wife walks out after 36 years marriage and now wants us to be friends

[Objectiveman]

After 36 years marriage my wife walked out on me.
Announced one night that "I deserved someone better" and she wanted a new start in life. Her mind was made up. It was not bad council/advice by friends and was soley her decision. I had no option but to accept it.
( 7 years previous she had a text affair 50/60 texts per day for weeks to some guy, I accidently found out when she left her account open on the laptop ) She said at the time " You deserve someone better"
I had a nervous breakdown, attempted suicide, but forgave her.
Back to the present.
Within 5 days she had packed all her clothes, took the car and left.
House was to be sold.
I had seen she had been nervous recently, I had bought her flowers one day and she acted like I had scared her and raced into the kitchen to put them in a vase. Phone calls were made behind closed doors. - But I thought nothing of it.
I stated, if its over I wanted a formal separation.
I asked her was she "Up to something" and in a "FLAT tone" she denied she doing anything wrong and not cheating on me.
I was paying her sim card bill. Next billing period. " You deserve someone better" made me look to see if there was something in her calls that would account for her behaviour.
Well I found a number that was being Called, When I was in bed, when I was at work, When she was supposed to be doing overtime.
I called it ....
Turns out it was the husband of a friend of hers who had died recently.
A friend she only seen 3-4 times a year. But whom she saw more often during her illness and leading up to her death. 37 calls to him in 50 days. As early as 7:30am and as late as 10:45pm ( for 40 minutes).
He denied there were any calls made to him. ( Could they of been Bereavement comfort calls - I don't know )
Once I produced the evidence and ( Some unsavoury words ) I was blocked by her on phone, mail, whatsapp etc:
I've had another nervous breakdown and am on the usual medication.
Communication has had to occur due to house sale.
She has now been away 5 months.
However she now tagged on to a recent email ( thats the only way I'm prepared to communicate ) that she hopes we can be friends in the future and meet at Christmas, weddings and baptisms.
Is it unreasonable for me to say I will NEVER be in even the same building with you. We will NEVER meet again.

I can't understand it.
She wanted an "New life", got it including a separation. I even helped her get things together - until I found out about the calls. I'm standing over - she cheated on me. I don't know if he rang her. or if they met.
He does'nt live close. But she was going to work an hour early and coming home an hour late.... I don't understand that.
But I was all done behind my back.
We have adult children. I have told them they will have to accept I won't be at these events if she is there. We will do something privately elsewhere.
Am I unreasonable.?

@drpet49

* Within 5 days she had packed all her clothes, took the car and left. House was to be sold.*

^There is another man. Without a doubt she had this planned for a long time.

You can’t say this for certain.

@Jumpingintosummer

Yet when a woman post this, the answer is ALWAYS that the man has found someone else. Double standards.

You can’t say this for certain.

And yet everyone would be saying it if it was a man who left his wife. You'd have non stop posts about how he has another woman waiting.

Yanbu to not want to be friends but yabu to say that you will never attend the same events as her like weddings etc. Honestly, when at a wedding with more than 50 guests to don't talk to everyone there do you? You spend quality time with a small sub-section of the guests and that is fine. There is no need to be uncivil or make it uncomfortable, you can just stay at opposite ends of the room and not interact with each other but both be there for the happy couple (or whatever the focus of the big event is) rather than creating a drama every time these events happen for years to come, which is just overly dramatic and self-agrandising.

I am sorry for the devastating impact that the end of this relationship has had on you, but you will be able to rebuild a new and good life once you let go of the bitterness.

OP, its not either/or. That could be black and white thinking, a classic sign of depression.

Take a breath, regroup, focus on you, your health. Nod and smile ( from a distance)
Get therapy.

You may in time be able to nod and smile in the same room as your ex.

I hope you’re still reading OP, I can’t believe how different the posts here would have been if you were a hurting wife after 36 Years!

I know first hand the PTSD and anxiety that comes from infidelity and your wife was having an emotional affair at first. I suspect that the calls were an emotional affair too. Regardless they clearly crossed a line and coincided with the end of your marriage. Hard not to draw conclusions.

I completely understand your need to stay away, you are right, you do not have to be friendly with her. I am an adult child of divorced parents and we all manage to see our parents separately and understand that they don’t want to play happy families for our sakes. It works out ok, but there will be occasions where you will have to give a little for their sake but it’s all very raw and right now you do you!

One thing I would say is that bitterness just eats away at you though. Not at her. She doesn’t care. Try to let go. Acceptance (not forgiveness) for me should be where you try to head.

And yet everyone would be saying it if it was a man who left his wife. You'd have non stop posts about how he has another woman waiting

Because statistics bear out that men primarily leave for OW and women leave because of abuse.

You are deeply hurt right now and that is to be expected. You need to grieve. I hope you have sought professional support via your gp and counselling. You need to work through this process.

It is ok to say right now I want nothing to do with her. Don't be making future problems that may never happen.

When my ex first left I was devastated and never wanted to see or hear from him again. He had every right to finish the relationship. But he has spent the last few years continually letting the children down. And not financially supporting them. I'm angry at how he continues to behave. But the raw grief is long gone. I can be civil to him if I need to.

My mum and dad separated over 40 years ago. My mum was nothing but welcoming when he came to see us as children. Once we were teens she wasn't a point of contact anymore. And had nothing to do with my dad from that point. My sister got married a few years ago. We very much keep them apart socially. And they briefly spoke at the wedding. Mum left says that she never had to see him again now we were both married.

Just focus on now. And getting yourself to a better place. Time heals and life changes.

In any relationship (no matter how old or how new) there are always going to be two stories happening simultaneously. You talk of her inflicting mental breakdowns upon you. I would strongly suggest that she would state that you have inflicted your mental breakdowns upon her. I understand that depending on your diagnosis, you may not have had much say in your mental health response… I would suggest by looking at the way you write that perhaps your wife carried the emotional load of the family. That’s bloody hard. It’s possible she did the mental load too. Did you do all the appointments for kids - medical, dental, other allied health, birthday parties, sleepovers, present shopping, clothes shopping, etc? As well as remembering to buy the groceries, what everyone liked and disliked to eat, planning meals, cooking the food, washing the clothes, taking pets to the vet, vaccinating them, worming schedules, etc??? I’d hazard a guess that’s a no. You came and went to work and put your hand up for a few sporting events and the occasional parent teacher evening when pushed.
She’s done her time. She’s sick of carrying the load. She’s tired. She doesn’t need your load.
Let her go.

@Objectiveman

Your story really resonates with me.

My wife, who I adored, cheated on me and broke mine and my children’s hearts, to be with someone else.

Many years later, at my youngest son’s engagement party, she was there. With her husband, and not the guy she cheated on me with.

She marched over to me and started ranting at me. Repeating several times over, very loudly ‘ Why won’t you speak to me, why won’t you speak to me !!!! ‘

I was dumbstruck. Like a rabbit frozen in the headlights.......

After several seconds, I came to my senses, I calmly told her that this was not the time or place and to go back and sit down with her husband.

Her face was purple. She marched back to her husband who had an equally purpled coloured face and they had a bust up in the Corner.

I know from a reliable source she’s cheated on him several times.

I’ve haven’t spoken to her in years. I wish her the best life.

But bloody hell, a bullet dodged.

OP can I add I reread your comment on the aftermath of the first emotional affair and you were seriously traumatised. Have you sought therapy for that. Individual counselling, everything you describe is infidelity related PTSD.

In 2013 you were here in "caveman" mode, it seems like she has finally gone and frankly from having read your posts here and from 2013, I say good luck to her.

Your stubbornness is coming over here, loud and clear. You asked for advise, it was offered and you have stubbornly rejected it. You actually seem to enjoy wallowing in your pain.

Why do you need women on Mumsnet to support you? Did the counselling in 2013 not equip you with the skills you need to self soothe? Are there no men's forums that you can seek support from?

This might sound harsh, but a quick search of this username will give you some backstory.

OP
Please get some counselling.

You don't have to be friends, but you DO have to still be a parent to your adult children.

How patient do you think your children will be when you refuse to attend their weddings and children's birthday parties?

For the sake of your children, please get help to put the bitterness behind you.

However - I don't know if I could stretch it to an encounter with what of what has been my torturer and potential executioner

You need to get a grip here. My first husband did far worse and there is no way I'm going to spoil my children's weddings with ridiculous demands.

He tried to shag all my friends
He did sleep with my very best friend
He had one night stands
He tried to snog my Mum
He tried to crawl in to my sisters bed
He beat me up
He tried to swindle me out of my fair share of assets when we split
He underpaid child maintenance for years by lying to CMS

You can't change what people do, but you can be in control of your reaction. I will attend weddings with my head held high. It will be hard, as my ExH family all took his side and never spoke to me again, saying that "what he did was just a bit of fun, whereas me leaving him was splitting up a family"....so I was the villain of the piece. They will all be at my children's weddings, but I'll be buggered if that will stop me being there!!

It sounds like your marriage was struggling 7 years ago and she stayed because of your MH.

She has obviously tried very hard to make it work but when another man was interested in her, she has decided this time she will leave.

It wouldn't be good for you if she stayed out of duty.

You need to put your children first and go along to significant shared event. If you don't you will harm your relationship with them.

You sound very hurt and very angry, understandably so. My advice is to work on getting yourself better including counselling. You are very angry so have said things like you never want to be in the same room as her ever again. However this will impact on your children so for their sake, get some counselling and try and work through your feelings.

When at events you don't have to talk to her, sit near her or have anything to do with her or any kind of relationship with her, but it is important for your children that your anger at how your wife treated you, is not used to taint events such as weddings or christenings etc.

I don’t think you need to decide on the events right now unless there are any planned. You don’t want to be friends with your ex, it is raw at the moment. Focus on yourself for a while and avoid contact with her. You’ll be able to decide on the events as and when they arise - hopefully with a bit of time to heal from what you’ve been through.

I'd want to stay away too however if you have adult kids who then have kids and they are both of your grand kids I do think it's unreasonable to expect them to hold 2 events for the kids so one parent can be at one and one at the other. I'd accept being invited to birthdays etc and if you choose not to go you miss out. Which is pretty unfair on you and the kids/grand kids. So go and steer clear of her or do it but don't make it your kids responsibility to pander to both sides. After seeing that sort of thing play out with my relatives the one who refused to be at the same events just missed out because it becomes to hard to cater to everyone when busy with work and kids of their own.
You are absolutely free to choose not to join in but please don't make the kids have to play catch up for your decision.

You are clearly not yet well enough to see your ex. However you need to recognise that the healthy thing is to aim to be able to attend events and tolerate her presence. You are using very emotive language to describe someone who ultimately had an affair and left you. This is heartbreaking but not a crime. You need to get yourself well and move on. Making your kids choose or arrange multiple events us not the answer.

Having read previous posts it sounds like you have been quite a difficult person for your wife. There is more to this than you are sharing here.

@Bluedeblue

😲

This really boils down to: FFS put your children first!

It’s still raw and your hurt is palpable but there’s a big difference between not being her friend and forcing your children to choose.

She is still your children’s mother and if you stick to your proclamations you will be forcing your children to choose, which isn’t fair on them and I say that as a parent whose Ex tried to kill me.

I hope in time you will find peace, being bitter, as understandable as it may be, hurts you and your children more than it will ever hurt her.

Get support for your MH and remember being in the same room as her doesn’t mean that you forgive her or can forget.

OP, as someone who has been cheated on and suffered massively I have sympathy for you. Your children are adults. It is your choice and no one can force you to be at events if you don't want to. If your children came to you with the same set of circumstances you force them to be in the presence of an adult whose behaviour had such an effect on their mental health. I think not!

Concentrate on healing yourself now and get the help you need. This is your life and your future. You may change your mind in the future about being near her. Your ex has to accept how you feel. She can't force you to be "her friend". Who wants "a friend" who has treated them in this way?

Concentrate on you, your life and your own relationship with your children and stop focusing on her.

It is fully understandable that you are devastated now, especially with the discovery of the phone records.

I don't think anyone is suggesting that you should currently feel up to having a polite chat over the canapes at a christening, or sit at the top table together at your child or grandchild's wedding, just that this might be a good point to aim for in the not-too-distant future. That is to say, feeling dispassionate and settled enough about the situation that you can do those things where necessary. This will probably entail getting any practicalities out of the way as soon as possible, and focussing on your own mental wellness.