to be civil with her for the sake of your children at important occasions surely?

I think it's unfair to view her as 'an executioner and torturer'- whilst I don't condone her cheating, she's allowed to divorce you and most people bounce back after a period of sadness really. The fact that you struggled to this extent isn't her fault.

Realistically, your choice means that you will miss out on important events in your children's lives, make sure you don't blame them for not prioritising you over your ex.

You sound really hurt, so understandably seeing her etc is hard to stomach for you right now.
It might be helpful for you to speak to someone impartial about this, have you had counselling?
Your mental health is important so I would do what feels right for you at this time, in my opinion. Consider in future you may feel differently if weddings etc pop up, but I would focus on healing for now.

She probably said "let's be friends" because she is trying to ease her guilty conscience. It's reasonable to think "no fucking way" but I'd advise you not to reply to her with those words because it will make you look unreasonable

It sounds like you're never going to find out what really happened. As hard it is you need to let it go. Block and move on. Focus on not dragging the kids down with you. It doesn't feel like it now but one day you'll feel better.