wife walks out after 36 years marriage and now wants us to be friends

[Objectiveman]

After 36 years marriage my wife walked out on me.
Announced one night that "I deserved someone better" and she wanted a new start in life. Her mind was made up. It was not bad council/advice by friends and was soley her decision. I had no option but to accept it.
( 7 years previous she had a text affair 50/60 texts per day for weeks to some guy, I accidently found out when she left her account open on the laptop ) She said at the time " You deserve someone better"
I had a nervous breakdown, attempted suicide, but forgave her.
Back to the present.
Within 5 days she had packed all her clothes, took the car and left.
House was to be sold.
I had seen she had been nervous recently, I had bought her flowers one day and she acted like I had scared her and raced into the kitchen to put them in a vase. Phone calls were made behind closed doors. - But I thought nothing of it.
I stated, if its over I wanted a formal separation.
I asked her was she "Up to something" and in a "FLAT tone" she denied she doing anything wrong and not cheating on me.
I was paying her sim card bill. Next billing period. " You deserve someone better" made me look to see if there was something in her calls that would account for her behaviour.
Well I found a number that was being Called, When I was in bed, when I was at work, When she was supposed to be doing overtime.
I called it ....
Turns out it was the husband of a friend of hers who had died recently.
A friend she only seen 3-4 times a year. But whom she saw more often during her illness and leading up to her death. 37 calls to him in 50 days. As early as 7:30am and as late as 10:45pm ( for 40 minutes).
He denied there were any calls made to him. ( Could they of been Bereavement comfort calls - I don't know )
Once I produced the evidence and ( Some unsavoury words ) I was blocked by her on phone, mail, whatsapp etc:
I've had another nervous breakdown and am on the usual medication.
Communication has had to occur due to house sale.
She has now been away 5 months.
However she now tagged on to a recent email ( thats the only way I'm prepared to communicate ) that she hopes we can be friends in the future and meet at Christmas, weddings and baptisms.
Is it unreasonable for me to say I will NEVER be in even the same building with you. We will NEVER meet again.

I can't understand it.
She wanted an "New life", got it including a separation. I even helped her get things together - until I found out about the calls. I'm standing over - she cheated on me. I don't know if he rang her. or if they met.
He does'nt live close. But she was going to work an hour early and coming home an hour late.... I don't understand that.
But I was all done behind my back.
We have adult children. I have told them they will have to accept I won't be at these events if she is there. We will do something privately elsewhere.
Am I unreasonable.?

In your own words op you pretty much had a great marriage up till now. Apart from one emotional affair.

Tbh 2 emotional affairs in 36 years...not sure I could get so worked up about them in the grand sceme of things. Especially considering the second time it started to go that way again she decided to be decent enough to end things rather than carry on behind your back.

I mean she's the mother of your kids and you had a good 36 years together. I'd just chalk her indescressions up to being human tbh.

I'm sure I would have been mad initially tbf and a marriage ending after so many years together, must have been heart wrenching.

But I think when you are old and grey you'll remember the good times, and forgive her the bad.

OP I've had numerous breakdowns and I still think YWBU to refuse to be in the same room as your ex at your kids' big life events.

Yes it's shit, but unless there an event next week, get yourself as much MH treatment as you can and then stop thinking about that u til it happens. You're focused on that one part because it's made you understandably angry.

Breakups are shit but when you have kids you have to tolerate some stuff that may hurt and all you can do is be responsible to get your MH as stable as possible for when that stuff happens.

You currently have a choice to be a part of your children/grandchildren’s lives or not. You will be invited but not attend. Your choice.

If this was my parent I wouldn’t be having and financing separate celebrations. Marriages brake up, she is not your torturer or potential executioner, these are your words and would be your own choices.

You don't have to make a policy about weddings and baptisms that you haven't been invited to yet. Right now you don't want to see her. That's normal. In 2 years this grief won't be so raw and you will have learned to function without her as your partner. Don't announce a policy then entrench yourself in that position. Ignore her overtures of friendship. If the kids ask just say things are raw now but you'll see when the time comes.

I get why you are so upset.
You are still right at the start of ‘moving on’ from that breakup.

However, saying you will never be in the same place than her is going to create many problems for your dcs. Been there and seen it in my own family. It ain’t pretty when you basically ask your dcs to chose one or the other over and over again.

I’d also argue that your depression, suicide attempts are your issues, not hers. Please get some counselling (best thing to do anyway in those circumstances), get better and learn to enjoy life again rather than becoming bitter. This will be your best revenge.

Btw if your question is simply
Am.I unreasonable to say I will never be in the same room than her.

Then yes. You are.

You are also going to loose your dcs and grandchildren over that (and the anger and bitterness)

@Objectiveman

Honeyroar, I hear what you say... but the "over dramatic". Is a bit over dramatic. You need to live it to understand it.

I have lived it. My mother had a massive mental breakdown when I was a teen. She was hospitalised for a good while with it. You need more help if you’re calling her an executioner for leaving you, because that is over dramatic and not helping you.

Perhaps some sort of therapy to help you get to a point where you could, for example, sit in a church at the same time as her would benefit you.

What she's done to you is unforgivable, the effect it's had on you is dreadful. But you can either be stuck forever in this mindset or you can work to develop strategies to enable you to cope. She has as much or as little power over your mental health as you give her. With the appropriate therapy you might be able to learn how to not give her any.

@dane8

I couldn’t speak it have anything to do with her again. I couldn’t care less if that was right or wrong, it’s my view She hurt me by deceit twice, her selfish attitude towards me that lead me to want to commit suicide my the way I was treated and no respect

Regards the children(well there not kids are they)
I would go to whatever, but not go near her or even acknowledge her.
I would definitely not go to a family meal all round one table.

She a selfish bitch, who just looked out for herself

Is this a name change fail?

Cos it’s a bit odd.

OP what’s the actual issue here?

Right now your pain is raw. It's OK to say you'll never do that. In time, when you settle in to your new life and feel more meh towards her, you may be able to tolerate being civil in a room on the odd occasion when necessary. It's OK to not be there yet.

Is this a name change fail?

Cos it’s a bit odd.

OP what’s the actual issue here?

Yeah I’m confused because that other poster is not a man.

You sound as hysterical as my mother did when my father left her after 23 years of marriage. She too tried to emotionally blackmail myself and my two brothers (all over the age of 18).

It didn’t end well for her. I don’t negotiate with terrorists and neither do my brothers. I’ve lived on the other side of the world from her and have been in very limited contact ever since. My father behaved badly - but so did she.

She's allowed to leave you.

However - I don't know if I could stretch it to an encounter with what of what has been my torturer and potential executioner

Well that’s all very well and good but you’re going to miss out on lots of things. Your kids aren’t going to uninvite their mum just because you’re throwing your toys out the pram.

The only person who will miss out is you. Your soon to be ex wife will still have a lovely time and so will your children.

I have severe mental health problems OP so I understand.

If there are no upcoming events, you don't have to make a decision about them yet. And if there were something upcoming imminently booked, I think everyone would/should understand if you mightn't feel able to attend.

Get all the mental health help you can, therapy and so on, maybe tailored partly towards being able to be at events with your ex in future.

Maybe try some different medications if you still aren't feeling like yourself.

How you're feeling is not forever (especially if you do all you can to get well) and with time you will probably feel able to face those events etc. xxx

If need be the doctor could prescribe something for you to take directly before going to an event, to make it easier.

@CatsPyjama

Is this a name change fail?

Cos it’s a bit odd.

OP what’s the actual issue here?

Yeah I’m confused because that other poster is not a man.

The eyebrows post? Could have still been a man 😀

I would tell her under no circumstances will you two ever be friends, because you can do better than her. Tell her that you will be civil for the children only, other than that you don't need to see other or speak. Don't even really need to talk at these events, can just talk to other people.

She is a cheater. God knows how many times she cheated, you know of one time for sure and she probably shagged her friends husband (probably while her friend was alive). I bet if that were the case, many people wouldn't be feeling any sympathy towards her.

She only cares about herself and her feelings, not yours. Just blank her unless you have to.

Isn't it funny how you hear so often of men having a "breakdown" when a relationship ends. Wereas women who the majority of breakups are left still having to work AND take on all the parenting... Well a breakdown is not a luxury we can often afford.

I've been there mate, I've felt suicidal after after a breakup. When I was a teen. But you can't let your kids down like that once you're a parent. It's your responsibility to get yourself to the GP for immediate meds, and to seek therapy for the unhealthy attachment patterns which have led you to feel that life isn't worth living without a romantic partner.

Well isn't this the strangest thing.

OP has posted about this before, for many years in fact, under the same user name.

I'm not sure what to make of this; would I be more sympathetic if I thought OP was female? I'd like to split with my H, we've been married 33 years (no affairs emotional or otherwise) but I'm always scared what his reaction is going to be. Seems rightly so.

My parents divorced over 30 years ago. My father cheated on my mother and married the OW. My mother remarried and had another child with my stepfather.

My mother is still very angry and will not have anything to do with my father.

So every major event in my adult life has been tainted by actions that had nothing to do with me.

My university graduation, my wedding, births and birthday celebrations for my kids, every Christmas etc all is problematic.

Until I had enough about 5 years ago and I don't see my mother. She's the one who was cheated on but no moving on has meant she has lost out in so many other ways.

You don't want that to happen to you.

I hope you never ever and never would, throw your suicide attempt and suicidal feelings at your kids in the hopes that will make them feel scared of not doing as you demand. Be mindful of the risk of falling into that behaviour, it is utterly inappropriate and may be interpreted by them as manipulative behaviour

* Within 5 days she had packed all her clothes, took the car and left. House was to be sold.*

^There is another man. Without a doubt she had this planned for a long time.